Branded
by MyLookOfDenial
Summary: The definition of 'capturing' varies slightly in most dictionaries. But all in all it simply means, 'to take something'.
1. A: Preface

**Branded...****  
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_**1. A: PREFACE**_  
The definition of 'capturing' varies slightly in most dictionaries. But all in all it simply means, '_to take something'._ So someone could capture your belongings, or you or something else I suppose. But I think that the meaning that best describes what happened to me is:

_To take by force; take prisoner; seize;_

Because they did just that, they took me without my permission, they captured me, they hurt me, they took me prisoner they took me to a place I could not escape, put spells on me that I could not break.

Looking back though it seems more like:

_To take possession of, as in a game or contest_;

That's what it seems like looking back now, more of a game, because they played with me so cruelly, lulling me into a sense of false security then breaking me so fully over and over and over again. Playing with my mind, hurting me and then helping me. Confusing me to the point of near breaking point.

But after the initial capture it was more:

_To gain control of, or exert influence over;_

Because they did, after a while I began to stop fighting back, not because I stopped believing that what they had done was wrong. But because it was not worth the pain that I endured after I disobeyed them. In the end it was safer to simply nod and walk away, rather than say I would not do as I was told. Because the pain that that caused was unbearable, the punishment, the humiliation, the insult all became too much after a while. The desire to simply give in and spare myself the pain overpowered me. It overpowered us all, everyone who endured similar things to me all gave in. Or died. And let me tell you this, the death would not be instant, it would not be a desired end, it would be painful, it would be so terrible that you would rather live than die such an incredibly terrible death. The desire for survival is a force that drives us all. I did not want to die. I did not want to die at the feet of those who hurt me, I wanted to live, I wanted to survive, even if the existence was such a terrible one. My need to survive stopped me acting as I would have in normal circumstances.

To be honest nothing else can justify my actions except my desperation to live. So maybe I should have been braver, maybe I should have fought, even if I died. But in the end I was brave enough to carry on, I was brave enough to never let them see me break down, I rarely screamed in pain. I barely uttered a sound as they crucioed me to near insanity. I refused to be so weak. I have looked death in the face and watched others I once knew die, and could do nothing to save them. But I carried on waiting, praying to whatever God was out there that I could survive, that I would be united with my loved ones. But mostly praying that I survived and that the war would be won, by the light of course. And that those that tortured and hurt me so terrible would get what they deserved. But I'll promise you this: I did not enjoy the life I had to lead, I did not want that life. All I wanted was survival, so I bowed my head and took the blows I was given, but I never gave up. I promise you this, I was not weak to give in, I was strong enough to bite my tongue when they insulted me. But I didn't enjoy the life I was forced to live, none of us did. It was purely survival and we didn't want to die.

The hardest life lesson you'll ever learn is that your desperation for survival will always overpower your want to be strong, brave and courageous. Don't think that because I stopped fighting back my will was broken, my hopes destroyed. As they were not. I simply pushed them to the side and let survival dominate me, instincts long ago forgotten kicked in and drove me forward. It wasn't a hard thing to do, it was simple. It doesn't mean I forgot my friends or the side I had so wanted to win the war, I still wanted them to win throughout. To escape the life I was leading, but openly talking about the light side in the clutches of Death Eaters, would hardly have helped me survive. No. I wanted a chance to live my life, I wanted to say goodbye to everyone I loved first before entering the realm of death, or heaven, or even hell, or whatever happens after death to someone like me. I didn't want to just be another name on the memorials that would be put up over wizarding London, or maybe inside the Ministry of Magic. I refused to go. Survival and instincts won the battle in my mind, and if they hadn't? I would surely be dead.

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**The next chapter will be longer I promise.  
Review and I'll carry on.  
MyLookOfDenial. =D X**


	2. B

_**2. B**_  
I turned to Ginny as we ran, the sound of pursuit was not a distant noise, they were slowly gaining on us. There was nothing I could say to her, and I doubted there was anything she could say to me, I had a feeling that these last brief few minutes as we tried to run away would be our last in each other's company. _We weren't wrong either._ So I smiled at her as best I could as I tried my hardest to run faster, knowing that attempts at escape were futile. She tried to smile back, her hazel eyes showing fear that I knew was reflected in my own big brown eyes.

"I'll miss you Gin." I said.

"You too Mione." She said back, we had become closer since Harry was killed and Voldemort gained control, we had been on the run together for a little over a year. And that was all we could say, there was no time for final goodbyes, no time for hugs and kisses, no time to even utter a word. The green light hit her back and her eyes went blank, all emotion seemed to leave her face as she fell onto the soil of the wood we ran through. Don't think it heartless of me that I didn't stop to simply hold my dead best friend in my arms. They were the rules, there used to be more with us, but you can't run forever now can you, they got killed as we ran. The only rules were that you never stopped, you kept running, it didn't matter if you loved them, you kept running away because they would have wanted you to survive. The other rule was simple logic, you didn't betray your comrades. That was it. So I did not stop as she fell, I kept running, thinking I was next. I tried once again to apparateas I ran, but the wards they had put up were too strong. I could hear their yells, and foolishly I looked over my shoulder to see what was happening, there were about 4 of them all in black cloaks running behind me, but there could have been more, the woods were thick. I looked back and the root was there, I tried to jump over it, but my left foot caught on it, I gasped for air as I fell, the green light shot over my head. That tree root saved my sorry arse. I heard as their footsteps got closer and I tried to get off the floor, wishing that more air would enter my lungs as I gasped for breath.

"Don't move." A voice said and I felt the wand at my temple. "Do you want her dead Draco?" The voice asked.

"No." Draco Malfoy's unmistakable drawl could be heard and I was roughly pulled from the ground, I struggled though, I bit, I scratched, I kicked, I yelled at them. I did not hear the incantation but all too quickly I felt it when I fell to the floor, much like Ginny had, except I was still alive.

"Now I have taken the spell off you mudblood, go crazy again and I'll fucking kill you." Draco Malfoy said, his wand over me, I looked around, wondering where I was. "Now get off the floor Granger." He said, he wore his Death Eater clothes, even the mask, which made his voice slightly muffled, I got off the floor and he pointed his wand at me. "Now be a good girl and walk through the door." He said, I was too scared to say anything, so I pushed the wooden door open. "Now walk." Malfoy said and I did, towards the snake like creature on the throne, he laughed.

"We finally caught you then mudblood." No shit Sherlock, I said nothing, I ended up standing in front of him. "Are you too stupid to even talk mudblood?" He asked mockingly, I said nothing as I stood before him with my hands tied behind my back, his wand pointed at me. "Say something or I'll crucio you." He said, I still said nothing, he uttered the words and I fell to my knees and then I tipped forwards, my cheek pressing against the cold stone floor as the unimaginable pain consumed me, the tears freely flowed down my ashen cheeks and a quiet whimper escaped my lips. After what seemed like an eternity but in reality was much less, the spell was lifted, I somehow managed to stand shakily again. "Speak mudblood or I'll do it again." I smirked then, my full pink lips curving unpleasantly upwards.

"Bastard." I said loud enough for him to hear, my first word to Voldemort was an insult, no matter the pain I endured it was worth it to see the smirk fall off his ugly rat's arse face as he crucioed me, yet again I fell to the floor, refusing to let the scream erupt from my mouth, I simply bit my lip. I stood up after enduring the pain, my head swimming slightly, I felt the blood trickle from my bitten lip and slowly down to my chin, and then it dropped to the floor.

"Dirty blood." He said.

"I think you'll find that it looks pretty much the same as yours. After all we both have muggle blood in our veins don't we?" I said, but I didn't care about the pain as he crucioed me continuously, but the scream did not rip from my throat, I bit my tongue this time and felt the blood fill my mouth. He stopped and I retched onto the floor, the blood in my mouth staining the stone floor an ugly maroon colour. Consciousness was slowly leaving me.

"Draco as you caught her you can have her. Do with her what you want. I trust you won't take her any of her cheek." He said then as I pulled myself from the floor, "You're lucky I am feeling lenient today, else I would have killed you." I hate people like Voldemort. They like to play God. I didn't acknowledge him, Malfoy beckoned me over so I stepped hesitantly towards him, not feeling safe on my feet, his hand wrapped around my upper right arm, he held on too tightly, I jerked away at the unwanted contact, unnerved by the fact it was an iron like grip and I could not see his face. He bowed deeply to Voldemort, dragging me down with him, squeezing harder than necessary.

"My Lord." He said before we disapparated, it was an unpleasant feeling but I endured it, the pain seemed to bite away at me as we apperated into what I presumed to be Malfoy Manor, he still held tightly to my arm as he pulled me along behind him as we walked, he pushed me into a room letting go of my arm and I fell to the floor in exhaustion as unconsciousness swallowed me in its dark and empty embrace.

I woke up on the small bed in the corner of the room and sat up shakily, feeling the pain from the crucio coursing through my tired body. I heard a knock on the door, and without waiting for a reply the door opened and a girl of about 14 or 15 stepped inside, she smiled at me, her face was covered in freckles and her light brown hair was up in a pony tail, her feet were bare on the stone floor and she wore a black kind of dress, it had long sleeves and a low half circle at the front, revealing her lack of bust, it was quite short, to above her knees, it seemed slightly too big for her and I presumed it was designed for a woman, not a girl barely more than a child.

"Master Malfoy asked me to get you ready." She said stepping forwards, I stood and saw that she was nearly as tall as I was.

"I see." I murmured. "Get ready for what?" I asked.

"To see him." She said, but I felt there was more to it than to simply see him, but I said nothing. "So if you go have a shower and put this on." She said handing me a similar black dress to hers. She also handed me a lacy red bra, no pants though, but I dutifully stepped into the little bathroom and had the first warm shower I had had in months.

"I'm Hermione by the way." I said as I stepped into the room, wearing the black dress, which fit me better than the girl, it showed off a lot of cleavage and only went to about mid thigh, the cold of the floor was unpleasant against my bare feet.

"I'm Sophie." She said and frowned. "Are you wearing your pants?" She asked, I nodded slowly. "You need to take them off." She said, my eyes widened in understanding, "If you don't you'll be punished." She said, the memory of the crucio was still fresh in my mind, I dutifully pulled the pants off. I put them with my other old clothes, the faded, ripped and dirty black jeans, the in need of a wash grey t-shirt and the black hooded sweatshirt. Also the pair of purple holey socks and dirty old trainers that had seen better days.

"Nice to meet you Sophie." I said, she smiled, her slightly wonky teeth on show.

"And you Hermione." She said and ushered me to the little chair in front of the dresser and mirror, she sat me down and began to sort out my hair, which took some time. "Ok that's you done." She said.

"Will he actually rape me?" I asked, needing to know the answer, but desperately not wanting to. She busied herself with my hair.

"I don't know Hermione." She said, but I could see it in her eyes as I met her pale brown ones with mine in the mirror that she did know, she simply did not want to say it. I sighed and glanced at myself in the little mirror, my big brown eyes were surrounded by long, thick, black lashes that I long ago charmed to be permanently covered in mascara. My skin was quite a pale colour, my full pink rosebud lips contrasted well with my milky skin making them look even pinker. The only thing that marred my appearance was the scab on my lip where I had bitten it and my tongue hurt too. My nose was average size for my face and it was slightly ski jump, but not overly so, my figure was slightly lacking, I hadn't been eating properly all the time I had been on the run. "I think that's you done." She said, but I stayed seated.

"I don't want to go Sophie." I said sadly.

"You have to Hermione."

"You don't understand Sophie," I whispered, "I went to school with him, I've known him since I was 11 years old, we were never friends, but I grew up with him, it's simply appalling." I said as the tears welled in my eyes, "What kind of monster is he?" I asked dejectedly as the tears trailed down my face.

"One that will punish you terribly if you don't go." She said, "It doesn't matter if you don't go by your own accord, he owns you in this house, he only has to call you and you'll have to go to him." she said.

"Like house elves?" I asked, she nodded and I felt the pull as she said this, it was like side along apparating, like I was being compressed in a small tube, my insides felt weird and when I stopped my head span. I blinked rapidly, trying to stop my head spinning, I had managed to stay standing. I looked around and saw Draco Malfoy standing a few feet from me, he smirked wickedly, I heard the jeers of the men at the long table as they drank their firewhiskey and ate the food prepared for them. There were about 17 of them, I noticed a few familiar faces from Hogwarts, Blaise Zabini's olive skin and dark curly hair was easily recognisable. The large Goyle looked as stupid as ever, and I noticed a few others I recognised but could not name.

"You got Granger?" Blaise Zabini directed at Malfoy.

"Only the best mudblood for me." He drawled, smirking at his friend before stepping towards me, I stepped back hurriedly, glancing behind me. I felt a hand grab my arm and turned back to him, his icy grey-blue eyes locked on my large fear filled honey brown ones.

"No Malfoy, please." I said frantically, he laughed pushing me backwards, I felt my lower back smash into something, I turned to see the wooden table, there was some food still on it, he took out his wand and got rid of it. I tried to get away as he pushed me back onto the table, I tried my hardest to escape, but he was stronger, I clamped my legs together as best I could as I tried to push him off me. The wood was hard against my back, he grabbed my hands, from where they were trying to push him away, he pinned my skinny wrists in his left hand above my head and smirked. "Please don't do this." I whimpered.

"I'll do what I fucking want Granger." He said, "I own you." He smirked, I then began to yell and kick and try to fight him.

"Feisty!" One of the men at the table yelled as they laughed at the entertainment, Malfoy had his wand out then and it was pressed to my temple, I stopped my previous actions immediately.

"Crucio." He said and the raw pain ripped through me, my body seemed to move all on its own as some kind of spasm ripped through my body, the pain seemed overwhelming as my body juddered on the hard tabletop. The pain stopped and I gasped for breath. "It doesn't matter if you don't scream now Granger, you will be in a minute." He said smirking at me, as he prised my legs apart, I tried to push him off me but his wand pressed firmly into my temple reminding me of the painful crucio. He pushed the dress up slightly and pushed into me roughly, I whimpered as he stole my virginity, his unfeeling eyes seemed suddenly shocked, then he composed himself and began smashing his hips and himself into me, I bit my lip refusing to scream, but I tried to get his hand to release my wrists, he did not budge though.

He let go of my wrists and pulled out of me once he had finished, I tried to wipe the tears from my cheeks, but they kept coming.

"Go." He said to me, I did not need telling twice, I turned and walked.

"She was a virgin!" One of them yelled, referring to the blood running down my leg.

"Enjoy yourself Granger?" Blaise Zabini's voice yelled, I turned and glared.

"That would take a real man." I said, Malfoy stepped towards me and slapped me round the face, my head jerked to the right as my left cheek took the blow. I turned my head back to him after the blow, refusing to let the tears fall down my cheeks, the humiliation of what he had done to me replaying in my mind. He pointed his wand at me, a smirk on his pale face, his silvery eyes showed no emotion as he said the dreaded word that caused such pain "Crucio." I fell sideways against the door, my right arm pressed against the hard oak as a whimper escaped my lips as the bout of pain ripped me apart at the seams, my sore and aching body willed me to scream in agony but my mind refused that I be so weak. _I will not scream, I will not scream, I will not scream, I will not fucking scream! _I said over and over in my mind like a mantra until the pain stopped and I gasped for the air that before would not enter my lungs. The pain rippled through my small body as I glanced up at him, my unruly curls covering some of my face, I did not have the strength to push them away. "Now fuck off Granger." He said bitterly I bit my tongue to stop my cry of agony. I turned and walked away, as I heard their laughter fade I let go and stopped brushing the tears away, I let them fall and sobbed as I walked not knowing the way back to my room, or caring that I was lost in the large Manor.

I stopped after a while and leant heavily against the wall as I sobbed. Not wanting to move, but knowing I should, I curled up on the floor on my side, my legs pulled up to me as my arms wrapped around my knees. The wall pressed hard against my back but I lay there anyway as the tears dripped to the hard stone floor. The tears on the floor mixed with the blood from my lower lip, as I bit on it.

I'm not sure how long I lay there for, but it was at least a few hours until I heard the footsteps down the corridor. My eyes were closed, but the tears still leaked from my lids, the blood trailed down the side of my chin. The footsteps stopped in front of me, I was too scared of what I would see to open my eyes.

"Get up Granger." If I could have I would, Malfoy seeing me so weak was what I did not want, I could not move, his foot connected with my bare legs, I opened my eyes and looked up at him, there wasn't much light in the dark corridor, there was window at the far right end that the moonlight shone through. "Get the fuck up Granger." He hissed bending down to look at me slightly.

"Can't." I managed to whisper through chapped lips.

"Why the fuck not?" He asked angrily, grabbing my hair and pulling me up, my legs were shaky and it hurt where my hair was being pulled from my scalp my eyes looked with his as the tears dripped down my cheeks, I raised a hand and wiped them away along with the blood from my lip.

"Hurts." I managed to whimper, he let go of my hair and I crumpled to the floor in defeat as my body gave out on me, like a bruised and battered rag doll.

"Your weak Granger, you're so fucking weak." He hissed. He was right, I was weak and pathetic, I should have been stronger. I should have saved Ginny, I should have fought harder. Then maybe this would not be happening, then maybe Malfoy would be in Azkaban where he belonged.

"So are you." I said, he foot connected with my ribs, "You took something that wasn't yours." I said sadly, knowing it was silly to anger him.

"Yeah Granger, I took your virginity now get over it, not like anyone else would want it you dirty mudblood. You should be glad that a pureblood like myself took it." He hissed.

"It hurts." I said sadly.

"Life hurts. Now get up."

"I can't."

"Why?" He all but yelled.

"Crucio hurts Malfoy." I answered angrily, my eyes locking with his.

"You're weak." He hissed, grabbing my upper arms and pulling me up, it hurt where he gripped me.

"I didn't scream." I murmured, he smirked, and pointed his wand at my head.

"Crucio." He murmured, I bit my tongue inside my mouth to stop the scream that wanted to erupt like lava from a volcano. The torture stopped and my eyes opened to lock with his, my body was slightly numb to the pain that I had just endured. "No you didn't did you." He said, the blood from my tongue filled my mouth, I kept my lips firmly pressed together and swallowed the blood grimacing as the coppery taste travelling down my throat. The taste stayed in my mouth, a reminder of pain and torture.

"No." I murmured.

"I think I could make you scream if I wanted." He said, pushing me against the wall, I whimpered sadly, dreading what could happen next.

"Don't." I said.

"Don't tell me what to do." He said as he pushed me harder into the wall, his body pressed into mine.

"Please don't." I whispered sadly. "It hurts so much." I said, my own weakness sickened me but the pain filled me to the very brim, begging did not seem such a bad idea if he would not hurt me so.

"I'll spare you Granger, but don't think tomorrow will be any different, you'd probably fall unconscious on me anyway, and no one wants to fuck someone asleep now do they." He muttered. "Anya and Sophie." He muttered and the two girls appeared, Anya had thick black hair that was cropped short around her small face, she was about 17, and had dark blue eyes the colour of the ocean and her skin was freckled and slightly tanned. "Sort her out." He said stepped away, I fell to the floor, my legs giving way as he no longer held me up, pinned to the wall. He caught me around the waist before I fell, I saw the confusion in his eyes as he stopped me falling, the confusion disappeared as he smirked and let go, his eyes becoming once against the emotionless silver colour I was used to. He walked off, his shoes clicking on the floor. The girls stepped over to me, pulling me up, one on either side, my arms around their shoulders as I did my best to walk.

"Are you okay?" Sophie asked.

"No." I said, she nodded, so did the other girl.

"I wouldn't have expected any different." Sophie said.

"Did he let his friends use you too?" Anya asked.

"No." I said again.

"That's weird, he usually let's his friends use the girls too." Anya said.

"Thank fucking God he didn't." I muttered.

"So why if he didn't let anyone else use you are you in this state?" Sophie asked.

"Crucio." I muttered.

"Oh, I see, it hurts right?" Sophie said.

"Like a bitch." I answered, they laughed slightly.

"Did he use you again now before he called us?"

"No, only earlier in the dining room." I said.

"You're lucky." Anya said.

"I don't feel it." I replied.

"You should meet Lily, he took her virginity, and then let his friends use her, she was unconscious and beaten, she woke up and he did it more, his friends had all gone, he left here there on the floor the rest of the night until we came in the morning to clear up." Sophie said.

"He hates Lily." Anya said.

"Why?" I asked.

"She's weak. She cries and screams and begs and yells, and whimpers and tries to run away. Did you scream?" Anya asked.

"No." I whispered.

"The crucio as well?" Sophie asked

"I didn't scream then either." I said.

"I always scream, I don't know how you would manage it. Everyone always screams." Anya said.

"You're not weak like Lily, he won't be so vicious." Sophie said, I said nothing because there was nothing to say. I could only imagine how bad it must have been for this other girl if what I had endured was apparently not _too_ bad. They led me to my room.

"Will you be okay sorting yourself out, or will you need help?" Sophie asked

"I'll be fine thank you." I murmured.

"See you tomorrow." They said as I closed the door and walked to the bathroom. Grateful for the shower that I could use, I got in and scrubbed away at my dirty skin until it was red and raw. But the feel of disgust and rape lingered on my skin. What he had done to me replayed again and again in my mind until I wanted to scream. Finally sleep took me away. The memories were bad, the nightmares were worse.

* * *

**Please review and let me know what you think.  
****MyLookOfDenial. =D X  
**


	3. C

** _3. C_**  
I was awoken by someone shaking me, I blinked rapidly, knowing instantly where I was, it wasn't like how you read in books and people wake up not knowing where they are. No, I immediately knew where I was. I immediately knew that the day would be cruel, pain filled and horrible.

"Here's a potion for the bruises and cuts." The girl said, she had almond shaped eyes and very dark hair that she wore in a ponytail, she looked Chinese. "I'm Nancy." She said, I remembered that she was in the year above me at Hogwarts, and had been friends with Cho Chang, but other than that I didn't really know her at all.

"I'm Hermione." I said taking the potion from her, I glanced at it, it was in a glass cup and was a pale yellow colour, I gingerly sipped it, it was bitter and foul, I swallowed it and coughed uncontrollably, I felt a tingling all over my body and saw that the livid bruise on my arms fading, I drained the rest and watched my bruises fade and my cuts heal. Just because the obvious signs of pain were gone didn't mean I didn't still hurt inside. My mind hurt from what I had endured, just because the cuts heal and the bruises fade, it doesn't mean that you're healed.

"I know, but hello anyway." She said somewhat sadly, I got out of the bed and stood up, she handed me a green dress, exactly the same as the black one I had been wearing the day before in style, but simply a different colour.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

"I am one of _his _servants." She said, emphasising the 'his' I knew instantly that he was indeed Draco Malfoy.

"For how long?"

"For two years now." She said, not meeting my eyes.

"Why is my dress green and yours not?" I asked, changing the subject as she obviously didn't really talk about it.

"Because you're the one he uses now."

"I see. So why do I have a different colour though, what difference does it make?" I asked

"Because everyone knows, you get treated a bit better than the others because you're his girl now." She said.

"I don't want to be _his_ girl." I said angrily, she laughed, meeting my eyes, she held pity in them.

"You don't get a choice Hermione, you do what he says or you pay the price. Now put the dress on and be quick." I stepped into the bathroom pulling on the dress after taking off the skimpy white nightdress I had worn that night. I glanced at the mirror and saw how my hair was knotted and even crazier than usual. I brushed my teeth using the toothbrush that was on the sink, glancing into the mirror at my tired face, then looking away. Not wanting to see how drastically I had changed from my school days.

"You have to look your best." Nancy said handing me a hairbrush after I walked out the bathroom door.

"I don't want to." I said childishly.

"You'll pay the price." She said, I bit my lip irritated but pulled the brush through my knotty hair anyway. "That'll do." She said after a few minutes and I dropped the brush onto the bed. "Come on, we'll go to breakfast." She said turning on her heel, I followed her, noticing her feet were bare too. The room I stepped into was warm and crowded. There were other girls in the room, who all turned to stare at me, I noticed that they all wore the same black dresses, except some had longer dresses than others, they were mostly the girls that seemed older than myself though.

"Everyone this is the new girl, Hermione." Nancy said, they all faced me and smiled happily.

"Okay, okay let's all introduce ourselves!" One girl said happily, everyone laughed, as the girl giggled, her hair was wavy and went to her shoulders, it was a dark blonde colour, her eyes were dark blue and she grinned at me, her teeth were slightly yellow and not all that straight, "So I'm Lauren." She said, she looked about 19 or so.

"I'm Martha." A girl with light mousy brown hair said, it went to her chin, and was quite straight, she looked about 20 and had light green eyes, she seemed somehow distant.

"I'm Evie." One girl said, she was very pretty and had brown hair, that was not dark or light, but simply the middle of the two, her eyes were a brown-green colour, hazel, she had light freckles on her face and she smiled happily at me, her teeth were perfectly straight and white, her hair went to just above her shoulders and was quite straight too, but had a slight wave to it, she looked about 15 or so.

"I'm Lily." A girl from beside her said, she was incredibly beautiful, but looked somehow fragile, she had rich auburn hair that fell in perfect ringlets to her shoulders, her eyes were a dark green colour that stood out on her porcelain face, she had no freckles and looked about 19 in age, she smiled slightly at me.

"I'm Suzie." A girl said who looked about 16, she had blonde hair that seemed to have natural highlights in, some was a darker colour, other streaks were lighter, she had light blue eyes and olive skin, she did smile slightly but her eyes were sad and unhappy. I recognised the pity in them as she looked me over.

"I'm Ellie." A girl said, her hair was long and went to past her shoulders, it was quite straight and a blonde colour, her eyes were light blue, there was nothing special about her, her skin was neither tanned nor pale, she was average in looks, I guessed she was about 20 or 21 in age.

"I'm Rosie." The girl who spoke had very dark hair and pale skin, her eyes were dark brown, I guessed she was about 19, she reminded me of the snow white I had seen in picture books as a child, very pretty with dark hair and pale skin, Rosie's lips seemed to be a red colour too, adding to her snow white appearance.

"You already know me, but if you forgot, I'm Anya." The girl from the night before said, who looked about 16 or 17.

"I remember." I said and smiled at her.

"It's Sophie as you already know." Sophie said, I smiled at her, I guessed she was about 15.

"And as you know I'm Nancy." Nancy said, I nodded slightly, a small smile flashed across her features, I worked out that she must be 20 as I myself was only 19 at the time.

"I am Jane and I am the person in charge of all of you, I am the main housekeeper, if there are problems you come to me ok?" A woman said, she was about 30 and by far the oldest of the rest of the girls, which I had seen so far. Her dress went to her knees and was not as low cut, her dress was a dark grey colour. Her hair was dark blonde, almost brown and her face was lined and her eyes were light brown, she smiled slightly at me, her thin lips revealing slightly yellow teeth.

"Come and eat then." Suzie said and everyone followed her to the table in the room, it was a kitchen and then there was the large wood table that all the girls were seated at. The food was already on the table, there was bread and butter, and also toast too, marmalade and jam were also on the table, as were jugs of water. I found myself sitting next to the girl I remembered to be Evie and Rosie on my other side. I felt self conscious amongst the girls, my dress colour making me stand out, but also the fact that they all knew each other and I did not.

"Is everyone here muggleborn?" I asked Evie beside me as she buttered her toast.

"Not everyone, Jane is a halfblood, that's why she has such a high position in the house and then Ellie, Martha, Lily and Suzie are non-magical." She explained, it was a weird thing to say 'non-magical. Instead of muggle born, but I said nothing. "You're a witch right?" She asked, I noticed the faint French accent she spoke with.

"Yes, I am I went to Hogwarts, where did you go?" I asked her.

"I went to Beauxbatons." She said.

"I see." I murmured.

"Your surname is Granger right?" Rosie asked me, I nodded, "Best friends with Harry Potter?"

"I was." I said sadly.

"What was he like?" Lauren asked from across the table as I buttered the bread.

"He was kind, loyal and caring." I said, she sighed.

"How exactly did he die, were you there?" Ellie asked.

"Yes I was, and he and you-know-who both sent the killing curse, Harry's was a millisecond after and you-know-who's reached him just before his could reach you-know-who." I said sadly, knowing that if you spoke you-know-who's name you could get in trouble, only his most loyal followers were allowed to call him 'Voldemort'.

"One millisecond faster and this would not be life." Lily said.

"You can't speak like that Lily." Martha said looking around worriedly.

"She's right though." Suzie said sighing.

"I heard you slept with Harry Potter and Ron Weasley." Ellie said.

"I didn't." I said, wishing I had, because I would rather sleep with a friend than be raped by Malfoy for my first time.

"You can tell us, it's not like we're going to tell anyone." She said leaning forwards.

"Malfoy took my virginity yesterday actually." I said bitterly, biting into my bread.

"Just ignore her, she's just jealous you were friends with someone as famous as Harry Potter." Evie from beside me said.

"Shut the fuck up Evie, I was just asking." She hissed.

"You're such a shit stirrer and you know it. So shut the bloody hell up Ellie." Evie said, and smirked slightly.

"Yeah stop being such a bitch." Lauren said.

"I was just asking not like it's a crime Lauren." She said annoyed.

"Fuck off Ellie." Rosie said from beside me, Ellie got up annoyed and stalked off Nancy went with her and they both looked annoyed.

"Nancy is such a lap dog." Evie said shaking her head and looking disgusted.

"She is just hilarious to piss off." Suzie said and giggled like a bitchy schoolgirl whilst she smirked.

"You ok Hermione?" Evie asked.

"I'm fine, don't worry about me." I said and smiled, finishing my toast. It seemed so like at school with the different groups, the bitchy girls and their enemies. It seemed so familiar and safe to be there, with the other girls where everyone knew their place, the girls of Malfoy Manor were just bitchy, gossiping school girls at heart. I liked that.

"Want me to explain hierarchy going on round here?" Rosie asked me.

I nodded, "If you like."

"So basically, Lauren has been here the longest, after Jane that is, so she's like the main girl, you know like the popular girl at school, if she likes you your fine, if not you're screwed." She said and I smiled at the connection. "And then Suzie is like her best friend, so not quite as popular if this were school, but still pretty important. And Suzie and Sophie knew each other before they even ended up here, so they're good friends she's pretty popular of you get me. Then Evie and Sophie are best friends as they're similar in age and stuff, so they're pretty popular if you get me too. Martha keeps herself to herself, people don't dislike her or anything, she's a private kind of person, she doesn't really fit anywhere in particular. Though she's quite friendly with Nancy and Lauren likes her lots. Then Ellie is just desperate to be better than Lauren so she's constantly trying to take her place as 'top dog', which so doesn't work. She and Nancy are like best buddies so Nancy's kinda like Suzie is to Lauren but to Ellie. Then Anya is just friends with everyone and everyone loves her, Anya and Lily are pretty good friends along with me, us three stick together mostly, we're just your average Joe's if you get me, friends with everyone and that. And well you're the newest one, the last new person was Lily but she's not new anymore. Obviously." She explained to me.

"That's pretty confusing." I said.

"Nah, you get used to it, I reckon you'll just be friends with everyone, like most of us." She said.

"Thanks." I murmured, "For the explanation."

"Hermione, you will go and clean Master's room now." Jane said, "Lily will show you what to do as your taking her place now." Jane told me, I nodded and looked at Lily, she stood up from the other side of Rosie, I followed suit.

"Come on then." She said, I walked beside her as I followed her out the room, we walked down a corridor and up two flights of stairs, then down another corridor and we stopped in front of a large door. "So this is his room, he's eating breakfast now, so we'll have time to tidy up before he comes back." Lily said. We entered the room and I looked around myself, it was large, I saw an open door to a large bathroom a walk in wardrobe. I saw the huge double bed with green silk sheets and darker green silk pillows, I couldn't help but chuckle slightly as I noticed the room was decorated in the Slytherin colours, his silk sheets were lined with silver, the drapes on the four poster were silver lines with green, the bathroom was in green and silver. I noticed the bedside tables were the same mahogany colour as the bed frame, the carpet was a cream colour.

"What's so funny?" Lily asked me confused.

"It's the Slytherin colours as Hogwarts you know, it's so typical of Malfoy to have his room decorated in silver and green, because he was like the prince of Slytherin." I explained.

"You talk like you know him." Lily said.

"I do, well kind of. I went to school with him you see, we were in lots of lessons together, and I've known him since I was 11 years old." I said.

"What was he like?" She asked.

"Not quite as evil as he is now, he was always a rude stuck up little rich boy who thought he was better than everyone else." I said, she laughed slightly.

"And now?"

"Not only is he rude, stuck up and a little posh boy, but he's a violent bastard, well he was always a bastard, but he never hit me or anything." A smile floated across my features as I remember what had happened in third year.

"What?" She asked interested.

"I punched him in the face though when he called me a mudblood once, must have been third year I think." Lily let out a chuckle her sad eyes lighting with amusement.

"I wish I had seen that." I grinned at her words.

"I have to say, it's one of my fondest memories. I think he cried actually, I punched him and he ran off crying like a little girl."

"Priceless." She said and walked round the side of the bed, "We'd better make this and then tidy up the rest." She said, so we made the bed and put away the clothes he left out, we cleaned the sink and toilet, the shower was fine so we left it. We talked about pointless things, I learnt that Lily had been at Malfoy Manor for about 6 months.

"Will you promise not to say anything if I tell you something?" Lily asked me cautiously.

"I promise." I said.

"We're not meant to tell the new girls, but it came as such a shock to me that I think you deserve to know." She said.

"What?" I asked.

"You'll probably be branded today, with a red hot burning iron." She said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because Draco Malfoy owns you, he doesn't need to do the branding thing, but he will because then you will always be reminded that he owns you and that you will never be free of him. It will always mark your body." She said as we walked back to the room.

"Where does it go?" I asked, she shrugged.

"Where he feels like it, Evie's is on her left hip, Ellie's is in the middle of her stomach Lauren's is on her right shoulder, Anya's is on the back of her neck, Suzie's is on the bottom of her back, Sophie's is on her left shoulder. Rosie's is on the back of her right shin. Martha's is on her right thigh, Nancy's is on her right ankle."

"Where's yours?" I asked, she pointed to her right breast.

"He hates me." She said, "I know it's terrible but I was so glad when you came, not because I think you deserve what he does, but because I'm spared from it, yes I'm selfish, but he likes you, he liked how I looked, he liked my body, but I am weak, you're not, you're feisty, he'll keep you all to himself. Thank God for that Hermione, thank fucking God for that." She said. "You don't know how lucky you are." She said, "I am sorry though."

"It's ok." I said. "Thanks for warning me." I smiled at her, she grinned back at me.

"I tried to be strong but I couldn't, I didn't want to cry at first, but I ended up failing miserably." She said, "Try to be strong Hermione." She said, "Can I call you Mia instead, Hermione's a bit of a mouthful?" She asked, I smiled

"In the muggle world I was often called Mia, I prefer it, it never stuck at school though, but I've always liked it you know?" I asked, she nodded.

"My really name is Lillian. But I always liked Lily better."

"What does the brand look like?" I asked.

"It's just his initials, well just DM." She said, I nodded.

"How big is it?" I asked, she pressed her index finger to her thumb and a circle kind of shape was formed.

"About that, but maybe a bit smaller." I nodded.

"Thanks Lily." I said and smiled at her as we stepped into the kitchen area.

"Don't tell." She said, I nodded.

We all sat around the table, eating lunch when the door flew open and Malfoy walked in arrogantly, I followed suit when everyone stood up and faced him, he pointed at me and beckoned me to him

"I am not some animal to be told what to do Malfoy." I said nonchalantly, I heard everyone gaspe at the audacity of my comment, he laughed and that dreadful smirk appeared across his chiselled features.

"That's what was always so great about you Granger, you were always so moral and prim weren't you."

"I still am as a matter of fact Malfoy, this is wrong!" I cried.

"Just like those poor house elves." He said mockingly.

"I will have you know that S.P.E.W was a very good and right cause." He laughed, I could tell he was mocking me.

"Yes Granger." He said ridiculing me, I continued to glare at him. "Come here now." He said.

"I just told you that I'm not some animal to be bossed around." I hissed.

"You're a mudblood Granger, you're an animal."

"You can talk ferret." I said.

"Come here now mudblood." He said angrily.

"Are you completely stupid, did you not here a word I just said?" I asked.

"Oh I did Granger, but I am the boss of you, I am you master, you are my whore." He said.

"Whores get paid and I haven't had any money yet, so technically I am not your whore." I said arrogantly.

"I can call you what I want, I own you." He said.

"I am my own free person, nobody owns me, and you can't tell me what to do."

"Hermione Granger." He said commandingly and I felt that weird sensation of disapparating against my will, like I had previously, I found myself a mere foot from him, he laughed.

"Looks like I can make you do what I want." He said.

"Looks like you're still as stupid as you always were!" I said and smirked, his wand immediately pressed to my temple.

"And why's that?" He asked.

"Because everything works both ways…" I said concentrating hard on finding the link within my mind. "Draco Malfoy." I said loudly, after a few seconds of deep thought. I opened my eyes to see him appear beside me, his wand pointed to me head, I could see the anger in his icy yet deathly beautiful eyes.

"Crucio." He said, the pain whirred through me, spreading like forest fire within my body, I fell to my knees, my hands pressing onto the hard stone floor, as I breathed heavily, biting my lip, refusing to scream, refusing to show such weakness. He took the spell off of me after a while of excruciating pain, I wondered how I could still be thinking normally after the agony I had endured.

"If anyone ever, and I mean ever, does what she just did, I will not hesitate to kill you, I will crucio you until you cannot scream and are a breath away from death every heartbeat." He said menacingly to the other girls I pulled myself to my feet and looked at him, my heart hammering in my chest.

"Aren't you going to kill me then Malfoy?" I asked him interested as the blood dripped down my chin to the floor from where I had bitten my lip.

"I like to play with my prey." He said.

"Like an animal." I said, he laughed.

"Always the witty one aren't you Granger."

"Always the prat aren't you Malfoy." I mimicked.

"You must really like me angry Granger." He said grabbing my arm and dragging me from the room. He angrily dragged me out the room, the door slammed behind us, his arm gripped my arm tightly and I whimpered slightly from the pain, he pinned me to a wall after a while. "I like the fact that you're the only one who actually stands up to me Granger, but there's a line you know, and you fucking crossed it, you do not show me up in front of anyone. You got that?"

"It was your fault for not thinking it through." I hissed.

"I don't care Granger, but you do anything like that again, I will kill you."

I sighed mockingly, "Empty threats."

"You don't know that though do you." He said pulling me into a room, I noted that it was the bedroom I had tidied this morning, he threw me onto the bed.

"Jesus Malfoy, I only just made this bed." I said, he laughed.

"You're so full of surprises Granger, worrying about the fucking bed when you don't even want to know what I'm going to do to you." He hissed.

"Trivial things are always the most important in the end." I said, quietly to myself, repeating what my grandmother had told me so many times.

"Shut up and stand up." I did so reluctantly, my heart pounded in my chest as the fear encapsulated me in its icy grip, I could feel my blood frantically pumping in my ears as he smirked dangerously, my eyes searched the room for anything, an escape, a weapon, I saw nothing, the door was closed and the windows would only ensure my death as we were on the third floor of the vast Malfoy Manor.

My mouth was dry as he stepped towards me that terrifying smirk on his face, I knew that he saw my fear, he fed off the fear like a dying man in a desert feeds of long awaited water. "Scared Granger?" He jeered, I said nothing, choosing to ignore his words, because I was scared, I knew he wouldn't kill me, but I knew what he wanted to do, because like he said I was his whore, his plaything, his girl now. Even if I wasn't getting paid.

The fear grew inside of me as he did nothing just smirked and stood in front of me, he was building up the tension and Jesus Christ he could have cut it with a fucking bread knife. My breath came in short gasps as I wished myself away, I wished I was still a little girl having my mother plait my hair for me on my first day of junior school, I wished I was back when I was a little girl of about 6 insisting my father played dollies with me, I wished I was at primary school playing in the toy house with my friends. I wished I was with Harry and Ron in sixth year, I wished I was still petrified in the hospital wing where it was all blackness and it was like deep sleep that nothing could penetrate. But times like that were far away behind me, I was a woman now, no longer a little girl playing with Cindy dolls. I was grown up and had to face the terrible things in this world, I was a big girl and like my mother always said, _'big girls don't cry darling, and you're big girl aren't you Hermione'_. Her soft voice penetrated my thoughts and I was thankful I had sent her to Australia with my father, and made them forget all about me, because hopefully they would be ok, if we won the war and everything was ok I'd go find them, if there was no such luck they would live out their lives happily, never missing the daughter they never knew they had.

I was ripped from my thoughts as I felt myself being pushed backwards, the bed was soft beneath me, but it did nothing to ease the tenseness in my body, his weight pressed down on me, I looked blankly up at the ceiling, my feet were hanging over the edge of the bed, my ankles just on the mattress his weight made it hard to breathe, but I said nothing as I felt my dress being pushed up, the shame overwhelmed me as I tried to forget him pushing inside of me.

_It hurt. _

_I wanted to cry. _

_I wanted to scream. _

_I wanted to die of the shame. _

But I didn't, because I was too strong for that, I knew that it would get me nowhere to whimper and cower and beg and cry, so I lay indifferently on the bed and he pumped in and out of me, his head pressed into the crook of my neck, he bit hard into my neck, I flinched slightly from the shock, it seemed to go on forever as he thrust inside of me, again and again, his hips rocking into mine. In reality it probably wasn't but it felt so long.

His teeth bit into my neck again, I flinched again, and vowed to myself that I would never do so again, he laughed at my flinching and then moaned as his release came, I felt him release inside of me, cringing internally as the thought of having something of his inside of me. He grunted and pulled out of me, I continued to stare blankly at the ceiling, I pushed my dress down. It didn't matter he had seen me like that, it didn't matter he had already raped me, modesty took over and I flattened down my dress, he lay beside me, our arms touching, he lay face down on his front panting heavily, I shifted position so I didn't have to touch him.

He sat up and looked down at me, my hair itched on the nape of my neck where it lay beneath me, but I did not move, the lump in my throat slowly disappeared as the tears that threatened to fall were blinked black. His forehead was covered in a thin sheen of sweat, and his eyes were full of lust as he looked at me hungrily, I wanted to cower away, curl into myself and never come out. But I didn't, I shifted my gaze from him and stared at the thin crack in the ceiling. He lay back down on his back, looking back at the ceiling like me. I wondered if he was looking at the same thin line on the ceiling as I was.

He got off the bed after a while and used his wand to light the fire, I sat up, I had not noticed how cold the room was before, the goose bumps on my arms slowly went down as the fire warmed the large room, I stood up from the bed, wanting to leave behind the memories. I noticed the long iron rod that rested on the hot coals, I presumed it was the branding iron Lily had spoken of. He stood in front of the fire in silence, and I stood next to the bed, staring out the large windows, wishing I was outside, even though the rain fell heavily and the wind blew the large tree about, I would still rather be out there than in this prison full of luxuries and dresses that came with no shoes or pants, only bras.

"Come here." He said after a while, I refused to let the fire of determination extinguish inside of me, so stood still, he walked over to me, grabbed my upper arm and pulled me towards the fire. He let go and pulled the branding iron from there and smirked at me, "So where do you want it Granger?" He asked, it was burning a slightly orange colour. It was red hot. It surprised me he would use such a muggle kind of way of branding someone, I would have expected magic, but then again Malfoy always liked to hurt people, and I had no doubt in my mind that branding iron's would hurt.

"Here." I said holding out my left hand, palm upwards, he put the rod back in the fire and smirked at me leaning closer to me.

"You don't want it here?" He asked mockingly roughly grabbing my right breast with his left hand, "Or here?" He asked, grabbing my left bum cheek with the other hand, I tried to jerk away, he slammed me into the wall behind me, removing his hand from my bum before doing so. "Or here?" He hissed, pressing his hand onto my stomach, "Or here?" His hand up my dress on my thigh, inching upwards as I squirmed away from him and the torture "Or here?" He asked his hand at my core, I whimpered.

"Stop it!" I cried, trying to get away, he pulled away from me and I slumped down the wall, "I fucking hate you." I hissed looking up at him, wishing for a knife, a gun; a bomb, to shatter down his cool demeanour. Funny how after years of magic I don't wish for a wand but a knife, or a gun, or a bomb to kill him.

"Get up and give me your hand." I stood up and held out my hand again, he took it in his own grabbing the burning iron, he put my hand onto the table, holding my wrist firmly to the wood, and he smirked at me, his eyes on mine all the time as he pressed it down into the middle of my palm. The sick enjoyment on his face was sickening as my breathing became faster and faster at the pain it caused. It was like when I was younger and my mother had gone to get more clothes to iron, and I being a curious 9 year old, had pressed my finger to the burning surface of the iron, but only worse.

He pulled it away after a few seconds of burning, I gasped, the tears welling in my eyes, my palm was red and raw, he released my wrist from his grip, I pulled my palm up towards my face and looked over the burn, the brand. The sign that I was his, and always would be. "It's got special magic on it, it won't be covered by any charm, it'll always be there, you will always belong to me. It can never be hidden." He said, he had me pinned to the wall in second, my hand hurt so much but he didn't care, I knew that much. I could feel him pressing into my abdomen, and wondered if he got turned on by my pain, he pushed my dress up, undoing his trousers, "Wrap your legs round my waist." He growled, grabbing my legs and jerking them up around his waist. I locked my ankles around his waist and stared up at the ceiling, my hand was absolutely killing me, it hung loose by my side, but I would not let in to the tears that so desired to drip down my cheeks, he undid his trousers and slammed into me, his hips smacking into mine, he grabbed my hair and yanked my face forwards to look at his, he smirked as he smashed into me, grunting and moaning as he did. I turned to look away but he yanked my head forwards, his hand in my hair as he kept me facing him, his other hand tightly gripped my left hip. It seemed like an eternity of him thrusting inside of me but eventually he grunted and released his seed into me, I closed my eyes tightly, desperate to get away from his smirking face I could practically smell the shame coming off in waves from my body, I felt dirty and the disgust at myself was swallowing me up. I pulled my legs from his waist and dropped down to the floor, smoothing down my dress with my right hand. "I'm done with you, you can go." He said, I turned and all but ran from his room, I wasn't that sure of the way back, but after many wrong turns and incorrect doors I managed to find my way back, I pushed the main door open, to the kitchen, I saw that Anya, Rosie, Lily, Evie and Sophie were all sitting around the fireplace on the various sofas and chairs. I sat next to Lily on the sofa.

"You okay?" She asked, I shrugged holding out my palm for her to see the brand.

"He put it on your hand?" Suzie asked leaning forwards, I nodded.

"That's different." Anya said.

"He asked where I wanted it, so I said my hand." I replied.

"He never asked anyone else." Rosie said.

"Well there was a price to pay I guess." Referring to my tender back and aching thighs from him. They understood what I meant, Lily took my hand in hers and squeezed lightly, I smiled at her, my branded hand rested palm upwards on my knee. Jane came over and handed me a small potion, I let go of Lily's hand and took it.

"It'll ease the pain." She said, "But don't tell." She walked away. I drank the potion all in one, it tasted fowl, I dry retched slightly after coughing on the foul liquid, but sighed lightly as my hand numbed and I felt no pain, only nothingness, even my back and tender thighs were numbed, I smiled. Everyone began to talk amongst themselves.

"Hey Lily, I just realised why he hates you so much." There was no reason to even wonder who _he_ was, that was what he was referred to as, I noticed no one ever called him Malfoy, or Draco, only he or him.

"Why?" Lily asked Lauren who had spoken.

"You're a Weasley." Lauren said.

"You're a Weasley?" I asked her in shock, she nodded, I frowned, "So surely you shouldn't be his slave as you're a pureblood?" I asked confused.

"I'm a squib." She said sadly, I saw now why she had been referred to as non-magical by Evie.

"But you're still pureblood, even if you not exactly magical."

"It doesn't work like that, squib's are as much thought of as scum as muggleborns and muggles." She replied.

"How fucking stupid." I said, she laughed.

"Yep, that's what I think Mia." She said.

"Did you know Ron well?" I asked her inquisitively.

"Kind of, I was probably closer to Ginny, but I went to a muggle boarding school so rarely saw anyone, my parents weren't ashamed or anything, but I preferred to be in the muggle world. I mean I don't really fit anywhere, I grew up as a witch, but I'm not and in the muggle world I feel like a witch you know and in the wizarding world I feel so muggle." She said.

"I understand on some level, I grew up a muggle, then I end up in the wizarding world and it's so difficult to fit in, I mean I think like a muggle, I don't think 'where's my wand to light a fire', I think 'where are the matches' you know?" I said and laughed, she nodded. "I don't fit in the muggle world because I feel so magic then the wizarding world I feel so muggle."

"I know what you mean that's how I feel!" Evie said. "Or at least felt." She murmured as an after thought.

"Same!" Rosie said.

"See you're not alone Lil." Anya said smiling at her friend.

"Thanks Mia." Lily said smiling happily at me.

"My pleasure." I said looking away and out the window, visiting memories of better times and happier places.

* * *

**I worked really hard on this.  
Reviews would be much appreciated.  
MyLookOfDenial. =D X**


	4. D

_**4. D**_  
Routine became easy as the days went by, I would get up and have my breakfast, then I'd tidy Malfoy's room, sometimes he would call me to him, sometimes he would fuck me on the bed, other times against the wall, or sometimes in other places around the Manor. It didn't really matter where, the shame swallowed me up each time, encapsulating me in my own self loathing. I would try to forget that my body was being violated, squeezing my eyes tight shut, wishing that he would be gone when I opened them. Of course that never happened, I was never one for believing in such nonsense. But hope is always there at the back of your mind, lightly tapping and singing softly in your ear. I couldn't help but hold it to me, the scraps of my lost dignity and hope held close to my heart as he fucked me up against walls. And it hurt to know that I was so weak, that nothing I did could ever stop the pain or the humiliation.

Sometimes he would make me keep my eyes open when he did it, insisting that I had to see him as he fucked my 'disgusting mudblood self'. I always did wonder why he fucked me then if I was quite so disgusting, but fear of the answer kept my mouth closed, because I didn't want to know that he enjoyed my pain, there was no doubt in my mind that that was what it was: Because sick excuses of men like Draco Malfoy do not ever think of others, he always thought of himself in school when I knew him there.

You could say it was a survival instinct, 'survival of the fittest'. I could be wrong. I could be many things though, but wrong was rarely one of them. But then again those times are long ago and always being right at school does not mean I am always right in the real world at the Malfoy Manor

Memories of life as it used to be hurt me more than what he did to me, so I tried my hardest to think of other things, dreams I had, or simply stare at the cracks on the ceiling in Malfoy's room and wonder why there were such things on the ceiling's of the fine Malfoy Manor. I never asked though. Knowledge stopped being what I desired most, I used to be so desperate for understanding and knowledge. In fact it got me nothing good, it got me to the Malfoy Manor and a hurt unknown to many. Because few people would know what it's like to be raped and tortured; well at that point the war is in full swing and the light side were losing the battle, it seemed that maybe many did understand.

I always did hate people who contradicted themselves, and I truly did dislike myself.

Evil surrounded Britain as the light tried to fight for justice. But then again good and evil are such parallel's in the world, who can say what evil is and what good is? Truly who can know? They are such paradox's of one another, good and evil cannot be indentified of categorised. They are two very different things but is it evil if you were to torture somebody and invited a million people to come and watch, who would each pay a substantial amount of money and the money would be sent to the third world to help starving people? Can we say that's wrong? Losing one life to help and save many? Who can say? Nobody can. Because nobody knows, nobody can identify what is good and evil.

It's simple to say that Adolf Hitler was evil, I'm not denying that fact at all but in his sick and twisted mind he was doing the right thing. To him and his followers it was good, what was evil was the Jews. Of course I don't think this but in their minds they were doing the right thing, of course looking back now with hindsight we can say it's evil and disgusting and such a terrible thing to do. At the time it was correct and moral to the Nazi's. So like Voldemort and his followers, they truly do believe with all their hearts that muggles and muggleborns are inferior to them and that they should be killed. Halfbloods were treated only slightly better even though Voldemort himself is a halfblood. The parallels between Hitler and Voldemort continue to astound me. Hitler wasn't even truly German, he was Austrian, it's even rumoured that his grandmother was Jewish.

There is no black and white, and good and evil, there are shades of grey and patches in between. Because nobody knows, none can say with true certainty and the all knowing knowledge in their hearts what is good and what is evil. If good and evil make up two halves of a circle, they both join together and become one, merging at the edges of the half circles. Like black and white, they can fit together, but they don't fit right, there is space in between for darker shades of white and lighter shades of black; grey. So yet again you can have a half circle of each colour and they will blend at the edges.

Right and wrong is defined by what you believe and what you think is right, not what other people think. If you believe it's ok to kill then maybe you believe what you're doing is good, if you believe that killing is evil then that's your opinion. But what if you had to kill to save millions of other people? What then, would it be evil to take a life to save others? Because no one can know, you have to believe in what you think and only you can judge good and evil for yourself. It's wrong to try to press your views on others and make them see what you think. _Everyone is entitled to their opinion_.

"Are you okay Mia?" Evie's voice pulled me from my thought, I looked up, I could feel all eyes on me as we sat around the fire. I nodded slowly.

"Just thinking you know." I said.

"What about?" Sophie asked from beside Evie.

"How we do the same things every day." I said, because I had been thinking that first, there was no need to share my views on good and evil with everyone.

"I know what you mean, I wouldn't mind some variety every once in a while." Lauren said.

"It's easier though." Lily replied, "Doing the same things, we don't have to think about it." She said.

"What?" Ellie asked, she was never the brightest crayon in the box.

"We don't have to think about what we do, we just do it. When you first come here it's hard to fall into step and just do what we're told, do the same things. But after a while you just follow routine and habit takes over." Rosie explained.

"But what if I don't want to follow routine and habit?" Anya asked.

"You get punished dumb arse." Suzie said, cynically, because that's Suzie through and through; cynical and pessimistic.

"I know that, I'm just saying I don't want to you know?" Anya asked.

"You don't get a choice. We're all unimportant insignificant pieces in this life. Like the pawns in a chess game, we're worthless and easily thrown away, we're the first to go in the game." Martha said, I liked Martha's, she had such interesting views on everything.

"But the pawns all protect the more important pieces, we're hardly doing that?" Nancy said, trying to understand Martha's simile.

"We are, we may not have fought outright in the war like other people, but we were still part of it, fighting for the light side, even if not physically, we still wanted them to win. We were captured first, before the others." Martha said.

"So what Harry Potter was our king?" Ellie asked.

"Just because we can compare it to a game of chess doesn't mean we are part of one. But I suppose he was our most important metaphorically speaking he was out most important participant of the war. So he was like our king, now he's gone, you-know-who has won and it's over." I said.

"I want a re-match!" Lauren cried, I laughed at that along with everyone else, our conversation moved away from darker times and our great loss. But it was obvious to all that we were all still thinking about it, even if we were not talking about it.

"Granger." Malfoy said, we all turned to look at him standing in the doorway.

"What?" I asked angrily.

"There's someone in the dungeon who wants to see you." I glared at him.

"And who might that be?" I asked.

"You'll never know if you don't come with me." He said, I stood up, curiosity taking over. '_Curiosity killed the cat',_ now didn't it? How amusing that Lion's are cat's and I was a Gryffindor, and lion's are the Gryffindor animals, like snake's are the Slytherin animal. Gryffindor's were always brave and I do believe somewhat curious. I followed him as he strode down the corridors and stairs anyway, because Gryffindor and Hogwarts was far behind me at that point, life was different, it wasn't simple anymore, four houses, points, the most points wins. It became so much more complex. We reached a door, he used his wand to open it, saying the word "Alohamora." It felt like so long ago that I had used a wand and spoken a spell. The room was small and cold, the floor was stone and incredibly cold under my bare feet and the walls were made of large stones, there was a small window at the top of the cell, but it had bars across it and was tiny. A figure lay on the floor, the slow rise and fall of their chest informed me they were alive, the head turned and I saw that it was a girl. She pulled herself to her feet and I gasped as I recognised the face.

"Lavender, is that you?" I asked, she nodded.

"Hermione?" She asked, her voice croaky and seemingly unused for some time.

"Yes." I said stepping forwards and pulling her into a hug, she sobbed onto my shoulder.

"As much as I love this little reunion, it isn't why you're here Granger." Malfoy said after a few second.

"So why am I here, why is Lavender here?" I asked.

"Because we want the information she has." He said.

"Could you not just use veritaserum?" I asked.

"Because you know as well as I do that veritaserum isn't infallible, you can get around it. And she can." He said.

"Why on earth do you think Lavender will give me information to give you?" I asked annoyed.

"You and Lavender were friends, so I thought that if I hurt you, to make me stop she'll give me information." I laughed.

"Oh really, like Lavender is stupid enough to give you information to stop you hurting me." I said turning to her. "Don't tell him anything, I can take it Lav." I said to her smiling at her.

"Noone else can die because of me." She whispered sadly.

"No Lavender, the Order is far more important that your conscience ok?" I asked, steel in my voice as my determined gaze locked with her eyes. Her face was dirty, her dark blonde hair was greasy and knotted, her once bright blue eyes were somewhat faded and full of loss. I didn't doubt that my eyes held the same loss.

Malfoy caught my arm and pulled me round, pushing me backwards, so my back slammed against the stone wall and I hissed angrily. Glaring at him, wondering what was to come. "Don't say a word." I said, my eyes locking with Lavender's, he caught my jaw and pulled my face round to look at him, he pressed his body against mine. I wasn't ready for it again, the morning's events were still fresh in my mind; when I finished tidying his room and he came back. He had fucked me on his desk, so much like the first time, my back still hurt slightly from the rough wood. The point of his wand pressing into my temple brought me back to reality, the cold hard reality full of pain, rape and torture.

"Crucio." He said and I gasped in pain as it rippled through my body, little white lights danced behind my eyes as I closed them tight. It burnt through my body and I waited for the darkness of unconsciousness, or even death would be better than the burn of crucio. It stopped and I took in lungful after lungful of air, as the stars faded in my eyes and I took in Draco Malfoy's face, the tears were streaking down my face, however much I wished they'd leave. I wiped the blood from my chin that had dripped from my lip, where I had bitten, the scab that never had a chance to heal reopening.

Lavender's woeful sobs wouldn't stop however much I wished them away, they were like the background music to my life, sobbing and sobbing until I wanted to scream.

"Lavender please, it doesn't matter." I said to her.

"But it's all my fault." She sobbed.

"For goodness sake Lavender, grow up!" I cried, "You have to take the pain and move on, it doesn't matter about me, all that matters is that you keep your mouth closed, and who gives a shit if they torture me in front of you. I would rather die than tell the secrets of the Order. One day you will be remembered for your bravery and your loyalty to the Order!" I said, "One day." I whispered hopefully after.

"Well said Granger." Malfoy jeered, Lavender stopped crying and seemed to pull herself together. Then he pushed my dress up and undid his flies, he smirked at me, "Wrap your legs round my waist." He said, his wand once again pressing into my left temple. He yanked my legs up and I locked my ankles around his waist, I tried to push him away anyways, but he caught my wrists in his left hand and held them above my head as I glared at him. His right hand gripped my waist as he entered me roughly, I whimpered slightly at the pain, I heard Lavender's shocked gasp. I let out a plaintive sob, half between a whimper and a hiss as he raped me. I glanced at Lavender and saw her shocked face, she seemed unable to tears her eyes from the horrible picture in front of her.

"Sure you don't have anything to say?" Malfoy asked, turning his head to look at Lavender.

"No!" I cried in horror, "It doesn't matter." I said through my pain, as his hand gripped my hip even tighter and my wrists ached from his strong grip on them.

"But Hermione…" She trailed off and I saw the disgust on her eyes. I would never forgot that look on her face, her messy hair and dirty face, but her blue eyes shining with tears and her lips parted in shock. The utter horror and disgust at what Malfoy was doing to me evident. I had no doubt in my mind that she would be killed, she was hardly any use to Voldemort, she was probably only a low member in the Order, nothing important. He released inside of me after a while and pulled out of me, I dropped my legs from him hurriedly, he did up his trousers and I pushed my dress down.

"You sure you have nothing to tell?" Malfoy asked Lavender.

"No." She whispered, "Please no more crucio!" She cried out shying away as he pointed his wand at her shaking form.

"Avada Kedavra." He said, the bile bit up in my throat as her eyes went blank and she fell backwards, a broken figure in a broken world. The tears dripped down my cheeks, as I rushed to her side. I caught her hand in mine and closed her eyes.

"You didn't have to kill her." I said as I brushed my hand through her matted hair, trying to get rid of the knots.

"It's your fault, if you hadn't stopped her giving me information she would have lived."

"Today she would have lived, but when you had got enough information, when she was no more use to you. Then she would have died."

"Yes, you're right, she would." He agreed, I turned to look at him, his face was a mask of nothingness as I sat on the floor beside the dead body of Lavender Brown to my chest.

"Come on Granger." He said turning and becoming me.

"Can I bury her?" I asked timidly, he laughed at me, I took that as a no, "What will happen to her?" I asked.

"The house elves will dispose of her." He said.

"But where will she be disposed to?" I asked.

"I don't know and I don't care, come here now!" He said exasperated, I stroked Lavender's cheek before standing up and walking towards Malfoy. I followed him as he walked away, I dried the tears and tried to compose myself, remembering Lavender as she used to be, not the young woman I had just witnessed die. "You can go back to your room now Granger, I won't be calling you again." He said, I turned on my heel and walked away back to the safety and comfort of the warm kitchen where there was always at least one girl to keep you company.

That night I lay in my bed as I sobbed my heart out for my old school friend Lavender Brown. Remembering how I had shared a dormitory with her and how we may not have had much in common, but we got on well, we were friends in a way. It had hurt so much to see her, but it hurt the most to see how disgusted she was at me, and of course she was, seeing rape happen in front of her eyes. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry, so incredibly sorry for the pain that she had had to go through. I wished I had had a chance to talk to her one last time.

To say one final goodbye.

***

"Come on Granger, I don't have all day you know." Malfoy told me, I quickened my pace slightly, wondering where he was taking me and praying it wasn't another prisoner. It had been two weeks since Lavender's death, Malfoy called me to him every morning as usual and occasionally in the evening, it wasn't that bad as it had been to start with. As I previously thought, habit and routine are so easy to follow in their simple familiarity. We stopped outside the dungeon door and Malfoy opened it with his wand muttering a complex unlocking charm, more complex than for Lavender, I wondered what could be more important. I followed him inside and raised a hand to my mouth at the sight before me, Neville Longbottom was chained to the opposite wall. His wrists chained above his head, stretched upwards in an uncomfortable position, his feet were bare and chained to the floor, he raised his head and took me in, I felt the tears drip down my cheeks as I took a step forwards to comfort him, to check he was ok. The sadness in his eyes overwhelmed me as he took me in, I felt an arm around my waist holding me back.

"Oh God Malfoy, oh God." I cried as the tears fell, "What have you done to him?" I cried turning to Malfoy trying to pull away as the tears fell from my cheeks.

"Oh you're crying, I thought I had lost the knack for upsetting you. But it seems I can still reduce you to tears." He said and smirked at me.

"What have you done to him?" I practically yelled.

"No need to get angry Granger. But I think you'll find he's been interrogated, stupid fucker won't give us any information though. We have tried everything." He said angrily.

"He won't give you any information because of what you do to me. You saw with Lavender it wouldn't work." I told him angrily.

"Oh I know that Granger, I just thought I torture him just a little bit more, seeing the clever one in the trio, perfect Hermione Granger blow me off." He said smirking at me, I glared at him, gasping slightly in shock as I tried to get away from him.

"Oh come on Malfoy, he's had enough torture, he's practically dead anyway, what's the point?" I asked, knowing that the point would be the pain of someone else, it pained me to say that about Neville, but the look in his eyes screamed death.

"No he hasn't. You can never have too much torture." Malfoy said somewhat vindictively as his wand pressed to my temple and his other hand yanked my hair at the back of my neck. "On your knees Granger." He said.

"No." I hissed, his wand pressed harder to my temple, I jerked in pain from the wand, but he kept it firmly pressed to my head.

"Crucio." I whimpered in pain as he spoke those horrible words gasping for air, it shot through my body, burning like molten lava as it spread through my veins, my bones felt as if they would snap in that instant because of the immense pain passing through my frame. He was holding me up by my hair, but he let go and I dropped to my knees, gasping for air as I crouched in front of him, it stopped and I gasped, sucking air into my lungs as the burning faded, leaving behind a dull ache, the not so distant memory of pain. "Oh well done Granger, now undo my trousers or I will have to do that again, and it did so very much pain Neville to see you like that, you should have seen his face." He mocked, I did as I was told, undoing the button and then the flies. "Yes Granger, and the boxers too." He said, I did as I was told, refusing to look at him, "Well go on then Granger, give me a blow job." He said and then grabbed my hair, shoving me forwards, I complied opening my mouth, he shoved himself as far as he could into my mouth and I gagged slightly as he hit the back of my throat, causing the vibrations to make him moan, he pulled my head backwards, using my hair to direct me, the humiliation of having to give him head blocked out the pain I felt from him practically ripping my hair from my scalp as he moved my mouth over him. "Wouldn't think you'd ever see the day would you Longbottom? Hermione Granger giving me head. Put your hands on my hips Granger." Malfoy ordered laughing, I rested my hands on his pale hips and scraped my teeth along him angrily as he taunted Neville, trying to cause him a little pain, he hissed angrily, and shoved himself to the back of my throat, I tried to hold back the gag reflex of having something shoved into the back of my throat but couldn't quite manage it, once again he moaned slightly. My eyes were tightly closed as I tried to hold back the tears of shame that so wanted to fall, "Suck Granger." He said, he had stopped yanking my head forwards and backwards, but his hold on my hair was still painful, "I said suck!" He told me angrily and I did, after a few second of sucking on him he released into my mouth, I pulled away from him and spat it onto the floor, gagging and coughing at the taste of him in my mouth. I heard Malfoy doing up his trousers and I stood up walking towards Neville, I stood in front of him and saw that he had tears in his eyes.

"Don't cry Neville." I whispered. "Everything's going to be ok, it'll all be over and if there's a heaven you'll go there." I said as the tears dripped down my cheeks. "Say hi to everyone from me won't you." I said brokenly, "Sorry you had to see that Neville." I said brushing away his tears, "It's all going to be fine, don't you worry about me, I'm fine too, I miss everyone, but I'm still ok." I said, trying to be strong, "You're so brave Neville, not telling them anything, you've done so well." I said brushing his hair from his eyes, smoothing it back. "I am so sorry." I whispered and I straightened out his shirt, smoothing down the collar, "There you go, you look nice and smart." I murmured choking back the sobs, how ironic, I wanted him to look smart for his untimely demise.

"Granger." I heard Malfoy say, hurrying me.

"Oh God Neville, I am so, so sorry." I whispered, brushing my thumb across his cheek and the standing on tip toe and kissing his cheek, I wondered if he was disgusted that I kissed him with the mouth I had just sucked Malfoy's dick with.

I brushed my fingers across his cheek once more before turning away and walking to the door, the green light flashed pass me as soon as the words left Malfoy's mouth, but I didn't turn back, I wished Malfoy hadn't hexed Neville so he couldn't speak, and barely move. I wished he could have replied, but at least I got a goodbye, at least I saw him before he went, maybe it was a comfort to him that someone he used to know was there before he died, or maybe he hated that I hadn't fought back harder when Malfoy made me do it. I would never know, never ever know because he was gone and dead. I only hoped he went somewhere nice, I stopped believing in God so long ago when the war was in full swing that I really wouldn't know.

I thought about thanking Malfoy for letting me speak to Neville before he killed him, but thought better of it. He would take it the wrong way, thinking I thought he was being nice, and nice to him would mean weak. I would only regret it the next time he had a prisoner I once knew and he wouldn't let me talk to them. So I just walked on slightly behind him as I silently cried. I cried for the life Neville would never have, the woman he would never marry, the children he would never have, the sweet old age death where sleep would simply never let him wake, he would simply drift into a peaceful sleep and never wake up. Simple and easy, I wished Neville could have had such a life, I wished he could have been happy and live a full life with no regrets.

* * *

**So poor Neville.  
I tried not to make the BJ too disturbing or anthing.  
But this story is a bit disturbing...  
Hardly light reading.  
But I hoped you liked it anyways.****  
MyLookOfDenial. =D X  
**


	5. E

**_5. E_**  
It's crazy, I know it is, I'm not denying that it's not right. It's wrong on so many levels, it's incorrect, inaccurate, fucking weird, but I can't control how I feel. I shouldn't feel content or relaxed as I sit on Draco Malfoy's bed, tossing a glass ball the size of a tennis ball from hand to hand. It should weigh more that it does, but magic is an incredible thing, it weighs about as much as a tennis ball. I wore the dress as usual, it was the same forest green colour as it usually was, it was clean however, a new one every day.

He sat a few feet away at the wooden desk, his back to me, the scratching of his quill was so familiar to my ears, I closed my eyes, memories of sitting in the quiet library the silence was so peaceful and the scratching of quills like a loving lullaby relaxing me. The softness of the mattress and the feel of the silk sheets beneath my legs were a harsh reminder of how very far from the happiness of Hogwarts I was. My legs were crossed, I had pushed my dress down though so it covered me in case Malfoy turned around. Not that he hadn't seen me like that before – but I tried to be as dignified as I could, even though it felt as if I had no dignity left sometimes. The feel of the glass ball made me happy in a weird kind of way as I tossed it from hand to hand, the light patter resounding around the large room.

His quill stopped scratching. My eyes were closed but I kept throwing the ball, I could feel his eyes on me, it's weird to say that but after a while that prickling at the back of your neck isn't so weird, simply a reminder of where you are and whose company you are in. It didn't make me uncomfortable, maybe it did at first, it seems like so long ago now, I remember my first few months at the Manor however I tried to block out those harsher memories and look to the future. They say that things can only get better, they're probably wrong, but it's not like I know who _they_are in the first place.

He knew that I knew that he was watching me, but the thud of the ball and the smoothness in my hands took up my attention, I didn't care if he was watching. I opened my eyes to see his eyes followed the ball as it flew from my left hand to my right hand to my left hand to my right hand then to my left hand and my right hand and so on. My eyes followed the ball as it flew from my hands, my mind concentrated on the small clear ball that magic had made virtually weightless, I could feel the magic inside of me. Like the dull thud of my heartbeat or like the sound of my breathing maybe, it was like in your childhood when you would put a large seashell to your ear and you would say you could hear the sea. When in reality you could not.

Being a child made it so much easier to believe in things unproven or impossible, like the Tooth Fairy or Father Christmas. It was like your world was shattered when you found out that it was not the tiny little fairy with her one pounds and little bags of pearly whites who took your teeth away with her, to her castle made of teeth far far away. It was in fact your mother or father late at night, who simply took your tooth from your little Tooth Fairy pot that was a hard lump underneath your pillow, making it uncomfortable, but you didn't care because the promise of magic in the night and a pound in the morning were far more important than comfort. When morning came there would be a pound but the novelty of belief in things unproven had ceased and the excitement was no longer the same, because one pound could get you one hundred sweets from the pick and mix but it was no longer quite so thrilling, because the magic was gone, the tooth fairy in your mind was simply a parent, simply a tradition that was not often broken, until you stopped believing.

To believe has always been such a difficult thing, because belief in things unproven is not easy as you grow older, as a child Santa Clause is as real as day and night, as is the tooth fairy, but as you grow older believing in such things is juvenile. Maybe Christmas still brings the same thrill and even if you know it's only your parents it still brings back the memories of belief in things unproven, magic, happiness and how simple it was to be young. To believe is such a flimsy thing, so easily broken and not so easily fixed or created in the first place.

The ball shattered into a million pieces in mid air, between my left and right hand, it was quite high and the million pieces fell downwards, the light reflected off them and passed through them, making rainbows on the walls for a brief few seconds before it fell to the bed and onto my legs. Because belief unlocks so many doors, to believe is to live and to feel, without belief life is hardly worth living, without belief in good and evil, or even god, or life after death, or belief in your own morals and values, you are nothing. Belief gives you paths to follow and roads to walk. It gives you meaning and so much power in the world.

The pieces flew upwards after a few brief seconds, joining together and the pieces matched so perfectly it truly was undeniably magical, the ball was once again a ball and it fell to my right hand as if I had never broken it and then fixed it in the first place. I did not throw the ball back to my left hand. I closed my fist around the object my eyes locked on Malfoy's as he raised his hands and clapped them together the noise resounding around the room, it was mocking but I knew he was impressed. "That Granger, is a crime punishable by death." He said, but I could see the amusement in his eyes. Mudbloods weren't allowed to use magic, halfbloods needed special permits, special licences to have wands and use the power that flows thought their veins like the very blood that keeps them alive. How pathetic that was, people were no longer allowed to practice what they were born with unless they had a permit. And even then they were not allowed to do certain spells, they had weak wands with tracker's in. I didn't think it particularly fair that Voldemort didn't follow his own rules.

What a fucking hypocrite.

I leant over and placed the ball on the bedside table to the right, I sat in the centre of the large double bed, the pillows just behind me, flat on the bed. I had only just made the bed, a smirk caressed my features, "Well then, looks like you better kill me." I said, we both knew he wouldn't, he'd seen me do magic before, we both knew that my wandless magic was far superior to his. I often wondered if I concentrated hard enough and for long enough if I could send an unforgivable. A killing curse. But I knew that that was incredibly risky, they so often went wrong and the curse sender ended up dead. Or the sheer exertion of sending such a strong spell would kill the sender. I wouldn't do it unless I really had to because I did not want to die.

"I really should." He said, standing up and staring out the window.

"But you won't." I said.

"No." He agreed with me, it was funny how after being such enemies we could have such civilised conversations, after the hurt he had caused me I did not hate him, if I were to hate it would mean that I was like Death Eaters , it would mean I was as guilty as them. I did not care for him though, what I felt for Draco Malfoy was the opposite of love, some people think that the opposite of love is hate, but love is feeling something for someone, a deep unadulterated love of just a deep and unadulterated feeling. Hate was still feeling for someone, something deep and unadulterated, but it was simply a large dislike, in comparison love and hate do seem like such similar things. But feeling nothing for someone, simply not caring is the opposite of loving, as love and hate come hand in hand don't they. Not caring at all is how I felt for him, because once there was extreme dislike but that faded away to nothing, because the hurt he caused was not often too bad and it bothered me little. I became used to it, like chicken pox maybe, if you have it once it's rare you have it again, you are immune, so maybe I am immune to Draco Malfoy and the hurt he caused because I was used to it.

It is the only explanation I wish to come up with.

I inspected my nails as he stared out the window for a while, I looked up as he walked over, a frown creasing his features, handsome, aristocratic and good looking would describe Draco Malfoy very well, because he was all those things. He sat beside me and I wasn't stupid enough or inexperienced in the workings of his mind not to know what was to happen. Because he fought with himself by not punishing me for what I was doing wrong, but he liked me, not killing me the first time was proof enough of that. He had to balance it out, he had to make sure the scales were equal, he didn't want to seem weak to me. He wanted me to see him as strong and powerful, he didn't want the power he had over me or any of the other girls to waver, even for a second, so he would even out the scales.

I tried to push him off me, as his body pressed onto mine, the glass ball was close enough for me to grab, I could have grabbed it and smashed it onto his head, even if it was charmed to weigh little, it was still a ball of glass.

Too late.

He pinned my arms above my head, his hand engulfing my small wrists, I hissed angrily as I tried to wiggle away, fighting was no use, but I wouldn't just give in, he couldn't think I was weak, of course I wasn't as difficult as I once was, the cruciatus cure was not an experience I enjoyed. He fumbled with his trousers with his right hand, he wouldn't want to let go of my wrists to help himself, I laughed, he glared at me.

"Undo my trousers." He said, letting go of my wrists, it wasn't like he hadn't got me to do that before, it was hardly a first time of being ordered. It was my own fault for laughing at him, otherwise he simply would have used his wand to undo his trousers. He didn't take kindly to being mocked, I made no move and his hand clamped around my neck, I undid the trousers. He smirked. "Push them down a bit then." I did as I was told, "And the boxers." He said glaring down at me. I did as I was told he pushed my dress up, of course I tried to push him off, but once again he grabbed my wrists, locking them above me head and he slammed into me, I held back the whimper of pain as his hips smashed into mine and he was inside of me. He began to thrust into me, his head pressed into the crook of my neck his hot breath on my neck made me cringe. And he knew it. He bit my neck, sucking on the tender flesh, the bruise he would leave behind was yet another sign of his ownership of me. His free hand had a vice like grip on my hip as he thrust into me. It did hurt but the tears no longer leaked from my eyes like they used to.

_Endurance had made me strong. _

He pulled out of me when he was finished, I hated the thought of something of his still inside of me, alive and moving. He let go of me and rolled off, our elbows touched, I pulled away and pushed my dress back down, moving my wrists about as they ached. It was dark outside and I heard him murmur a spell, the curtains closed, I moved to get up.

"Stay here Granger." He said, so I lay back on the bed, out the corner of my eye I saw him pull off his clothes, so he was only left in his boxer shorts. He pulled the covers up and got under, "Get under Granger." He said, the vindictiveness from his voice was gone, I pulled the cover up and lay underneath, as far away from him as I could get without falling just before the lights went out, I lay tense for what seemed like hours, his breathing became heavy and I presumed he was asleep. I stood up and walked to the window, parting the curtains, and staring out into the night.

It would be so easy to open the large window and step out to freedom. So easy to be free and no longer owned, no longer a slave. Suicidal. That's what they would call me. But can you blame me? Can you really though, life was hardly good, sometimes it was ok, but after he had used me in such a way my thoughts always drifted to death, Lily said that's what she had thought too. I wanted to live, but not that kind of life. I opened the window, I wouldn't do it, but I wanted to feel the night air for once, I wanted to feel alive for once, I wanted to wake from the nightmare. I sat down on the windowsill, my legs stretched out across the window-seat, my back against the wall as I stared out into the sky. It was a funny thing, to realise that you held your own life in your hands, I could have easily killed myself if I jumped, it was somewhat exhilarating to know that even if he owned me in body, my mind would never be broken.

I stood up, the window was big and I wasn't sure enough of myself to actually think I would do it, the window was as big as me, slightly higher maybe, the wind came through the window, my knotted curls going crazy. Arms wrapped around my waist pulling me backwards, I knew it was him.

"I wasn't going to do it." I said, it was more to reassure myself than him. Suicide was never something I cared to dwell on, I always tried to avoid the subject, he put me down and stepped forwards closing the window, he turned to me and I saw the pain in his eyes, it was only there for a second but I saw it, then his mask of nothingness appeared and his face was impassive, he caught my wrist his fingers tight and led me to the bed, he got in and pulled me in after.

"Don't ever do that again Granger." He said, he was trying to sound angry, but the worry came through, "I want to be the one to kill you." He said vindictively, what hurt me the most was that I knew he didn't mean it, I knew he didn't want me to die, else he would have done it when I first performed wandless magic. The chandelier in the main hall shattered into a million pieces as he fucked me against the wall. I was hurting so I moved my mind away and concentrated on the beautiful chandelier, I could feel the magic inside of me, willing me to be stronger and take hold of that power. So I did. Just as he released inside of me the chandelier shattered, the pieces falling to the floor, he was angry. But I could see that he was still impressed, wandless magic was not easy, when you were younger though and you were over emotional unexplained magic happened. It was funny that I wasn't over emotional, I was just concentrating, trying to take my mind off of him, off the shame and pain.

I always liked glass, it always looked so pretty shattering. I used to drop wine glasses purposefully when I was younger, just to see the pieces shatter, my parents got angry of course, I stopped after a while, but sometimes I would do it again and say it was an accident. At Hogwarts if I dropped something I could fix it easily. It didn't matter if I dropped something made of glass because it was easily fixed. (_Easily broken. Easily fixed.) _But I always liked the sound of breaking glass and the look of it, I may sound crazy but it was simply something I liked. Like some people might like fire or chocolate, I liked glass.

I loved going to the beach and finding the coloured glass worn down and no longer sharp amongst the seaweed and pebbles and sand. I used to collect it, some people collect pretty stones or stamps and other such objects, I like the glass on the beach that had travelled for many miles to reach the beaches I walked across. I liked the thought of someone else having dropped it into the sea, I liked the thought that it had been across the world, to places I would never see. In reality that was probably untrue. But I liked the thought. I liked entertaining the thought of it.

I fell asleep in Draco Malfoy's bed, lying as far away from his as I could, my thoughts swirling with suicide, death and glass. I wasn't planning on killing myself but its hard not to think of these things at times likes that.

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**Hopeyoulikey. :)  
MyLookOfDenial. X**

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	6. F

**_6. F_**  
Sometimes you do things on the spur of the moment and later come to regret them. But other times doing things on the spur of the moment ends up being a good thing. Or other times it's hard to decide whether the outcome is good of bad, it takes time to come to the right conclusion. Hindsight is such a useful thing to have, looking back and knowing. But sometimes it's hard to decide whether that certain event started off a whole chain of events and is the reason for what happened to happen. You can never truly be sure really.

I was walking through the vast corridors of the Manor going nowhere in particular, I found myself next to a door that had faded green letters on that said 'Draco's Room'. I presumed it was his room when he was younger and before his parents left to live in France, I assumed he had changed rooms. I warily pushed the door open and the room I entered was quite big, with a single bed against one wall and a bed side table beside it in a dark brown colour, the duvet covers on the bed were a pale green colour with broomsticks enchanted to fly all over them, the pillows matched. There was a desk underneath the large window with old school books messily piled on top, there was an old quill and empty ink pot on its side next to the assorted books.

The carpet was a dark green colour and there was a wardrobe against the wall next to the door, the doors were open and I could see a mismatch of various clothes hanging inside. I saw old Slytherin robes and quidditch robes too, next to the wardrobe was a chest of drawers. There was a poster on the wall next to the bed of a quidditch team I did not know, the people were moving about and on the bottom I saw a few signatures of whom I assumed to be the quidditch players. There were scantily clad girls on another poster who moved about giggling together, they wore short grey skirts like at Hogwarts, tight fitting white practically see through shirts that showed off lots of cleavage, high black heels and green Slytherin ties around their necks. I looked away and at the book lying on the pillow, I walked closer and picked it up, I saw on closer inspection that it was a dark green diary and had in messy writing on the front '_**Property of Draco Malfoy. DO NOT READ**_.' It was in a thick black pen and took up the whole front cover. I saw that there was no lock and opened it, the first page said '_**Draco Malfoy's journal' **_I turned the page and saw it was covered in messy writing, the same as the front and the first page. I began to read.

_Father gave this to me today, as a present for Hogwarts, a present for going to Hogwarts. Mother said it was a nice little diary, but that sounds so girly, like what Pansy or Daphne would have, so I'm going to call it my journal, father has a journal and now I have one too, just like him. _

_I know I'll be sorted into Slytherin, every Malfoy has for centuries, I don't think about what'll happen if I'm not anyway, father would be furious and mother would surely faint or something like that, she always faints of shock. I think she's just pretending sometimes to get out of things and such, but I do love mother, even if she can be a bit silly. And she's so clumsy always tripping over and getting black eyes and bruises on her arms. Though I've never seen her trip, whenever I'm with her she's always so careful and not clumsy at all. She only trips when her and father are shouting, I asked once, she said that his shouting makes her jump and then she trips, I don't believe her though. I don't know what to believe, because father would never hurt mother, he loves her too much, but it is always when they shout that mother trips, Pansy says that's what happens with her mother and father too, but Daphne says that never happens, Vince and Greg are too stupid to know anything so I could never ask them. _

_I never trip though, and that's okay, but father never trips either, just poor mother. I wish she didn't trip so much, I wish she didn't always cry, I do wish she was happy, she says she is but I can tell she's lying. Sometimes she comes to my room at night and sleeps in my bed with me like when I was little and I used to get bad nightmares. I tell her I don't need her because I'm not a baby and I don't get nightmares anymore. But she says that she gets nightmares and needs me to look after her. I wonder why father can't look after her because they share a bed, but I don't ask anymore, I did a few times but it made her cry too much and I hate to see her cry. _

_Sometimes I pretend to be asleep and listen to her cry, not because I want her to, but because I want to know why she's so sad. She never tells though. I love mother more than anything, I love her more than father, but I would never tell him that, because he's get angry and lock me in my room, or worse the dungeons and I'd have to stay there for ages. But it's okay because mother always brings me food and comes to make sure I'm okay, or she sends one of the house elves. But it's our little secret because otherwise father will get angry, and we don't like it when father's angry. _

_But enough about mother and father, this is about me and my first day at Hogwarts. Which is tomorrow, I am quite excited really. I've been waiting to go to Hogwarts all my life, I'll be Slytherin, and I'll rule the house, after all I am a Malfoy. And Malfoy's always get what they want. When they want it. I should go to bed now, I can already hear mother and father shouting. I just heard a bang, maybe mummy tripped again. _

It hurt so much to read that, at the end when he called his mother 'mummy' instead of the uptight 'mother'. It didn't take two guesses to know what the 'tripping' was, I sat on the bed and began to flip through, I reached a page that began '_I caught Granger today_,' so I began to read

_I caught Granger today, the Weaselette was there too, but she was killed, she wasn't important. Well Granger isn't that important but she's Potter's best friend, though she has no information, she's been on the run for ages. I wish I knew where Weasley was. I would so love to kill that little shit, I always hated Weasley, why Potter decided to be friends with a blood traitor like that I'll never know. But then he was friends with that mudblood Hermione Granger he obviously has not taste at all. I don't know what he sees in that mudblood bitch, I hate her. _

_But I have her now. She's mine and I can do what I want with her. The Dark Lord gave her to me, he was in a good mood, else he would have killed her. She didn't scream though and I hate that too, because when I was crucioed I screamed, well I didn't exactly scream but I moaned in pain or whatever. Then her dirty mud blood gripped down her chin and I hate the fact that it looked just like my blood._

_I'm having a feast tonight and we always have entertainment, some dirty mudblood to fuck, and that mudblood is Granger. I won't let anyone else use her if she's a virgin, if she isn't then they can have her too, I only like the virgin's because then I had them first, no one else. I doubt she is though she's probably fucked both Potter and Weasley like the dirty mudblood bitch she is. Anyway, why the fuck am I talking about that bitch? Everyone will be here soon for the meal._

Then on the next clean page it said.

_She begged me not to. I hadn't expected her to be a virgin. I didn't want to show my shock. But I did. And she noticed. She was strong though her comment about me not being a proper man. I'll give her that, she was strong. However much I fucking hate her, she's strong, but stupid, a mouth like that'll get her in trouble. _

_Then I found her curled on the floor like a child. I should have taken her there like I said to her, but I didn't. Because I am weak. I don't know why, but I couldn't do it. I will not be so weak again. I am Draco Malfoy and Malfoy's show no mercy. To anyone: Not even fucking Hermione Granger. _

It was a shock to read his blunt statements about my rape. The diary had obviously been charmed to look smaller that it was inside, there were tonnes and tonnes of pages covered in his writing. I noticed there were no dates on any of the pages, just a new day was on a new page that was all, no indication of the date. I read on, wanting to see if he wrote anything about what happened the night before. It was the last page, the others after it were empty.

_I hate it when she uses magic, because she's stronger than me, sure I have a wand but she doesn't and she still smashed that ball. She knew I wouldn't kill her, I punished her anyway, fucked her, she had the fucking nerve to laugh at me when I couldn't undo my trousers. I should have made her give me head, shame her. I know she hates that, with Longbottom I could see how much she hated it and of course she did, she hates me. I don't care about that. _

_But when she was standing at the window, I was so scared. Granger couldn't die. I wouldn't let her die. And that scared me more than anything. I shouldn't give a shit about Granger. But I do. I care about Granger. There I said it. _

_What the fuck is wrong with me? She's a fucking mudblood, the very thing I was born to hate. Father said all mudbloods are ugly stupid low lives. But why the fuck is Granger cleverer that me, in fact she was cleverer than our whole year. Why is she fucking pretty? It doesn't make sense, it's not bloody right. She's meant to be ugly, but she's not, she's so fucking tempting. If it wasn't for that I wouldn't fuck her, I wouldn't even touch her. _

_The other girls, when I had them, I only fucked them sometimes, never every day, not like Granger. I never made any of them sleep in the same bed as me. Being so close to her was intoxicating, I had to make my breathing slow and heavy, in a pretence to try to sleep. I watched her when she was sitting at the window, then when she stood up, her little frame just small enough to fit the window, I couldn't help it. I should have let her kill herself, she said she wouldn't have done it. But I can't say I was so sure. I told her I wanted to be the one to kill her. She knew I was lying. It scared me as much as it seemed to scare her. What the fuck is wrong with me? _

_You know what I hate the most? I feel guilty. I, Draco Malfoy feel guilty for making a stupid mudblood want to kill herself. But Granger isn't any old mudblood…_

_Oh fuck this, I have places to be. _

My heart was in overdrive in my chest, I shut the diary carefully, placing it on top of the pillow like it had been before with shaking hands. My breathing was unsteady. Malfoy couldn't care about me, it didn't work like that, if he did care about me he wouldn't have hurt me so much. Or was it because he wanted to cover how he really felt? That thought scared me, there were clues, when he saw I was a virgin I was shocked at his shocked reaction and earlier when he pulled me from the window.

I hurriedly stood up, smoothing down the bed covers so it wasn't obvious I had been sitting there. I then walked out the room balling my shaking hands into fists at my sides and trying to calm myself down from the shock of reading Draco Malfoy's most intimate thought.

***

We were all sitting around the fire on the old sofa's and some people on the floor when Malfoy walked in. Jane had already told us that he would be coming to talk to us and that it was very important, I was terrified that he had found out that someone read the diary and was going to find out who, then probably torture them to death. We all hurriedly stood and crowded together as we stood in front of him, he assessed us and then beckoned Jane to him, she stood by his side, not close a few paces apart.

"It is inconvenient for you to walk around the Manor as I am having guests to stay and do not want them to have to see your mudblood and muggle faces, oh and of course squibs." He said his eyes locking on Lily, who stood beside me, I caught her hand in my own as I saw her shoulders shake lightly, her eyes trained on the floor. Everyone knew she was crying, she gripped my hand tightly in hers trying to control herself. "Pathetic." Malfoy hissed, I glared at him angrily, he caught my angry eyes and smirked at me.

He didn't know.

I could tell he didn't, I let out a sigh and caught the confused expression on his face as the relief showed on my features. I hurriedly masked my feelings and carried on glaring at him, his eyes stropped roaming my face and he looked back around at everyone else. "As I was saying, they shouldn't have to see you or anything. Now the spell that is on all of you which means I can call you also means you can apparate to places around the Manor. Do not even bother trying to apparate to any other places outside of the manor. It will not work." He told us.

"But surely it'll only work if we're witches and not everyone here is?" Evie asked.

"It is special charm that means it can be used on anybody, those of you that are non-magical will probably find it quite hard, but the rest of you will manage and can probably help the others." He told us. "Also I have decided to give you all different coloured dresses, because black is somewhat boring and predictable." It was for his guests, that much was obvious. "Jane can read out the list to you and I will change your dresses to that colour and then from now on it is the only colour you will wear." He turned to Jane, and she looked at the piece of paper in her hand.

"Lauren, pink. Suzie, orange. Sophie, purple. Evie, turquoise. Martha, grey. Ellie, maroon. Nancy, light brown. Anya, bright red. Lily, light blue. Rosie, yellow. Mia, still dark green." Jane said, Malfoy changes the dresses as she said the names and colours, a bored expression on his face.

"Now, my guests needed to be treated with the highest level of respect, if I find out you have shamed me I will not hesitate to hurt you greatly." He said, his tone deadly, there was no doubt in our minds that he didn't meant it. "Now, many of my guests will be men and they have certain desires." Everyone stiffened at that, scared. "If they decide to use you, you will not fight back, some of you I will put charms on you which will mean they will not be able to. But the rest of you must just take it okay?" He asked annoyed. "Now, Granger no one is touching you but me." He said murmuring a spell that bathed me in a faint yellow light before disappearing. "Weasley, you are too pathetic, you would shame me." He said doing the same to her. "Who out of you are still virgin's?" He asked.

"Me." Evie said quietly.

"And me." Suzie said.

"So am I." Sophie said, she and Evie were clutching onto each other, terrified. Suzie stood stiffly, her shoulders were hunched slightly, her hands locked together in front of her in anticipation Malfoy seemed to be thinking, trying to decide what he would do. We all waited in anticipation until he muttered the charm his wand pointed at Evie, then Sophie. He paused at Suzie, her eyes were wide, she hurriedly tried to blink back tears. He did the charm on her, she sighed relaxing slightly, her hands falling to her sides, relief washing over her features.

"I'll save you all for later." He said, justifying his actions, they didn't have to worry though, everyone thought he was going to keep me on for as long as he could. Until I stopped being interesting, until I just became another filthy mudblood who meant nothing, who was no longer feisty and angry. Just weak and thoroughly destroyed.

"The rest of you. Well," He shrugged, "Deal with it." He said before turning and walking to the door. "Granger." He commanded, I let go of Lily's hand and walked towards him, I couldn't be bothered for the crucio, I was already terrified of him finding out what I had done. I followed him obediently as we walked towards the dungeons, I knew what was coming, someone I once knew would be there, they would get their last dose of torture before death greeted them with open arms.

"What shall it be today Granger?" He asked, glancing at me, "Fuck against the wall, blow job?" He asked. "Hand job? Haven't done that yet, not quite the same pleasure in there for me, but enough." He said nodding, "Sounds perfect doesn't it?" He said before unlocking the door and stepping inside, I gingerly followed him inside and had to swallow hard to stop the bile rising in my throat. The once grand Professor McGonagall hung by her wrists, that were chained to the wall, her feet didn't touch the ground, he robes were ripped and bloodied. Her hair loose and dirty, it was completely grey and hung limply around her dirt covered face, which was smeared with blood, as were her clothes and the areas of skin I could see. Her feet were bare and bloodied, her hands were deathly pale, I assumed this was because no blood could reach them. Her skin was covered in a layer of dirt and grime, various scars and fresh wounds covered the parts of her body I could see. I took a step backwards, away from her hurt eyes, her confused expression, I glanced behind me and saw the door was closed, I knew it would be locked already, Malfoy smirked at me.

"Oh God." I muttered, shocked, I didn't want her to see me give Malfoy a hand job, or any other sick thing he decided I should do.

"A few of the really sick Death Eaters even fucked her." Malfoy's voice broke through my thoughts, my hand covered my mouth as I turned to him.

"Please don't Malfoy, just kill her now." I begged him.

"I want her to have this little bit of extra torture." He said. "I think I'll fuck you actually, bit worse than a hand job don't you think?" He asked, as if my opinion would count.

"No, please Malfoy." I said, I didn't care about me, it didn't bother me anymore, but I didn't want her to see that.

"Sorry Mia." He drawled the name he had heard Jane call me earlier, "I think I'll call you that from now on, Granger is just a tad formal." He said.

"I like formal." I said, I didn't want him to call me that, it was for my friends, people I loved and trusted. Not my torturer, not the brander, not the capturer. Not him and his pain inflicting life.

"Shut up." He said, catching my arm and slamming me against the wall. I tried to push him away of course, but he pinned my arms above my head easily as usual. He pushed my dress up, "Wrap your legs round my waist." He ordered as he did every time, I did as I was told. McGonagall had the same charm on her that Neville did, she could not speak, but I saw her shocked eyes as Malfoy embedded himself inside of me. I had to look away, the disgrace at myself was overwhelming, his head was pressed into the crook of my neck as my back slammed into the wall.

I closed my eyes; trying to ignore his hot breath on my neck and the feel of him inside of me, it hurt as he forced himself inside of me again and again, pulling out then pushing in. the pain ceasing slightly and then coming back full force. I tried to imagine myself somewhere else, trying to forget his hand digging into my waist, or the tight grip of my wrists. He stopped and pulled out of me after he had shuddered lightly and released his seed inside of me. I hated it when he reached his climax. Sex is meant to be pleasurable for both participants, I have never felt anything but pain. I wanted to reach my climax, I wanted to scream in pleasure and experience a mind blowing orgasm.

When he let go of my wrists I fell down the wall, landing on my bum, I hurriedly pulled myself up, ignoring his amused expression. I smoothed down my dress glaring at him before walking over to my old Transfiguration teacher.

"I…" I trailed off, coughing lightly, "I'm sorry you had to see that." I murmured, I heard Malfoy walking about and turned to see what he was doing, he went to lean on the side of the door smirking at me. I glowered at I'm before turning back to Professor McGonagall. "Don't worry, it'll all be over soon. No more pain." I said, "I don't mean that in a bad way, I'm sure you'll go to heaven." I paused, "If there is one." I said. "I'm really sorry that we never won the war." I told her, "I tried really hard, I promise I did." I murmured sadly, "I guess some things aren't meant to be. I mean I still believe in what we fought for but there's not much I can do here you know." I said quietly, "It's better to just get on with it, it's not too bad really, I mean of course it's not great, but at least I'm alive right?" I asked, more reassuring myself than her. "You did really well though. To stay alive this long outside in the real world is something not many can do. Or so I've heard, I haven't been there for a while you know. I've been here a few months now, I don't really keep count. I can only guess." Her eyes were locked on me. "I'm so sorry." I said because she was about to die and even if my life was not good I would still live. "You've been so strong, I don't doubt that you told them nothing, that thing he just did was your last bit of torture before you're killed." I told her, "I don't care though because I get to talk to you, I got to talk to Lavender and Neville too. I mean sure it's not nice but I get to say one last goodbye." I saw the tears in her eyes. "Please don't cry, it'll be all better in a minute, the pain will cease and everything will be so much better." I told her.

"Hurry up Mia." He drawled from behind me, I glanced at him.

"One minute." I said quickly turning back to McGonagall.

"You were always my favourite Professor you know, I wish I was still in Hogwarts, still that little know-it-all I was in first year. Because I don't know anything anymore, I don't have Harry and knows anything anymore anyway? I don't and you can't tell me. I've lost everyone I love, I've lost everything that mattered." I whispered, as the tears built up in my eyes. "I am so, so sorry Minerva." I said, because no one wants the last words they hear to be their surname, to be so formal. I stood on tiptoe and kissed her cheek before turning way, trying to block out the image of the tears spilling down her cheeks. The green light flashed past me, the tears fell steadily down my cheeks, but I kept my head down, my eyes on the floor as I walked ahead of Malfoy.

"Hey Mia?" He called I stopped drying my tears.

"What?"

"Does it not hurt?" He asked, curiosity in his voice.

"What?" I asked, there was too much hurt in my life to know which one was the hurt he meant.

"When I fuck you against the wall?" He asked. "And between your legs?" I turned to face him, a frown on my features, it was hard to know what to say, no meant he might just hurt me more so it actually hurts, yes meant he might just do it more because he was proud of hurting me.

"Maybe." I said, he laughed.

"Always the clever one." He murmured, "Pull your dress up at the back, let me see." He ordered, I turned away wanting to walk away. "Do it Granger." He said icily, I pushed my dress up at the back, to just blow my bra strap, my back visible and the purple bruises on them. The foul tasting medicine that I took every morning got rid of the bruises for a while, but nothing lasts forever. I later found out that it was like the pill, stopping me getting pregnant, it also somehow stopped me getting my periods every month, apparently I would get it every so often month and it would be lighter.

I heard him coming closer and craned my neck to see my back, it was black and blue with bruises, I went to push my dress down, but he caught my hand, holding my dress up, I felt his hand run, surprisingly gently, across my back, it didn't hurt too badly when he only lightly brushed it, the foul potion was not great at concealing bruises after a while, but it did dull the pain.

He let go and I pushed my dress down, turning to face him. "What about the insides of your legs?" I pushed my dress up slightly, revealing the bruises on the inside of my thighs, I looked up at him as he looked at the bruises. He looked up at me and I pushed my dress down, his eyes bore into mine and I didn't know what to do. All I could think about were the words in his diary, admitting he cared for me. I felt a blush cover my cheeks at the intensity of his eyes. It felt so weird to blush, I had not blushed for what seemed like forever. I looked down at my bare feet, I felt his hand under chin, pulling my face up to meet his eyes, his movement was not harsh or viscous like I had expected, but gentle. The way we were staring into each others eyes to a bystander it would have looked like we were lovers, staring deep into our paramour's eyes.

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**love it or hate it? let me know. :)  
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**MyLookOfDenial. X  
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	7. G

**_7. G_**  
His hand dropped to his side and clenched into a fist, his other one did the same, I felt the fear seeping out of my skin and fill the corridor with terror, my breathing quickened as his once soft eyes turned to hard chips of steel. They were full of hate and loathing, directed solely at me. He was angry because he had shown weakness he had been kind to me, well kinder than usual. I didn't want the pain or the hurt anymore, I took a pace back, my eyes still locked with his beautiful silver blue orbs.

My big brown eyes were wide and my lips parted slightly in shock at his sudden mood swing, he caught my wrist just as I imagined myself in my bedroom, down in the servant's quarters. His fingers dug into my wrist and I didn't doubt that his fingertips would be imprinted on the tender flesh the next day, the bruises only a reminder of the day before.

I had not tried to apparate in the manor before but I had disapparated in the outside world before. It was smooth and so very different to wizarding apparition, this was servant apparating. It was fast and just like flying, there was no loud crack when my feet connected with the hard stone of my bedroom floor there was only a silence deafening and oh so petrifying. The only sound was my breathing, I could feel my heart crashing in my chest, I wondered if he could hear it too. I opened my eyes, which I had tightly closed throughout the apparition, they locked onto Malfoy's, he looked around the room.

My room looked slightly unlived in, there were no posters or clothes littering the floor like in my room back in the muggle house I had lived in, or Hogwarts. The bed was neatly made, the nightie tucked under the pillow, it could not be seen, but I knew it was there. The small wood desk had an inkpot and quill on it, although I doubted I would ever be allowed to send letters. There were no sweet photos of family or friends on my small wooden bedside table: Only a little old fashioned alarm clock that woke me every morning.

"Is this your room?" He asked, I nodded mutely trying to step away, he pushed me backwards my legs connecting with the edge of my bed, causing me to sit down. "I'll fuck you in your own bed then, give you some more bruises to remember me by." He said, he was making up for being _almost_ nice to me earlier.

"Please Malfoy." I said beseechingly, he stepped towards me undoing his flies.

"Try to escape again and you'll regret it." He told me. "Now lie down with your head on the pillow." He said, it was only a little single bed.

"No." I said.

"Fine you can be on top." He said smirking.

"No Malfoy please, I won't say anything, I don't like you, I hate you I promise, there's no need for this." I told him, wanting him to understand that I thought no different of him.

"Good." He said.

"I don't think you think anything of me either, I'm just a filthy mudblood, you can just wish yourself back to your room and we'll say no more about it." I cried, he had pulled his trousers off and his boxers were on the floor too, I noted they were green silk. He also took his shirt off so he was standing naked in my room, he said a locking charm as he pointed his wand at the door, he then walked towards me, his wand trained on me.

"I know that you are Granger. Now take off your dress." He hadn't made me do that before, always the dress was on, he just pushed it up.

"No!" I cried.

"Fine, I'll take it off for you." He said stepping forwards, "Incidere." He said, it was Latin for rip, and the spell did just that, he pressed his wand to where my dress started at the top, between my breasts. He dragged the wand downwards to the bottom of my dress, the material ripped as it went, his wand was sharp and I felt it cut my skin slightly as my dress was ripped down the front. Even my bra was ripped down the middle, the bra only staying on because of the straps and the clip at the back, he smirked at me as I pulled my dress back around me. Not wanting this. I felt the lump in the back of my throat and swallowed hard, blinking hurriedly, not wanting to cry in front of _him_.

"No." I said in a hoarse whisper, not fully trusting myself to speak, I shook my head frantically.

"If I were you I would take if off now Granger." He said, a deadly tone to his voice, I shook my head again. "Crucio." He said, the pain seemed to tear me apart from the inside out, burning through my body, travelling through my veins and arteries, tearing at my heart and stopping my lungs from working, my breath came in short gasps.

It just kept going, I knew he wouldn't stop until I did what he wanted or I broke, screaming and begging for him to stop. I did not want to do either, but I knew I would regret it more if I let the scream that so desperately wanted to erupt do so. My legs were shaking and I knew I would fall, so I pulled my dress off and then my bra, the pain ceased and I let the tears trail down my cheeks. I stood shakily as I glared at Malfoy, we both stood naked in my room, he looked appraisingly at my body. I could visibly see him getting harder at the sight of my exposed flesh. I bit my bottom lip, the pressure on it was all that kept me from crying out.

He lay down on _my_ bed, his eyes on my all the time, he lay on his back and beckoned me to him, his wand was trained at me all the time, I had no choice but to obey, unless I wanted the crucio again, which I didn't. I stood next to the bed, my cheeks slightly red from the shame of it.

"Please don't make me." I said sadly, he smirked at me and leant over catching my hips in his hands and pulling me to him.

"Get on the bed Granger." He said. "Your legs either side of me." He said, I didn't bother stopping the tears, my sobs were loud as I knelt astride him. His hands dug into my hips, my hands were curled in fists either side of me. I was positioned just above him. "Do it." He said, the lust in his eyes clouded everything else, I pressed down on him, he moaned as he was sheathed inside of me. I swallowed my sobs and swiped away my tears as I sat on him, "Move!" He cried. So I pulled myself up slightly, his hands dug into my hips so hard it hurt. His hips bucked upwards and I squeezed my eyes tight shut, wishing myself away.

Far away.

Where no one like Draco Malfoy could hurt me, where everything was fine, where we won the war, Voldemort fell and not Harry. Neville, Lavender, and Professor McGonagall were alive and well. Mrs Weasley had not lost too many children. I was still at Hogwarts, the DA was good, I was know-it-all Hermione Granger and I didn't care.

_Life was good._

I was brought back to reality as he pulled me up again. "Move up and down." He said, I pushed myself down on him again, he was helping my movement with his hands. He head had fallen back, his eyes were closed, I pulled right up again and then pushed down, he pulled me down as far as he could, wanting to feel more of himself inside of me. I pulled up again, practically so he was out of me, "Faster." He said, so I pushed down onto him and then pulled up again, it was tiring and I found no pleasure in the experience, I wondered if I would ever find pleasure in sex.

If I was ever freed I wondered if I would feel like I could be with another man, after Malfoy would I be able to face the feel of someone else inside me, or would the memories be too terrible. I wondered as I pleasured him. I pressed my hands to his abdomen and the bottom of his stomach to support myself. He kept one hand on my hip helping to pull me up and down as the other squeezed my breast. His moans were more and more consistent as I pulled myself up and down on him as fast as I could, his hips rocked in sync with mine he let go of my hip with the other hand and knotted it into my messy hair, I gasped lightly as he pulled my hair. His eyes were tight shut as I carried on, his hand stroked and fondled my breast, it was too hot in the room, I was sweating and so was he, our body heat combined made the room too hot. He groaned gasping, his eyes opened and locked with mine, he flipped up over so I was underneath his forehead pressed against mine as. My legs wrapped around his waist, I didn't want to risk the crucio, "Move." He gasped in between breaths, I rocked my hips with his, he carried on, his eyes locked with mine, he shuddered and released inside of me.

I felt it.

I saw his eyes roll back in his head and wondered what such pleasure would feel like, I didn't want him to show me. I just wanted to know. I had never been with anyone before Malfoy, all I had ever done was kissed. And I had never, pleasured myself. There was something not quite right about it in my mind, I wanted the first person to touch me like that to be the person I loved. Someone who cherished me who I trusted and loved.

Not someone like Malfoy.

We stayed like that for a long time, his eyes closed and his forehead pressed to mine, still buried deep inside of me, no longer hard though. My legs were still wrapped around his waist, his hand that had been on my breast, was in my hair with the other hand, no longer gripping tightly, but loose. The only sound was our breathing, I was too scared to move in case he would get angry. My hands were either side of my body, uncurled from the fists they had been in.

To an outsider it may have looked romantic. Like two lovers locked in an embrace, not wanting to part from one another. Wanting to stay connected. But I knew better, _we_ knew better. There was no love in the embrace that we shared.

My eyes were searching his face, for a sign, of anything. Whether what he had written was true, his eyes were closed, but I could see his silver-blue orbs perfectly in my mind. Imprinted there. His breathing became heavier, more relaxed and I wondered if he was asleep. He sighed and his hand moved in my hair, gently running through the curls, he did the same with his other hand, tenderly trying to get out the knots. His forehead still pressed against mine. It felt almost nice, I guessed that he had to be asleep, it was a subconscious thing to do, he couldn't be awake because he would never do that. Of course I knew from what I had read that he cared for me, but he wouldn't show it.

The tears had dried on my face so I raised my hands to brush off the salt tracks down my cheeks, my hands brushed against his face as did this, his eyes flicked open immediately, my own widened in shock, I wiped away the tear tracks and put my hands back to my sides. His forehead pressing into mine was uncomfortable, but I said nothing, the despair in his eyes was overwhelming.

"I had to torture a little girl today." He said, "She was only about six. She was so small. But she was a muggle." He told me. "She had to die." His hands continued brushing through my hair. His pulled out of me and I removed my legs from his waist, I turned on my side to face him, he did the same. One of his hands was above my head playing with a strand of my hair the other hand was limply on top of the covers. "She screamed and screamed. I can still here her now if I listen hard enough." He said his eyes closing, "She wouldn't stop." He whispered, I felt the tears well in my eyes, "I didn't want to Granger. That's the bad thing. I should have not given a shit, but she didn't deserve that." He said so sadly it made my heart hurt. "Do you think I'm a monster?" He asked.

"Yes." I said truthfully, he nodded.

"I am."

"You don't have to be." I told him, and shivered the room seemed suddenly cold. He pulled the duvet out from underneath us and put it over our naked bodies.

"I do." I shook my head sadly.

"You didn't have to…" I trailed off, "You didn't have just do this," I said, "To me." I murmured after.

"But I did." He said.

"Don't do it again." I said, he chuckled.

"It doesn't work like that, you're my slave."

"You can get a girlfriend though right? Someone else?" I said.

"I have one."

"Who?"

"Astoria Greengrass."

"So why keep doing this to me?" I asked in anguish, why did he need to hurt me so?

"Because I prefer you."

"Find someone better than Astoria then, someone you like more than me."

"Astoria is the perfect pureblood you know, I'll probably marry her one day I don't doubt. But she's not…" He trailed off and frowned, "She's not what I want to sleep with, sure she's pretty and all, but she isn't interesting or anything, she's no good in bed. Or anything like that." He said.

"Oh." I sighed, "You could teach her?" I asked, he laughed.

"I doesn't work like that, you're just good that's all, I'd rather you than her, you're more interesting Granger." He said.

"All this pain because I'm…I'm fucking interesting?" I asked, through my anger and the pain.

"You have a good body too." He said, I closed my eyes firmly, trying to stop the tears.

"I hate you. You are a monster Draco Malfoy, I hope that poor little girls' scream haunt you until the day you die. I hope that all the people who you have killed haunt you, the innocent children and women, the fathers and husbands trying to protect their families. The people with no one, the people who never got to say goodbye." I told him, my eyes opening, full of anger.

"That's why, because your feisty and oh so moral." He said, the anger welled inside of me at that.

"I'll hate you until the day I die, and if it means that you'll rape me because of what I believe in then I don't give a shit. Because I'd rather have my beliefs and morals and be tortured by you than have none at all." I told him angrily.

"It's not rape." He said his face close to mine.

"I don't want you inside of me." I told him.

"It's not though." He said.

"I don't want you Malfoy, I don't want you inside of me, but you do it anyway, that's rape." I told him. "Only monsters rape." I told him.

"I'm not…" He trailed off.

"You are." I hissed, "Your evil and cruel and heartless, no one will ever love you." I whispered.

"Stop it." He said angrily.

"You horrible and hurtful, you will die a lonely old man, haunted by innocent little girls screams. You don't want to admit that what you're doing to me is wrong, or to any of the other girls. Because you don't want to think that you're wrong, that you're cause is wrong. You don't want to have to admit that killing innocent children who have no part in this war is wrong. You want to think that what you're doing is right, but we both know it isn't. You don't want to admit that what you're doing to me is wrong, because then you would have to work out exactly why you are doing this. And you won't do that, because you don't like to be wrong. The hurt you are causing me and others, you say is nothing, you say it doesn't matter. But we both know that it is important, or you would admit that you are raping me and hurting me. You're in denial." I hissed, he looked taken aback by my sudden outburst. "I don't doubt that you will marry Astoria Greengrass, but you'll have mistresses, if this war never ends then you'll have mudbloods to fuck, to rape, to hurt. You'll marry Astoria and it'll be a loveless marriage from the start. Pure convenience, nothing else. You'll maybe have a child and it will grow up to be just like you, like you are just like your horrible father. It will grow up like you, spoilt, but unloved." I told him. The hand that had been resting on top the covers instead of above my head, grabbed the hair at the back of my head. Pulling my head back, keeping it still, his face was so close to mine, I was breathing in his air.

"You don't know what you're talking about." He told me.

"I know you." I said.

"You don't know me Granger, you don't know me at all." He cried.

"You're hurting Malfoy. You're confused." I said, "You don't know if this is what you want anymore if you are really fighting for the right side. You don't want to hurt me, but you don't want to seem weak." I said, his lips pressed to mine, he said nothing, maybe he was trying to shut me up. [Who knows.]

His lips pressed to mine with force, his lips were warm against mine, my own lips had parted at the shock of his against me. His hand in my hair loosened slightly, his lips were needy against mine, desperate. His tongue entered my mouth, probing, I found myself kissing him back.

I don't know why.

I can only guess that I was lonely and desperate for the violence to stop, I thought that if I let him kiss me he wouldn't hurt me. It was bruising and unlike the kisses I had shared with Viktor, Malfoy's kisses were practiced and desperate. Viktor's were just lips pressed together and tongues going everywhere. This was so much more needy and foreign to me. One of my hands was in his hair, I hated myself for enjoying the kiss, but at the same time I wanted it so badly. I knew it wouldn't last, we would stop and realisation would hit us and maybe he would rape me, claiming he was messing with my mind, but I would know better.

I pulled away first, needing to breathe, his face was over mine, one of my hands on his shoulder, the other in his hair, his hand was in my hair and the other on the right side of my rib cage underneath my breast. My lips were swollen and I was breathing hard, his eyes were full of lust and his lips also swollen. We stayed like that, him hovering over me, both staring into each other's eyes. Then I pulled my hands from his hair and rolled over, my back to him, my face to the wall. I heard him get out of the bed after a few minutes of our breathing in the quiet room. I heard him pull his clothes on, I pulled the white nightie from underneath my pillow out and pulled it on under the covers, curling up my face to the wall.

No words were spoken but when the door had opened and closed I began to sob uncontrollably, scared of what had happened, what I had started by responding to his desperate kisses. I got out of the bed, ignoring my ripped dress and bra on the floor, I imagined myself in a room much like mine. The bedside table had a small dark green book on it, the same alarm clock, a small gold bracelet too. The desk had sheets and sheets of parchment on, all with neat black writing on, piled together, a piece of string through a hole in every corner of the parchment holding it together. The room was set out like mine, but there was a mirror on the back of the door. A small lamp was also on the bedside table, illuminating the room.

I was there and Lily looked up, gasping, "Shit, you scared me, what are you doing here?" She asked. She sat against the wall, the small lamp was on and she held the green book in her hands, a piece of parchment resting on top of it, a quill in her hand and an inkpot balanced precariously against her leg on the bed. She wore her light blue dress and her auburn hair was pulled up in a messy bun. "Mia, are you okay?" I shook my head in answer the tears beginning, she carefully put the green book on the bedside table, the parchment on top and the inkpot and quill on top also. She patted the bed beside her and I sat down, my back against the wall. "Don't cry, it can't be that bad." She said, I glanced at her and shook my head,

"What have I done?" I asked her brokenly, it was more of a question to myself that her.

"I don't know, tell me." She said.

"He did it in front of McGonagall, it was horrid, but I get to talk to her. And then after, he asked if I had any bruises and made me show him them."

"Where?"

"On my back and the inside of my legs." I said.

"Then what?"

"He like held my chin and made me look at him. He wasn't angry or anything, kind of gentle."

"Gentle?" Lily scoffed shaking her head, "Your delusional babe."

"Then he got angry and I tried to apparate to my room."

"Hard isn't it?"

"It was okay actually, easy."

"Yeah well your magic and all, I'm not." She muttered.

"Sorry." I murmured.

"Nah, its fine, carry on."

"But he grabbed my arm and well he lay on my bed naked and made me get on top." I looked down at my hands as the tears fell. The degradation of it all feeling too much.

"He made me do that too sometimes." She said quietly.

"He ripped my dress off, using a spell."

"Incidere, or something?" I nodded, "Yeah me too." She said.

"He flipped us over after a while and he came. But he just stayed like that, on top, his forehead was against mine and my legs were round him."

"His dick was still inside you?" She asked, I nodded. "He always got off me as fast as he could, after _pleasuring_ himself." She said angrily. "Then what?"

"I thought he was asleep and he was getting the knots out my hair, I was brushing away the dried tears from my face and he opened his eyes.

"Was he angry?"

"I don't know, he just stared at me a bit then pulled out of me and lay on his side looking at me again."

"At what part of you?"

"My face."

"Oh I see. But why?"

"I don't know, he told me about the little girl he had to torture and asked if I thought he was a monster."

"What did you say?"

"God, Lily you're so impatient, I'm just getting to it." I huffed.

"Well go on!"

"I said yes and well he said after a bit of talking about nothing that he's apparently dating Astoria Greengrass."

"Scandal!" Lily cried, I giggled.

"Well I said about how he was wrong and sick and disgusting and how I hated him and how he would die unloved and hated etcetera."

"Go Hermione!"

"Well, he said he wasn't."

"Denial, much!"

"That's what I said and then…" I trailed off.

"He fuck you again?"

"No worse."

"What?" She leant forwards, not wanting to miss what I was going to say.

"He kissed me." I said.

"He fucking what?!" She shrieked.

"He kissed me and I kissed him back." I sobbed into my hands, she wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

"Why?"

"I don't know, there's something wrong with me!" I cried.

"Why did he kiss you?"

"I told you about his journal right." I said and let her add two and two together.

"Conflicting feelings." She said, conviction in her voice.

"What happened after the kiss?"

"I pulled away and then faced the wall, trying to get away, he changed and left, then I came here." I told her. "I'm so scared." I whispered.

"You can stay here the night if you like, if you're upset."

"Thanks Lily." I murmured. _'What have I done?'_ still ringing in my ears.

* * *

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**MyLookOfDenial. X**


	8. H

**_8. H_**  
"Lily, Mia, it's snowing!" Anya voice screeched, I sat up immediately, Lily mumbled in her sleep and rolled over.

"It's snowing it's snowing!" Rosie screeched, both of them were at the door, I grinned and jumped up.

"Let's change then go out in it!" I yelled, imagining myself in my room, I put on the dress and bra neatly laid on the bed before imagining myself in the servants quarters again. I immediately walked over to Lauren.

"You're going to come in the snow with me right Mia?" She asked.

"Hell yeah!" I cried.

"Noone else is, they're all too chicken." She said.

"Maybe we just don't want to get soaking wet?!" Suzie cried but grinned anyway.

"I'll drag you in with me and make you eat snowballs!"

"So friendly Lauren." I chuckled. "Who are we waiting for?"

"Ellie and Nancy." Lily said.

"God, they always take so long." Sophie said exasperated.

"And _we_ have to wait for then!" Evie cried, "I want to go have a snowball fight!" She screamed.

"First one to get Ellie or Nancy wins!" Lauren said.

"What will they win?" Suzie asked

"My undying gratitude?" We chuckled at Lauren's quip.

"Yes Lauren that's such an incentive." I said.

"You just get the pleasure of knowing you hit Ellie in the face." Lauren replied.

"Good enough for me." Anya said, at that moment Ellie and Nancy arrived and we all walked to stand in front of the double doors, Lauren pushed them open and grinned at me, she grabbed my hand and we stepped outside, shrieking as the snow connected with our bare feet.

"Don't be such chicken shit, come out now!" Lauren cried, Evie and Sophie stepped outside, Suzie, Anya, Lily and Rosie came out too. Nancy, Ellie and Martha were the last to come out. All hell broke loose as we began throwing snowballs, trying to ignore our frozen feet and numb hands. We were all shivering and shaking but we carried on regardless, laughing and having fun.

"What the hell do you think your doing?!" Draco Malfoy's angry voice asked us, we all stopped and stared at him, "Get inside now." He said, we all hurriedly stepped inside. Jane stood beside him looking a bit scared, "What do you think you were doing?" He asked angrily, he was so different from the he previous night.

"Snowball fight?" Lauren asked unsure, it was more of a question.

"Why?" He looked at Suzie.

"Because it was snowing." She said quietly.

"And?" He asked.

"We haven't seen snow for so long." Martha sighed somewhat dreamily.

"So that gives you the right to just go outside when you please does it?"

"You let us go out in the summer." Rosie explained, that was the wrong thing to say, because Malfoy never liked being wrong.

"With my permission, you disobeyed me by going outside, unless anyone wants to take responsibility for all of your actions then you will all be punished." We all shared glances, I stepped forwards.

"It was all my idea." I said.

"No, it was mine." I glared at Lauren shaking my head at her.

"It wasn't ignore her, it was all my idea." I said, trying to communicate with my eyes to Lauren that it would be better for everyone if I got the punishment, because he wouldn't kill me, he would keep my around because I was the favourite. She nodded understanding and stepped back.

"She's right, it wasn't me." She said.

"Well then come with me." We all shivered as we stood, he sighed and raised his wand, pointing it at us, "Estus." He said, it meant heat in Latin and the faint red mist from his wand passed over us and dried us, making us feel warm again. He glared at me and stalked off, I waved lightly at the other girls before following him. I followed him inside a room with a large oak door, the floor was wooden and there was a window on one side of the room, looking out onto the snowy grounds of Malfoy Manor. The wall adjacent to the one with the window had a huge fireplace, it was made of stone and unlit. "It was very heroic of you to take the blame for the other girls." He said glancing at me, I wondered if he had lain awake the previous night thinking about the kiss. Because it filled my thoughts every spare moment I had.

"It _was_ my idea." I replied.

"And Lauren's." I shrugged lightly.

"No point two people getting the blame, it was mainly me." I answered, "So what is my punishment?" I asked looking around the room, it was empty apart from a small black cauldron sitting beside the fireplace on the floor.

"I'll decide that later, now however, we are going to visit Blaise."

"Zabini?" I questioned, he nodded and grabbed my wrist pulling my into the fireplace and taking a handful of what appeared to be floo powder from the cauldron.

"The Zabini residence." He said, we were whisked away, the green flame enveloping our bodies.

"You're late." Blaise Zabini said as we stepped out the fireplace, Malfoy let go of my wrist.

"My servants decided to play in the snow." Malfoy said annoyed, Blaise chuckled.

"How annoying. Is that Granger with you?" He asked.

"Yes it is." Malfoy replied, Blaise's eyes on me were somewhat uncomfortable, he smirked at me, his eyes lingering on my breasts. "Well come on then man, lead the way, or am I going to stand at your fireplace all day?" Malfoy asked annoyed.

"Come on then." Blaise said, his eyes leaving me as he walked out the room, much like the one back at the Malfoy Manor, except this one had no windows. I followed Malfoy until we reached a living room, Blaise sat down and so did Malfoy, I stood next to Malfoy's sitting form, next to the sofa, unsure of what to do. "Might I be able to borrow her?" Blaise asked, his eyes on me again, as if I were a piece of meat, a possession to be used and given at will.

"No." Malfoy said.

"Why?" He asked confused.  
"She's mine; I don't want anyone else using her." He said, Blaise stood up and stood in front of me, he was a good head taller than me, about the same height as Malfoy.

"I thought we were friends." Blaise said, he wrapped his hand around my wrist, pulling me towards him, "Fuck!" He yelled letting go and taking a step back, inspecting his hand, it was slightly red and looked burnt. "What the fuck was that mudblood?" He asked glaring at me.

"You can only touch her and not get burnt if I allow it." Malfoy explained.

"Then allow it." Blaise ordered.

"Come sit beside me Mia." He drawled, I was indignant about being told what to do, but I didn't want Blaise to have his way with me, he was far more scary that Malfoy in my eyes. I walked past Blaise and sat beside Malfoy on the sofa, not touching, a few inches between us, but the sofa wasn't that large. "I own her, I choose what happens with her."

"Come on Draco, a little blowjob, or hand job?" He asked.

"Is that all you ever think about Blaise, do you not have enough girls of your own?"

"I suppose I do?" He grinned and then spoke, "7 and 3." Two girls immediately appeared,

"You number your girls?" Malfoy asked, amused.

"Yes, easier to remember." The two girls must have been about 20, one had long bleached blonde hair that was dead straight, her skin had an unnatural tan to it, the other girl also had a tan, but it looked more natural, her hair was dark brown and went to her shoulders, but curled lightly at the bottom. They wore plain black bikini's which barely covered their breasts, Blaise patted either side of him and they sat on either side.

"They're usually naked aren't they?" Malfoy asked

"Yeah, but my mother's staying, and of course Catalina is here too and you know what she's like." He said sighing.

"That's why I'm glad I'm an only child." Malfoy said.

"Nah, she's not too bad, annoying, but all little sisters are." He replied, "So they have to have some clothing on." He said, but smirked at Malfoy, "Sadly, what do yours wear?" He asked, Malfoy gestured to my outfit.

"That, in different colours." He explained.

"I see." Blaise said, "Can I just have a little go with her Draco?" He asked.

"I said no Blaise."

"Please, I'll settle for a hand job, come on mate?" He asked, hungrily looked at me.

"Fine!" Malfoy sighed, "Only a hand job though." He said.

"Ok girls, you can leave." Blaise said, the two girls stood up and left.

"Go on then, sit beside him." Malfoy said, I glared at him.

"Malfoy, I don't want to." I told him.

"This is your punishment, would you rather crucio?" He asked, I glared at him before standing up and sitting beside Blaise. Malfoy stood up and stared out the window his hands behind his back and his back to Blaise and I.

"Come on then." Blaise said, he had undone his trousers and pushed them down with his boxers, I grasped him with my right hand, his head fell back onto the sofa, as I began to pump my hand up and down him, I couldn't help but notice that Malfoy's was bigger. "I know why you keep her around mate." Blaise said, Malfoy chuckled at his comment, my hand just about fitted around Blaise, but I raked my nails up him slightly, hating him for forcing Malfoy to let me do it. "Fuck." He gasped, glaring at me, I smirked at him, hoping he saw how much I hated him. "Faster." He said, I immediate slowed down, going painfully slow, his breath was coming is gasps, "I said faster!" He cried, so I went faster, squeezing harder than necessary, I hoped it hurt. "I'm gonna come." He groaned, I immediately let go and moved away, he came and grinned at me, "How much Draco, how much can I buy her off you for?" Blaise asked, "She has a spark." He said, "Scourgify." He said, cleaning himself and then looked at Malfoy.

"She's not for sale Blaise." He said firmly.

"Sure Draco, I'll offer you lots of money?"

"Blaise, I'm far richer than you, and will be until the day I die, I don't need your money. She's mine." He said so possessively it scared me slightly. I didn't want to belong to anyone, but I'd rather Malfoy over Blaise.

"Come on Draco." Blaise asked.

"We're going." Malfoy said, I stood up and followed him out the door, I smirked at Blaise as he looked defeated, he glared at me. Malfoy caught my wrist and pulled me into the fireplace, we were immediately whisked back to Malfoy Manor.

He kept a hold of my wrists as he led me out the fireplace. We stood in the middle of the room and he let go, my hands dropped to my sides. "Put your hands out." He ordered, I frowned but raised my hands anyway, palms up, my elbows at a 90 degrees angle. He pointed his wand at my hands, "Scourgify." He said, my hands tingled slightly, but no visual change had taken place, but all of Blaise's germs were washed away from my hands. "When I have my guests here, do not go near Blaise, apparate yourself somewhere else if he comes towards you. Got that?" He asked angrily, I nodded. He nodded too, as if to convince himself, then pushed me backwards, I stumbled slightly, my back hit the wall, I glanced about myself like a frightened animal, not wanting to know what was going to happen next. He undid his trousers, and pulled them down, along with his boxers, he pressed his body against mine, I could feel him against my stomach, "Legs." He muttered, his hands weren't holding my wrists above my head to help me, I had to hold onto his shoulders as I wrapped one leg around his waist and then the other. Maybe he realised that it wasn't going to fight, so his hands held firmly to my waist, he pushed into me, his forehead was pressed into the left side of my neck, I could feel his hot breath on my skin. My hands stayed on his shoulders because I did not know hat to do with them, he thrust into me, but it wasn't violent like usual. It felt like such an intimate pose, his head rested into the crook of my neck, and my small hands on his shoulders, if only they could see the brand on my palm.

Reminding me that I belonged to Draco Malfoy and always would.

His pace got faster, his breathing faster, I stared straight ahead at the grey brick wall opposite, trying to remember life before I became Malfoy's whore.

He released inside of me.

I didn't like the silence in the room, his breathing reverberated around the stone walls, my own breathing was quiet and slow. He pulled out of me, I dropped to the floor once my legs had unwrapped from his waist, he did up his trousers as I smoothed down my dress, "I will call for you later." He said walking away, then he turned, "The floo network here only works if a Malfoy by blood or marriage says it is okay. I forbid it." He told me, "So don't bother trying, you will only have severe burns to show for it." He said before walking away.

I imagined myself inside the room that was once Malfoy's. I needed to read his thoughts, I had to see what he had said about the kiss. I was there instantly, I picked up the small journal and sat down on the bed, I flicked to the latest entry.

_She changes me completely, I made her go on top, I made her undress. I didn't like the sadness on her face but there was nothing I could fucking do about it. _

_She is my slave and I will treat her as so. _

_But I told her about that little girl, it was because she looked just like her that got me. The same dark hair and innocent eyes, it hurt when she screamed, I wonder if they are related, or were. Dead and gone now, they crucioed her for so long, I had to do it too, they didn't know but I did it weaker, she was only a child, even if she was a muggle. I could hardly condone it. _

_Harrison Roserton wanted to rape her. The sick fucker. The Dark Lord wasn't there. (I would write his real name, but I know that speaking his name is taboo. I wonder if writing it counts too?) Well he wasn't there, maybe if he would have insisted that Harrison do it, you know how he is. Anyway, we all looked horrified as he said it, it was Blaise, Theo, Harrison and myself, Blaise and Theo may be pricks, but raping little girls, even if they are muggles is just a bit too much for us. I know that others, maybe Crabbe and Goyle's fathers may have done it, they're like that. Maybe others too. But Theo told Harrison he was disgusting, Theo's brother has a little girl the same age as the muggle girl. Maybe that's why he found the idea so foul. Not because a muggle and a witch are at all alike, but they were the same age and everything. _

_Anyway, I told Granger, I don't know why, but I needed to tell someone, writing in a diary is hardly the same. I mean journal. I mean a fucking journal. But well then I was just lying under the covers, we were facing each other. I don't know why I did it, but her full lips were just begging that I kiss them. So I did, maybe she was just scared that I would hurt her if she didn't kiss me back. But she did. I didn't tell her to. She kissed me back, I've kissed plenty of girls, it wasn't like she was better than them, just different. I wouldn't say she's done much kissing, well she did date Viktor Krum and was always with Potter and Weasley. But that hardly means she kissed them. Maybe I should ask. But then it would seem like I am interested. Which I'm not. Well I had her first anyway, even if she did kiss Weasley and Potter. I took her virginity. _

_She was probably waiting for marriage or a steady relationship. Fool. _

_The kiss was good, then she pulled away, her doe eyes all scared and 'what have I done?' written all over them, I felt just the same. She turned away and faced the wall. I was stupid to do that. To kiss her. Stupid. A fucking twat. I went back a bit later, just to see what she was doing, she wasn't there. Probably with another of the girls. Scared of what she had done. _

_I won't treat her any different, I'll just act as if nothing happened, I don't want her thinking I give a shit about her. Because I fucking don't. Oh this is pathetic I do fucking care about her and I don't know why. Because I shouldn't. Oh Merlin I do and it's killing me. _

_Well I had better go now, I have to go to Blaise's and I'm taking Granger with me, make Blaise jealous. He did always say she was fit for a mudblood, I have her and he doesn't. But we both know I'm richer and far more powerful. _

_But I kissed her and I can't stop thinking about it. Does she think about it too? _

_I should go, need to get to Blaise's after all. _

_Fuck her and fuck my fucked up mind. _

From his diary I could tell how unsure he was. It scared me, because I had enjoyed the kiss, I wanted it again, I wanted to feel. And that had made me feel, if only for a short time, it was still something.

***

We all stood together, crowded around like frightened sheep. He stood in front of us, like he had the day before.

"My guests will be arriving soon, I expect you to speak when you are spoken to. If I find out you have been rude to any of my guests, you will wish you had never been born. If they ask you where anything is in the Manor, you will take them there personally, unless they ask just for directions. You offer first. Take orders from Jane or myself. Or of course my guests, they are your superiors and they will treat you as such. Excluding those of you I charmed to burn unless I say it's okay to be used by my guests, if my guests want sex, you give it to them." He said looking around at us.

"Who is it that's coming?" Rosie asked, she wasn't like some of the other girls, scared of him that is, she wasn't intimidated or scared by anyone. That's what I always admired about her, she has been so much hardship, but she goes on, she stays strong, she and Lauren are incredibly alike in that respect.

"My parents, the Zabini's, Parkinson's, Greengrass's, Nott's, Goyle's and Bulstrode's."

"Basically, a Slytherin reunion from Hogwarts then?" I asked, but missing Vincent Crabbe. He smirked at me nodding, "Well and their parents and siblings too though?"

"Oh so you remember my fellow Slytherin's."

"It's hard to forget really." I told him. "Do you need supervision, is that why your parents and theirs are coming too?" I asked.

"Do you want me to hurt you is that it? Is that why you annoy me so much?" He asked.

"Or maybe I just hate you?" I lied. I lied. I lied. I fucking lied.

"Maybe." He said, he looked around uninterested, "My guests will be here soon, make sure all the guest rooms are ready." He told us and then walked away.

"How many people in each family coming Jane?" Lauren asked.

"Blaise, Catalina and Mrs Zabini. Only Mr and Mrs Parkinson with Pansy, the older boys aren't. Just the two youngest Greengrass girls and their parents. Theodore Nott, his brother, his brother's wife and little girl, and his parents. The three Goyle's. Then just Mrs Bulstrode and Millicent, they lost Mr Bulstrode in the war." Jane explained to us all. "And of course Mr and Mrs Malfoy. Now you all go and sort out the guest rooms." We all turned and went, we always work in two's. Well thee are five two's and one three. Lily and I. Anya and Rosie. Evie and Sophie. Suzie and Lauren. Then Ellie Nancy and Martha. But if Jane is working with us it's; Jane and Martha. And Ellie and Nancy go in a pair.

***

We all sat around in the kitchen, we knew the guests had arrived but were not permitted to look. We all wanted to see what fine dresses the pureblood women were wearing, we wanted to sigh and gasp at the boldness of their clothes. I hoped that because Malfoy's girlfriend, Astoria was around, it meant that he wouldn't' be calling for me at night. I hoped that she would _satisfy _his needs. The words in his diary were all I could think about. Spinning around and around in my jumbled head.

But also the faces of my old friends were flashing before my eyes: Harry. Ron. Ginny. Fred. George. Lavender. Neville. Luna. But also people who I had known not necessarily from school: Molly and Arthur Weasley. Then of course Dumbledore. Professor McGonagall. Seamus. Dean. Parvati. Padma. Then the lists of the dead: Fred – the final battle.

Ginny – trying to escape.

Harry – Voldemort.

Dumbledore – Snape.

McGonagall – Malfoy.

Lavender – Malfoy.

Neville – Malfoy.

Ron – probably, who knows though?

Padma and Parvati – killed in their beds by Death Eaters, their families too.

So many others I do not want to say because then I will remember and then it will hurt even more than it usually does.

Death and pain was all around us in the air we breathed and the lives we lived. Purebloods lived the life of luxury, all comfort and ease. No need to worry about their parents dying or their siblings being tortured to death. The war may have been over and _they_ won. But even when the war was on, the light never tortured unless a necessity, the same with killing.

But that's the way it is. If you play dirty you're bound to win.

They say that good always overcomes evil. They were wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Fucking wrong.

Because how can good prevail over evil when evil has killed or enslaved all those on the good side? How is that the way it should be? It was never a fair match from the start. Dark magic is as powerful as light magic, if not more. But then they are two completely different types of magic and hardly comparable. Noone on the light side wants to use dark magic because it changes you. You could end up just like them.

And who wants to end up like _them_ anyway?

* * *

**cough - review - cough. :)**

**MyLookOfDenial. X**


	9. I

**_9. I_**  
"Now everyone, the guests have gone down for breakfast, it is your job in your pairs to clean up their rooms. Now, Lauren and Sophie, you will be tidying the Zabini's rooms. Sophie and Evie, the Greengrass's rooms. Martha, Ellie and Nancy, the Nott's rooms. Anya and Rosie, the Parkinson's. Lily and Hermione, the Goyle's rooms and the Bulstrode's. I will be tidying the Malfoy's room." Jane told us all, "I hope that's clear, now be as quick as you can." I walked over to Lily.

"The Goyle's and Bulstrode's, who first?" I asked.

"Ugh neither, I hate tidying up for other people." Lily sighed, I chuckled at her laziness.

"Well then let's go for the Goyle family first." I said and apperated away to the room which I knew Mr and Mrs Goyle were living in. Lily appeared a few seconds later. The room was large and full of finery, not as grand as Malfoy's own room, but still impressive enough.

It didn't take Lily and I long to clean Mr and Mrs Goyle's room, or their slow witted son's room. I wondered if Gregory Goyle missed his old chum Vincent Crabbe. We then tidied the Bulstrode rooms, which didn't take too long either. As soon as we finished we sat down in front of the fire in our quarters. Some of the other girls were already finished but had gone to their rooms to rest and chat, it was Nancy, Ellie and Martha. Martha was probably just sitting staring off into the distance, in a dream world as Ellie and Nancy bitched and gossiped.

"Did you go to a muggle school Lily?" I asked, interested in her life.

"Yes. It wasn't that great though."

"Why?" I asked.

"I was always nervous, I never knew what to say."

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't want to start talking about wizarding things, I had friends of course, but they could never come to my house or anything."

"Did you go to there houses?" I asked.

"Yes, sometimes, but we went to parties and we hung out together, but I kept my life very private."

"What did they think of that?" I asked

"I don't really know, I can't say I cared though. Of course I liked them and we had fun, but, I don't know, it was never really my main priority."

"What friends?"

"Yeah. I told them that my parents were dead and that I lived in an orphanage."

"Lovely Lily."

"Yeah well, it meant that they didn't want to come to my house did they."

"True."

"They were nice about it, I made sure to never slip or anything. Noone ever found out my parents were alive or anything. It was easy really, just saying I had no family, that way they never wanted to know anything. It was common knowledge at school. Lily Weasley, the orphan. That was me."

"You had a good time at school right?" I asked.

"I guess. It was an all girls school, a boarding school." She said, "That's why it was easy to keep up the orphan story. It was better than being at home."

"Why, don't you like your family?"

"I'm not really part of it. Being a squib makes me stand out, wherever I go, I'm different. But my sister and brother talked about Hogwarts whenever we were at home and my parents talked about wizarding affairs."

"So you were happier in the muggle world then." I stated.

"So much more, I fit in well, it was easy, it wasn't that posh a school or anything, but it was good, I have muggle qualifications and I have lived a muggle life. I only wish I was magical."

"I think that's sad."

"You would too if you were me." She told me bluntly.

"I'm sure I would, but are you not happy to be yourself?" I asked, "Is being a muggle and being different truly that bad Lily? You could do well in the muggle world, I bet you're clever." I said.

"I guess, but not clever enough to be magic am I?"

"That's got nothing to do with it. Shit happens Lily, deal with it, don't wallow in self pity." I said.

"I know, but I can't help it, I know my parents don't mean to be, but they're disappointed in me." She said.

"So? Who cares what they think, you really shouldn't Lily, you should be happy to be yourself, wherever you go and whatever you do nothing will run smoothly, there'll always be trouble and bad stuff happening. But you have to live with it, move on."

"I have tried, I had just finished sixth form when this fucking war broke out. I was going to go to university and study art." She told me, "I love it, it doesn't always make sense and it doesn't have to." She told me.

"That's nice."

"Even when I was little, before I found out what I am, I always liked to draw and to paint. I have tried to move on, tried not to care about anything. But they're still disappointed in what I am. "

"I don't believe that your parents are disappointed in you Lily. Have you ever talked to them about it?" I asked.

"Too late now anyway."

"Did you want to be any more pessimistic?" I asked, "Would it even be possible?" I shook my head, "Shouldn't you just be grateful you're alive and that when and if this war ends you will be able to have a life?"

"I don't think this war will ever end Hermione. And anyway I'm not pessimistic, I'm realistic. Even if it does end, life won't go back to the way it used to be. Who's going to give a shit about art when this war is over and people are trying to recover from the loss of those they love. Who will care about beauty when we will be surrounded by the harsh reminders of hate and destruction. And if you think this war will end anytime soon you're living in a dream world Mia." She said.

"I'm not naïve enough to think that Lily, but surely you should move on. You're a squib, why should you care what others think, so what if you're not magic, why should that matter to you? You're parents are probably only disappointed because you're not trying to be somebody, you're just sad that you're not magic."

"So maybe they are. But I will never be good enough, my eldest brother was probably going to become mister of magic one day, he's that wonderful, and my oldest sister is so beautiful and clever and perfect that she could be whoever she wanted, even if we are shit poor and life is tough. Rosemary and Alexander will always be the best. But no they're dead, long gone and I was saved to come here and be a servant for Malfoy. I have got the abuse and the pain. But oh be thankful that you're alive Lily. That's what my mother would say, but why should I be? Death would be so much fucking easier!" She cried. "And my parents. I don't even know if they're alive, they might be, but then they might be killed like Rose and Alex, simply because we're blood traitors and only reason I am even alive is because Malfoy wanted to fuck me!"

"That's the only reason we're all alive here Lily." I said bluntly, "I don't know where my parents are, they might be dead. I have had to witness my school friends murders, I was there when Harry fell and I knew at that moment that life would never be as it was. I cried over the bodies of my loved ones too." I said to her, "Death is hardly the answer, you should live on for those you loved."

"How can I live for them, when all I want is to see then again?" She asked brokenly as the tears fell down her cheeks. "All I want is for the shit to end."

"It has for you Lily." I said, "I'm the one he wants now, not you, make the beds and clean the rooms. Get on with life and live for tomorrow." I said.

"But it hurts Hermione."

"I know." I whispered, we sat in silence staring at the fire as we cried together. It's good to have a cry every once in a while.

The day went slowly, we didn't do much, just sat around by the fire, staring out the window, wishing that we could go outside in the snow. Evening came and Jane told us all that we had to help the house elves in the kitchens. So I ended up peeling potato after fucking potato as frustration over took me, I was desperate to get out, just to spend a minute in the freezing cold snow would be enough.

I needed to breathe.

"Now you will all be serving the dinner tonight, none of the house elves though. You will have to be on your best behavior and please do not anger your master." Jane told us. "You will each take a starter and place it in front of one person, then come back for another until there are no more to get." She said, "Understood?" She asked.

"Yes Jane, we may not be of the purest blood but we are not half witted morons." Lauren said, somewhat annoyed.

"That is not what I was implying Lauren, and you know it. However we both know that I will be the one who has to pay the price if anything goes wrong." She told us, "Now go on, get serving." She told us. We each picked up a plate, I don't know what it was exactly, but it did smell and look delicious. We dutifully walked from the kitchen and into the grand dining hall. I looked up, wondering who to serve, I locked eyes with Malfoy, he looked down at his place, so I dutifully walked over to him and set the dish in front of him, I then turned and walked back to the kitchen. I picked up another starter and walked back into the room again, there was quiet chatter between the guests, it didn't seem like a very friendly affair. The little girl, I assumed to be Richmond Nott's daughter, didn't have a starter so I walked over and placed the dish in front of her, she looked up at me with wide eyes and smiled brightly at me, there were gaps in her mouth where her milk teeth had fallen out, I smiled politely back and walked away.

***

Anya, Rosie, Lily and I all stood at the window, it was snowing lightly and everyone wanted to be out there.

"Everyone go and clear the plates, everyone take plates until everyone is served." Jane said. Once again we all filed out the room and I found myself going to Malfoy again, picking up his plate, he was at the head of the table and to his right was Astoria Greengrass, I took her plate also.

"Draco isn't that Hermione Granger?" I heard her ask as I walked away.

"Yes." Was his only reply.

Malfoy's guests were a hard faced bunch and didn't look the friendliest of sorts. I ended up serving Malfoy and Astoria each meal they had. For our dinner we got the leftovers of theirs, because that's the life we live, we get the leftovers, the things that noone wants anymore.

***

I was lying on my bed, just staring up at the ceiling, just thinking, sometimes I like to just think on my own. To remind myself of the happier times long ago. To reminisce about Hogwarts and to hope for the future. I felt that sensation at my navel, slightly like a port key, but I knew that it was Malfoy calling me to him. I wondered what would happen to a person if they never reached their destination, if I didn't make it to Malfoy. Would I just float around in time forever? Or would I just drop from thin air half way through the Manor. Is it even possible to get lost that kind of way? So many of my questions will never be answered.

I dropped to the floor in Malfoy's room on my feet, I always wondered how that was possible, if I was called to him when I was lying down, was I magically forced to stand on my feet, pushed up right. Or was it a subconscious like when cats fall they land on their feet?

Questions after questions.

He was standing at the window, his back to me, staring out at the snow covered grounds. I was a few paces away from him, next to the bed, he knew I was there, but he chose to ignore me. Maybe it was because he wanted to show me that he was in charge and if he wanted to ignore me he could. Or maybe he was just thinking and didn't want to be interrupted. Or maybe he was just so wrapped up in the beauty of the world that he had forgotten he even called me in the first.

Of course not.

Malfoy's don't think about beauty, or get lost in the wonders of the world. He turned around and faced me, he looked deep in thought, I looked past him and out the window behind him, it was quite dark outside, but the snow gave the world a kind of orange sheen, it was dark, but the snow made it seem lighter. I can't say I know why that is.

He stepped towards me and the sudden movement made me immediately look at him, he caught my wrist and pushed me backwards. My back hit the wall and I knew what was to come, my dignity and pride had slowly been stripped away from me, leaving me bruised and hurt inside, leaving me crying in the darkness. But I did not let my pain show, I glared at him. His hands were on my hips and lifted me up, so I could obediently wrap my legs around his waist, he let go of my hips so that he could undo his trousers, he pushed them down, along with his boxers. I often wondered if he immediately got hard just by looking at me, or whether he only called me to him when he was already aroused.

He pushed into me and it was almost gentle, it wasn't the usual rough and painfulness that came with the rape. His breath on my neck was comforting as he thrust inside of me, it wasn't comfortable, but it was hardly as bad as it had been in the past. His head was in the crook of my neck on the left, my dress had been pushed down, so it was just past my shoulder. My arms were rested on his shoulders, his hands gripped my hips. Not too hard, just right, there wouldn't be bruises in the morning. He raised his head slightly, he breath was coming out in pants on my shoulder. His head lowered again and I felt his lips press against my shoulder, it was a loving kind of gesture, shocking me completely. It was gentle and sweet. So unlike the Malfoy I had come to know. He released inside of me, his lips still pressed against my shoulder.

His lips left my shoulder and he slowly looked up, our faces were mere inches apart and I could feel his hot breath fanning across my face. His eyes were unsure and I realised that I hadn't noticed before just how beautiful they were, a gorgeous silver colour, grey with blue flecks, giving it that silver glow. His hair was messy and his cheeks flushed lightly, in my opinion it looked nicer, instead of the usual paleness I was used to. My arms were still locked behind his neck and he was still inside of me.

His eyes which were locked on mine traveled down my face and locked on my lips, he then looked up again into my eyes. My eyes flickered to his lips.

I don't know why I did it.

But I pressed my lips to his, a moment of lust and desperation to feel maybe? I can only guess. My mind was a blur. One of his hands moved from my left hip and caught in my hair, his hand holding my face to his, his tongue brushed against my bottom lip and my lips parted automatically. His tongue brushed against mine, my left hand was fiddling with the soft hair at the base of his neck, the other was pressed flat against the top of his neck. He moaned into my mouth.

I could feel him harden inside of me.

We both pulled away after a moment of passion, the need to breathe being the main factor of the separation, but it didn't stop, he pressed open mouth kisses along my jaw and down my neck to the tender skin beneath my ear, on my neck. He sucked on the flesh and the moan escaped me before I could even think. I ran both my hands through his hair, massaging his scalp as he sucked on my neck. He moaned lightly.

His hand on my hip, moved and pushed my dress up, his hand now on my stomach, his hands were slightly cold on my warm flesh, making me shiver from his touch. I pulled his head back up to mine and pressed my lips to his again.

Wanting the contact – wanting to feel.

He pushed my dress up I removed my lips from his so I could help to pull off the garment. As soon as it was off I pressed my body against his, our lips pressed together again. He undid my bra expertly at the back and I helped to pull it off. My fingers hurriedly undoing the buttons on his shirt.

The kiss still going on. Our moans filling the room.

He turned us around and walked towards his bed, still interlocked. His hardness inside of me was driving me crazy with lust. We dropped on top the bed, him on top, he pulled off his shirt and kicked off his trousers from around his ankles, and then his boxers. We moved into the middle of the bed and I could feel the knot in the bottom of my stomach tighten as my arousal grew. I moved my hips upwards, wanting to rid myself of the ache, he moaned into my mouth and pushed himself inside of me more, my back arched as he palmed my breasts and I moved my hips up again. I sucked on his neck as me began to thrust into me, I met each of his thrusts.

All rational thoughts had left my mind.

My heels dug into the bottom of his back. I could see that his eyes were clouded with lust. I assumed mine were the same. I moaned, removing my mouth from his neck. He began to suck on my ear lobe, biting lightly. My breath was coming in short gasps and pleasure was spreading through my body as I frantically tried to find my own release. No words were spoken, only unintelligible moans and sounds of pleasure. His hands were stroking my breasts as my own hands were clawing at his back.

He began to hit a spot inside of me that made me scream in pleasure, then the pleasure engulfed me and my eyes rolled back in my head, he was shaking slightly above me, his own release coming. I cried his name as I experienced my first orgasm, I could hear 'Mia' coming from his mouth as my body shook and I didn't care less that I was saying 'Draco'.

The feeling faded and I was gasping for air, as he lay above me, my eyes were closed as the pleasure receded, but the memory was still raw in my mind. He pulled out of me and rolled over, we both lay on our backs, my own eyes were closed, but we lay side by side, our arms touching as our breathing filled the room.

Realisation hit as I began to think rationately about what had just happened

But I couldn't bring myself to regret it.

* * *

**so what do you think of that my dears? :)**

**MylookOfDenial. X  
**


	10. J

_**10. J**_  
I've always been a logical thinker, someone who methodically plans everything. I've always been that person who draws out revision tables long before exams, and long before anyone else. I've always planned ahead, never rushed head first into things. Always thought first and then reacted, never just recklessly done as I pleased.

Things are different now.

For some reason I've stopped thinking logically and I have not planned ahead. I seem to be a completely different person now, someone who recklessly has sex and ignores the consequences. I seem to be a completely different person, maybe it's because I don't _need_ to be logical or plan anymore, there is no world to save now, I'm no longer part of the golden trio, I'm not that girl who planned how to get into the Ministry of Magic to steal the horcrux that Umbridge had. I'm no longer that girl that Harry and Ron needed to be clever, calm and collected. It's no longer a necessity for me to be good and follow the rules.

That girl I once was is long gone. She died when Malfoy took my virginity on that table. Because then there was no need for logic or plans. I knew then what life would be like. I wasn't naïve enough to think that even after the war everything could go back the way it used to be.

I don't have to be logical. Only realistic, like Lily.

If I was still that logical girl I had been, I never would have kissed him, I wouldn't have run head first into the mess I had managed to create.

I still don't regret it.

And I hate myself for that realisation, no cold sense of regret sits heavily on my shoulders. Only nervous butterflies invade my stomach. My heart is hammering in my chest as I wish I was still logical and could plan ahead from this moment. My breath is coming less easily to me as the panic overwhelms me I close my eyes tightly and wish away the lump in my throat.

There is no regret –

Only an overwhelming fear of the future.

Only annoyance at myself for being so wrapped up in the desperation to feel.

Realisation hits me… Realisation that I would do it again in a heartbeat. And my heart beats seem to be filling the room, increasing in volume as it batters away inside me chest. I try to swallow the lump in my throat again and again.

I hate myself for wanting him.

I wonder if it could be that 'Stockholm syndrome' but I'm hardly feeling sympathetic or loyal to him, I just want a fuck again. Because that's what it is, nothing more, it's fucking, making love wouldn't even be possible with someone like Malfoy. Malfoy's don't love. (Is it even possible for a Malfoy to love?) Sex just reminds me of the word rape. But fucking is like animals, just an instinct, nothing more, 'just a quick fuck', it means nothing, doesn't have to be justified, just an instinct, something done for centuries.

The room felt hot before, but it seemed to have cooled, my sweat had dried, I could feel Malfoy's arm next to mine. The goose bumps erupted all over my body and I wondered if he was cold too.

My heart slowly began to stop hammering in my chest and my breathing became under control, I managed to swallow the lump in my throat and I took a deep breath, to try to rid myself of the butterflies. I sat up, not looking at him, I hoped he was asleep, I got up and hurriedly put on my bra and then pulled my dress on. I glanced behind me just as I was about to apparate. He had moved both his arms so that his hands were behind his head, he was watching me.

"Where are you off to?" He asked, his voice was casual, no underlying hint of annoyance, just interest.

"My bed?" I said, but it was more of a question, he shook his head.

"No Mia." He drawled, "You can sleep here tonight." He ordered.

"But I'm not wearing my night clothes." I said clutching at straws, the fear was building.

"Fine, go to your room and change, but come right back." He said, there was nothing I could say, that was his compromise, I bit my lip, but dutifully apparated to my room. I took off my clothes and put on the flimsy white dress. I walked into my small ensuite bathroom and splashed water onto my face, I dried my face, and hurriedly went to apparate. But I caught sight of my reflection in the small mirror, above the sink. I looked the same as I always had at a glance maybe a bit more tired than normal, but at a closer look my eyes seemed so much older, wiser, more knowing, I looked different, I didn't look _good_ anymore, with my hair all messy and crazy curls, I was slimmer. But I looked okay, apart from my flushed cheeks and there was a love bite on my neck. I looked away, not wanting to see who I had become and apparated away.

I wished then that I could get lost in time, before I reached my destination. Before I came face to face with him. Maybe he'd regret it? I wondered, he had started it with the shoulder kissing and gentleness, it wasn't just me, I reasoned with myself, not wanting to feel completely to blame for what had happened.

I did not get lost in time and space sadly, I stood on both feet in his room, with barely a sound. He moved over so that I could have half of the large double bed. I dutifully got in beside him, as far away from him as possible. I turned so that my back was to him and I curled up, trying not to think for what had transpired. I just wanted to forget everything.

I wanted to forget the pain of loss that was embedded deep in my heart. I wanted to forget the lives that had been lost. I wanted to forget the shocked faces of Neville, Lavender and McGonagall. I wanted to forget life as it used to be, then it wouldn't hurt so badly that I was living as I was. If I couldn't remember any different then surely it wouldn't be so bad?

But then again, like my mother always said, 'I want, never gets'. I should just be grateful that I'm alive. But what's there to be grateful about when life seems so bad?

I blinked back the tears and tried not to cry, I did not want to cry with Malfoy lying in the bed beside me. I didn't even want to think about being in the same bed as him. I didn't want to think of that smug smirk that was probably plastered across his pasty face. I wanted to hate him with all my heart, but it's so hard to hate the only reason that you're alive. Without him, I would surely be dead. But then I would still have my virginity, and he would not be playing these games with me, confusing me and making me hate him and then want him.

I lay in that bed for what seemed like ages, but in reality was probably not. I felt dirty and the sweat had dried on my skin, making me feel uncomfortable. I tossed and turned for a while before sitting up in the large bed. He looked up at me, the curtains had not been drawn so I could see him in the moonlight that shone through the window.

"What?" He asked.

"I need to have a shower or something." I said, he snorted lightly, "I feel all sticky." I hissed.

"Fine." He said, I stood up, to apparate to my own room. "You can use my bathroom." He said.

"Fine." I said, standing and walking into the bathroom, the torches and candles were immediately lit around the room. There was a large bath, it was one of those old fashioned ones, with the metal feet. I turned on the warm tap, it was charmed for the water to come out extra fast, I squeezed some of the bubble bath into it. I hurriedly took off my clothes, I had closed and locked the door, but locks are hardly the best kind of protection in the wizarding world.

I closed my eyes as I lent against the side of the bath, I was submerged in the hot water up to just past my shoulders. The bubbles were large and unlike muggle bubble bath did not disappear after a while, they stayed the same. I don't know how long I stayed in the bath, I closed my eyes and drifted off, not to sleep, just to somewhere else, where there were no worries, there was no Malfoy either.

Maybe it was just a part of my imagination, full of nothing, because everything in my life included Draco Malfoy at that time. He was my everything, not because I was infatuated by him, but because my life revolved around his, if he did something my life was affected by it. If he got up later than usual, I would have to tidy his room later than usual. If he wanted a fuck and quick, I would immediately be called.

Belonging to someone, is not something that is easy to grow accustomed to, it's not as simple as just knowing that you are somebody's to do as they please with and just get on with life. Because life isn't the same, once you belong to someone, you stop being classed as a person in the world. Your life hangs on a thread, if they choose that they don't want you, they cut the chord. They can do as they please with you and if you don't do as you're told, you are punished. Your life seems worthless, your whole future hangs in the balance as they decide what they want to do with you. They are your present and your future, if not some of your past. But not always your whole past.

Maybe if you're born into slavery it's easier, because you have never known any different. Or maybe it's worse, never knowing what being free is like. But when life takes an unfamiliar turn and you end up as someone's possession it's a hard idea to get used to. It's a foreign and unsatisfactory kind of realisation knowing that your life is not your own, your future is theirs to chose.

I heard the door open and footsteps on the floor, I did not open my eyes, I did not want to see him, because it could only be _him_, nobody else. I wanted to stay in my thoughts of possession and ownership, even if those thoughts revolved around him. I would rather think of him than_ be_ with him.

The rustling of clothes filled the otherwise silent room and then I felt the water level rise as another body entered the water. The bath was large, room enough for two of course. But I didn't want two people in the bath. But of course I had no choice in the matter, because I no longer belonged to myself. That's what ownership means, you are no longer your own person, you are someone else's pawn to play with, in the great game of life.

My legs were against the left side of the bath, I felt his brush against mine lightly, it wasn't a particularly horrible sensation, I jumped lightly at the feel of the contact. Of course I had heard the noises and felt the water rise, but his body in the bath opposite me had not been real until we had touched.

The water had stayed hot in the bath for all that time, I presumed it was because there was some kind of charm on it to not loose any heat, until it was empty.

"I haven't had a bath in ages." He said conversationally, "I usually have a quick shower in the mornings. Helps to wake me up." He told me. "I always find baths are very relaxing." I felt almost sorry for him she tried to make conversation as we sat opposite each other in the incredibly awkward bathtub. "I always end up thinking too much when I have baths." Like it was a bad thing.

"You don't want to think?" I asked.

"No always, I don't like reflecting on things I've done, or things I will do."

"Because you feel guilty?"

"Not necessarily, I just don't like to dwell on the past."

"I like to think of the past. It's better than now." I said.

"You think about Hogwarts lots?" He asked.

"Yes, I suppose I do, there's not all that much to do really here, we all sit around by the fire and chat and think and dwell on the past."

"All the girls think of the past?" He asked.

"Probably, or the future, I know that some for them do, I'm not very close with everyone." I said.

"Who are you close with?"

"Lily especially, Anya Rosie, Evie too and others." I said, "Not so much Ellie Nancy or Martha." I said.

"Why not those three?" He asked.

"Ellie and Nancy only really talk deeply with one another and Martha's a very distant kind of girl. She stays with Ellie and Nancy too, but those two are closer than Martha is with either of them." I explained.

"She always reminded me of that Luna Lovegood in the year below us." He said, I laughed.

"I see what you mean." I said, his legs brushed against mine again, but I did not jump, they stayed lightly resting against my own legs and I did nothing to stop them. I felt his hand tracing patterns just below my knee, it was relaxing and I let him.

I leant my head back so I was looking upwards, my eyes still firmly closed, the patterns being traced on my legs were relaxing. I didn't want to think about Malfoy and his twisted ways, I just wanted to be.

I began to hum quietly, wanting to fill the silence of the bathroom, it was a muggle song that I had once loved, I remember listening to it over and over again in the summer holidays, it must have been the summer before I started my sixth year at Hogwarts. It was a sad feeling to realise that I did not know the name of the song, and that the words had long ago drifted from my mind. But I hummed the tune regardless.

He pulled me to him and I willingly sat on his lap, my legs either side of his, his legs stretched out as I straddled him. He pressed his lips to mine in a bruising and desperate kiss, which I immediately reacted to, kissing him back. My hands went to the back of his head whilst he caught my hips, pulling my body closer to his, so we were practically chest to chest. My mind was racing as I realised we were doing it again, not thinking, well I was anyway. I had so many questions that I needed answering. It took all my willpower to pull away, so I could look at him properly. His cheeks were lightly flushed again, he frowned at me, wondering I presumed what was happening.

"What are we doing?" I asked, barely above a whisper, our faces were inches apart and my lips were tingling from the kiss.

"What do you mean?" He asked just as quietly.

"This. Kissing and sex and you." I said back, staring into his stormy grey lust filled eyes.

"I don't know." He said, I ran my hands through his hair, he closed his eyes for a few seconds, as if in thought, "Can we please not stop though?" He asked, unsure and desperately trailing his hands up and down my bare and slightly wet back. I pressed my lips to his again, in agreement, he palmed my breasts in the water, my back arched and I moaned into his mouth as we kissed. I realised that I couldn't care less.

Fuck the consequences.

I just wanted to feel and be with him. Where there was no pureblood and mudblood, no master and servant, no owner and owned. Just me and him.

Draco and Hermione.

I moaned lightly as he sucked on my neck, my hands fisted in his hair as he bit and began to suck on my earlobe, my back was arched as his hands pressed against my breasts. I moved forwards, using my hands in his hair to pull him away, he pressed his lips to mine, he bit lightly on m lower lip and then began to suck on the flesh. I ground myself into him, wanting to feel again. He groaned and bit my lip, the pain and the pleasure mixed together.

"I need you." He gasped, "I need to be inside of you." He said against my swollen lips, he put his hands on my hips and I lifted up slightly, I looked down, through the soapy water I could see him.

I gently lowered myself down on top of him, but only slightly, he was brushing against my entrance, he groaned in anticipation, pushing me down so he could embedded himself further and further inside of me. I felt full with him inside of me, I rolled my hips lightly, he gasped, his eyes rolling back in his head, his head made a cracking nose as it fell back on the porcelain tub. "Fuck." He hissed in pain, I giggled lightly, he looked up at me, I moved up and down on him, he groaned again, but rubbed the back of his head, I laughed again. His hands dug into my hips as I quickened my pace, I leant forwards so our cheeks were pressed together, my hands were on either side of his head, holding onto the ended of the bathtub. My left hand caught in his hair, holding him to me. The water was slopping everywhere as we moved. I felt my climax coming, I heard his sounds of pleasure become even more so.

"Hermione." He whispered so quietly I might not have heard, but my ear was right next to his mouth. I screamed his name as I came.

My head pressed into the crook of his neck, I felt his breath on my bare shoulder, then his lips. It brought me back to reality, remembering what had started it all and what we were doing. I pulled away and then stood up, getting out the bath and wrapping the large towel around me. My fingers had gone all wrinkly, because I had been in the water so long, I always hated it when that happened. I heard Draco get out and he walked over to me and He just kind of stared at me for a few seconds frowning. As if thinking. It was funny that I wasn't embarrassed by his nakedness, it was a funny thing to realise that I was just used to it.

I was used to him; – what a terrible conclusion to come to.

The water was dripping off him and I realised that he didn't have a towel. I was using the only one, I began to dry myself off with it. I didn't say anything, I just handed it to him. Again it was funny that I wasn't bothered by _my own_ nakedness. He slowly put out his hand and took the towel, I picked up my nightie and pulled it on. He was drying himself with the towel that I had used, his eyes on me. I walked over to the hand towel that was on a hook by the sink and leant forwards, rubbing my hair with it, trying to dry it. I put it back on the hook once I was sure that my hair was dry enough. My hair hung damp and limp around my shoulders. I glanced at Draco, he had pulled on his boxers, leaving the rest of his clothes on the floor, knowing that someone would tidy them up in the morning.

_I_ would tidy them up in the morning.

I followed him into his room, not really knowing what to do, I knew it was late because it was pitch black outside and I had spent a good few hours with him. I glanced at the clock on his bedside table, it read 2.15. – Time flies. – He pulled the covers back and got in, his eyes on me all the time, he glanced at the other side of the bed, motioning to me. I obediently got in, because obedience is easy. Doing as you're told is simple and perfect, it's what you need sometimes.

He murmured something quietly and the lights all went out in the room, the darkness was comforting. I was used to darkness, it was simple and not confusing, darkness came and darkness went, maybe not always for the same amount of time, but it always came.

I lay there for so long, thinking, mulling over what had happened. I was desperate to get to his diary and read it, desperate to know what he thought. I was reliant on the words he wrote, so really I was reliant on him, in most aspects of life.

I lay on my back staring above me, so was Draco. I felt something warm brush my hand under the covers. I realised it was his hand. I don't know why I did it, but I interlocked his fingers with mine, I closed my eyes lightly, wanting sleep to come. It may have just been my imagination but I swear that before sleep took me he squeezed my hand.

* * *

**Enjoy. :)**


	11. K

_**11.K**_  
_It hurts and it hurts, it never ceases, the constant pain that I feel day in and day out. The release of numbness does not take me, like I so desperately want it to. Like the pulse behind a bruise, you can forget about it, or become used to it, not that it leaves, simply that you are used to it. Then it comes back and you remember, one tiny thing happens and it comes back with even more force. I just want to be free from this world I am stuck in, I don't want to die, I simply want it all to stop._

_I sound like a fucking sissy girl, but I am so sick of this life. Kissing the Dark Lord's arse whenever I get the chance, living the life that my father set out for me. _

_Why is it that whenever I'm with Granger things seem better, and why in my mind do I think of her as Hermione or Mia? What the fuck is wrong with me? I hate what she does to me, but I crave it like no other. _

_Before; when I was just fucking her it wasn't so bad, but now since she's actually been reacting to it, she's turned my whole fucking world upside down. I shouldn't care about her like I do, I've been over this a fuckload of times, but I can't work out why I care for a common mudblood like Hermione Granger. The thing is though, she's not any old mudblood, she isn't common either. She is Hermione. She is pure and good. Well _was_ anyway. God I sound like a right fucking idiot. I'm pathetic. I have guests that I should be seeing to instead of thinking about her._

_I can't get her and her prefect body out my mind. I look at another woman and I all I want is Hermione, I want to hear her moans in my ear. I like it when she cries out my name, not in anger or resentment but in passion. I like the fact that it was she that kissed me, I mean I did kiss her shoulder and start it, but she kissed me. _

_Every time I think about it, I get hard again, it's quite sad actually. Then in the bath, fuck me, I've had sex in lots of places with lots of different women, all sexy and practically radiating sex appeal. But fuck me, Hermione Granger in that bathtub, I don't think it gets any better. I shouldn't be thinking about her but I am. And I can't fucking help myself. This is pointless, I'm just going round in circles, because I like her. I want her. I seem to fucking need her. Is that wrong? I shouldn't be dependant on anyone but myself. Like it's always been. _

_Malfoy men don't need anyone. _

_Fuck this, I'm off._

I frowned as I finished reading his journal. I had hoped it would give me more insight into his mind, of course the whole not wanting to be with Voldemort anymore was interesting. But I wanted to know more of what he thought of me. I knew he cared already and that he wanted sex. But I wanted deeper. Maybe he doesn't do deeper? I wanted to know more.

I decided to walk back from Draco's room, (I hated myself for thinking of him as Draco and not Malfoy, because I should, I should hate him with all my soul, but I don't, and I hate myself for it.) As I needed to clear my head and apparating didn't really help. I had come to know the corridors of the Malfoy manor in the few months that I had been there, it was a humongous house, more of a mansion or Manor though, not just a house.

I walked down the corridor, and set eyes on the little girl who was walking along, her fingers trailing against the wall.

"What are you doing out here?" I asked the little girl, she turned around hearing my voice and smiled happily.

"Hello." She said, I couldn't help but smile back at her young and innocent face.

"Do mummy and daddy know you're out here?" I asked the small child.

"They're shouting, I don't like shouting, so I came for a walk."

"They might be worried about you sweetie." I said walking towards her and being down in front of her.

"They'll shout for a long time, before they realise." She sighed. "They always shout and say I have to stay in my room. But it's boring, boring, boring!" She cried, I giggled at how adorable she was she giggled back and caught some of my curly hair in her hands, running her fingers through it. "Curly curly!" She cried.

"You're a little cutie pie aren't you?" I said smiling at her as she played with my hair.

"Yep." She said and grinned at me, she had dark wavy brown hair and bright blue eyes, her face was covered in light freckles and she had a cute little button nose.

"Come on, mummy and daddy will be looking for you." I said untangling her hands from my hair and standing up, offering my hand to her.

"Okay." She said reaching up both hands, for me to pick her up, ignoring the hand I offered, I sighed and picked her up.

"What's your name then?" I asked.

"Annabella! But you can call me Annie, everyone else does." She told me.

"That's pretty." I replied.

"What's your name?"

"Hermione, but call me Mia." I told her, she nodded.

"Hello Mia." She said and grinned.

"Hey." I replied.

"Are you a maid, you gave me my food?" She asked.

"I suppose so." I said.

"The maids at home aren't very nice, will you be my maid?"

"I'm already a maid here though." I replied.

"Maybe Draco will give you to me, he gave me a horse last year!" She said excitedly.

"Really, what's it called?" I asked.

"Dream." She said.

"That's sweet, is it a he or she?"

"A she, and she is very pretty."

"Wow." I coed, we had reached the door to the room her parents were staying in, I could hear them yelling loudly. I paused, I really did not want to enter the argument, the yelling was incredibly loud and I understood why she had left.

"I don't want to go in." She said.

"Me neither Annie." I said.

"Let's go see Draco." She grinned at me.

"I don't know." I said, not really wanting to see him.

"Please, I don't like any others of Uncle Theo's friends. Or daddy's, Draco is really nice isn't he?!" She asked.

"Yes." I said unsure.

"Come on then. Please!" She cried.

"Okay then." I couldn't say not o her big blue eyes.

"Where will he be?" She asked.

"His room, it's still early." I said.

"Will he be asleep?"

"No, he will have got up a while ago."

"How do you know?" She asked in awe of my knowledge.

"Because I'm meant to clean his room now, he'll go for breakfast in a bit, I'll clean his room and then when he gets back from breakfast his room will be all tidy."

"Okay." She said, I stopped in front of his door and looked at the little girl, she smiled happily and I knocked.

"What?" He asked, I pushed the door open, he frowned as he saw me, he was wearing his boxers and that was it. "What are you doing with Annabella?" He asked me.

"Annie asked to come see you, her parents were arguing and she was in the hall on her own. So I took her back to her parents and I didn't really want to interrupt their argument. So she asked to see you." I explained quickly.

"Hi Draco!" Annie cried into my ear, slinging tight around my neck.

"Hello Annabella." He said, I loosened my hold on the little girl and tried to put her down, she only gripped tighter.

"I wanna stay." She said. "Please please please Mia." I smiled at her and carried on holding her. "Draco?" She asked.

"Yes?" He asked.

"Can I have Mia for my birthday, I don't like my maids!?" She cried.

"But she's my maid." He said, "I'll give you another maid?"

"No, I want Mia!" She called.

"I'll give you another pony?" She shook her head stubbornly, Draco beckoned me inside and I stepped in, closing the door behind me.

"No Draco." She said angrily.

"Well, we'll see, your birthday's not for a while yet." He compromised.

"Yay!" She grinned hugging me tighter, I smiled at her. "Doesn't she have pretty hair Draco?" She asked, as she played with it.

"Yes I suppose." He said.

"Come feel it, it's really soft." She cooed.

"I already have, it's very soft." He appeased the little girl. "Now, come on, I'll take you to see mummy and daddy, they'll stop arguing for me." He said, I handed the little girl to him. "Wait here for me." He told me, his eyes meeting mine.

I frantically tidied, putting away the clothes, making the bead. Pulling back the heavy curtains. Tidying the desk. When I was done I stared out the window, wanting to be outside. The snow was slowly melting, I only wished I could be out there. The door opened and I turned around, he smirked at me.

"Come on, we have a visitor." He told me and turned on his heel, I followed him, we took the same route as we had before, down the stairs along the corridor, down the stairs, through the door, down the stairs and then we stopped in front of the same door as always. The spell was murmured and the door was opened. He pushed me forwards

I stepped inside the room and looked at the man hanging from a rope in front of me, against the opposite wall. His hands were tied above his head, his toes just brushing the floor, but not enough for any comfort. His head was hanging down, he was looking at the floor, his hair seemed to have once been blonde, but it was grimy and seemed to have gone unwashed for far too long. His feet were bare and grubby, he was wearing tattered Hogwarts robes, the proud Gryffindor emblem was dirty and ripped in places, his golden tie was long gone. His arms were bloodied as were the other parts of his body I could see. The man slowly raised their face and looked up at me, I took in the sad face of Colin Creevy, his blue eyes were dull and full of pain, his face was bloodied and scarred. He looked practically dead, the dark bags under his sunken eyes and his shallow cheeks making him look corpse like. He slowly blinked and frowned, parting his lips as if to speak.

My eyes were wide as I took in the sorry excuse of the once joyful Colin Creevy, _Harry's biggest fan_, he closed his lips, as if speaking was too much. I took a step back, bumping into Draco's front, I whirled around, trying to push him away to get the door. I didn't want it again; I didn't want to hurt the poor man anymore.

He smirked down at me. I shook my head, trying to pull my wrists from his tight grip. He pushed me backwards hard and let go of my wrists, I tripped backwards and fell to the floor, landing heavily on my bum. I gasped he had slapped me and crucioed me, but he had never pushed me around. There was a malicious glint in his eyes that I hadn't seen before.

"Say hello to Colin Mia." He said to me as he leant against the door frame. I pulled myself from the floor.

"Please no, I'm sure he's had enough torture." I told him, I desperately wanted the other Draco Malfoy I knew back, the one who kissed my shoulder almost tenderly and looked at me with lust in his eyes, not this dark kind of fury, mixed with unimaginable amounts of hate.

I knew he regretted it: This was his payback.

"No, you're going to help me get some important information out of Colin here."

I shook my head, "I will do no such thing." I told him.

"You have no fucking choice, you're mine." What was there to say to such a statement?

Because I was and there was nothing in the world that could change that.

Even if I was somehow freed, I would always belong to Draco Malfoy, as sure as the brand would stay on my left palm.

"Please." I whispered, he laughed, it was cold and horrible.

I didn't want to know what was to come.

He stepped towards me, I stood my ground, like the stubborn young woman I was.

"Undo my belt." He told me.

"No." I said.

"Last chance, Granger, undo my belt." He meant business then, using my last name like that.

"I said no." I told him, his palm connected with my cheek, the force caused my head to spin to the side, it stung and the tears prickled at my eyes.

"Undo my belt." I did. "Take it off." I did, pulling it from the loops, he took it from my hands.

It was a black leather belt that he whipped me with. It had a gold buckle and when it moved through the air and connected with my skin it made a sickening noise. It wasn't a thick belt and but neither was it cheap, it was expensive leather.

He told me to turn around and hold my dress up, and then he smacked it across my lower back. There was no protection from my dress there – not that it would have been much protection.

I stopped blinking back the tears after a while and let them trail down my cheeks as the pain and hate engulfed my very being. I don't think that I ever endured so much pain, crucio was bad, but the leather belt smacking into the tender flesh that had already been hit before was an extreme kind of pain I had never felt before.

"Want me to stop Creevy?" He asked after a while.

"No Colin." I said.

"Oh you like the pain do you?" Malfoy asked me.

"I would rather have the pain than have you knowing things you shouldn't." It hurt so much it was hard to think, the smack of the belt was a rhythm inside my head.

Smack. Smack. Smack.

Pain. Pain. Pain.

So.

Much.

Pain.

Smack. Smack. Smack.

Pain. Pain. Pain.

So.

Much.

Pain.

Smack. Like some kind of twisted refrain.

"I know how to make you scream." He said, he stopped hitting my back and stepped forwards until his front was pressed to my back. My hands were pressed against the wall, supporting my aching body. I could feel his breath on my ear, I shivered, not liking the closeness. "I can make you scream in pleasure." He murmured into my ear, his breath coming faster.

"I won't be making that mistake again _you bastard_." I told him, proud to say that my voice did not shake.

"Bitch." He said and turned my body around so that my tender back hit the wall. "Oh have you been crying baby?" He asked sarcastically, wiping the salty tear tracks from my cheeks.

He undid his trousers – dropping the gold buckled, expensive, thin leather belt, to the floor

His body pressed against mine, I heard Colin's gasp as Malfoy pushed his trousers down and entered me. I didn't wrap my legs around his waist, or put my hands on his shoulders, I let my head fall back, the dull thwack resounding around the room. My hands were limps at my sides as his hands dug unnecessarily hard into my sides. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see his hateful expression. It hurt, the friction inside my body was unpleasant and uncomfortable.

"You're disgusting" Colin said, his voice was hoarse and seemed unused for a long time.

"I know, a right dirty whore isn't she." Malfoy said.

"You know what I mean Malfoy." He hissed angrily.

"I can stop Creevy, if you tell me any information you know." Colin said nothing, Malfoy released inside of me with a satisfied sigh. I bit my lip hard, to stop myself screaming at him, about how much I hated him and he was a two faced fucker.

My back hurt and I whimpered lightly as he pulled out, and shoved my hard back against the wall, my back smashing into the wall. I heard him taking footsteps away from me, my eyes were screwed shut, hoping to block it all out, praying it was over, however selfish it was, because when my torture was over Colin would die, of course his torture would end, but death is hardly what anyone wants.

"Crucio."

I had hoped it was over.

I was stupid and naïve to think such a thing of Draco Malfoy. My own self loathing was suffocating me as I slid down the wall, landing on my bum, it hurt my back, but I couldn't bring myself to care as I felt like I was being torn apart from the inside out. My bones felt like they were breaking and my skin was burning, fiery and horrible, there was sharpness inside of me, which seemed to cut at me from the inside.

I knew that too much crucio sends you crazy, like Neville's parents. I had endured so much crucio, I wondered if I was becoming used to it, maybe eventually I might become immune?

Is it even possible to become desensitized to crucio?

But then that would just be too easy, dark magic hardly works like that. All the crucio's I had suffered from Malfoy were equally painful, Voldemort's was bad too, both equally painful.

You have to really mean it when you crucio someone, or use any unforgivable. I never thought I would have so much hate inside of me, but as Draco Malfoy tortured me I knew I could have enough hate to perform such magic on him.

I shuddered lightly as the crucio stopped, my muscles ached from the tensing, it was almost like when you get cramp and there is nothing you can do to ease the pain, you just have to wait it out, but crucio was a million times more painful and a far different kind of pain. I would gladly welcome a bit of cramp, if it meant no more crucio.

"Anything to say Creevy?"

No answer:

More crucio.

I didn't resent Colin for not saying anything, for not stopping my torture. I didn't want him to tell Malfoy all the secrets of the Order. I was proud of him for not caving as I suffered. I knew that Malfoy wouldn't push me so far that I could die or be ill for weeks, because he needed me. I was his favourite. His prized possession, because he had Hermione Granger, Harry Potter's best friend, and he could do as he pleased with me, but never kill me.

It hurt and hurt, a never ending torrent of pain that I endured. As always, enduring pain after pain, crucio after crucio.

I felt the sharp pain as my lip split where I was biting it. I felt the warm feel of the blood trickling down my chin. Steadily moving down my chin. The tears were falling down my cheeks, my eyes were still squeezed shut.

I shook slightly, it was ripping me apart, he had never done it so long before, it always stopped after a bit, but this seemed to go on forever. I was practically panting, trying to breathe through the ache.

It stopped. I gasped. The blood trickled. The tears fell.

The question was asked again. It was unanswered again.

It hurt. I sobbed. Blood trickled from my nose. The tears mixed with the blood.

My eyes squeezed shut. My breath coming slower.

Blackness slowly surrounding me. Sadistic laughter.

It stopped. The question was asked. Unanswered. Unimaginable pain.

Blackness engulfed me. No more feeling. Just the dull ache. Pain receding. No more laughter. No more questions. Nothing.

Was I dead?

* * *

**Did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?**

Train - Drops of Jupiter


	12. L

_**12.L**_  
The darkness all around me was terrifying and I kept getting flashes of Colin's face, his terrified and pained face. My back was a dull ache in the back of my mind. There was softness all around me, but it did not ease the pain. I could feel the self hatred bubbling away inside of me, hating myself for thinking that he'd changed, that he wouldn't hurt me again.

Stupid.

Foolish.

Callow.

Naïve.

Silly little Hermione Granger wanting things to be different and pleasant. Thinking that the torturer and captor could be nice, could be good.

_All I could see was Colin's face_.

I could hear soft voices in the background, but muffled, not quite there but still there, in a way – I could hear the voices but I couldn't interpret the words, the voices grew louder and angrier, I knew it was his voice, I could recognise it anywhere, his angry tones filled my head. The nervous voice of a woman tried to calm him.

Most people conversing with him were nervous…

Hopeless: Nobody calms Draco Malfoy – it just isn't possible.

His voice filled my head and banged away inside of me, his face instead of Colin's flashed before my eyes, his lust filled eyes and face looming over me, his hair a mess on top of his head. Then it changed and his angry face glared at me, yelling and shouting. I felt the terror building in my chest and tried to get away from his unyielding livid grey eyes.

I gasped myself into reality. I opened my eyes. I did not want to see the world that I was in, I wanted to keep my eyes closed forever if it meant no more Malfoy.

But you don't always get what you want.

The world around me was not what I wanted, I was in Malfoy's bed, the green silk sheets were a dead give away. The scent of his aftershave on the sheets another. I did not move, only stared blankly above myself, wishing myself away.

Far, far away.

"She's awake." The woman said, I recognised the voice as Jane, a face loomed above my own, the platinum blonde hair told me it was Draco Malfoy himself, Just like before his face was there looming above me, scaring me, but there was no lust and no anger, just a slight hint of worry and uncertainty.

"Leave Jane." He said, in fact he ordered, he did not just _say_ he _ordered_ her to leave.

"Yes master." She said and her hurried footsteps were heard until the door slammed shut and then I heard no more. His face still loomed above me, so I closed my eyes and rolled over, my back to him, I didn't want to see his face, I didn't want to be reminded of the pain and humiliation.

"Creevy's dead." He told me.

"Fuck you." I replied, he laughed, I felt the sheets being moved and the mattress sunk lightly as his body joined mine under the covers.

"Don't be like that Granger." He said, pulling on my arm, turning me round, he lay facing me, I tried to pull away to turn my back to him, but he held me firmly.

"I hate you." I whispered, he smirked.

"That's not what you were saying in the bath." He said.

"Everyone makes mistakes." I told him and smirked as he glared at me.

"I thought you were meant to learn from your mistakes, you made the same mistake twice."

"At least I know now though." I told him.

"Next time Granger, I will just leave you to die on a dungeon floor then if you're going to be so nasty." He said it in a mocking way and I hated him for it.

"You're always nasty. And I don't care." I told him.

"You want to die, maybe I'll leave you to jump out the window next time. Or shall I push you?" He asked.

"Fuck you Malfoy." I said.

"Oh but I thought you were calling me Draco now?" He asked.

"Oh but don't you think of me as Hermione or Mia?" I answered with a question, he frowned. I knew what I said was true, I read it in his little girly diary.

"Of course not." I smirked at him.

"Liar liar." I murmured.

"Shut up." He hissed leaning towards me, I smirked, his hand brushed along the inside of my thigh, slowly moving upwards, I stiffened immediately, hating my body for reacting to his touch. "You want me."

"Never." I said, he kept tracing patterns on my thigh, moving upwards slowly.

"Liar." He murmured as he felt the wetness between my legs, he rolled us over so he was on top, his weight pressing down on me, his fingers rubbing the sensitive spot between my legs. I closed my eyes tight, wishing we weren't playing this game, I hated it. He rubbed harder and I bit my lip, my eyes still squeezed shut as my hips bucked of their own accord. He stopped, resting his fingers still lightly there, his lips pressed against mine, and then kissed down my neck sucking softly on the tender flesh, I stopped biting my lip and my lips parted, the breathy sigh escaping my lips as he pulled the night dress I was wearing, off.

My hands unclenched from the fists that they had been in at my sides and shot to his silky hair. His hands travelled across my naked body as he sucked on my neck. I pulled his face up to mine, damning the consequences, and pressed my lips to his, he kissed me back passionately, our tongues dancing together.

I fumbled desperately with the buttons on his shirt as he massaged my breasts. I pulled his shirt from his broad shoulders and threw it off the bed he took my nipple into his mouth sucking on it, circling his tongues around the peak as he pinched my other nipple between his fingers. I undid his belt and his trousers, pushing them down his hips, he kicked them off then I pushed his boxers down his legs, desperate to have him inside of me.

A moan escaped my lips as his finger began to circle my clit again. Slowly at first, then gradually faster. I pushed my hands into his hair and pulled his face up to mine, his lips met mine and we kissed, my back arched as he brought me close to my release with his fingers. He kissed down my chest, sucking and licking and teasing as he went further down.

I felt his breath on me. My hips bucked manically, desperate for release. He held my hips down with both hands, my eyes rolled back in my head as I felt his soft tongue on my clit. I moaned and my back arched at the feeling, he began to suck on it as he entered two fingers inside of me, he pumped his fingers as he gently bit down on my clit, I moaned loudly, wanting more. Desperate for more. His fingers pumped harder as he sucked on me, I felt my release coming and shuddered as he sucked harder, before I felt the orgasm overtake me. I closed my eyes tight letting the feeling wash over me. I felt his tongue on me, licking up all the moisture from between my legs.

I could sense him above me and opened my eyes, looking up at him. The lust in his eyes made me want him more. I felt him brush against my entrance, we moaned together. He pressed his lips to mine gently and I gladly kissed him back, my hands in his hair, his hands exploring my chest. I bent my knees upwards, brushing myself against him again, I pushed my hips upwards, wanting him inside of me. He pushed into me, he moaned, kissing me hungrily, he pulled out of me and then pushed in again, my hips moved in sync with his, causing delicious sensations to tingle through my body.

He sucked on my lower lip as my nails scratched his back, desperately clinging to his lean body. He pulled away from my lower lip and stared down at me through half lidded eyes, I didn't doubt that mine were the same. I pulled his face to mine and pressed open mouth kisses all across his face, wanting to be close to him. I felt my climax coming and I could tell he was nearing his own release. My muscles contracted and I felt my orgasm hit me, I felt him release inside of me and all I knew was pleasure. He collapsed on top of me and I relished in his weight on top, I hated the fact I felt complete with him inside of me and near me.

He pulled out after a few minutes and rolled over, our heavy breathing filled the large room. The silence pressed in around me, the darkness al around was heavy and I felt uncomfortable in his grand bed. I went to leave but he caught my wrist pulling me back down, "Stay." He ordered and I lay back down. "Mistake number three." He murmured harshly to the silent room, before chuckling. I felt the anger burning away inside of me, I bit my lip to stop myself from hitting him. I ignored him, trying to be the better person.

His breathing became steady and I let the tears fall as I lay in the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, I let the sobs come, I stood and looked around for my nightdress, I found it and pulled it on. I walked over to the window and sat on the ledge, staring out into a world I was not allowed into, the tears fell steadily as I sobbed, the side of my head pressed to the glass. I tried not to be too loud. I didn't want to wake him.

I had wrapped my arms tightly around my legs, I pressed my head into my knees, trying to muffle my hopeless sobs. I wanted to go home to my mother and father who loved me, I wanted to be a child again, before I knew of Hogwarts and pureblood hate, and this pain.

I wished I hadn't ever been friends with Harry or Ron, maybe then Malfoy wouldn't be so horrible, maybe then he wouldn't make me feel like I needed him, I wouldn't so dependant on him.

Because I was.

I needed Draco Malfoy like the air I breathed, I needed him to place sweet kisses on my body and make me feel pleasure I did not know existed, I needed him to play his sick and twisted games with me, to keep me on my toes, I needed the pain to keep me alive. The pain reminded me not to fall for him, not to care too much about him, the pain he made me feel kept me awake, the pleasure made me want him and the pain made me hate him. He kept me alive in this world of slavery, pleasure and pain.

I hated him for the power he had over me, but I loved him for the things he did to me, the things he made me feel, I hated that he made me want him. I hated that he used me to hurt people, he hurt me in front of my friends, the people I went to school with, the people I once knew and loved and cherished. You don't get to cherish anyone when you're Draco Malfoy's play thing, it just doesn't work like that. I am his and he can do as he pleases with me, I am tied to him with powerful magic. I have his brand on my hand, to remind me that I will always be his, wherever, whatever. No matter what I will belong to him until the day I die.

The tears fell steadily all through that night, I was cold, but I ignored the goose bumps, I was tired and I should have slept but I didn't want to dream, because the dreams were always of my past, of things I didn't want to think of. I didn't really want to stay awake either, I felt dirty and running through my mind was every move I had ever made in the game that Malfoy had set me up in because there was no doubt in my mind that this was a game to him; lulling me into a sense of false security, breaking me and fixing me. Saying he wanted me then hurting me, giving my pleasure and then pain. Making me want him and then hate him, teasing me with his words and his hands. Using me to fulfill his own desires and to get what he wanted.

He was making me into a person that I did not know. That I should never be. I didn't want to know myself, I was so easily manipulated with his gentle touches and delicious kisses. I was his and he was flaunting in my face that he could make me do what he wanted. He could use me as he pleased and then leave me.

Use me.

Leave me.

Hate me.

Break me.

Make me. Into a person I did not know.

The sun was beginning to come up before I tore myself away from the window and lay under the covers, beside him. I didn't care that he wouldn't have wanted me to put on the nightie. I wanted to defy him and anger him, I wanted to make him hurt me, I didn't want him to make me feel pleasure. I didn't want to be part of his twisted game.

_I stood horrified, stuck in place, not even capable of moving as Voldemort stood before us, his Death Eaters had their wands trained on us and others on Hagrid as he held Harry's lifeless body close to him. Harry was pale and his hair was a mess, like it always was. The cold sense of fear enveloped me as I tried to reason with myself that Harry couldn't be dead, he had to live, to save us, it just couldn't be, he was, The__Boy Who Lived, not, The Boy Who Died, it just couldn't be. The denial was calming, but I knew that the small voice in my head that was reasoning with myself that it was true, was indeed correct. _

_We were all shocked and terrified and scared we had known there was a chance we would loose, but we tried not to think of it, tried not to believe it could happen. Harry Ron and I had destroyed the Horcuxes and meticulously planned and planned, but all for nothing. _

_Because Harry was dead._

_That was it, the end._

_No happily ever after. All for nothing. All for nothing. Nothing. Nothing. _

_Fucking nothing. _

_My heart broke in my chest as I saw his lifeless body in Hagrid's arms. Time seemed to stand still. _

_There was no sound in the strange part of my memories that I was visiting, but Voldemort's lips moved and I knew he was telling us Harry had tried to run away and was slaughtered, we didn't believe him, I knew Harry would never have done that. It was his Hero complex; he would have gone after Voldemort, given himself up, in the hopes of saving us. _

_I knew I was screaming and crying that it couldn't be true, Ginny and Ron's voices would have been with me, if I could have heard. More people flocked outside, the survivors, to see if it was true, if it could be. Nagini slithered from Voldemort's shoulders across the ground towards us, Neville stepped forwards, I watched as he wielded the great sword of Gryffindor and cut off the beasts head. _

_The last horcrux was gone. _

_Harry was dead and it was over, our mission was complete, now Harry could try kill Voldemort. Too fucking late. Noone knew but Ron and myself and once upon a time Harry had too. It was over, all over, everything was over now, no more Hogwarts, no more happiness, just Death Eaters and Voldemort trying to rid the world of muggles and muggleborns. It was like Hitler all over again. _

_A fight broke out and curses were thrown, but we knew we had lost, I saw two jets of green light hit Hagrid's great body, Bellatrix and Lucius Malfoy's killing curses had enough force behind them to kill the half giant. Harry's body rolled lifelessly to the side. Face down in the dirt. Ron and Neville ran forwards as I felt Ginny take my hand. Neville and Ron caught hold of Harry and apperated away with his dead body, at the same time Ginny and I apperated away to our agreed meeting spot. _

_We all knew there was a chance we would loose, so we agreed remote places across Britain for us to apparate to, in case we lost. I don't know what happened to the others, but some must have got away. _

I sat up gasping for air, the cold sweat on my skin made me shiver as the memory of that night overcame me. The tears fell down my cheeks and I glanced at the bed beside me. No Malfoy. Thank fucking God.

I looked at the clock on the wall and saw that it was 12. 15. I hurriedly stood and made the bed carefully. I tidied the bedroom and the bathroom hurriedly. Before I apparated to my room.

I pulled off the nightdress and turned on the shower, I turned it on so it was freezing cold, I stepped under the torrent of water, letting the cold of the water wake me up, it stung my skin and my flesh was freezing, but it stopped me thinking. All I could think of was the cold water, no more Malfoy or memories, just coldness that burnt my skin. It was a quick shower. Uncomfortable, but it did the job, I was no longer thinking about anything.

I dried myself off and stared at my face in the mirror. I looked away, I used the towel to dry my hair slightly, before pulling it into a messy bun. I stepped into my room and pulled the plain white bra, set out on my bed for me, on. Then the forest green dress.

"There you are Mia!" Lily cried rushing to me, I smiled at her as she pulled me into a hug. "You weren't in your room and I heard what that sick fucker did to you from Jane, I'm so glad you're okay." She cried.

"I'm fine don't worry, it doesn't really hurt."

"Jane said you woke up yesterday evening, why didn't you come back then?"

"Malfoy wanted me to stay." I murmured, her eyes widened.

"I hate him so much. Doing that to you in your state, he had only just tortured you, then he had to fucking rape you!" She cried, luckily we were alone in the kitchen, the tears filled my eyes.

"I did it again." I said sadly, to meeting her eyes.

"Mia." She sighed.

"I didn't want the pain, I wanted to forget." I murmured. "I'm so sorry." I whispered.

"I don't want your apologies, I don't need them. Don't justify yourself to me Mia, I think it's yourself that needs convincing this is okay. Not me. You're the one willingly fucking Malfoy. I don't need you to say sorry. Don't make up excuses to me Mia. I don't need your shit." She said angrily and then turned on her heel and left me standing in the entrance of the large kitchen. The silence and emptiness of the room made me feel incredibly lonely. I angrily brushed the tears away and wished I was stronger.

Better.

Braver.

Not who I had become.

* * *

**What do you think? **


	13. M

_**13.M**_  
There's only so many times a person can be broken and fixed repeatedly until they just don't fit back together again. The pieces over time gradually grow smaller and smaller until it's impossible to match the tiny pieces up, some are missing, lost along the hard and desolate way. There are only so many times a human being can be broken down gradually until they just can't do it anymore. Like erosion, gradually the rocks get smaller and smaller as the violent winds smash into them, gradually disintegrating, parts falling off and becoming sand underfoot. Slowly the rocks in the desert get smaller and smaller, until there's nothing left.

When will there be nothing left of who I used to be?

I'm breaking apart, slowly falling to pieces, and so very alone, gradually becoming less and less the person I once was. I try to be strong and there is still some of me left, some of the feisty young woman I once was. Not the fool I have become, I despise the person I have become.

I was once inclined to quite laughter, but sir, laughter is bitter to the burned mouth. I used to have a light heart, but sir, the light hearts from before the war have turned to stone. There used to be laughter and chatter, but sir, when the spells smashed the tranquil lake at Hogwarts, there was only time to scream.

_There is an echo yet of their speech which was like a song._

_It was reported that their singing resembled the flights of moths in moonlight_

_Who can say? It is silent now. _

– _What Were They Like? by Denise Levertov _

I used to believe in good in everything, I believed that even in evil there was still a tiny glow worm of tenderness encapsulated in icy caverns of a cruel heart. But now I realise that we should despair, for in the very germ of that kindred love is lodged the perpetuity of evil. There is evil in everything, however small it may be and however pure and good we once thought it was. There is evil in everything. But the true question is, whether we choose to see this evil or not. Good and evil is not separated, it is linked and forever will be, because good cannot exist without evil and evil cannot exist without good. What a painful and heartbreaking conclusion that is.

_In the __greyness__ and drizzle of one despondent dawn,_

_Unstirred by harbingers of sunbreak,_

_A vulture perching high on broken bone of a dead tree._

– _Vultures by Chinua Achebe. _

In this world that we live in there is no equal say in anything, there is always someone more powerful and with more influence. It is a mockery that we say we live in a democracy, whatever happens society is fragmented, it is not correct, it is mixed up and messed up.

There are no equal rights, or equal say, only power and who has the most. The wizarding world and the muggle world are the same in that respect. We see the superficial similarity's in life, how some of the rich and the poor may both have long hair and sunglasses, they may be the same age and height, but they are not the same, because one has power and is rich whilst the other is nothing, a nobody, their life will never amount to anything, because they were born into a mockery of a society.

_And the red light for an instant _

_holding all four close together _

_as if anything at all were possible _

_between them, _

_across that small gulf _

_in the high seas _

_of this democracy_

– _Two Scavengers by Lawrence Ferlinghetti _

Equal rights my fucking arse.

No matter what happens the powerful and the poor will always be separated, maybe it won't be visible, there will be no glass wall visibly blocking the way, but there will be a barrier. It was like that long before the war, a muggleborn may be clever and know things that purebloods don't, but they won't get anywhere in life, because we're inferior to them, we are not of magical blood, somehow, we managed to have magic, we are freaks of nature, anomalies, accidents, like squibs, we are the equivalent of squibs in the muggle world. No one voices it, no one says it but we know, the hot white inwards turning anger of my eyes knows. No sign says it, no one shouts it, no one tells us, but we know where they think we belong.

My hands burn sometimes, for a bomb, a nuclear weapon, for power that wizards do not know or have, to show them that muggles have created weapons that could wipe out their whole pureblood society in mere seconds. To show them that we may not be magic, but we have created weapons of such destruction they couldn't even imagine the things they could do.

_I back from the glass, boy again, leaving small mean O of small, mean mouth._

_Hands burn for a stone, a bomb, to shiver down the glass._

_Nothing's changed._

– _Nothing's Changed by Tatamkhulu Afrika _

I sat was opposite him on his large bed, it was quite late and he had called me to him after lunch, then made me stay for the rest of the day as he worked at his desk. Then mere minutes ago he had sat opposite me on the bed, just staring at me.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked, just to break the silence, just because I was interested. He knew what I was referring to, the rape and capture and the pain he made me feel. He stared at me for a few seconds before speaking.

"We won the war Granger." He told me bluntly, as if it was reason enough for what he was doing to me, as if it was the simplest thing on Earth to understand. As if it meant it was okay to do such horrible things.

"Noone won the war. There is never one person who wins and who doesn't in war. It just doesn't work like that. We both lost." I murmured, staring intently at him, he shook his head.

"We killed Potter and most of you lot."

"But we killed yours too. There is no winner."

"That's not true. If Potter was still alive we would have lost, but he isn't."

"But people fighting for the light side are still alive. So technically you still haven't yet won."

"But we're winning, there are more of you dead than us."

"We haven't admitted defeat though. War isn't like a quidditch game, there are no points that add up at the amount of people you're side has killed or points you've scored. The last one standing is the _victor_. But not the winner, because they will have lost many along the way regardless of whether they are the last ones standing."

"But if we kill all your side then we will have won. We'll have won the war." He argued.

"But at a cost. Wars are not won. They simply stop, we might have 'won' the last war but there were still deaths, we still lost in that respect." I replied.

"But there is only one winner in a war."

"But there are so many losses." I shook my head at his reasoning.

"But we'll win, once we've killed all of the light side."

"No. You'll have lost as much as us, you're comrades, maybe you won't care, but you'll still have lost many. You will in a sense _win_, but in many ways you will have lost."

"Once all the mudbloods and muggles and lower life forms have been extinguished from this world we will have won."

"You'll have won what Malfoy?"

"The war."

"But muggles have nothing to do with this wizarding war. So how will that make you a winner?" I asked.

"Okay then, it'll just be an added bonus they die. But once the Light Side is all dead we'll have won."

"Before you said you already had won though." I played with his words.

"We have. But once we kill the rest of the side there will be no opposition." He answered.

"Then what, all that will be left are Purebloods?" I asked.

"Eventually, once all the muggles are killed there will be no more muggleborns. And so there will be no halfbloods. Just purebloods." I laughed dryly.

"Then I will have my revenge." I murmured.

"Revenge?"

"When all that's left are purebloods and you're an old man, I'll be long dead and so will the rest of my race, and as you call them, 'lower life forms' will be too. You'll understand then."

"Make me understand now."

"Oh but that'll ruin all my fun. Because it'll hit you in the face and you'll all be cursing yourselves for your stupidity." I replied leaning closer to him, a smirk graced my features as I looked into his uncertain grey eyes.

"Tell me." His hand caught under my chin as he held my face close to his, I laughed.

"You're killing yourselves. Don't you get it? When all that's left are purebloods, you'll be slowly becoming extinct." I grinned, "Dying out." I whispered the last two words.

"Go on." He said.

"You'll just be reproducing with others like you, no variety at all. The same blood over and over again." I said leaning forwards.

"I still don't understand."

"No you wouldn't. Us stupid muggles and muggleborns do though. Do you breed any animals?" I asked, he nodded.

"Horses."

"What happens if you keep breeding them with one another?" Realization seemed to hit him. "They become weak and susceptible to disease don't they? If you don't get new horses to mate them with they just keep going until the foals die at infancy or live a year or two to catch a disease and die." I giggled. "You'll catch all the same diseases and you'll get squibs and eventually, you'll all just die out." I murmured. "You'll be passing on all your weaknesses, and with each generation you'll become weaker and weaker." I smiled.

"No." He shook his head, denying it all.

"Yes." I whispered, "And there's nothing you can do about it, you purebloods and your pride, you think you're so above us, but you'll all be mating with each other, the same blood over and over again. Disfiguration, death, disease, squibs. It's all waiting for you, how long will it take my darling?" I asked calmly, mockingly.

"You're wrong, the Dark Lord will have thought of this."

"But Draco." I drawled, "The Dark Lord's only a half-blood, how could he think of such complex things?" I asked.

"You're a mudblood how could you think of such complex things." I laughed.

"Because I'm Hermione fucking Granger." I hissed and it was answer enough, he stared into my eyes, the frown creasing his eyebrows.

"I don't believe you." He said.

"Oh I'll be laughing. I'll be laughing at you're stupidity dear Draco." I said harshly. I didn't like who I had become really. I was harsh and blunt and horrible.

But he deserved it.

"Purebloods are the superior race, we won't die out like that, maybe animals do, but we're not animals."

"Why would I lie to you?" I asked, I was mocking him, I was cutting him with my words like he did with his words and with his actions. I would probably come to regret it, but at the time I was relishing in the power I had over Draco Malfoy.

He pulled me to him forcefully pressing his lips to mine, I smiled anyway, and I knew he could feel it against his lips. Because no matter what, I would get my revenge, maybe in his eyes he would win the war, but years from now, it would be me celebrating. When his precious race died out.

They can all go to fucking hell, I'd probably see them there. Hell is where sinners like me belong. If I truly believed in God, then maybe I would have actually believed I would end up in the fiery pit, guarded by Hades. But I didn't.

Still don't even now.

God had done nothing for me.

It always comes back to God doesn't it? If he was real he would have helped me, if he was real there would be no hurricanes or wars of famine. But what if he is there helping us, stopping even worse things happening, stopping the wars and the tsunami's that _could_ happen. What if he is helping us, we just don't know it?

God. God. God. I'm so fucking tired of it.

I laughed against his lips, he pulled away angrily. "Fuck off Granger." He said angrily, I laughed, stood happily from his bed and waved at him before walked out the door. He sat thinking, reflecting.

It was a theory.

It could happen.

I could be wrong.

But then I was rarely wrong.

I curled up in the small bed, the tears wetting my pillow, my sobs sounding around the room as I prayed to a God that I did not believe in for forgiveness, for help, for anything. The darkness was surrounding me, closing in, suffocating me.

It always comes back to God, to higher beings, to power stronger than us mere mortals. Always. Always. Always.

My mind ached from thinking and my conscience was a headache. My limbs hurt from the sex, _no_, the fucking, my body ached from the violence of it. The shame and the anger at myself was spreading through my body like wildfire.

The cold sense of dread for what the next day would bring was uncomfortable. My skin was red raw from the burning hot shower I had taken, and from the scrubbing I had done. I had taken a boiling hot shower, it took my mind off everything, like the cold one. Both as uncomfortable and painful as each other. Both what I deserved from the terrible things I did. The terrible person I had become.

I brushed away the pathetic tears and walked out my room, to the large dining room. I felt rebellious all of a sudden. I opened the large French doors at one end of the room and stepped into the frigid night. I sat down outside the door, on the cool stone step. I shivered at the coldness beneath my legs. It was good to feel. The air whipped around me, my nightie was a practically useless garment. It didn't even warm me, but I wore it for the modesty. There was still some of me left.

I hummed, an old song I knew from the muggle world. When I was home for holidays, I constantly listened to music. All summer I would let music surround me, all summer and every summer. There's not much music in the wizarding world. Strange isn't it. They praise themselves for being so clever and above muggles with their intelligence and magic. But they don't play music. Well rarely, at the Yule Ball there was music, not like muggle music, not good like muggle music. No beautiful piano notes or soft drum beats, no violin's or flutes, not even any fucking _recorders_.

The silence is so depressing.

They have singers, the Weird Sisters or something equally ridiculous like that, but nothing like opera or loud and clear soprano singers, no soft tones of singers so lost in music they don't care for the fame.

I've always adored music.

Anything and everything: Sweet classical music to lull me to sleep, obnoxious rock music just because sometimes you need to listen to something angry. A bit of country for the hell of it. Hip hop and rap just… _Because_.

Music is what I live for. So I hummed as I sat on that step in the dark staring out into a world I did not know. I hummed quietly tunes that once had words but I had long forgotten them, I hummed because it was satisfying and my heart didn't ache so much for home when there was music involved.

Sometimes I don't think properly and I end up in the realms of 'what ifs' and 'what could have been' and all those other niggling little sentence starters that make me want to cry. I sometime wonder what would have happened if I fell and not Ginny. If Malfoy didn't take me? Where the fuck would I be now? Dead? Even more broken that I am now? Or better off?

I don't know much about the outside world nowadays but I know it's not a good place to be, I hear the other girls whispering about what it was like before Malfoy got them. I know Lauren watched her family burn alive at Death Easter's hands, they kept her for entertainment, she says she was lucky Malfoy took her home. But was she? Would I be better off in the big bad world or with Malfoy and his sick and twisted little games.

'What ifs' and 'what could have beens' are such harsh paths to follow, they don't bring you peace of mind or help at all: They hurt and are uncomfortable roads to walks. The questions and the 'what ifs' haunt me like nothing else, the faces of the people I knew the people I knew so very well. Are they dead? Or are they alive? Is Ron alive? Luna? Seamus? Dean? Anyone?

Neville's, Lavender's, Minerva's and Colin's faces featured in my nightmares, their eyes on me, angry, tired and bitter eyes. They had given up hope, given up on everything. When they saw me enter the horrible room they looked hopeful, as if I could save them, their hopes were smashed and crushed when Malfoy smirked at them. They saw the perfect Hermione Granger, the clever one, the member of the golden trio, reduced to nothing. That was why Malfoy did it I think, to show them that if I was being fucked by him then they had no hope. Innocent Hermione was ruined and nobody and nothing in this world, so they had absolutely no hope.

My heart hurt inside my chest as I remember all the things that had happened to me. My life had been good, of course with Harry and Ron each year there was danger. But with Ginny and our small group it was even worse. We had to starve for days sometimes, we couldn't always get food, we huddled together in tents, every item of clothing we owned on our malnourished and tired bodies. But no matter what we did we couldn't get away from the desolation, because we'd lost and that was that. We knew we'd eventually be captured and killed, we could only run away for so long. We had planned to all apparate away, to another country. The group got smaller and smaller within months and then it was just Ginny and I. Running for our lives. We should have left sooner, but we were hoping. Clutching at straws. Praying to a God we had no faith in that it would all worked it.

It was my fault really; I was the leader, I should have said to leave sooner, instead of dilly dallying around and hoping things would be okay. I should have taken control and decided to leave. But I always had so much faith in things. I trusted in the fact that Ron was still alive, of course I didn't know for sure, but I had hoped he and the other survivors could save us. Pathetic.

Denial.

Denial.

Fucking Denial.

I always liked threes. People always say three's a crowd. Well they can go fuck themselves. Harry, Ron and Hermione. We weren't a crowd. Harry was the boy who lived. Ron was the loyal best friend. I was the clever one, the one behind it all. Harry was the face of the three of us, but I was the brains, I had the plans, yes Harry had some, but I engineered them all perfectly. I meticulously planned and ran through and perfected until I had no more of myself to give. I wore myself out helping others, I have always been too caring of others. Selfless. Kind. Clever.

Three again there, I always seem to do things in threes. Three times with Malfoy. Three denial's, or maybe I'm just making connections where there are none. Linking things that should not be linked. You are reduced to such things when you're desperate.

How pitiful I had become.

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	14. N

_**14.N**_  
The problem is that there is always someone worse off that you. It's hard to feel pity for yourself when you know that other people have it worse. I was alive. I was well fed, sure the mind games and rape were uncomfortable and my self-control was lacking when it came to Draco Malfoy and sex.

But I was alive.

Things weren't easy for me, but I was hardly living a terrible life, I had my friends around me for support, I had it easy really. Pitying myself and thinking of all the terrible things that had happened helped noone, least of all myself.

Sure things weren't great; I cried far too often, there were times when I wanted to die. But overall, life was good, I was not wounded, there were scars, but nothing that inflicted my health or ruined my life. Well really I didn't have much of a life, of course I was alive, but I wasn't really living, I was existing. I breathed in and out, my heart pumped blood around my body, my brain controlled my actions and emotions. But really, Malfoy controlled me, he controlled us all, we were at his beck and call and we were to do with what he pleased.

With no say in the matter at all.

But really in the great scheme of things, free will was hardly a necessity, I could still live well enough without free will. I didn't want to, but it was a possible thing to do. Because as soon as I was branded with Malfoy's initials I no longer was myself, I was marked as his own, for everyone to see. I belonged to him like cattle and horses belonged to their owners once they had been marked.

But really free will makes us who we are, if we have no free will we are noone and nothing, without free will we are nothing. It makes up who we are, out beliefs and morals all piled up together, but mine had all been taken away. Of course in my mind I thought it was all wrong and wished for a better life. But it was hardly plausible. I was Draco Malfoy's play thing, his toy, his belonging.

_His dirty fucking whore_.

I still had my beliefs and morals but I couldn't act on them because I had no free will. I had nothing in the life I was living. No belonging, no free will.

But really you're never actually free; who really cares if you're in your house, or in a big open field? There is always something to surround you. You can pretend like you're free, but you're not. Not really. You will always be trapped. Four walls of plaster or the roundness of the encroaching atmosphere. I see no difference. But in a sense when you can choose where you go and where it is that you are trapped, then you are almost free.

Not free from the expectations of others, or the world. But free enough. I was always expected great things from. I was always predicted to be an important person in the wizarding community. And even before I knew of my magical abilities, I was always a clever child, I could have been anything, done anything. '_The world's the limit hunny'. _That's what my aunt used to say.

In this world that I live, with Malfoy and at the Manor, it is not about right, it is not about wrong. It is about power. And how much of it you yield, how much power you have and how you use it. It doesn't matter if you use it for the wrong reasons, you are still powerful, people are awed by you, they look up to you and are impressed with your power, even if you are a bad person.

Take Voldemort for example, even with all the terrible thing he has done, I could never help but be mildly impressed, he had the pureblood fanatics wrapped around his little finger and he was a _halfblood. _He was being worshipped by those people who killed others like him. I could never help but be impressed by that, he had them just where he wanted them.

But really all people needed was a cause, all they needed was a side and then they would take to it, see what the other people were doing and decide. All people want really is a cause, a side, a person to follow. People follow religions for the comfort of something out there, the hope that this life is not all there is, the hope that life does not end with death. People take comfort in the fact that they are not alone, that they are united in a fight. They may not essentially agree completely with it, but the comfort of knowing that they are not alone is enough for many.

I don't mean to justify Malfoy's actions, I don't mean to justify all the things he did, but it was his parent's war, it was their war and he was sucked into it. Not that the things he did were okay, because they most certainly were not. But really if you are brought up with people who believe such a thing, for example that muggleborns are beneath you. Then it is only logical that you will think this too, if you believe all your life that Voldemort is the right side, then you will join it.

I sighed, my breath coming out in a puff of steam in the frigid night. It was peaceful in the cold on the night, I closed my eyes and imagined myself in Malfoy's old room, on a whim, desperate to read his inner most thoughts.

I pulled the journal from under the large pillow and began to read:

_I felt bad and it was incredibly ridiculous, Granger is my slave and if I want to torture her for information then I fucking will. When she passed out though I was shitting myself, I thought I fucking killed her. I got rid of Creevy, the house elves could sort out his body._

_I got Jane to look after her, she was unconscious for the night. And I was fucking pathetic waiting for her to wake, not that I would ever tell anyone I was worried. _

_But I was. I think I'm going insane, caring about mudblood Granger. It's stupid and it's not like she's ever done anything for me in life. _

_When she woke up though she was angry, I made her angry, I like to see the fire in her eyes, it reminds me of Hogwarts and happier times. Listen to me getting all fucking sentimental, I am turning into such a fucking woman, it's the type of thing Astoria would spew about. God she's annoying, I only keep her around for appearances. The sex is barely even pleasurable, but I am a man and she is after all very attractive. _

_That brings me back to Granger and fucking in my bed, under the covers, it was fucking brilliant. That was good sex, Granger is just fucking amazing at fucking, I've fucked plenty of girls and she was fucking amazing. She just makes me come undone. Again with the fucking stupid statements. Angry sex is just the fucking best. _

_After though I was so pissed off for wanting her and kissing her and all that shit. I made her stay and then said about it being her third mistake. And it fucking was, but I was even pisseder, fuck that's not even a bloody word, even more__ pissed__ when she bit her lip in that fucking seductive way, making me hard without her even __realising__. And she looked angry but she just turned away. _

_Then she got up after a while and sat by the window crying for ages, I stayed awake cause I thought she might try to jump out again. I wasn't worried, I just didn't want to loose precious, sexy as, goods. Well I guess I was a bit worried, I mean I don't think she would actually do it, maybe she was just entertaining the thought._

_But she came back to bed and I could actually sleep, instead of being an idiot and worrying about fucking mudblood Granger. I woke up and she was flailing about fucking everywhere, gasping and sobbing, and just generally being a pain in my god-like arse. She was whimpering about the war and Weasley and Potter, it pissed me off that she would mention another man's name in my bed. But then I remembered the great sex and the fact that I probably gave her her first orgasm anyway. _

_All I fucking do in this fucking journal is talk about Granger, well since she came here anyway, all I wrote about before was how shit everything was and how wacked up the 'dark lord' was, still is._

_He is a psycho!_

_Theodore shares my beliefs in the ridiculousness of the dark lord being our leader, he isn't even a pureblood. How bloody ridiculous. I charmed this journal so that no people who want to do me harm can read it, or people who want to read this to use my words against me. That pretty much rules out everyone then. It's far too complicated and time consuming just to charm it so that only I can read it._

_I have much better things to do, like fucking the brains out Granger. She does those sexy little moans and rakes her nails up my back and I like it best when she says my actual name. If the sex wasn't so good when she actually participated I'd be a dick about her little 'Draco' moans, but then I say her name back because it makes her moan more._

_God it's all just Granger, Granger Granger._

_Her little thoughts about us purebloods all dying out can't be true. But then Theodore and I have discussed how when all mudbloods and muggles are no longer around there will be noone to look up to us. That's why we should keep them around. _

_Then she just smirked and I kissed her and she just carried on grinning, I made her leave. I couldn't be bothered with holding her down when I fucked her. I much prefer it when she gets into it reacts properly. When she wanted me too. _

_This is going round in fucking circles._

_Fuck this._

_I have better places to be._

I closed my eyes briefly, letting the new information run through my cluttered mind. By having sex willingly with him, it had stopped him from raping me. That was good right? Or wasn't it, would I be forced to willingly have sex with him now even when I didn't want to? The questions and worries from his mind were too much.

He almost wrote with humor, knowing how ridiculous some of his statements sounded. I actually smiled at the 'pisseder' comment. And he though Voldemort was a psycho. Since fucking when? And practically every other comment was a swear word, fucking this and fucking that. He thought I was sexy. And he thought his arse was god-like. He liked it when I moaned his name and scratched his back.

I stood and walked from the room, deciding to just wander, I heard a person crying and immediately went in search of the distressed person, most likely pureblood.

I rounded the corner and saw little Annie sitting on the floor, in the middle of the large hallway crying. I walked over, and she looked up with big sad eyes, I scooped her up hugged her tight to me, she wrapped her little arms tight around my neck and sobbed onto my shoulder.

"What's wrong sweetie?" I asked pulling back slightly so I could see her eyes.

"Richmond and Amelia are arguing again." A voice told me and I took in Theodore Nott leaning against the wall a little way off, his arms crossed, watching me with interest in his aqua blue eyes. He was tall and slightly gangly, but I could easily see his muscles as his shirt was short sleeved. He had dark brown hair that was cropped short, he was attractive, with his striking blue eyes and light skin, he had some stubble on his chin, he was attractive in the mystery kind of way. He was frowning as he watched the little girl clinging to me, I saw his eyes trail up and down my body, making me painfully aware of the tiny night gown I was wearing, practically see-through, and a silky white kind of thing. It was very low cut and short, just about covering my arse, I was uncomfortable as he walked towards me. I remembered him from my Hogwarts years, he was a clever boy and did well in all his subjects, he was always slightly apart from the other Slytherin boys, he was never part of Malfoy's little gang. He kept himself to himself, but I didn't doubt that he was as good a manipulator, liar and cheater as the other Slytherin boys. Witty and intelligent, capable of great things. "Annabella doesn't like the shouting." He told me.

"Shall I take her back to her room?" I asked him as she continued to cry on my shoulder.

"Yes, follow me." He said so I did.

"Don't cry." I said to the little girl. "I'm sure they've stopped shouting now." I murmured.

"I don't like it when daddy shouts at mummy." She told me. "Daddy hit mummy." She told me and I bit my lip hard.

"I'm sure it was an accident." I told her.

"It wasn't." She said adamantly.

"I'm sure that your daddy would never want to hurt mummy sweetie." I said.

"I'm sure he would, Richmond is a pig." Theodore said from ahead now, I clicked my tongue lightly, he was hardly helpful at trying to console the little girl.

"I'm sure that daddy doesn't mean to upset you, he must love you very much." I said.

"Daddy doesn't like me, he wanted me to be a boy." She said, and my heart broke for the little girl.

"Then he doesn't deserve a lovely little girl like you." I said angrily, Theodore stopped in front of me and I nearly walked into his back, he turned around slowly, watching me carefully, I stepped back so I could take in his face.

"Do you think so?"

"All parents should love their children unconditionally." I said.

"But Richmond needs a boy to carry on the line, and having boys first in pureblood societies is important." He said, if it had been Malfoy telling me such a thing, he would have said it like an insult, pointing out my ignorance at not knowing about pureblood society.

"Can they not try for another child. And why can't a girl be an heir?" I asked.

"They're not trusted, pureblood women are usually not that bright and don't understand things. That's the problem with pureblood women, they're ignorant and not at all independent. Whereas halfbloods and muggleborns can usually think for them selves. Rich pureblood women just marry rich pureblood men and have their children. That's all they're useful for." He told me, he said muggleborn and nor mudblood, it shocked me.

"What a sexist society you live in." I said.

"Well Hermione, it's lucky you don't live in it then isn't it."

"It certainly is." I agreed.

"Don't you want to be pureblood?" Confusion colored his voice.

"No, why should I?"

"Then you wouldn't be Draco's slave, you wouldn't be here now."

"I'd rather be a muggleborn any day. Being a trophy wife and brainless doesn't sound like my cup of tea." I told him, he grinned.

"You confuse me." I frowned.

"Why?"

"Because I was always told that mudbloods were ugly, stupid and lowly creatures, a waste of air. Then you're not like that at all." He said.

"I'll take that as a compliment then." I said, he shrugged and turned on his heel.

"Come on then." I followed, we stepped inside a room and I place the little girl into the bed, she was already asleep as I pulled the covers up. "Will you get Draco, I need to talk to him."

"Right now?" I asked, he nodded, I imagined myself outside Malfoy's room. I knocked and then pushed the door open, he sat at his desk, his back to me, still dressed in his day clothes.

"Theodore Nott wants to talk to you." I told him, he turned around frowning.

"How do you know?"

"He asked me to get you." I explained.

"Take me there." He said walking towards me, I wrapped my fingers around his outstretched wrist and imagined myself in the room I had previously been in.

"Draco." Theodore said smiling.

"Why did you send Granger to get me? You could have owled."

"It's easier."

"So what did you want?" He asked.

"To let you know that I will be leaving tomorrow morning, I have business to attend to, but the rest of my family will be staying."

"That was it?"

"Yes Draco." He smirked.

"You're infuriating." He said grabbing my wrist and pulling me towards the door.

"Goodbye Hermione." Theodore said.

"Goodbye." I murmured, before the door closed and Malfoy stopped, stepping back to look at me frowning.

"Theodore may seem like he respects you and thinks rather highly of you, but really he thinks you're a dirty mudblood, he appreciates your body, but doesn't really give a shit about you. Really Granger, he just wants to fuck you." He said, a hard tone to his smooth voice, I said nothing just watched the man before me, he smirked at me after a second, "Now follow me." He said, of course I obediently followed him down the familiar corridor, up the staircase and through the well known door to his large bedroom. He pulled off his clothes until he only wore his boxer shorts, then he lay down in the bed, under the covers. "Get in." He told me, I lay down beside him. "Now fucking sleep." He said, rolling over, his back to me, I closed my eyes and wished for a peaceful sleep.

"_This way." I said, glancing over my shoulder at the people behind me, Ginny was talking to Susan Bones behind me, we had arranged at Hogwarts with others in Dumbledore's Army, that if we failed we would have certain meeting spots. I had met with Ginny Weasley, Susan Bones, Katie Bell, Seamus Finnigan, Alicia Spinnet and Justin Finch-Fletchley. I had been chosen as the leader, the most competent and I was their only hope. We didn't know if any of the others were alive or well, all we had was each other. We had met up the day before, Harry was dead and life as we knew it was over. We walked through the dense forest, all taking paranoid glances over our shoulders at every turn. I held the map in front of me, Justin was beside me as we tried to work out where to go, scrutinizing the map as the others behind us carried on their subdued chatter. _

_A green light flew past us and we stopped instantly, hearing the footsteps of other people. "Quick apparate!" I called, grabbing Justin's hand and Ginny's beside me, we'd practiced all grabbing each other and then I would apperate us away. The green light hit Alicia's back and I watched her eyes open wide in horror as all life left her face. The black cloaked figures all disappeared as I concentrated on a new place to go, clinging to Ginny and Justin's hands. _

_One death. No other casualties. Six survivors. _

I opened my eyes as the dream finished, the tears fell heavily down my cheeks as I remembered poor Alicia Spinnet. I brushed away the tears and I sighed sitting up and sat cross legged on the bed, watching the sleeping man beside me, sleep makes people look vulnerable and almost childlike. His piercing eyes were closed and his face was relaxed, no sneer on his pale face. His blonde hair was messy and the moonlight illuminating his face gave his hair a halo like look. He looked innocent, and that scared me. In his sleep he looked almost like an angel, pale skin, perfect bright blonde hair, aristocratic features. Handsome. I wondered how someone who looked so innocent in his sleep could be so evil and do such terrible deeds. He sighed softly, moving about slightly, he looked so uncorrupted and blameless. He even lied and manipulated people in his fucking sleep.

The door opened and I stared in shock as Astoria Greengrass entered the room, she closed the door quietly and then stepped forwards, looking up, she stopped immediately shock was mirrored in her expression as she saw me. I prodded Malfoy in the side, he stirred slightly, I tapped his shoulder harder.

"Fuck off Granger." He said, rolling onto his front.

"Astoria's here." I said, he immediately sat up and stared at her.

"What's going on?" She asked, staring at me, in my skimpy nightdress, sitting next to her boyfriend. "Why are you in Draco's bed?" She asked me, walking forwards.

"Why the fuck are you in my bed Granger?" Malfoy asked, staring at me.

"Because you told me to stay here." I replied.

"I fucking didn't." He lied, I laughed humorlessly.

"Okay then fine, I just decided to sit next to you in your bed out of my own free will." I said sarcastically.

"Are you sleeping with her?" She asked.

"She's a mudbloods Astoria, of course not."

"Men like your boyfriend only rape mudbloods." I said angrily.

"Draco isn't like that." She hissed.

"You are aware he's a Death Eater right?" I asked her.

"That doesn't mean anything." She said.

"God you're stupid." I said shaking my head, pitying the girl before me.

"Shut up." Malfoy hissed from beside me.

"No I will not shut up! You've fooled this girl into thinking your some kind of good samartian and you're not!" I cried standing up and walking towards Astoria Greengrass, she was staring at me, her light green eyes wide and shocked, I held out my palm to her, so she could see the brand. "He fucked me on his bed first, then he did this and then he fucked me against that very wall." I said pointing at the wall next to the fireplace, she slowly looked to see the wall and then back at me. "I lost my virginity to him downstairs on one of the tables in the dining room. It wasn't my choice." I hissed. "You think I choose to wear this? I'm never allowed knickers, easy fucking access, I'm his fucking whore! And you're just going to be Malfoy's pretty little trophy wife and if you think he won't have a mistress then you're a fool Astoria!" I told her, He caught the back of my dress and yanked me back, pushing me onto the bed, he picked up his wand and stepped towards Astoria. She looked at him in shock, her eyes switching from him to me and then back again. In one swift motion he had her pinned to the door, with his wand pressed to her temple. Her eyes went blank as he muttered charms under his breath his face frowning in concentration. He pulled away after a while, she looked around with blank eyes before sighing and walking out the door. He had used a memory charm on her, made her forget what she had seen. He turned to me and smirked.

"I think you're just about to fucking regret that." He hissed angrily advancing on me.

I was slammed backwards against the wall, the smack of my head against the stone wall making a resounding thwack in the small stone room.

"If you ever do anything like that ever again, I'll fucking kill you." He hissed at me, his face inches from my own, my heart began to beat erratically in my chest. My breath was coming fast as I stared into his angry grey eyes. The fear inside me was building, I knew what was to come. I wasn't foolish. It was an irrational moment when my anger overcame me, I wanted Astoria to understand.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, hating the traitor tears that slipped down my cheeks, he sneered at me, the fear built and built inside of me, until I felt like I would surely explode from the sheer terror of his anger directed solely at me.

"Sorry isn't fucking good enough." And he was right, it _fucking_ wasn't, there was no hope, I knew that by the anger in his eyes. I needed to distract him, stop the anger, stop it immediately. I bit my lip, he hissed and I remembered the words he wrote in his journal. His eyes were on my lip as I moved my jaw slightly and my teeth, he looked back up at me. He knew what I was trying to do. I pushed my face forwards, pressing my lips to his, desperate to stop the anger, I didn't want his punishment. He pushed back slightly, then pulled away.

"I won't be distracted by you." He hissed, leaning forwards, could feel his breath on my ear and shivered, "I can still fuck you Granger, whether you want it or not." He told me, I shivered again, the fear renewed in my body. "I think I will actually." He said conversationally, I tried to pull away, using the little strength I had to try to push him away, to try to get away and escape his grasp. I didn't want the rape or torture. At least with the sex I could forget and loose myself in it. You don't get lost in rape, it's an impossible feat.

He held my wrists above my head with one hand and pressed his body against my struggling form. He undid his trousers with the other hand, and pushed me up the wall so my feat weren't even touching the floor. I felt him at my entrance, before he let go of my body and I slammed down onto his dick. I hissed in pain, he let go of my wrists and his fingers dug into my waist, he pushed my body up again, pulled out and then let me go, his body still pressed against mine. I slammed down on him once again. The burning ache between my legs caused the tears to roll down my cheeks. I pulled my legs up around his waist, putting my hands on his shoulders to support myself as I locked my ankles behind him. My head fell forwards as he continued to violently thrust inside of me. My forehead pressed into his shoulder and my arms rested limply on his shoulders as well.

The feel of his hot breath on my neck was repulsive as he groaned into my ear, releasing his hot seed inside my body. He pulled out quickly and yanked my legs from around his waist. He stepped back and I slid down the wall uncomfortably. I looked up at him and his hand struck my cheek, the force causing my head to snap round and stare to my left, I gasped and looked up at him. His right hand swung round and the sting in my other cheek caused the fat tears to roll down my cheeks as I looked the other way. I bowed my head, pressing my face into my knees, making myself as small as possible. I felt him hand on my head, his fingers knotted into my hair and he pulled my head up, he squatted down in front of me. Frowning as he took in my face. He yanked my head hard, pulling me upwards, I stood shakily to my feat, trying to stop the pain on my scalp. He moved his hands to the back of my head, instead of on top, he tightly fisted his hands into my hair again and yanked my head back, so I was looking up at his face, merely inches from my own. I hissed in pain as his body pressed against mine and he looked down at me. His face hovered above mine, his eyes were angry and somewhat ferocious. I bit my lip hard, refusing to let the sobs escape me, the tears were already falling and muffled sobs were filling the small room.

"You repulse me." He hissed, throwing me against the opposite wall before spitting on me and then walked out and locked the door behind him as I lay broken on the floor.

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**Pretty heavy yeh. I hate this chapter too you're not alone.  
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	15. O

_**15. 0**_  
**Perfect ** _– adjective_

_1. Lacking nothing essential to the whole; complete of its nature or kind. _

_2. Being without defect or blemish: _a perfect specimen.

_3. Thoroughly skilled or talented in a certain field or area; proficient. _

_4. Completely suited for a particular purpose or situation: _She was the perfect actress for the part.

_5. Completely corresponding to a description, standard, or type: _a perfect circle; a perfect gentleman.

_6. Accurately reproducing an original: _a perfect copy of the painting_._

_7. Complete; thorough; utter: _a perfect fool_. _

_8. Pure; undiluted; unmixed: _perfect red_. _

_9. Excellent and delightful in all respects: _a perfect day_._

I was flawed in all the worst ways, broken and worn away. I used to be perfect. I used to be so close to perfection in everything I did it was incredible. I always strived for perfection in life. Being _nearly perfect_ was never enough.

To truly succeed I always knew that _nearly perfect_ was not a choice. Because I refused to be _nearly perfect, _in my mind there was nothing worse than _nearly_, then you are truly a failure because you're so close to perfection, but you just can't reach it. If you try to do something, in my opinion, succeeding is the only option.

To be perfect is to win.

To succeed in life and to be perfect in everything I did was my life's ambition. It was what I strived to do, I always did my best in everything I did.

I refused to loose.

I did what it took to win and to gain perfection. People looked at me and thought I was perfect, but I wasn't really because only a true perfectionist knows that nothing is _ever _truly perfect. That's what made what I strove for so illogical, because what I wanted I knew I would never succeed in.

I was cursed from the start.

Knowing I would fail, but trying regardless. But then _nearly perfect_ is better than not at all. I would have worked my whole life to gain perfection if I had to. Because second best in my opinion has never been good enough. It's even worse to be second best, because then you only lost by a little bit, if you had tried that bit more, worked longer, studied harder, then you _might_ have succeeded.

Second is a harsh place to be.

I would have preferred to be last than second, because then I would know that even if I had worked harder I probably would not have succeeded. But then, the only option is first. So I worked harder than everyone else and studied for longer, because second was never an option in my life.

_Oh look at me now…_

I lay on that floor with his spit on my leg, my face stung from the slaps and it ached terribly between my legs from the violence of my rape.

For certain that was the turning point in my life at the Manor. I truly realised then that giving up wasn't an option, I gave up my hopes and dreams for perfection. Instead I focused on the reality and the harshness of the situation I was in.

I realised at that moment on the cold stone floor of the dungeon that _to live_ was my new mission. _Perfection was pointless in a place so prone to pain_. Instead staying alive was my new ambition. I decided then that I would make Malfoy think he had won. _Lull him into a sense of false security,_ so to speak. Make him think like I was no longer fierce and fiery. Make him think he had broken me. I would trick him and use him and hurt him, ultimately, like he had hurt and humiliated me.

Determination coursed through my body as I wiped the saliva from my bare leg with my palm, I wiped it off onto the floor. I stood up, brushing my hair away from my face. I straightened out the nightdress I wore. Pressed my cool hands to my burning cheeks, brushed away the salt tracks from my cheeks; and decided to succeed.

Then I began to pace. Plotting and planning and preparing. Deciding the best course of action, my brilliant mind whirring and working away perfectly. My planning skills were being put to use after so long.

I walked stiffly across the small room and then back again, the walking and thinking keeping my mind off what had just occurred. I hummed lightly, to fill the silence of the room as I began to use my brilliant mind to think of a way to take down Draco Malfoy.

Because after all I would win. I was Hermione Granger. I may have been captured and had incredible flaws. Perfect may have no longer been an option. But I would never ever give up. That part of me would never die.

I must have paced for hours because my legs were aching and the soles of my feet seemed almost numb. Thoughts and ideas ran through my mind, as I hummed to myself, I must have looked half crazed walking backwards and forwards in that cell. I heard footsteps outside the door and Malfoy's unmistakable voice muttering spell. I sighed and sat down where I had been when he left me. I leant against the wall, my breathing harsh from the walking, I wasn't used to exercise.

My legs were stretched out in front of me and my hands were clenched in fists at my sides, to stop them trembling. He stepped inside and looked me over, I stared straight ahead, not looking at him, just staring right through him at the opposite wall. He walked towards me and on instinct I pulled my legs up to my chest.

Fearful.

It wasn't part of the plan but it didn't matter. "Are you scared of me then?" He asked bending down, I still didn't meet his eyes, just looked right past him, just above his head. I rested my legs out to my left, curled up almost. "Look at me." He hissed anger colouring his voice, I slowly turned my eyes to him, meeting his grey orbs. "Good girl." Mockery in his tone, I didn't let it bother me, just stared at him, I knew he wouldn't like it, but I did it regardless, because the loathing was coursing through my veins and I could do nothing but let him see the repulsion in my eyes, "Well are you?" He asked me leering at me, I said nothing he sneered, "Are you scared of me Granger."

"Should I be?" I asked him my voice was bored as I stared at him.

"Very." He muttered, before standing up from his crouching position, "Get up." He told me, I slowly pulled myself from the floor and stood before him, he looked me up and down before frowning. "Go change and wash up, then come to my room immediately." He ordered. I apperated to my room instantly and pulled off the nightgown before jumping into the shower, it was freezing cold, to keep my mind off the pain. The coldness of it burned slightly and I shivered uncontrollably.

I stepped out after frantic scrubbing and then dried myself off quickly before putting on the bra and the green dress. I looking into the mirror and caught sight of my face, there were two prominent hand shaped bruises on my cheeks and my lower lip had an angry scab on the right of it, from my teeth. I dried my hair off best I could with the towel, it was times like those that I wished I had a hair band.

I tried to calm myself, the terror was quickly filling me up and my heart was beating unnecessarily fast. I apparated to Malfoy's room and the butterflies in my stomach started to make my feel nauseous. His back was to me, he was staring out the window, I could tell he knew I was there. After a few seconds he turned around, he was frowning at me. Then he smirked and I knew I didn't want to know what was making him so happy.

He walked to his desk and began to push papers aside, then he motioned for me to go to him, I warily stepped forwards, not really wanting to know what was to happen. I stood in front of him and he smirked at me before stepping behind me and pushing me forwards, I tried to struggle but it was a pointless thing to do, I wouldn't be freed by him. He pushed me forwards, then caught my writs in his hand. He held them down either side of my body. I was pressed forwards so my chest was against the desk.

I looked to the right. I could see out the window, the clear blue sky was in sight, I so wished I was out there, I tried to block out the sound of him undoing his trousers. My feet were pressed against the floor and I felt his knee between my legs, pushing them apart. I could feel the tears slipping from my eyes.

He entered me in one swift motion, it hurt, he let go of my wrist and I brought my hands up to my head as he held my hips in his hands. Thrusting in and out of me, he was moaning and grunting like crazy, more so than other times. He kept going, violent and even more painful with each thrust. I hated it more than on his bed and against the walls. I felt even more violated in such a position, it reminded me of my first night, although I could see him then. At least face down on his desk I didn't have to see him.

He released inside of me and I felt like I was going to be sick, he pulled out of me and took a few steps back, I stood up, my hands gripping onto the desk for support, it didn't help, I slipped down onto the floor. My hands rooted into my hair and I looked down, sobbing. I could hear his heavy breathing as I sobbed brokenly for my loss of innocence and violation.

All my plans to hurt him like he had hurt me went out the window. There was no possible way I could make him feel so used, broken, and as hopelessly lost I felt. I wanted to hurt him like he had hurt me but I could never replicate the pain he had put me through.

It would be an impossible feat because it wasn't just a physical pain it was emotional hurt to even think of it all. There would be no way crushed broken to even think about hurting someone like I had been hurt.

My legs were curled to the side of me as I was hunched over, my elbows pressing into my legs as my wild and slightly wet hair, from the shower, shielded me from his gaze. I hated myself even more for actually willingly having sex with him in the past. But I loathed myself even more at the fact that I would rather we had sex than he raped me, I wanted to have sex with him so he didn't force me. So that I didn't hurt so badly.

I gasped for air through my sobs, they soon turned to wails as I clutched at my head in vain, wishing it was just all a terrible nightmare and this was not my life. I hear footsteps then the door opened and closed shut after he walked out.

The fucker couldn't bear to see what he had done.

I sat there crying until I could no longer feel my legs, the numbness long ago engulfed my feet. The tears stopped coming, my ears were scratchy and my throat hurt from the sobbing.

The memories were all around me and I couldn't define reality from memory. I lived through my first night at the Manor and the branding and my old friends being killed. It was all too much. All too, too much to take in. and it hurt like nothing before, my heart was falling apart inside of me, my lungs burnt when I breathed and I felt so tired and crushed.

I awoke lying in my small bed, staring at the ceiling, I was completely alone in the cold and silent room. I let the tears silently fall, I curled up into myself. My legs curled up to my chest. My heart wrenching sobs filled the small unfriendly room. I pulled myself together after a few moment and stood before walking into the bathroom, pulling the clothes hastily from my body

I stepped into the shower and I scrubbed my body until it was red and raw to the touch, my shower had been scalding hot, I was trying to rid myself of all he had done to me. My tears mixed with the shower water.

After what seemed like hours of scrubbing and sobbing and overwhelming anguish, I dried myself off and pulled on a clean green dress and bra. I stared at my face in the mirror, the handprints were still visible, but not as bad. My hair was crazy like always. I looked away, self-loathing filled me to the brim.

I imagined myself in Malfoy's old room, wanting to loose myself in his mind. I sat down on the bed and pulled out the diary, I opened to the most recent page and began to read.

_She just kind of fell over after and grabbed at her head, then she began to cry, I haven't ever seen her cry like that, or rather heard her. Her hair blocked her face from me. She just kind of sat there and sobbed. When she began to wail I just couldn't take it, so I walked out. _

_I know I did that to her, I hate myself for being so weak. I don't even know why she cried like that. The first time I found her, after she lost her virginity she had obviously been crying, but not like she was now. That crying was just sniffling and sobbing. Maybe she'd been crying worse before but it was after quite a while that I found her. _

_Just now though it was like she was going to fall apart. And it was my entire fault. I did that to her. I shouldn't feel bad. She's a dirty mudblood who deserves it._

_But really no one deserve that kind of ill treatment. Last night I slapped her then raped her and then left her there after I spat on her for good measure. Then I made her change and wash and then come back then I fucked her on a table. Maybe it reminded her of her first time. Or maybe it was just all too much. I don't fucking know._

_I shouldn't fucking care either. _

_I went back after a few hours and she was sitting there in the same position I left her in, except she was staring off at nothing. Just sitting there, her hands were loose in her lap and her eyes were red and puffy. She looked ill, her face was too pale and her eyes glassy, she just sat perfectly still, I walked towards her and she did nothing, I didn't know what to do so I just kind of poked her in the arm. She didn't react, just sat there. I could tell she was alive because I could see she was breathing. _

_I called for Jane, she asked what happened, I just told her I left her there crying a few hours ago and came back to find her like she was. She tried to get her to stand but she wouldn't, so she apparated her to Granger's room. I don't know what happened after that._

_I really shouldn't care either. _

Jane said I seemed to have been in a total state, I don't remember much, just crying and crying until I couldn't cry anymore, then I just kind of began to remember it all, the rape and torture and all the shit that happened at Malfoy Manor. It's a horrible place to be.

Malfoy Manor is full of misery, mistrusts and misdeeds. It is not a mysterious, or marvellous place to be. It is majestic and morbid. For all these reasons I hate it, because the terrible memories all seemed to occur at Malfoy Manor, Bellatrix Lestrange tortured me, Draco Malfoy raped and tortured me.

We had all been called to the kitchen, Malfoy needed to talk to us about something or other. I didn't look at him when he entered, I looked at the floor, I didn't want to meet his gaze.

"I'm having a ball tonight." He told us all. "I expect you to follow Jane's orders on setting up and then stay out the way. You'll take cloaks at the beginning, then if I see any of you, you'll regret it." He said. "Yes?" He asked we nodded and he turned to walk away. "Oh and Granger?" He asked.

"Yes?" I asked him, I looked up and met his eyes.

"I'll expect you in my room after you've taken cloaks for the rest of the night." I nodded at him, "You better wait up for me." He said before smirking and disapparating.

"What a fucker." Lily murmured next to me, I chuckled.

"Total utter fucker." I murmured.

I've never really been seen as beautiful or someone stunning, I have always been rather plain, I'm not ugly, but neither am I breathtaking. I've always slightly intimidated people with my knowledge. I don't mean to come across as a know-it-all and annoying, but I've always been so desperate to prove myself. To prove to people that I am worthy of being a witch and of magical blood.

I've never really fitted in, even in the trio it was always Harry's side that Ron chose and Ron's side that Harry chose. Neither of them ever heard me out, they were the two boys, the best friends, the heroes, I was the brains. The clever one, without me they would fall apart, but even so I was still a kill joy, far too hardworking.

Far too clever, and desperate to be perfect.

I suppose I was desperate. I was a desperate little girl, desperate to fit in with all the people around me when I first started Hogwarts. I just wanted so badly to fit in. So I did what I always did best, I learnt things, I memorised and read all the pages of the textbooks I could get my hands on. It made people dislike me, I told myself it would be okay, so I just carried on hiding behind my books.

I don't know what I would have done if Harry and Ron had not befriended. I was always rather socially awkward. Even with Harry and Ron I often seemed to be the extra, but I would rather that than be left out in the cold all alone.

I could hear the party below. We were there at the beginning to take the pure-bloods cloaks and show them to the ballroom. Then we were banished away. Mudbloods don't attend grand pureblood masked parties.

I stood in front of the full length mirror in the corner of Malfoy's room, staring at myself. The potion had hidden the bruises and slightly eased my pain. But only the physical pain, I still hurt inside and just wanted to cry. But I wouldn't let myself, I refused to be so weak.

I had already disgraced myself in front of Malfoy once, broken down sobbing like I promised myself I would never do again, [since the first night]. I said I would be stronger and take all his fucking abuse. But I didn't. I cried and I hurt and I wished so badly I could die.

I don't think I had ever disliked someone quite as much as I disliked Draco Malfoy at that moment in time. I glared at myself in the mirror and wondered how things had gotten so bad; how people I had once known were dead, how some of the people I had attended Hogwarts with were downstairs partying away their pureblood lives.

It amazed me how Draco Malfoy, a boy I went to school with had ended up as my abuser and had raped me. It amazed me that Blaise Zabini and Theodore Nott were just the same. I was nothing in the pureblood dominated world I lived in, and I loathed it.

I was meant to make a difference, I was meant to be someone and change the world. I was meant for much greater things than imprisonment and rape. I told Theodore that I didn't want to be a pureblood, because I didn't, I wanted to make a difference as a mudblood, show all the pureblood fuckers that muggleborns were just as good.

There goes that fucking dream…

The anger and unfairness of the world coursed through my veins as I stared at myself. I imagined myself as one of the rich pureblood women with a grand dress and a perfect hair-do. I imagined I was not Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy's sex slave. But a beautiful and free women of the world.

The magic filled me up to the brim and I practically felt the air crackle as the raw magic surrounded me. I was always a talented witch. I practiced and perfected until I got things right. I never rested until whatever I did was perfect.

I had never accomplished wandless magic to such feats as I did that night. I had broken chandeliers and glass balls, and then fixed them. But nothing quite like I did then. It may not seem like much to anybody else, but wandless magic is incredibly difficult and not easily controlled.

My dress was still dark green, but it was longer, it went to just above my knees, it has puffed out slightly at the waist, a small kind of bell skirt was created. The top half was tight to my body, showing off the curve of my breast and my small waist. It had cap sleeves that puffed slightly at the top. The top showed no cleavage, it was higher than my usual dress. It was just underneath my collarbones and a rounded neck.

My hair was twisted up into a confusing kind of bun, with slightly curled tendrils hanging down, my make-up was light, but visible. My eyelashes were even thicker and longer than usual and my skin looked flawless. I had a small streak of green eyeliner across my upper lid and a small amount at the bottom, under my lashes. My lips were shiny, I supposed it was some sort of lip-gloss.

I looked pretty. I stood up on tip toe imagining heels. I stood back down on my heels and scrutinised myself. It wasn't really me, I was never one for dressing up much. In fact in the Manor I didn't really know who I was. Because I was not myself, I was just Malfoy's belonging. I dressed how he wanted me to, I spoke how he wanted to.

I was just a possession. Nothing more nothing less. I looked like the pureblood women from downstairs except I lacked a mask, as it was a masked ball. It was very _Romeo and Juliet_ to me, except no love would be found at that ball and there was no dressing up in some kind of fancy dress. Just beautiful dresses and expensive suits.

The door opened and our eyes met in the mirror, he took in my outfit and then his eyes met mine once again.

"That's again the law." He told me.

"Yes." I agreed.

"Why did you do it then?" I shrugged.

"I didn't mean to, I was just thinking." I murmured. He walked over and stood behind me. He turned me to him and pointed his wand at my dress. Instead of changing it back he murmured a spell and the top of the dress became a sweetheart neckline showing an ample amount of cleavage, the sleeves stayed the same.

Then he said something else and the skirt shortened slightly, so it was to mid-thigh. He walked to his cupboard and rummaged about in the bottom before handing me a pair of black slip on heels. I raised my eyebrows at him in question. "A date of mine forgot her shoes one morning. Put them on." I did, they were too big, he spoke a shrinking spell and the shoes moulded to fit my small feet. I was unsure of what he was going to gain from the shoes and changing the dress. He walked back a few paces and looked me over. He walked to his desk and pulled some cufflinks from a draw. He transfigured them into a pair of small diamond earrings, he handed them to me and I put them on.

He took a necklace of pearls from a draw and turned me around to the mirror, he fastened it behind my neck. His hands were warm on my skin. He pulled his own mask from his pocked and placed it on his face. It was magic so stuck to his skin, fitting his face perfectly. Muggle masks with elastic round them or just held on a stick seemed so juvenile in comparison. He rummaged about in another draw in his chest of drawers and pulled out another mask, it was plain and I assumed that you were meant to transfigure it however you wanted. I didn't recognise the spells he spoke but it turned a forest green colour, to match my dress, with silver swirls on it.

He turned to me and pressed it to my face, I felt it mould to my skin and he moved away standing next to me in the mirror. His wore a black suit with a dark green bow-tie. It matched my dress. I noticed his cufflinks were also a dark green colour.

We matched and looked so perfect in the mirror.

It was perfection, but the wrong kind of perfection, because it was lies behind a veil. What was real was hidden, it had been glossed over and all people would see was what they wanted to. _A beautiful couple._

"My date couldn't come. You'll do though." He said, my eyes widened and I turned to stare at him.

"I'm a muggleborn." I said.

"I know, you'll just be Mia for the night, a rich pureblood. Okay?" He asked.

"I can't." I said.

"You can and you will. You'll be with me all the time, I trust you not to mess this up Mia." He drawled my name and smirked at me. "You do look like the perfect pureblood. I trust you've read a book on how purebloods act?" He asked in a mocking fashion, I sighed.

"I've read a book on practically everything." I said.

"Noone will recognise you, say your surname is Gray if anyone asks and make up shit about your family." He said taking my hand and putting it in the crook of my elbow before leading me out the room

I wanted to ask why he had beautiful pearls in one of his drawers and why he couldn't ask someone else to do it.

But I didn't.

* * *

**Dun dun dun... What's gonna happen next?**

**I like this chapter myself, do you?  
**


	16. P

___'_We masquerade around this floor  
But no one seems to see what we are,  
These masks they hide it all forgetting who we were_.'  
- The Masks Her Aid __by__ To Be Juliet's Secret_

_**16. P **_  
He led me out his room and I stopped and turning to him.

"I'm not wearing any knickers." I said.

"I know." He replied.

"What if my dress blows up or something your guests will all see that I'm not wearing anything underneath?" I asked him.

"It'll be fine." He said leaning forwards so his mouth was beside my ear, his breath there making me shiver. "It means easier access for me." He murmured, his hands pushing up the back of my dress and across my backside. I wriggled away from him, he smirked and wrapped an arm around my waist. "Let's go." He said and we walked down the hallway and then down the grand staircase, I could hear the laughter and chatter of the upper class as we walked down the stairs.

The grand oak doors were opened and as we walked through the door people began to whisper and stare at us. Well, they stared at me, most likely wondering who the girl on Draco Malfoy's arm was.

"Draco darling!" A woman's voice cried, it was Narcissa Malfoy. I realised how ironic it was that her name was Narcissa. Almost like Narcissistic. She did seem quite self centered.

**Narcissistic** – _noun._

_1. Inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity._

_2. Psychoanalysis__. __Erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development._

"Mother." He said and I smiled at Narcissa Malfoy, "This is my date Mia Gray." He told her, she leant forwards and I kissed each of her cheeks.

"Lovely to meet you." She said. "Do you like my dress?" She asked stepping backwards so we could get a better view. She wore a mask but was easily recognisable, with her long blonde locks and self righteous air to her. She wore a floor length dress, it was a sliver colour and had hints of blue and white to it as the light caught it. Her mask was only covering half of her pale face, it was silver too with intricate black patterns on it. It was only to as high as above her eyebrows and then across half her nose, at the bottom of her nose it curved around in a kind of half circle and ended below her ear. She wore large diamond earrings and a beautiful necklace set with small diamonds and then a large diamond at the centre. Her outfit probably cost more than my parents house.

"Lovely mother."

"The dress is truly magnificent Mrs Malfoy." I said politely

"Call me Cissa darling." She said and smiled at me. "I've never heard of you before, where are you from then?" She asked.

"Well my parents and I are English, but moved to the states when I was younger and have been there ever since, I was just on a visit here to see family when I met Draco." I said thinking on the spot.

"And you're a pureblood?" She asked.

"Of course mother." Malfoy said sounding affronted.

"I come from a long line of purebloods." I told Narcissa, the lie easily rolling off my tongue.

"I didn't mean to cause offence Mia, I can't have my son with anything but the best."

"I understand and completely agree." I smiled at her.

"So you went to a magical school in America then?" She asked, I nodded.

"Yes, The Luxe, it's a very prestigious school, it's in Alaska." I told her, I was thankful that I knew so much about the world, all the books I had read and information I had memorised always paid off in the end.

"Oh, I think I've heard of it. Yes, I've heard it's huge isn't it?" I nodded.

"Yes, it's one of three schools in the states for those who practice magic." I told her.

"Were there many mudbloods at The Luxe?" She asked, I shrugged lightly, immune to the offence.

"A few, I can't say I really ever talked to any of them. Below my station." I said and chuckled arrogantly.

"Quite right, there were far too many mudbloods at Hogwarts weren't there Draco?" Narcissa said.

"Yes, far too many, everywhere you went they were there. They shouldn't have been allowed." He said.

"Quite right, the sooner they're all gone the better." I said and laughed.

"Yes. Quite right." Malfoy said and kissed my cheek, smiling at me when he pulled back, I smiled back and put my hand to my neck, fiddling with the chain of pearls around my neck. Narcissa frowned, leaning forwards and staring at the pearls, she then looked at Draco.

"The Malfoy pearls Draco?" She asked staring at me, her icy blue eyes locking with my own.

"Yes, Mia didn't have a necklace." He said.

"You know what those pears signify Draco." She said looking at me again then frowning, "You don't even know do you?" She asked, the confusion in my eyes said enough.

"Mother." Draco said, trying to stop her speaking, she reached out her hand and caught the pearls between her fingertips, frowning at them, she dropped her hand after a second and smiled at me.

"Those pearls have been passed down through generations of Malfoy's for years and years. As soon as the first son is of age to marry he is given the pearls to give to the woman he chooses. Only a suitable wife can wear them properly, that says a lot about you Mia. They can be worn by anyone, but only a woman who would be a perfect Malfoy wife can wear them and they will be truly white and perfect. The true colour of pearls, any person could wear them but they would be slightly yellow, discoloured imperfect, even black if truly unacceptable. You wear them and they are perfectly white and their true colour. They glow." She told me, and I turned to Malfoy confused as to why he would even let me wear them. "Very few women have worn those pearls and not become a Malfoy wife." She said staring at Draco. I fiddled with the pearls around my neck, it was an interesting tradition.

"And what qualities do perfect Malfoy wives have to have to make the pearls so perfect?" I asked.

"They must be beautiful and passionate, typically only sleeping with the Malfoy heir. I would think that's true in your case as they are so very perfect. Loyal, Malfoy wives must be loyal to their husbands to the very end, a certain amount of bravery and cunning involved. Capable of raising Malfoy children to the highest of standards. They should be honest with their husbands and they should be able to lie with more skill than others, typically Slytherin qualities although the bravery and loyalty is terribly Gryffindor. In fact I matched all those qualities perfectly, the pearls were perfect around my neck." She told us, the last part arrogantly.

"Oh, the Hogwarts houses?" I asked.

"Yes." Malfoy said. "Most Malfoy's are Slytherin's, never a Gryffindor the occasional Hufflepuff, only the very best Ravenclaw's but the majority of Slytherin's." She told me.

"Can the necklace only be worn by those pure of blood?" I asked Malfoy. Already knowing the answer.

"Sadly not, anyone could wear it even a muggle but as a Malfoy would never marry a mudblood or muggle. And anyway I doubt there are any mudbloods or muggles with such qualities." She said, I laughed with her.

"Of course not." I agreed with her.

The fool.

"Anyway, mother I have other guests to talk to." Malfoy said, leading me away, his arm wrapping around my neck, I chuckled and grinned up at him.

"No mudbloods would have such attributes would they Draco darling?" I asked mockingly, he sighed as he looked down at me and shrugged.

"You're obviously an anomaly."

"Oh aren't I just the little exception." I agreed.

"Don't let it get to your head." He said.

"Well I am destined to be your wife Draco, I think our arrogance should match really." I said sarcasm ringing in my voice.

"You will never be my wife." He said quietly.

"Oh, what a shame, it was my dream." I said sarcastically and sighed.

"Well then you should dream on." He said, I laughed at the comment. "Do you dream of me then?" He asked smirking.

"Don't let it go to your head, they're hardly the nicest of dreams." I told him.

"Draco!" A voice cut him off from replying, Blaise Zabini was walking towards us.

"Hello Blaise, are you well?" He asked the other man.

"Yes thankyou Draco, wonderful. What happened to Astoria?" He asked looking at me.

"She was tiresome." He said, "This is Mia Gray, my date for the night." He said.

"Lovely to meet you." He said and smiled at me, sticking out his hand as if to shake, I obliged and placed my hand in his, instead of shaking it he raised it to his lips and kissed it smiling flirtatiously at me, I pulled my hand back after a second and glanced up at Malfoy.

"Can we get some drinks Draco, I'm parched." I asked smiling up at him, he nodded and smirked at me, I was being the perfect date, only wanting attention from the man I was with because I knew that if I showed him up I would be in deep shit…

"Of course, see you later Blaise." He said leading me away, he chuckled.

"Why could he touch me?" I asked confused.

"I took the charm off for the night, you will need to shake hands with men and we can't have you burning them." He told me and I nodded.

I sipped the drink he handed me and looked around the room, the dresses all the women wore were truly spectacular and the men's suits were just as perfect.

"Draco, how are you?" A woman's voice asked, he turned around, his drink in his hand, I too turned to take in Pansy Parkinson. She smiled happily at him and kissed his cheek.

"Fine thankyou Pansy, yourself?" He asked.

"Wonderful." She said and took me in from beside Draco.

"Pansy I want you to meet, Mia, my date." He said.

"I love your hair!" She gushed and I smiled at her, her dress was a turquoise colour and strapless, it was to just above her knees and she wore incredibly high matching shoes with what I supposed were real diamonds embedded in them. Her mask was white and had turquoise swirls across it, her dark blue eyes looked stunning. Her hair was such a dark brown it was practically black, she had it in a style so that it was a bob, but longer at the front with a perfect little fringe. She had grown into her looks, she was never that attractive but in adulthood she looked far prettier. She smiled at me and we kissed cheeks

"Thanks. Those shoes are incredible where did you get them?" I asked.

"I had them imported from Italy, they were made by this wonderful designer called Alexandres Mayonachi, you might not have heard of him, he's only just started out."

"No I haven't, I might just have to have a look at some of his designs." I said, "I have to say though that I adore Marissa Spalder's designs have you heard of her?" I asked, plucking a name of a designer I had heard of when Parvati and Lavender used to talk about clothes and boys in our shared dormitory.

"Yes, she is incredible, I like that she does vintage and new stuff too, her dresses are heavenly, but incredibly expensive."

"That is the sad truth." I said sighing.

"I like your dress?" Who made that?" She asked, I chuckled and looked down.

"I did, Draco asked me last minute so I had to quickly transfigure an old gown of mine."

"Well I love it, simple but elegant." She chuckled, "Though I would never be quite as brave as you to have it quite so low cut, although as you have the figure for it, why not flaunt it." She smiled.

"I don't usually wear such daring outfits but Draco insisted." I said, Pansy laughed.

"Of course, how typically Draco Malfoy. He likes to flaunt the fact he always has the most beautiful girl on his arm." Pansy sighed.

"It's in my nature, I can't help it." He shrugged, wrapping an arm around my waist again and pulling me lightly to him.

"Oh God, here comes Astoria, she looks positively mad." Pansy sighed. "Utterly clueless that girl." She informed me, I chuckled.

"Who is she?" I asked.

"Draco's ex, she's not the brightest spark out there it be honest with you." Pansy said quietly, we both laughed at Astoria's expense, she stopped in front of us.

"Draco." She gushed, the fixed me with a death glare.

"Tori, this is Mia." Pansy said, and smiled at her, I stuck out a hand, she shook it briefly then dropped it like it was dirt.

"Nice to meet you Mia." She said, her tone of voice told me otherwise. She wore a black dress that was floor length and incredibly elegant, showing off her small waist, the bodice of her dress was quite low cut revealing some cleavage. Her hair was light brown and had been curled so it fell loosely around her small shoulders, her skin was lightly tanned and she smiled a little at me, revealing her small white teeth. When I saw her I realised just how young she was, she must have only been about 17 years old, maybe even younger. I wondered why she wasn't at school, I assumed that maybe they had a holiday.

"And you Astoria." I said, her mask was completely black and the same style as my own, except the colour was different. I wondered what her life was like, I wondered if she truly did love Malfoy, or if it was all about social climbing.

"You didn't waste much time in finding someone new." Astoria said to Malfoy, he shrugged.

"I've never been a time waster." He told her indifferently.

"I go back to Hogwarts on Monday, you will owl won't you?" She asked, he shrugged.

"We're not together anymore Astoria." He told her, her eyes filled with tears.

"You said we could be friends." She said hopelessly.

"I don't know Tori." He said, she brushed away her tears and I felt so much pity for her, she was so young.

"I see." She said before walking away.

"You didn't need to be quite so horrible to the poor girl Draco." I said disapprovingly looking up at him, he shrugged.

"I'm going to go find Daphne, she'll sort out Astoria and you are a bastard Draco Malfoy." Pansy said smiling and then kissed his cheeks regardless, chuckling lightly, and kissed my cheeks before leaving.

"See you later Mia." She said and walked away.

"Let's dance." He said and guided me to the floor, already filled with elegant couples dancing. My arms wrapped around his neck and his were on my waist as we swayed like everyone else around us, I was about a head shorter than him even with the shoes, my head was to about his shoulder. I could feel eyes on us, people scrutinising me to see if I was good enough for Draco Malfoy. After a few songs he stopped dancing and I glanced up at him.

"Come on." He said taking my hand and we began to walk through the couples to the other side of the room.

"Draco, how are you?" A man asked as we walked, he stopped and then grinned at another man.

"I'm good thanks, you?" He asked him,

"Fine thanks, and who's the pretty lady?" He asked smiling at me.

"Mia Gray, this is Marcus Flint." He said.

"Lovely to meet you." I said, he kissed my cheeks politely.

"And yourself." He said, he was tall and very well muscled, he had an air of danger about him. He intimidated me slightly but I smiled anyway. He was far taller and wider than Malfoy. I remembered him from my Hogwarts days, particularly violent and typically Slytherin. The quidditch captain.

"How's it going with Pansy?" Draco asked, I frowned.

"You and Pansy are together?" I asked Marcus, he nodded and smiled.

"Yeah, it's been a year now, she's a great girl. I'm going to pop the question soon, don't tell her though. I want it to be a surprise." He said and grinned.

"Your secret is safe with me, I have no doubt she'll say yes." Malfoy said.

"See you then." Marcus said and then Draco began leading me away, I turned and watched Marcus's retreating figure, I couldn't really imagine him with the petite and proper Pansy Parkinson.

"Do you think she will say yes?" I asked Malfoy, he nodded.

"She's infatuated with him, she'll do anything he wants." He told me.

"Infatuation and not love?" I asked curious, he shrugged.

"Ask her yourself, she seemed to like you." He said as we carried on.

"Having a good night Draco?" Theodore's unmistakeable voice asked.

"Very well thanks Theo, you?" He asked.

"Yes, although the pretty little Catalina Zabini seems to have taken a fancy to me, if she wasn't so young and Blaise would kill me, I can't say I'd mind." He told Malfoy, who chuckled.

"16 isn't she?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'll wait a few years." He grinned, he glanced at me beside Malfoy and frowned. "You seem familiar." He said.

"I doubt it, she's from America." He told him.

"Does _she_ have a name?" He asked.

"Mia." Theo chuckled raising an aristocratic eyebrow at Malfoy before leaning forwards and kissing my cheeks, his lips remaining by my ear.

"Why hello pretty little Hermione." He whispered before pulling away. "What you playing at Draco?" He asked, still amused.

"I couldn't find a date." He said.

"Astoria had been crying for ages, Daphne and I were just in the middle of an interesting conversation when Pansy dragged her away. I'm sure you could have taken her." He said.

"She's boring." Malfoy said.

"She's a pureblood." Theo said.

"She doesn't act like one. Granger does a better job of being pureblood than her and she isn't even pureblood." He said quietly, glancing around to make sure noone heard.

"True, well as long as noone finds out you're fine. You certainly scrub up well." He said looking at me then chuckled, "Mia." He then added at the end, drawling it before smirking.

"See you later." He said before leaving, grinning at me. We walked on towards a girl with dark blonde hair.

"Tracey how are you?" Malfoy asked, I recognised her from Hogwarts, I distinctly remember she was friendly with Daphne Greengrass, the two were usually seen together.

"Fine, how are you?" She asked him, she didn't really sound 'fine' her eyes were watering and she looked like she was about to burst into tears.

"Are you okay?" I asked alarmed, putting out a hand towards her.

"No!" She said and began to cry, I patted her arm, unsure of what to do.

"What's wrong?" I asked her, "Come on, shall we go to the bathroom?" I asked, she nodded, I glanced at Draco as I lead her away, he nodded and began to talk to a man near him.

We entered the large bathroom and I turned to the other girl, she had pulled her pink mask from her face and had shoved it on the surface before collapsing onto the toilet seat. The door flew open and then slammed shut a second after as Daphne Greengrass walked in with a flourish of her light green dress.

"Tracy?" She asked and flashed me a smile. Tracey continued crying so Daphne turned to me.

"You may have helped to break my sisters heart but Draco was all wrong for her anyway and Pansy said you were a nice girl, so you must be, because Pansy doesn't really like anyone." She said all in one breath and chuckled, sticking out an elegant hand, I shook it.

"I'm Mia, are you Daphne then?" I asked, playing along with my role, she nodded.

"Lovely to meet you darling." She said, "I told Pansy to come too, we need a bit of Pansy when Tracey gets like this." She said.

"What's happened?" I asked.

"Blaise Zabini has a new girlfriend." She said and sighed.

"Does she like him then?"

"Like? Tracey adores him." She told me, the door was pushed open and Pansy stepped in.

"Hello ladies." She said smiling before turning to Tracy. "Tracy Tracey Tracey." She said sighing, Tracy looked up at her and tried to hold in a sob, her eyes were red and puffy and mascara was streaked down her face, she wasn't a particularly beautiful looking girl, rather plain in my opinion. She had freckles, a small slightly ski-jump nose, her eyes were hazel and I had noticed when I first saw her before she broke down that her eyelashes were extraordinarily long. Even with the mascara all smeared down her face and slumped together. I wondered idly if they were charmed, or naturally such a length. She sniffed.

"Why doesn't he notice me?" She cried standing up and staring into the mirror, she seemed to be of average build, and height.

"Because he's a prick." Pansy said.

"He doesn't deserve you." Daphne agreed picking at her fingernails with a bored expression on her face, she and Astoria were quite alike, they had the same heart shaped face and definitely the same nose. Although where Astoria had light green eyes Daphne had startling bright blue eyes. She had a few freckled across her nose and was tall and elegant.

"Have you told him you like him?" I asked, puling myself up onto the counter, next to the sink and leaning back against the mirror, she shook her head sadly, staring at herself in the mirror.

"Why, he seems like the kind of guy who would like it if girls told him they fancied him?" I told her.

"How could he like a girl like me? I'm not pretty like you three, I don't have a perfect figure and a stunning face or a tiny waist!" She cried, I shrugged.

"You are pretty Tracy and if you don't like your body do something about it then." Daphne sighed.

"Diet, or go to that special healer who can give you the perfect body you want." Pansy said.

"I'm not rich like you Pansy." She said sadly.

"So exercise lots, and work out. You'll get there eventually if you really think it's what Blaise would like." I shrugged.

"Blaise only likes skinny girls, that's why he slept with Daphne and Pansy." They both looked guilty.

"And they knew you fancied him?" I asked, they looked even guilty.

"How like best friends we are." Pansy said sarcastically, I frowned.

"What does that mean?" I asked, she shrugged.

"You know those bitchy girls who say they're best friends but bitch terribly about each other and sleep with the guys the others fancy." Pansy said

"Yeah, the three of us, and Millicent I guess, were the bitches of Slytherin we were the little gang who everyone was scared of. We were the gossips and bitches." Daphne said. "I was the gossip, Pansy was just the huge bitch, Millicent was brute force and Tracey was that sneaky girl who everyone likes and tells their secrets to, but always brought it back to us." Daphne said, I laughed.

"We were the perfect little group." Pansy said.

"And secretly you all had something against each other." I guessed.

"Pretty much spot on there Mia." Tracey said, as she fixed her make-up in the mirror with her wand.

"Can we go, this is boring?" Daphne asked, glancing at Tracy, who had fixed herself up.

"Let's go." Pansy said and I jumped down as we walked out the door.

"I'll find Draco." I said, he was leaning against a wall talking to his mother and father, he saw me and beckoned me over.

"See you later." I said.

"Bye bye." Pansy said leading Tracey away with Daphne striding along ahead, I stopped beside Draco and he pulled me to him, his arm around my waist.

"Father, this is Mia, my date for the evening."

"Ah yes, Narcissa told me about you." He said holding out his hand to me, I took it to shake and he briskly kissed the top of it before smiling a little at me. He and his son were very alike, same aristocratic features and an air of importance to them.

"Lovely to meet you Mr Malfoy." I said.

"Lucius." He corrected, I nodded.

"Mia and I are going to get some air, I shall talk to you later father." He said, the other man nodded and I waved lightly at his parents before being lead away. Malfoy grabbed his cloak on the way and wrapped it around his shoulders. We walked across the room and then out of a door and into a corridor and another room with a few people in and then onto a large balcony. I could see the lights from the ballroom through an open window and people dancing were visible.

"What was wrong with Tracey?" He asked.

"Oh Blaise got a new girlfriend and she likes him." I answered.

"Still? Merlin, I thought she grew out of that one in 5th year." He said staring out over the grounds.

"Evidently not." I replied and leant forwards pressing myself against the balcony wall and looked down, onto the grounds below us.

"Going to jump?" He asked watching me, I gave him a dirty look before looking straight ahead. "Don't get pissy Granger." He said sighing and watching me, I glanced at him.

"Don't be a prick Malfoy." I replied, he laughed and turned me around, pressing me against the balcony. He smirked at me and pressed his lips to mine.

We stood on the balcony, Malfoy's body was pressed up against mine as we kissed, it was surprisingly pleasant as I was so caught up in the moment I had forgotten what a prick he was. His cloak was wrapped around him and me too, it was a long black cloak and covered bother our bodies from the chill and from prying eyes. As it was behind my back too.

As we kissed I felt one of his hands on my inner thigh, the other behind my back. I felt a small moan pass through my lips as he traced seductive patterns, his fingers getting higher and higher until he was brushing my slick entrance with one finger, I moaned lightly, my hands fisting into his hair, he chuckled pulling away and suckling lightly on my earlobe.

"You've got to be quiet or people won't believe we're just getting some air out here." He whispered into my ear and I bit my lip to keep the moan in as he began to brush my clit with his skilled fingers. He pressed his lips to mine again and I gladly welcomed his tongue into my mouth, holding in the moans I wanted to release because of the things he was doing to me. "Do you promise to be quiet?" He asked smirking at me.

"I promise." I whispered, his fingers brushed against my entrance and I let out a strangled gasp, my eyes squeezing shut, he chuckled and entered a finger inside of me, I pulled his face back to me again and kissed him desperately.

We kissed as he entered another finger into me, so his two fingers pumped in and out of me, his thumb rubbing my clit. He pulled back from kissing me as his fingers worked harder in and out of my entrance, his forehead pressed again mine, my eyes were half lidded, and I was breathing heavily as I felt the pleasure building. My legs were weak and I was glad of his body pressed again me, holding me in place, or I felt I would have fallen to the ground on my jelly knees. My eyes closed tightly as he pressed my clit hard with his thumb and I felt my walls contracting, he kept his fingers thrusting into me as I clenched around them.

His lips pressed to mine as I came, I moaned quietly into his mouth as my orgasm finished. His fingers stopped thrusting into me and he took his hands out from under my skirt, his forehead pressing against mine again. I closed my eyes breathing hard as I tried to compose myself. One of my arms was on the back of his neck and the other was in his hair.

After a few minutes he pulled away and took a step back from me, I straightened out my dress, raising my hands to my head, and patting my hair down. He grinned at me, wrapping an arm around my waist and leading me thought the room and through the hall and into the large ballroom, he leant into me, his mouth at me ear.

"Aren't you glad I didn't make give you wear any knickers?" He asked quietly, I blushed ten shades of red and looked at my feet, he chuckled and lead me farther into the large ballroom.

The night went by in a flourish, I stayed glued to Draco's arm as we socialised and Theo smirked at me every time I met his eyes. Daphne waved at me in passing and Tracey smiled at me over Blaise's shoulder as she unsuccessfully tried to flirt with him. I wasn't forced to talk to Lucius Malfoy again and the narcissistic Narcissa stayed away. I watched the unlikely couple of the petite Pansy and large Marcus Flint dancing, she was looking up at him with awe filled eyes. Astoria glared at me as I got a drink from the drinks table and I looked away.

* * *

**So it's a bit of a mood change. But that's life, we change our minds all the time.  
On reflection I don't like this chapter as much as I orignally did.  
Do you like it?  
**


	17. Q

_**17. Q**__- So who's gonna hold you when you cry?_  
And it's ridiculous to think/hope/pray/wish that I will get out of this, get out of here alive. Because I most certainly will not. We will die here, alone/desperate/desolate/broken. Even if by some tiny chance/miracle/fluke/act of God we do survive what will be left in the world anyway? What kind of troubles/woes/terrors/tragedies will we face in the outside world?

I was always that little girl with her head in the clouds, wishing I could live my fairytale and have my happily ever after. I always dreamt of fairytales/castles/happily ever afters/princesses, as a child, when they were all but a dream. I got my letter and it was reality/plausible/true/dreamlike and everything was wonderful/perfect/incredible/fairytale like and I was going to my very own castle, Hogwarts. There would be dragons/unicorns/wands/magic.

As a child I was a dreamer, I used to read books for the magic/adventure/distant lands/prince charming. Not for the knowledge like people thought I did at Hogwarts, the textbooks where my very own little fairytales. I was awed/insipred/incredulous/deperate for more. That was why I read so many books, because my hopeless little daydreams/imaginings/fantasies/musings were all somehow real. I was in a world full of magic and my hunger for knowledge was because I wanted to remember it all to tell to my parents. I wanted the knowledge and the belief in all things magical.

The large room was completely empty, the silence was unnerving after the chatter and laughter of the upper class. I've always been good at fitting in. Different people need different personalities and different knowledge. When I talked with Ravenclaw's I could be as clever as I liked, talking about things Harry and Ron wouldn't understand and I dare say never would really care about knowing. Ravenclaw's need you to be straight and blunt, you couldn't ever beat about the bush and say things to make others feel better.

Sometimes I wondered if I should have been in Ravenclaw. With the knowledge and bluntness and others to share your findings with. Sometimes in Gryffindor I felt almost like an outsider, of course I am brave and loyal and all things a Gryffindor should be, but I am clever and have a hunger for knowledge. I poured over books for hours in the library and thirsted for knowledge like no other in my house.

Harry and Ron always needed me, because I knew things they didn't and because I could put Harry's plans into action. I knew things they needed to know and it worked to our advantage. I was the brains, Ron the ever loyal friend and the light heartedness we needed in times of peril. I think it was Ron who bound us together, he was almost like our glue. And Harry. Harry was just _the boy who lived_. The one that could save the world, we were his loyal helpers. He needed us as much as we needed him. Without Ron and I, Harry would have been alone and desperate. I don't think that he would have gotten as far as he did before Voldemort killed him.

He needed us. I sometimes feel we let him down. We failed. We weren't enough to save him. We should have done more and come up with a better plan and actually succeeded. He was always the hero, that's why he went to face Voldemort alone and that is why he died. He went because he didn't want anymore people to be killed. His death just made it possible for Voldemort to truly begin his quest for muggles and muggleborns to die. For the supposedly superior race, _purebloods_ to live and the irony of it is that Voldemort himself was a half-blood.

I don't blame Harry, I never could. No one does. That's the truth, we mourn the loss of a great boy who _could_ have been our saviour. People forget we were only children. Only children in our late teens fighting a man with immense power. It seems almost inevitable now, looking back in hindsight that we would fail. But then hindsight is such a powerful and depressing kind of insight to have. It's torturous and fills you with regrets and the knowledge of _what went fucking wrong_.

We did our best. What more could be asked of children?

As I stood in the middle of the large grand ballroom I wondered why I was there, why I was alive when others were dead. Why was I accepted into the pureblood society when I was on Malfoy's arm? Why was it that we had come in a full circle? I had truly loathed him and wished him dead, I had hated him with a passion. Yet I let him lead me around on his arm, like a little possession or trophy girlfriend.

Fear and terror does funny things to you. I didn't want the torment I knew he would inflict on me if I was not the perfect date. It was funny to be on his arm, to be analysed and contemplated by the upper class. To be someone else. If I was a pureblood that would be my life, it seems incredibly simple and easy. I made myself into someone else, my name was Mia Gray. I attended The Luxe in America, Alaska. I moved to the States when I was only a little girl. All lies but they rolled easily from my tongue. In great peril I find it easier to lie and to pretend.

The walls were covered in grand and bold colour, the floor was wood polished to perfection. Even the table with drinks and canapés seemed perfectly polished and neat and tidy. The chandelier's hung from the ceiling in all their beautiful glory. The ceiling had a large intricate pattern right in the middle of the room and it was rather hypnotising. There was a beautiful black grand piano in one corner of the room. It would have been nice if it was played. But it wasn't, Malfoy had obviously set up some kind of magical music, to be amplified around the room.

It was a beautiful room and all the people at the ball fit in it perfectly, it was large and grand, maybe too grand. I met few people at that ball who were not arrogant or self centred. They were all rich and they all knew just how powerful they were. I heard insults and jokes made at the expense of muggles and muggleborns and each other of course. But I let it slide. Because they were ignorant and stupid, they were set in their ways and years and years in the past.

I heard a giggled and then footsteps and quiet chatter.

"Stop it Evie." I heard Sophie giggled, I turned and watched them as they each grabbed a canapé and popped it into their mouths, Evie turned, laughing and saw me, they both stopped dead and looked nervous.

"Sorry miss, we're just tidying up. Did you want us to show you to the master's rooms?" Evie asked. I pulled the mask from my face and pulled my hair from its intricate hairstyle.

"It's me." I said walking over.

"Mia?" Sophie asked shocked, I popped a canapé into my mouth too and nodded.

"Malfoy needed a date and apparently I was the right one." I said.

"But you're muggleborn." Sophie said.

"Noone recognised me and he said to tell people my name was Mia Gray and I was a pureblood." I told them.

"Wow." Evie said, "What was it like?" Evie asked, I shrugged.

"I saw people I went to school with, they didn't recognise me. Well Theodore did but I don't think he was going to tell." I said, and shrugged. "Well if he did it would be Malfoy that would be screwed not me." I told them.

"Quite right Granger." Malfoy said and we all turned around. "Clear up you too and you come with me." He said looking at me, I smiled at the younger girls.

"Bye." I said before following Malfoy up to his room.

I shut the door behind me and turned to him. He looked me up and down slowly then met my eye.

"You did well you know." He said.

"Thanks?" I asked, because I was unsure if that was what he wanted or not. I undid the string of pearls from my neck and put my hand out to him, he reached out and took them. "Why on earth did you give them to me to wear?" I asked him.

"You needed a necklace." He said, I clicked my tongue in annoyance.

"That's hardly an explanation." I told him, he shrugged and placed them back in his draw.

"I was curious." He told me.

"Right, I could have just worn them here for you to see what colour they turned instead of letting your mother see and now she expects things." I said.

"Like what?" He asked.

"Marriage!" I asked him angrily. "How are you going to explain than if I was supposedly the perfect Malfoy wife? Jesus you just don't think." I hissed.

"Jesus?" He asked.

"Yes, Jesus!" I said.

"What is that?" He asked, it all clicked and I realised that another thing the wizarding world didn't seem to have much of was religion.

"Do you know about God?" I asked.

"A higher being, a few really weird wizards and witches, mainly mudbloods and half-bloods believe he supposedly created us." He sneered.

"Well Jesus, in some muggle religions, is said to be the son of God." I told him.

"God can't have children." He sneered.

"Well he supposedly sent an angel to a woman called Mary, often called the 'virgin Mary' and told her that she would be having the son of God and he was to be called Jesus. He could make miracles happen, cure the blind and part the sea and things." I told him.

"How could she have a child if she was a virgin?" He asked.

"That's the point, God made it happen, he didn't actually have sex with her, he just made it happen. Well that is if you believe in God and religion or on whether or not it was all fluke. There are scientific reasons behind all the things Jesus is said to have done."

"Ahh ever the believer in good hard facts aren't you. You don't believe in this Jesus?" He queried, I shrugged, "Or God."

"It's a nice thought, some omniscient being is watching over us and has a plan. There are too many arguments against God and I just can't find it in myself to believe in something that hasn't been proved. I just don't work like that." I told him, he nodded.

"I see. And anyway apparently he's omnipotent but then surely there would be no bad things." He said.

"Exactly, that's just one of many counter arguments." I agreed with him and stood awkwardly after realising what I had done. Agreeing with the enemy.

"Go get ready for bed then come back here." He said as he began to undress. I apperated away and into the confines of my room.

"Mia!" Lily cried, jumping up from my bed and hugging me tightly, she pulled back and sighed. "So Evie and Sophie were telling the truth." She said. "You look pretty." I laughed and patted her cheek.

"So do you my dear." I said and walked into the bathroom.

"Thanks."

"I've missed you. We haven't spoken for so long." I sighed.

"He's keeping you with him at all times."

"I have to go back once I've gotten ready for Bed." I said.

"I'm sorry for the other day." She said quietly looking at her hands. "I shouldn't have judged you like that, I do understand why you did it you know." She said looking up at me, I bit my lip and nodded to her to carry on. "I don't blame you Mia, I just, how come you get some pleasure out of it and I was left crying on the floor and so pathetic." She whispered and I pulled her into a hug.

"I'm sorry Lily." I whispered.

"Don't be, it's not your fault, I just…" She trailed off, "He doesn't let anyone else use you, sure the Blaise hand job thing. But…" She trailed off again and I pulled back to look at her face.

"Go on." I whispered.

"I just, you aren't lucky to someone who had never had this kind of thing happen to them, but in my eyes and Lauren's eyes and Rosie's eyes you are. Because we had to have so much pain. Jealousy and anger are such terrible emotions Mia." She whispered.

"I know." I murmured.

"It's not like you've had it easy, him torturing you in front of old friends and you went to school with him. But Mia, you…" She sighed, "You don't know how terrible it was that first night." She said softly.

"I can only imagine Lily." I whispered, "But at least I came along and you didn't have to endure it too long yes?" I asked her.

"Yes. Would it be horrible of me to thank you?" She asked, I laughed.

"Not to me." I said quietly then sighed as I removed myself from her embrace, I smiled a little at her, "I should take a shower and go back, or he'll get angry."

"Okay, I love you Mia, you know, I've never really had a best friend before, but I kind of think of you as one." She said quietly.

"Me too, you're my closest friend Lily, let's not stop okay?" I asked her.

"Promise." She whispered before kissing my cheek and then apparating away.

I got to Malfoy's room after quite a while and he frowned at me over the top of the book he was reading.

"What took you so long?" He asked, I shrugged a little as I got under the covers and lay on my back.

"Sorry." I whispered, not wanting him to hurt me, I had managed to banish the terror of that he was capable of while the ball went on, but it hit me with full force as I lay beside him under the covers. He put the book down and leant over me, I frowned up at him, lying tense under the sheets.

"Don't look so nervous, I'm not going to bite you." He said then smirked at me and laughed, leaning down to press his teeth to my neck before pulling back and staring at my face, "Or shall I?" He asked, I glared at him and rolled over, so my back was to him. He pulled me back and moved over me, "Don't turn your back to me." He said quietly and stared intently down at me as he trailed his hands up my body, I shivered as my body reacted to him, he smirked and leant down, pressing his lips to mine. I let myself thread my hands into his hair, keeping his lips on mine as his tongue delved into my mouth.

He froze suddenly and gasped in pain and stared up at him worried, he rolled off of me and gripped his inner left forearm, his face contorted in pain. He pulled his hand away for a few seconds to press his right hand to his head and I saw that it was the Dark Mark. It was funny and ridiculously unobservant of me to have not realised it was there. He had been naked in front of me enough times. Maybe it was like selective hearing, but _selective seeing_ and I just didn't want to acknowledge it.

He got out the bed and began to pull on his clothes hastily, with a look of slight pain on his face. He turned to me as he shoved his wand in his black robes and held the dark silver mask in his hand, I stared in slight horror at it. It had black patterns across it and I stared at him. The disgust invaded me as he put the mask to his face, I looked away and lay back down. Curling into myself, trying to erase the image of a Death Eater from my mind.

"You better still be here when I get back." He told me and then with a small pop he was gone. I allowed the horrified tears to fall down my cheeks as I cried a little.

Because it wasn't meant to be like this and I didn't like to think of Malfoy as a Death Eater, of course I knew he was and I knew he did terrible things. But I allowed that man to do things to me. I allowed him to… _make love_… to me? What the fuck am I on, making love is for couples and lovers and those that care for one another.

Malfoy and I fucked, that's it, there was no romance or beauty to it, just primal instinct. Sex, fucking, just plain pleasure, lust and desire. If love was involved he wouldn't have hurt me so and _making love_ is not for the likes of a Death Eater and a mudblood. We just did what is natural.

At that moment I hoped that maybe for once in my life I would make love and not fuck. Before I died I wanted a man to tell me he loved me and to rid my silly little insecurities from me. I wanted someone to hold me when I cried and to love me irrevocably even if he were to find out about the things that happened with Malfoy.

I wanted someone who knows when I'm sad or upset just by looking at me. I just want a man who fucking cares. Who truly really want for who I am. Who wants a bossy know-it-all whose virginity was taken by Draco Malfoy. Who fucked him. Who turned into a pathetic excuse of a person. I want someone to change me back and make me better.

As I thought those things, the thought of another man touching me, other than Malfoy, seemed almost like a terrible thing to happen and the tears fell heavier. Because even if I did get out of this life I wouldn't be able to love a man or be loved. Because he had already claimed me as his and the thought of being with anyone else made me feel so weird I can't even begin to describe it.

It must have been a few hours of my just lying in the large bed and thinking when I looked up as Malfoy apperated into the room. I waited for him to undress and get into the bed. He just stared blankly ahead, he held the Death Eater mask in his hand and the cloak was still around him.

"Malfoy?" I asked, he didn't move, it was like he didn't hear me. So I got out of the bed and walked towards him, I stood in front of him and looked up at him. I had never seen him look quite as vulnerable as he did then, his arctic eyes were haunted and pained. "Malfoy?" I asked again in a whisper, reaching out, pressing my fingertips to his wrist. He slowly looked down at me, he looked so empty, I opened my mouth, "Draco?" I all but whispered, I don't know why I used his first name but it just seemed right at that moment.

He looked even more pained then and looked away, I don't know quite what came over me, but I felt the need to help him, he had been okay to me before he left that night to go to the Death Eater meeting. I took the mask from his hand and removed the cloak from his shoulders. I folded the cloak over the back of his chair and then put the mask face down on the seat part of it. He still stood blankly, staring ahead. He was still wearing the white shirt from earlier, I unbuttoned it and pulled it from his broad shoulders, putting it on the back of the chair. I glanced up at him, he still stared ahead almost in shock, I bent down and unlaced his shoes, I lifted his foot and took the shoe off, I did the same to his other foot and left the shoes by his desk chair. I undid his belt and then unbuttoned and unzipped his smart black trousers they dropped to the floor and he stepped out of them for me, I placed them over the back of the chair and gently guided him to the bed, pushing the covers back, he lay down on his back and I walked around the other side and got in.

I rolled onto my side and stared at him, his eyes were transfixed on the ceiling, I didn't know whether I should speak or whether I should go.

"He's dead." He said to the silent room, his voice was quiet and his words came out rough.

"Who?" I asked in a whisper, not knowing who he could be talking about.

"My father." He said and rolled over, he pulled my body to his and pressed his face into my hair, I wrapped my arms and his neck and he tightened the grip of his arms around my waist. I ran a hand through his soft hair, not knowing quite what to do. He made a strangled kind of sound and his body shook lightly with sobs, I felt the wetness on my neck. I realised he was crying. That shocked me more than anything that night, the great and strong Draco Malfoy was crying. I made soothing noises as I comfortingly brushed my hands through his hair.

"It's going to be okay." I murmured.

"He's dead." He said into my neck, the shock in his voice was overwhelming, he let out a strangled cry. "I can't believe it, he's not meant to be dead." He whispered.

"Shhh." I said at a loss of what to say.

"He killed him." He said.

"Who?" I asked quietly, already knowing the answer.

"The Dark Lord." He murmured, hate lacing his words, "He fucking killed my father." He hissed. "The fucker." He hissed, I couldn't help but feel for him. His father was dead, at the hands of the man he practically worshipped.

"I know it hurts." I murmured, because I understood, all my friends were dead because of that man.

"I hate him." He whispered, "He made us all watch, make an example of him, he used crucio on him until he was practically insane. Then he…" He trailed off.

"What?" I asked, he pressed his face harder into my neck.

"He made me do it." He whispered, my own tears streamed down my face as I bit my lip hard, trying to hold in the sobs, "I didn't want to, but he said that I should kill him, show him how loyal I am." He said between sobs.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"I had to kill him and pretend like it didn't matter. The Dark Lord knew, he always knows, he knew it hurts. He made me fucking kill my dad." He whispered into my damp neck.

"I'm sure he would have understood."

"It doesn't make it any fucking better." He said angrily pulling back and glaring at me, the tear tracks on his face made him far less intimidating.

"I know, I'm sorry." I cried as the tears slipped down my own cheeks.

"I'm sorry." He said looking away.

"Me too. He would forgive you Draco, you're his son." I murmured.

"It was never meant to be like this." He whispered, "It was meant to all work out, we were going to win and father and mother would be fine. They'd die of old age or something. It was all going to work out." He said staring into my eyes, my tears intensified, he didn't look at me as the tears slipped down his cheeks.

I had never really seen a man cry before, especially not Malfoy anyway. I brushed away his tears, he looked up at me sadly.

"It'll be okay." I whispered, I don't know why I consoled him or showed him compassion, he had never shown me any when I was sad for the people I had lost. But at that moment I think I decided to be the bigger person. He nodded sincerely at me, briefly meeting my eyes before lying back down and pulling me to him, he didn't say anything else and there wasn't really anything more I could say. Lucius was a vile man who took many lives but he was still a father, and what son wouldn't mourn the loss of their father anyway?

That night I dreamt of my second encounter with Death Eaters as we tried to escape. The night Susan Bones and Justin Finch-Fletchley were murdered.

_We sat around the small fire in the dense woods, constantly looking over our shoulders, our ears peeled for the slightest noise in the surrounding area. I sat huddled beside Ginny as I stared into the fire. Susan Bones across the fire from us was being comforted by Katie Bell as she sobbed over Alicia and the death of her family. Justin sat staring off into space next to Susan, a comforting hand on her knee. He looked so lost in thought and the pained expression on his face made me glad I didn't know what he was thinking about. Probably death and the war and all the terrible things in life. _

_Ginny let out a sob beside me and Seamus next to her wrapped an arm around her shoulder._

"_Come on Ginny, it's going to be okay." I patted her knee like Justin had been, she leapt up after Seamus spoke and cried harder, he looked taken aback as she glared at him._

"_It's not going to be okay!" She cried, "Harry's dead, he's dead!" She cried and crumpled to the ground, I leant down beside her and pulled her to me as she hysterically cried, she latched onto me, "I love him!" She cried, "I love him and he's gone." She said, "He's gone and I need him." She whispered into the dark night. I felt my heart break for her, because Harry was her life and now he was gone. Cruelly snatched from us by Voldemort himself. Ginny's outburst made Susan cry harder and she buried her face in her hands as she sobbed. _

_We were a miserable bunch, we should have been a bunch of cheerful and happy teens, but we were not. We were a broken and lonely group of people who only had each other. We were lost and lonely and terrified of the long dark nights and the war that was raging all around us._

"_It's not fair." Susan said sadly, I glanced up at her, we all agreed, we all understood. "It's not fucking fair!" She yelled to the night, she should have kept quiet and not shouted. It was unnecessary and we all looked around in alarm. I sighed as I remembered the silencing charm around us. "He, he killed my family and …" She trailed off, Ginny lost the love of her life… Susan lost her family, we all lost so very much. _

"_Shh come on Susie." Justin said and she clutched onto him like he was all she had left, and in reality he probably was, he pulled her to him, so she was sitting on his lap. Clutched in his arms, she was curled into him. She looked like a fragile child wrapped in the embrace of her protector. We all knew that Justin and Susan were in some kind of relationship. I think it was because they were each others last hope, they slept together curled up on the floor each night, she, wrapped in his strong embrace. He had protected her with his life enough times, he risked his life whenever we were attacked, constantly looking out for her and firing spells at Death Eater's that dared try to do anything to her._

_I think we were all slightly jealous, Ginny overly so, because she didn't have Harry and seeing that Justin and Susan still had each other hurt. To see other lovers hurt her, because she couldn't have that. They were both Hufflepuff and whether they were involved even before the war I never asked. _

_I was happy that they had each other and that they loved each other, at least if they died they would know that they had at least loved another. I was merely jealous because I wanted someone to protect me with their life and wrap themselves around them at night, protecting me from the world. Ron and I verged on that relationship, but in the end I think I just loved him as a brother. And that hurt. Because Ron and I always seemed as if we would be together, we would be each other happily ever after. But then things never seem to go according to plan. _

_I glanced away as Justin and Susan began to hungrily kiss each other, my eyes locked with Seamus and I sadly smiled at him. He smiled back solemnly, and I said nothing of the dangers of venturing out alone as both Justin and Susan stood and ventured deeper into the woods. Their acts of passion were frequent and I said nothing because I didn't want deprive them of one another. It was dangerous and risky for us to spilt up but I turned a blind eye because empathy is a gift and a curse. Understanding can be a great wonder sometimes. _

_But not always. Sometimes it is a terrible feeling to possess and results in terrible things. Like the terrible curse of hindsight. _

_We heard Susan's scream of terror and not passion after a few minutes of silence. As one person we ran towards them. One Death Eater lay dead on the ground the other was in a fierce duel with Susan. Justin lay motionless on the mossy ground. _

"_Avada kedavra!" Susan screamed at the Death Eater and he fell to the ground, that seemingly harmless green light took his breath away. I knew it was a he by the body, all hard muscle, and leanness. The hideous masks on the Death Eater's matches, they were in dark grey and seemed like skulls. _

_Susan's cries made my heart break as she pulled at Justin, fruitlessly begging him to wake up. I watched as she grabbed the wand in Justin's hand, she had dropped hers to the ground as soon as she had killed and run to Justin's side. She turned to us as she pressed the wand to her temple, she gave us a shaky smile. _

"_Good luck." She whispered before taking her own breath away, "Avada kedavra." She said and then the light left her eyes and she lay beside Justin. Even in death they lay wrapped around each other, their clothing in disarray. _

_I always blamed myself for that death, I shouldn't have let them go, then Justin would not have died and Susan would not have taken her life. It had a hint of Shakespeare to it. Romeo and Juliet. Tragedy and romance all in one. A happy ending not even possible. _

My dreams slowly left me as I returned to consciousness. My memories of poor Susan and Justin's demise still fresh in my guilt ridden and pain stricken mind. I could feel warm breath on my face with the overpowering scent of alcohol, firewhiskey to be exact. I slowly opened my eyes and stared at Draco Malfoy's face, he was leaning across the bed and staring at me, I lay on my side facing him.

"You look really peaceful when you sleep." He slurred slightly and grinned at me, he pulled away and stood swaying on his feet with a half drunk bottle of firewhiskey in his hand. I sat up and frowned at him as he stared at me, his face was relaxed, and he was just intently watching me, a look of interest on his face. No sardonic smirk. He looked almost peaceful, the only other time I had seen him like this was when he slept. "You look quite pretty." He said before gulping down the liquid from the large bottle. He was drowning his sorrows in alcohol.

"Maybe you should stop drinking Malfoy?" I asked him moving closer to where he stood on the bed.

"People called my father Malfoy." He said staring at me sadly.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"Why the fuck are you sorry, you didn't even know him, you're probably hated him, you probably wished him dead!" He yelled at me.

"He was still your father." I said quietly, and he sighed and closed his eyes then opened them and leant forwards do his face was right up close to mine and I could taste the firewhiskey on his breath.

"Always so fucking moral." He whispered, "You're so right and proper and…" He trailed off and sighed, "And I have completely corrupted your innocence." He said cocking his head to the side lightly. I didn't know what to say to that, because in a way he had. He brought his left hand up and wrapped it around one of my unruly curls, "You're all soft and good and so moral." He sighed and then chuckled. "I envy that. You know. Because you're so sure that you're doing the right thing and that you're on the right side. And you're always right because you're Hermione Granger. The only person who ever dared slap me." He said and chuckled, "That fucking made me respect you because you did what no one else had ever done, neither my mother nor my father had ever raised a hand to me. And you, you lowly little mudblood girl dared to slap me and took my words away. You did what no pureblood or anyone would ever dare and you were brave about it." He told me, "Even then you were on the moral high ground because I did deserve it didn't I, I probably called you a mudblood or something or maybe something worse. And you fucking slapped me in the face." He laughed almost nostalgically as he pulled away and stood before me. "I wish I was back there at Hogwarts were there was only petty rivalry and no war." He chuckled and grinned, "Now I have you and you're mine, you're still so…" He trailed off, "Just you, but you're mine." He held my left palm up and stared at it. "I let you choose because I wanted it to be your doing, I expected you to want it somewhere no one would ever see." He said, "Why the hand?" He asked and I shrugged a little.

"I…" I trailed off, his honest words had shocked me, "I don't know." I whispered.

"I remember now, I insulted that oaf Hagrid." He sighed and chuckled, "But you know Granger when you were captured at the Manor and Bellatrix was torturing you, it was me who wouldn't identify you." he whispered leaning close to me. "I think that makes us almost even, you saved me from the fire in the room of requirement and before that I didn't identify you. Then I could have let you be killed but I chose to keep you as my own. You're alive because of me. I saved your fucking life." He whispered.

"What do you want a thank you?" I asked and shook my head.

"This is what makes you so great. The argument, Potter and Weasley could barely string two words together in an argument and just called me ferret and other pathetic insults. You were original, you have fire." He said.

"Don't talk about them like that." I whispered.

"Even now you're still so loyal. You're such a Gryffindor."

"And I'm proud of it." He grinned at me.

"This is why I keep you around, you're actually interesting and I like it when we fuck." He said crudely, I looked away from him, my cheeks flaming in embarrassment and shame. He caught my chin in his hand and held my face close to his. "You like it too though. I hear your little moans and when you say my name." He chuckled, "I like that fact that I had you first. Weasley liked you so much, but I got all of you, I branded you and you're never going to forget me." He said.

"I'm not going to forget Ron." I told him angrily.

"I don't want you to. I want you to remember that I had you first."

"How could I forget?" I asked sadly.

"Don't cry." He whispered and I glared at him, "I don't like it when you cry." He told me quietly, "I'm used to you being so strong and proper that you ruin your image in my mind when you cry and when you're sad. You are fiery and strong and proud and you're right." He informed me.

"So stop hurting me," I said, "Draco." I whispered after, he sighed and closed his eyes.

"I've got to hurt you so I don't forget who I am." He told me.

"Who are you then?" I asked, he let go of my face and dropped his hand so it was rested on my bare knee.

"I'm a murderer and a torturer I'm a Death Eater and I killed my father. I hate you and you hate me. I'm not supposed to feel bad when you fucking cry and you're not meant to make me feel like this…" He trailed off.

_Drunken words are sober thoughts._

"Feel like what?" I asked, he laughed a little.

"Bad, guilty, wrong." He said before pulled away and drinking some more firewhiskey. I got out of the bed and he leant and sat down on it, I stood in front of him.

"Can I go?" I asked. "Get changed and then tidy your room?" I asked, he stared up at me, his eyes locking with mine and he looked so lost and broken I almost wanted to hug him, I leant forwards to him, "Draco?" I whispered.

"I don't know."

"I can always come back you know." I said, "Maybe I could get you some breakfast up here and you can stop drinking." I said, reaching out to take the bottle. He gave it to me. "Okay I'll get you some breakfast now and then I'll change okay?" I asked he nodded and I felt like I was talking to a child.

"Okay." He murmured, I apperated to the kitchen and a little elf who went by the name of Lala looked up at me.

"Lala can you get the master's breakfast on a tray for me to take to him in his room?" I asked and handed her the bottle, it still had some firewhiskey left in it. "And can you dispose of that?" I asked, she nodded.

"Yes miss." I sighed as she scuttled away deeper into he large kitchen and leant against a wall. It was warm and the quiet chatter of the many house elves was almost soothing, Lala came back after a few minutes and handed me a tray with eggs and bacon and a sausage and some cooked tomatoes and various other foods. There was a glass of orange juice as well, I hurriedly apperated back, he sat on his bed where I left him, I handed him the tray, there was a knife and fork on the tray as well and he leant back against the pillows and the headboard.

"Can I go get changed now?" I asked, he nodded and I left for my room, wondering about Malfoy all the way. I hoped that when I got back he would have sobered up a bit.

* * *

**It's more in depth, we see a different side of Draco.  
You like it?**


	18. R

_**18. R**_  
_**Mercy –**_ noun

Compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power; compassion, pity, or benevolence: _Have mercy on the poor sinner_.

The disposition to be compassionate or forbearing: _an adversary wholly without mercy._

The discretionary power of a judge to pardon someone or to mitigate punishment, esp. to send to prison rather than invoke the death penalty.

An act of kindness, compassion, or favor: _She has performed countless small mercies for her friends and neighbours._

Something that gives evidence of divine favor; blessing: _It was just a mercy we had our seat belts on when it happened._

I showed him mercy and he didn't even deserve it. But I have always been a merciful kind of person. He didn't deserve my mercy or compassion I could have exploited his pain and hurt him more. _I have performed countless small mercies for my friends and neighbours. _He is nether my friend, nor my neighbour but I did it regardless. So fucking sue me.

Even before Hogwarts I was always better friends with boys than girls. I was that tomboy who played football on the field with the boys and shied away from the bitchiness and gossip of the girls. Then at Hogwarts when I became friends with Harry and Ron it was easier and normal, because boys were simple. They say what they mean, they don't bitch or gossip. They're honest and don't sugarcoat things, they're not two faced and for that I was always thankful.

The one girl I was closest to was Ginny. Lavender and Parvati were in my dorm but I was never that friendly with either of them. If it had been my own choice I probably would not have ended up quite as friendly with Ginny as I was. But she was my best friends little sister and I saw her regularly. I knew she fancied Harry terribly, I tried to help her and told her to try to act normal around him. I think it helped, in the end he realised he loved her and it all worked out for little Ginny Weasley.

Then Harry had to die and then Ginny was murdered.

I take solace in the fact that wherever they are they must be together because soul mates can't ever truly be parted for long. And that is what I think they must have been. They were young and people said they wouldn't last, that they were only children. Those people were wrong because Ginny and Harry loved each other. Ginny loved Harry so much that she wanted to take her own life when she found out Harry was dead. She didn't want to be parted from her one true love. And I understood, it was like Susan Bones all over again, except before that terrible event had even occurred.

I begged Ginny not to do it as she held her wand to her temple and we stood in the clearing, the others were somewhere else. I told Ginny Harry wouldn't want her to die, I told her he would have wanted her to live, just like if the roles were reversed. She told me she didn't think she could even live without Harry, her heart hurt too much. And that made me cry so very much because I missed him so badly, but I knew I would never feel the heart ache for Harry that Ginny was experiencing. I stopped Ginny from committing suicide, I guilt tripped her into it, telling her I couldn't manage without her, telling her Harry wouldn't approve, telling her that her family would be devastated. _Or at least what was left of the once large and joyous Weasley clan. _

So she didn't do it and for that I was thankful. I was thankful that I allowed myself to befriend that girl who was part of my life but always on the sidelines, never in the middle of it. That girl who had always been hopelessly in love with my best friend. But even so Ginny got her wish and she and Harry were together. Even if it was a brief kind of affair.

But in a way I'm almost glad Ginny died that way. [Probably at Malfoy's hand]. Because she could be with Harry and because she wouldn't be at the Manor. Or maybe Malfoy would not have taken her and she would have ended up with Blaise Zabini or some other pureblood. Who raped and beat and hurt her. She never slept with Harry, she told me that, I think having her virginity taken from her by someone other than her 'dearly beloved' would have hurt her terribly. At least she died innocent and untainted, she died a virgin. Because she told me she could never _be_ with anyone but Harry.

She told me she regretted not having sex with Harry, she said she didn't want to die a virgin, and I agreed, up until the point where Malfoy took my virginity. Then I wished that I had slept with Ron, or anyone, just so that I didn't loose my virginity through rape.

I think fate granted Ginny Weasley a small favor by allowing her to finally be with the one she loved. Maybe she endured terrible heart ache and depression but at least in the end she would be with her love. And if heaven exists then I can think of no place for such a girl to go, even if she killed, it was for a good cause, and Harry would have killed too. So even if she was sent to hell for murder Harry would be there too.

Wherever they were, I hoped and I think I almost felt as if they were together. Because I can think of no better place for Ginny to be than in Harry's arms. I pray that that is where she is, I don't think I _can _believe in god, but I pray to whatever is out there that Ginny and Harry have been united again, that not even death can tear such a strong love apart. I pray that one day I will love someone with all my heart. It's a hopeless and somewhat pointless hope because I thought I would live and die in the Manor, but I prayed regardless that one day I would be free and I might be able to love.

Because when you have nothing left, all you can do is hope and pray to a God that you don't believe in that everything will work out.

Fairy tales. They are stories that were told to me as a child, and children all around the world. Fairy tales are almost told out of habit and when a parent tells their child the story of Sleeping Beauty or Cinderella you see their face light up and the nostalgia enters their eyes.

Fairy tales are full of happy endings and in fairy tales everything always works out okay. It instills hope in everyone. And that is the problem, because they give you_ false_ hopes, they make little girls dream of perfect Prince Charming and pumpkins turning into carriages. They make little boys dream of fighting dragons and vanquishing the baddies.

That's all fine and dandy, but life just isn't fucking like that. _I wish…_You don't always get your happily ever after and maybe there are dragons and maybe those little muggle boys might get lucky and they might be wizards. Then maybe, like Harry did, they might get to battle a dragon. And again, like Harry they may attempt to vanquish a baddie.

But these things don't always work out. Because that poor boy Harry Potter, failed, _he_ was vanquished, not the other way round. And his happy ending completely eluded him. He died alone and fighting a losing battle. I find that Harry's tale was so like a fairy tale, he thought he was normal and then he entered this magical world and fought Voldemort year after year, he rode broomsticks and fought dragons. He was magical and he got to see and meet many magical and mythical creatures.

But his tale was not a fairy tale, maybe it included magic and mystery and wonderful dreams, but his princess Ginny did not get her happily ever after and nor did Harry. Neither of them got their happily ever after. And that is why Harry's life was no fucking fairy tale to be told to children, because it does not have a happy ending. It doesn't end with happy smiles and wedding bells and children, and his story won't be forever told to little children with eager eyes and naïve little smiles.

Mothers and fathers will not tell his story. Just like mine won't be told. Because mine is almost like a fairy tale. [_Not quite. But very nearly]. _Again I thought I was just a normal little girl, I heard fairy tales and wished I could be like Cinderella. And then I ended up in a magical world, helping Harry fight the villain. And Ron and I were almost together. But unlike a fairy tale we were not completely in love with one another. There was love, but love like I loved Harry and like that of a brother or a friend.

I loved him in the wrong way. And the war was not won by the good side. We lost and I was stuck in a beautiful Manor, with high towers, but my hair was not long enough for my Prince Charming to climb up and save me. And Malfoy is certainly no ugly old witch.

If only life was like a fairytale. If only I was a princess and my very own prince could save me from the life I was living. But _happy ending are just stories that haven't finished yet… _

Fairy tales are so cruel in a way, children listen and believe and hope for their own happy lives and fairy tales. Then when in hits them that these fairy tales are just _tales. _Not reality, then their hopes and dreams are crushed and no amount of listening to Little Red Riding Hood and Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs is going to make it okay.

Fairy tales are full of crap and I hate the fact I listened to them and dreamt of them, it angers me that I listened to them and all my hopes and expectations were raised. Only to come crashing down on me, when I realised that the world wasn't actually a good place. Villains weren't easily defeated and no Prince was going to whisk me off my feet.

They are just lies we tell our children to make us feel better about how the world actually is. They are just stories with no truth behind them. They mean nothing and they are just words.

I sat next to Lily on the little sofa in the kitchen, Lauren and Suzie were talking in hushed whispers as they lay sprawled on the floor in front of the fire. Sophie and Evie were laughing hysterically at something Martha had said, who was also giggling along with them. Even, the usually straight faced Jane was giggling like a school girl as they all sat together on the well worn sofa opposite Lily and I. Anya and Rosie were leaning against the sofa that Lily and I sat on, we had our legs crossed and Lily was facing me as Nancy sat next to her, drawing. Nancy liked to draw, she drew with scratchy quills and constantly had inky fingers. I couldn't see what she was drawing because Lily blocked my view but she liked drawing people. I supposed she was drawing the room we were all sitting in. Ellie sat with her eyes closed beside Anya in front of Nancy, I wondered what she was thinking about

It was peaceful and content, Rosie was sitting on the floor in front of me and I was plaiting her hair as she talked to Anya about something or other. Lauren and Suzie had made up a song and had decided that they should write it down. I could see the parchment that Suzie was writing on. She said she could never get used to using quills, she much preferred muggle biros, which was why the parchment had ink stains all over it, and so did her fingers. Lauren always said she hated writing, so Suzie was writing down what came out of Laruen's mouth.

Jane was telling Martha, Sophie and Evie some of her own jokes, some muggle and some wizarding, it hardly mattered, they all made the other three girls laugh loudly. Lily and I were just generally chatting, she was telling me about her childhood and how she spent long hot summers with the rest of the Weasley clan. She was telling me about how she and Ginny and her older sister all used to giggle together as the boys played 'war'.

The doors flew open and Malfoy walked in, we all stopped talking and turned to stare at him. My hands froze in Rosie's hair and he walked further into the room. I bit my lip between my teeth in nervousness, wondering what was to happen, he smirked and I felt my heart sink. It never meant good news. He pointed his wand at me and muttered a spell, the same faint yellow light again.

No man but him could touch me again. For some reason it was almost comforting, no other man would be able to hurt me like him. He had said that his guests might want to use the other girls who hadn't been charmed, but it appeared he was wrong, no one had said anything about rape.

"Come on Granger." He said and I stood, smiling quickly at the other girls as I followed him out the room. I wondered why he didn't call me like usual, we reached his bedroom and I followed him obediently inside. I wished he was still drunk, even if the brutal honesty was slightly unsettling.

He stepped towards me until I was forced to step back and my back pressed against he wood of his door, he was mere inches from me, he was studying my face closely. "I was drunk this morning." He said and I nodded. "Everyone knows drunk people talk shit." He said.

"Sober thoughts are drunken words." I said quietly.

"Mine were shite."

"Of course, whatever you say." I said.

"I hate the way people do that. As you evidently don't believe me."

"Nope." I agreed.

"Believe what you like, repeat a word I said, or anything that happened yesterday evening and I _will _fucking kill you." He hissed and I nodded.

"I don't remember a thing that happened yesterday evening or this morning." I lied and he knew it.

"Good girl." He said stepping away and turning to stare out the window, I began to make his bed, I was unsure about what to do that morning, I had assumed he wouldn't have wanted any visitors. I picked up the clothes folded neatly on the back of the chair like I had left them, including the cloak and I put them in the laundry basket in the bathroom.

The mask face down on the chair was horrific and symbolised so many terrible things I had to look away, I then picked up the shoes from the floor and put them at the bottom of his cupboard. My traitor eyes kept dancing to the mask on his chair and I had a sick desire to turn it over and see it again in the proper light. But just the thought of touching it made me sick. Instead I stared at it in horror.

A pale hand reached down and picked it up I took a step away as he walked towards me.

"It's just a mask." He said almost as if to reassure me, I met his eyes and shook my head.

"It's a symbol of death and destruction and unimaginable terror." He nodded, quirking an eyebrow as if it made sense, and then put it into the cupboard that he had got it out of the day before.

"You shouldn't fear the mask, but the people in it." He said.

"You want me to fear you?" I asked meeting his eyes.

"Don't you?" He asked and there was no right answer, I shrugged a little.

"I…" I trailed off and said no more, he walked towards me to stand in front of me again, he reached a hand up and his rough thumb brushed across my cheekbone, I bit my lip unsure of myself. He pressed his forehead against mine and closed his eyes.

"Can you do something for me?" He asked.

"Depends what it is." I answered.

"Will you just help me forget for a while?" He asked so quietly it was difficult to hear. His lips pressed to mine and his hand cupped my cheek gently as his other entered my hair and pulled me closer to him. My own hands reach up into his hair of their own accord and I pressed my body closer to his.

I was a professional at making myself forget through sex. I could sure as hell make him forget too.

I parted my lips for his tongue to enter and kissed him back with fervor. Because I wanted to feel and I wanted to forget. I allowed him to lower me back on the bed, but rolled us over so I was on top. His hands pushed up my dress and I helped him pull it off and threw it behind me. My lips roamed across the expanse of his neck as my fingers undid the buttons on his shirt. He sat up and helped me to pull it off. His hands were in my hair as he pressed my lips to his.

His tongue and my own fought for dominance, flicking and rubbing and dancing. I pushed him back again, so I was in control and I undid the button on his trousers and slowly unzipped him, he moaned in anticipation and I smirked at him. His fingers expertly unclipped my bra and it joined my dress on my floor. I pushed his trousers down and he kicked them off hurriedly.

I pressed myself into his arousal, he moaned his hips pushing upwards, seeking release. He surprisingly let me take control and I moved us around so we were in the middle of the bed. My lips trailed down his neck, nipping and tasting. I flicked my tongue across his pink nipple and he moaned, his head fell back and his cheeks were tinted pink. _He looked truly alive._

I moved my body down, trailing my lips down his stomach, I followed the soft pale hair leading to his manhood, I reached his hips and his boxers, I pushed them down a little, sucking on the skin on his left hip. His constant moans were filling the room, I pulled his boxers down slowly, he raised his hips to help me and I pulled them off. They joined the other discarded clothes on the floor. I looked down at him, erect and oozing pre-cum. He was watching me, waiting to see what I would do. I locked eyes with him before I slowly took him into my mouth, he groaned as I torturously slowly moved my head down to take all of him. He hit the back of my throat and I relaxed my muscles, not wanting to gag.

I heard a gasped, "Fuck." From him and swirled my tongue around him as I moved upwards, his hands were fisted into my hair and my own hands were lightly trailing across his balls, massaging and stroking. I began to move faster, finding a rhythm as I moved him in and out of my mouth. I could tell he was trying to keep still, not thrusting into my throat. I let my teeth lightly graze him as I bobbed my head, he moaned louder and I chuckled, the vibrations made him gasp. "Fuck me." He cried, "Faster, please." He moaned and I did so, my tongue swirling around him as I sucked, "I'm gonna come." He gasped and took him all the way into my mouth, sucking and with my hand, massaging his balls. The hot liquid hit the back of my throat and I swallowed it quickly, avoiding the taste.

He was gasping as I sat up between his legs, his hands had dropped from my hair and lay unclenched on the bed as he lay naked in front of me After a few seconds he opened his eyes and met mine, he smiled. He reached down and pulled me up his body, his hands lightly on my waist. I was straddling his waist again, my chest pressed to his and his lips pressed to mine.

He rolled us over as we kissed, his lips trailed down my neck and to my breasts, his tongue swirled around my nipple and my back arched as my hands fisted into the sheets desperately. He took my nipple into his mouth, and sucked it lightly and then I felt his teeth bite softly on the soft flesh and I gasped. Feeling even more desperate for the ache to be rid of, he pulled back and blew lightly on my nipple. The change of temperate caused my nipple to pebble even more and my back to arch further. He subjected my other nipple to the same treatment and kissed down my body like I had to him.

His tongue dipped into my navel and I moaned desperately, one of my hands fisted into his hair, and gripped tightly, desperate for more. He reached the apex of my thighs, and pushed my legs apart slightly, and leant forwards. His eyes locked with mine and I felt his hot breath on my sex, my hips bucked lightly and I felt the need for him intensify.

The anticipation rose even further and then his tongue pressed against my clit and I gasped in pleasure, the wetness of his tongue was delicious on my skin. He trailed his tongue up and down my slit and his tongue began to circle my clit, torturing me.

"Please." I gasped through my moans, he smirked at me before I felt his fingers enter me and his tongue pressed against my clit. He thrust his fingers in and out of me as his tongue gave me immense pleasure. I felt the pressure building and the knot in my stomach seemed to tighten, my hips were moving of their own accord, to meet each of his thrusts and his tongue was moving faster against my clit.

I felt my muscles tighten around his fingers as my release came and I cried out desperately. After my orgasm finished I lay gasping for air, I felt his tongue lapping up the liquid, I wondered if it tasted good. He moved back up to the bed and I pulled his face to mine, and curiously kissed him and tasted the sweetness of myself on his lips and tongue. He was laying next to me and I felt his erection pressing into my leg as we kissed.

I rolled us over so I was on top and kneeled upwards, I pressed my hands onto his chest as I slowly lowered myself down on him. His head fell back and his eyes squeezed shut from the pleasure. I moved my hips lightly and he groaned, his hips moved upwards slightly and his hands held my hips steady. I pressed my hands flat on his abdomen to help me move, his hands on my hips also helped my movements.

My head was thrown back and my hair was a knotted mess down my back as I gasped for air. My breasts bounced as I moved and I felt so full with him inside of me. It was wrong and I didn't want it, but I felt so full and right as we _fucked. _The pleasure was building and after a time of frantic breathing and moans I cried out as my orgasm over took me, my walls clenched around him, milking him. His hands on my hips kept me moving and with one last thrust he came inside of me. I fell down onto his chest. We were still very intimately attached as our breathing came back to normal. He pulled out of me and I rolled over onto my back, so that we lay side by side on the bed.

The silence was somewhat overwhelming and he turned to me after a while, leaning up on his side with one hand supporting his head, I looked up at him and frowned. Wondering what he had to say as he kept licking his lips and opening his mouth as if to say something and then he would say nothing and go back to staring at me again.

"My mother told me it was all my fault that he's dead and that she hated me for what I did." He told the silent room and I_ knew not what_ to say. "I think she's right, you agree don't you? I'm weak for following _him_ and doing _his_ fucking bidding." He cried sitting up, I sat too, the cover puddled around my waist as I sat. I cared little for modesty as my naked upper body was revealed.

"You killed her husband." I whispered, because the silence was far too long and full of unspoken words.

"Don't you understand? Why can't you understand why I'm like this, why I've done those things and I killed him?" He shouted at me, I shook my head.

"No." I sighed and then went on to explain; "Because understanding why you've done those things and why you are like you are is like me condoning what you've done. And what you've done is not okay and I don't want to understand because then you would think that would mean it's okay." I whispered and gulped in air, "And it's not Draco, it's not fucking okay!" I cried through the tears. My whispered words were a stark contrast to his angry yells. He said nothing and really there was nothing more to say, the tears slipped down my cheeks and I bit into lip. Wishing I was anywhere but locked in a cool gaze with Draco Malfoy. He let out a deep breath and ripped the sheets from his body and turned his back to me.

So I lay staring up at the ceiling, I kicked the green silk duvet cover from my heated body and it lay at the bottom of the bed, entangled with my feet. I was completely bare and immune to embarrassment at my nakedness as he sat with his back to me, his head in his hands. I wanted to reach out and brush my hand across his exposed back and ask him if he was okay. I resisted and continued to stare at the ceiling through cloudy, tear filled eyes. I blinked them back, willing myself not to cry because it really shouldn't have mattered like it did. It shouldn't have mattered that he wanted me to understand and I felt almost guilty for speaking those words. Although it was the truth he didn't really deserve them, or even for his mother to say such things. Surely she at least should understand.

I heard his weary sighs and wondered what he was thinking. I squeezed my eyes tight shut and wished I was anywhere but naked across my childhood enemies bed. Soft light from the half-moon filtered through the window and I could see him clearly as he stood and turned to me. I moved my eyes from the ceiling and met his, the tears no longer threatened to fall and I pretended I didn't care as his eyes drank my body in.

And like I said, I felt immune to the embarrassment of my nakedness. But his eyes made me uncomfortable as I lay bare to the world. He sighed turning away and standing looking out the window. He did that a lot, just stood and stared out the window. I often wondered if that was because he wished he could be out there or if maybe he just liked to see the world from his window.

I reached under the pillow my head rested on and pulled the silk nightie from underneath, I pulled it on and then pulled the covers up over my body, pulling them around me so my body was cocooned inside of them. When I was little I used to always sleep with the covers under my feet and curled around the sides of my body because I was scared. I was scared of the monsters under my bed and no part of my body, other than my head could be out of the covers or the 'monsters' would get me.

Old habits die hard.

I still sleep all wrapped up in covers just because it makes me feel safe and comfortable. The tears welled in my eyes and I let them silently fall as I lay on my side, curled up into myself. My knees to my chest as I bit my lip, trying to hold in the sobs.

I felt the covers being pulled back and his body invaded the safeness of my cocoon, I tried to hold the sobs in, but in the end my breathing was just ragged and far too loud.

"Are you crying?" He asked quietly, I could feel him leaning towards me and I raised my hands to my face. Fruitlessly trying to brush away the traitor tears, I closed my eyes tightly and I felt his hand on my back, "Why are you crying?" He asked, "I didn't mean to shout at you." I wanted to tell him it wasn't that but I also wanted to tell him it _was_ because of him and because I was tired of all of this and because it was all too much. But I said nothing, he rolled me over so I was facing him, but I kept my eyes closed. Refusing to see him. "Please don't cry Mia." He said quietly and the sobs erupted from my throat with wild abandon, because he was being nice and I didn't want him to be nice. He was supposed to be horrible and I was meant to hate him with every fibre of my being. He murmured "Shhh," noises as he pulled my body to his, I changed position so my arms were tight around his neck and my body was pressed flush against his. He was wearing a pair of boxer shorts that were smooth against my legs. My face was pressed into his neck and one of his hands was rubbing my back lightly and he was confusing me more. I hated the way only he could turn me into an emotional wreck. Even at Hogwarts his comments always got me, I would never show him that, but at night, in the sanctuary of my four poster bed with the curtains hiding me from view, I sometimes cried.

Not that it would ever admit it. But he still always got to me in a way no other ever could. My sobs and tears subsided after a time and he pulled back to look at me.

"Why are you crying?" He asked, brushing away my tears.

"I…" I trailed off and closed my eyes, not knowing how to even begin to explain my tears, "I think that your mother just needed someone to blame. She needed someone to be angry with." I told him, unwilling to spill my feelings to him.

"She said she was sorry after, that she understood, that she knew that I had no choice." He whispered.

"Exactly. I think your father would have understood too." I said quietly.

"He did. I know he did." He told me, "He was very brave, he was a good man." And I wanted to tell him he wasn't a _good man_ at all, I wanted to tell him that Lucius was a terrible man, but I said nothing.

"You don't agree do you? But you didn't know him." _I don't think I really wanted to…_

"No." I said slowly.

"He was a good father you know, before things got bad and the Dark Lord gained power, he was a good man." He said

"Okay." I said.

"We were really happy then, mother was happier too, and we were a good family you know." He sighed, "He got so wrapped up with the Dark Lord and dark magic. But he was still my father." He said adamantly.

"I'm sure he loved you very much." I whispered and he smiled a little and nodded.

"He did." He said and I lay back down, closing my eyes, because I didn't want to talk more about Lucius and how he was _once _a good man. His hand brushed my cheek lightly before I heard him move about and eventually lie back down.

I closed my eyes and prayed for a dreamless sleep. I wasn't so lucky:

_We were all huddled together inside the tent, Ginny sat next to Katie Bell. Ginny was staring off into thin air and the tears were welling in her eyes. I knew she was remembering Harry. I only wished there was some way I could help her. Katie was fiddling with a loose thread on the sleeve of her jumper. Seamus sat beside me, he was fiddling with a radio, trying to find a station that wasn't full of Death Easter propaganda and about how amazing Voldemort was. _

_I sat on the floor with a large and well-worn map in my lap as I tried to see where we could go. Usually we just apperated to woods and forests that we had visited in the past. Places that were unoccupied by people, places no one would look for us._

_The tent was quite large, but nothing spectacular it was comfortable but war was no place for comfort. Comfortable was hardly a word well used in my vocabulary as the war raged; terribly and truly devastatingly around us. _

'And following the Dark Lord is the only way…'

'If we live our lives…'

'Follow the…'

'If you know any…'

'Mudbloods should die…'

'If you can help…'

'And after the short break…'

'That was the Weird…'

'The Dark Lord's army, known as the Death Eaters, will protect you…'

'Do not fear…'

'And one day in the neat future you will see…'

'We have managed to capture a notorious Auror…'

"_Go back, Seamus go back!" I cried and he went back hurriedly to that station._

'…Kingsley Shacklebolt is being questioned now, do not worry my friends, soon, the Dark Lord will have power and there will be no more opposition. Now as I was saying if you know of any mudbloods near you please do…_'_

_It stopped. Only after Seamus had picked it up and angrily hurled it at the other side of the tent. I pressed my head into my hands and bit back the tears because Kingsley would die a horrific and pain filled death. He could have done such great things. Katie's loud sobs filled the tent and I looked around._

_Only three of us left. _

_Ginny had tears streaming down her face and she still stared into nothingness as her arm was wrapped tightly around Katie's shoulders. Seamus's hands were gripping the chair he sat on so tightly his knuckles were white. He had an angry look on his face and his eyes locked with mine, his eyes were clouded with tears and I felt my own slip down my cheeks._

_Once less good auror alive, one less good person in the world. _

I sat up gasping for air as the tears slipped down my cheeks,

"What's the matter?" Malfoy asked sitting up groggily and I turned to him, I could only just make the outline of his figure in the dark room.

"Is Kingsley Shacklebolt dead?" I asked desperately.

"What?" He asked.

"I remember hearing on the radio that Death Eater's had captured him, is he still alive?" I asked again.

"No, he was killed ages ago." He said tiredly

"Did he die in much pain?" I asked weakly. His silence said it all and I lay back down. "I see." I murmured.

"He never said a word you know. No amount of veritaseum we gave him or however many times we used occlumency on him, he never told us a thing." He said and I chuckled a little, because in the end he had _the last laugh_.

* * *

I felt the familiar tug of being called to my master later that day. [That morning I had dutifully cleaned his room and then I had left].I allowed it to take me to him. I was in a living room, one which I had never been inside before. It was grand and the black rug beneath my feet was plush and the fibres pushed between my toes. Taking me back in time the thick carpet of my childhood home and my parents' room, with its cream carpet I spilled cranberry juice on and its large mahogany bed.

The nostalgia was unwelcome and only saddened me immensely, so I tried to rid the happy memories from my mind and met the eyes of Draco Malfoy. He sat on a large armchair that was high backed and far too grand to look comfortable. Theodore and Blaise sat together on a large beige sofa, the room was done in black and a creamy peachy colour. The black rug I stood on was round and right in front of the roaring fireplace. The carpet was a light pink and creamy kind of colour. Which covered the rest of the large floor. The room was square and the opposite walls were black and the other opposite walls were the cream peach colour again. There was one large window on one of the black walls. It showed off the elegant grounds of Malfoy Manor.

The room had another sofa matching the one Blaise and Theodore sat on and another armchair the same as the one Malfoy sat on. The room was elegant and sophisticated with a glass coffee table right in front of me and beautiful cream curtains that framed the window perfectly and contrasted with the black of the wall it was on.

It made me wonder who had decorated such a room, who had such a great eye for designs and decoration. There were abstract painting on the walls and the room looked as if it was ridiculously expensive.

"Granger." Malfoy said, my eyes immediately stopped sweeping the room and met his. Blaise and Theodore were conversing between each other, but I saw Blaise's eyes flicker over me, looking up and down my body. It made me uncomfortable and I only prayed Malfoy wouldn't want me to give him a hand job again.

"Malfoy?" I asked, he smirked at me and I felt my heart begin to beat an unsteady rhythm in my chest as the fear and anticipation grew. Butterflies invaded my stomach and I hoped what was to come wasn't too bad. But then when Malfoy smirked like that it was only confirmation that what was to come would hardly be good.

He said nothing and I moved from foot to foot slightly as I waited. The fire was heating my back and almost burning me, the room was already hot without the added need of fire. I bit my lip as I waited.

"Go get Lauren and Rosie." He told me, I nodded and imagined myself back in the cozy kitchen.

The girls all looked up at me, they were all there and staring at me as I stood stock still.

"He wants Lauren and Rosie." I said, Lauren walked over and Rosie followed.

"Where?" Lauren asked, she seemed unfazed by the request but I saw the panic in her dark blue eyes.

"I can apparate us there, I don't know where it is exactly in the Manor it is." I said quietly. I wasn't stupid, far from it. I prided myself on my intelligence. I had an idea of what was to happen.

* * *

**It's not pretty is it?  
I never said this was a happy story.  
**


	19. S

_**19.S**_ _how lucky we are, how lucky we are, how lucky we are_  
Once upon a time I was the very epitome of innocence, I was good and sweet and untainted. It's funny but also terrifying just how much things can change over such a short period of time. Before I was captured I had only ever kissed two others, Viktor being the first and Ron the second. That was as far as I had been in such sexual acts, then my virginity was taken from me and I was regularly having sex with Malfoy.

I went from innocent to corrupt in such a terribly short space of time. Although a loss of innocence could be counted as murdering and witnessing terrible deeds. If that is so then my innocence was lost as soon as I murdered for the first time, or maybe it was at the Battle of Hogwarts when I witnessed so much death.

Even so, my loss of innocence is not something I wish to think of often, as it makes my heart judder and tears spring to my overly sensitive tear ducts. In fact I wish to think of the past as little as I can. And when I do, I prefer to do so in the confines and privacy of my own little room. There noone will see me breakdown and noone will see just how broken I am.

I used to think that I would always be strong and proper and fight for good. I still believe that the good should win, even though I cannot fight, I hope that someone out there is still fighting for the light. I_ am_ still strong, I do my best not to let Malfoy see my cry, but sometimes things get too much, like that time I broke down in his room. After the desk incident, I found it difficult to look at that desk after that. It brought back such terrible memories.

But then so many things in the Manor bring back terrible memories, every time I went into that dining room I remembered that fateful night all too well when the last shreds of my innocence were ripped apart and the world seemed to come crashing down around me. If I ever have to walk past the door that leads to the dungeon Lavender's, Neville's, Professor McGonagall's and Colin's faces flash before my eyes and the sadness overwhelms me.

I wake from nightmares about those four people sometimes. But mostly my nightmares consist of things I wish not to speak of because they are so terrible I wake with a cold sweat and a tear stained face with terror clutching at my heart.

Nightmares are the worst kind of torture because no matter what you can't wake up until they are completed. People used to think that nightmares were _a demon or spirit once thought to plague sleeping people. _Maybe it's true and demons plague me even in sleep. Nightmares are just _events or experiences that are intensely distressing. _Yet they are also _dreams arousing feelings of intense fear, horror, and distress._

People think nightmares are just for children, that you can grow out of them, yet they are not. Nightmares haunt everyone, maybe only occasionally, but they still haunt and hurt and cause great distress.

One problem with the human race in general, those of wizarding blood and those of non-wizarding blood alike, is that we are selfish. We are all selfish, but we are also liars. We lie to ourselves far too often, little white lies to make us feel better. We may not lie to others that we know, but the lies to ourselves are great and overpowering.

Every day I spent in the Manor I told myself that _tomorrow, _things would get better, I told myself that I would get out eventually. And when I thought I would get out I told myself things would get better and I would be capable of moving on. I knew in my heart of hearts, I knew deep down that I would never be able to move on. No amount of time would erase the memories of Draco and the Malfoy Manor.

I lied to myself to make things better, I lied to myself because there was no one else who could. The other girls were far too busy lying to themselves and there was no time for them to lie to another. So I lied to myself, just like Lily did, like Suzie told herself that when she was finally free her family would be fine and that they would all be alive and well.

But only Ellie lied to herself on such a scale it seemed almost crazy. She lied to herself by saying that it was all some kind of mistake and that a rich pureblood, one of Malfoy's friends, would meet her and fall for her. He would take her away and everything would be fine. She would even tell anyone else that listened. She had it all planned out in her head and it made me cry sometimes, at night in my little bed when I thought of Ellie's hopes and dreams. It was irrational and stupid, it was even childish and a little pathetic, but it was what got her up everyday. It was what made life a little better for her, that little day dream of Ellie's was what made life worth living.

The other girls thought it was ridiculous but it would have been lying if we said we had never entertained such a ridiculous thought. Because we all hoped, even at such an age, that we would get our own little fairytale, that our happily ever after would actually come about.

So we didn't scorn Ellie, I almost respected her, she clung to that little dream of hers so tightly it was crazy, but I still respected her for actually hoping and dreaming. Hope was fast becoming something that was eluding my grasp, I so badly wanted to be able to actually hope, but hope had seemed to betray me.

I think that for _hoping _you need a reason, I had no reason to even begin to hope. My friends were dead and there was a 99.9% chance that I would be stuck in that Manor forever, maybe even more. I was always a scientific girl, and 0.1% was hardly something to get my heart racing for. It _just_ wasn't enough, I needed solid foundations to place my hopes. And those once rock solid foundations had crumbled and were nothing compared to their previous finery. They were ruins and it hurt to think of my hopes and dreams. Because I saw no way I could ever reach them. I sound as if I am wallowing in my self-pity and I suppose that I was, I was wallowing in my pain and my constant hopelessness was tiring. But I had no hope left.

So when I apparated with Rosie and Lauren I had no reason to hope that all Malfoy wanted was a little chat, that Theodore and Blaise just wanted to join in with the little chatter. So as we entered the room together. Their hands in my own, I wondered if this was really the way it should be. And it wasn't right, if there was ever an argument for the world being full of evil. It was then. As I stood hand in hand with two girls who didn't deserve what was most likely to come.

Blaise and Theodore's eyes drank in Lauren and Rosie as Malfoy smirked.

"Lauren." Blaise smirked, "You look delightful." He said and I cringed, she smiled a little, but her eyes were full of fear.

"Thank you." She said meekly, he stood and her hand left mine as he beckoned for her to follow him out the door. Rosie was squeezing my hand so tightly it hurt, but I said nothing as Theodore stood up and walked over.

"Come on." He said looking at her before walking out the door and going the opposite way down the corridor to Blaise.

"Granger." My eyes flickered to Malfoy as he sat comfortable on the chair, "Close the door and then come here." He said, I followed his orders and he pulled me onto him so I was straddling hm.

"Will they hurt them?" I asked.

"No, they're my girls, Theo and Blaise know not to hurt them."

"Yet you let them rape them." I stated glaring at him.

"It's not really rape."

"Oh?" I asked.

"They know that they're better off pleasing them than going against them." I frowned.

"Do they always have Lauren and Rosie?" I asked.

"Yep, they're the only girls of mine they've ever had." He said, "They weren't virgins when I got them, if they're virgins I usually keep them all to myself." He said.

"Not Lily?" I asked.

"She's a Weasley. Actually Rosie was a virgin, but I had enough of her and Theo liked her so when he visits it's her he has. And Blaise just has Lauren." He said.

"So what of your friends gets me when you're finished?" I asked, he chuckled.

"I'll keep you around for a while yet, I'll have Suzie then maybe, but she's too young, you keep me entertained enough." He said.

"I'm so glad I please you." I said bitterly. "So you've only raped Lauren, Rosie, Lily and me." He glared at me.

"Anya." He said, "I had her once."

"Her virginity?" I asked.

"No, Nathaniel Parkinson already got there first." He said, "Only once though, he got her on a raid and I was at their place once, he asked me if I wanted a pretty mudblood he fucked once." He said and I blinked the tears for Anya back.

"And then you raped her too." I said sadly.

"I did her a favour." I laughed and shook my head, "I'm serious, everyone knows Nathaniel Parkinson kills his mudbloods and muggles after a while, he tortures them and fucks them then kills them."

"So why did he give you Anya?"

"She wouldn't break apparently. Too much hard work, sure she cried and screamed but she took more work." He said.

"So he gave her to you to break?" I asked.

"Something like that."

"You're horrible." I whispered.

"I only fucked her once because I had to." He said.

"You don't have to do anything!" I cried.

"I was with Nathaniel looking at all his girls, because he's a show off like that and he told me I should use her. I said no, he said a true man would, and I'm a fucking man so I did, then he said I could have her and I took her home and got Jane to sort her out. No one's touched her since." He said.

"You didn't charm her though." I said, he chuckled.

"None of the people who visited would fuck my girls without asking, well except Blaise and Theo, they can have Lauren and Rosie when they like. I charmed the virgins just in case and I wasn't going to say anyone could fuck her anyway." He told me.

"I'd almost think you cared." I hissed.

"My girls are all treated incredibly well Granger." He said, "You don't have to walk round naked like Blaise's." He said.

"What about Theodore's?" I asked.

"He treats them okay, like me. You're incredibly lucky to be at my Manor." He told me.

"I don't feel it." I said.

"Well you should, you have beds and rooms and regular food and only one girl is the one I use at a time. You live the life of luxury for such lowly creatures." He said, I laughed. "You should see how Goyle's girls live." He said.

"And how's that?" I asked.

"You know what, I think I'll show you." He said and I got off his lap as he stood, he caught my wrist and led me to the fireplace. He threw in some floo powder and pulled me in after. "Goyle residence." He said clearly and we were whisked away. It was my second outing since first getting to the Manor a matter of months ago. I didn't really keep track of time, it only depressed me to know how long I had been there. We stepped out of the fireplace and into a small room, the door opened and Gregory Goyle stepped inside.

"Draco." He said gruffly and then squinted at me, "Is that Granger?" He asked.

"Yes, take me to where you keep your girls Goyle." Malfoy said gruffly.

"Of course." Goyle said and Malfoy kept a firm grip on my wrist as he followed the large man who I once attended school with.

I think I knew even before the door opened that I didn't really want to see what was inside. We were underground in a dungeon and as the door opened in front of me I knew exactly where the fear had come from. The room was dark, other than some small lights coming in from around the top of the room. The Goyle Manor was far less grand and luxurious as the Malfoy Manor but it didn't make their dungeon any less horrific that Malfoy's. In fact the dungeon was worse, it was dank and dark and the smell of decay was repulsive.

"Lumos." Goyle said and the light erupted from the tip of his wand, bathing the room in soft luminescent light. I could make out the bodies of people, all female. The lumos bathed their dirty bodies in light and my hand covered my mouth as I took in their sallow faces and malnourished bodies. I tried to take a step back, to get away, to erase the images from my mind, by Malfoy's hands gripped my waist tightly, holding me in place so all I could do was close my eyes and wish I was anywhere but in that dungeon.

"Please?" A voice croaked and my eyes snapped open, I met the dark blue eyes of a malnourished girl my heart beat increased and a strangled sob erupted from my lips.

"Sorry." I whispered and she smiled a little at me, she sat on the dirty floor of the crowded dungeon, there must have been at least 20 other girls all crammed together in there. She was so familiar I just couldn't place her, I knew that her once long blonde hair had been hacked off and now ended just past her chin in random lengths, her hair was dirty and her face was smeared with dust and dirt and dried blood was on her arm. What would have once been called clothes hung from her body, they were tattered and dirty, barely resembling what long ago must have been a t-shirt and a skirt. Her bones stuck out worryingly and her eyes were haunted from pain and grief. The tears trailed down my cheeks as she stared at me, her eyes were accusing and I knew why. I was dressed in a nice clean dress and I lived the life of luxury compared to the bruised and battered girl who I knew but did not know. "I'm so sorry." I whispered as I attempted to go to her, but Malfoy held me pressed against his chest. She said nothing, only looked away, I wouldn't have accepted such an apology anyway, of course it wasn't my fault yet the guilt was overwhelming.

"Thank you Goyle." Malfoy said before pulling me out the door and holding my wrist tightly as he led me back to the room we flooed into.

"What was that all about?" Goyle asked.

"Wanted to show Granger what would happen if she fucked around." Malfoy growled and Goyle said no more as Malfoy pulled me into the fire place and we flooed back to the Manor.

He held onto my wrist as he led me back to the room we had been in before, we can't have even been at Goyles' for long, maybe 15 minutes or so. He sat back down on the large chair and pulled me to him, not roughly so I was straddling him once again.

"That's how lucky you are and never forget it." He said looking at me and for some reason I wanted to thank him for how he treated us. So I showed him my gratitude in the only way I knew how, because any other way and he wouldn't have accepted it.

So I leant forwards and pressed my lips to his gently and kissed him, he pulled my body closer and pushed his hands up the back of my dress as he kissed me back with fervour. His hands traced lightly up my back, pushing my dress up as he went higher. After a while I had to pull away to breathe and kissed down his neck, sucking on the tender skin there.

I pulled back and looked at him through lust filled eyes, he smirked at me. The same lust reflected in his gaze. He picked up his wand from on the table beside the chair and murmured a locking charm. After this he pulled my dress over my head and I undid the buttons on his shirt, pulling it off hurriedly and then undoing the button on his trousers and then the flies, he moved his hips upwards, helping me pull off his trousers. He kicked them off and unclasped my bra with ease, before discarding it on the floor with the other clothes.

I leant forwards, kissing him again, our tongues fighting for dominance as he palmed my breasts, eliciting soft moans as I ground myself into him. The only thing blocking us were his boxers, which I pulled down, he once again moved his hips to help me. I looked down at him below me and slowly pressed down, my head fell back as he entered me fully in one thrust and my hands knotted in his silken hair as I moaned.

I circled my hips and he groaned his hand holding onto my hips, helping me to move upwards and then slowly back down again.

"Faster." He gasped and I complied, quickening my pace as best as I could. His lips met mine and there were no more gentle kisses, but passion fuelled kisses that made our teeth clack together and our lips become bruised from the very force of it.

Our laboured breathing filled the room as he met each of my thrusts with his own. My forehead clunked against his but I couldn't care less as he thrust into me hard going further inside of me and one of his hands went to where our bodies were joined and began to rub my clit in delicious circles. I saw white as my orgasm hit, a few thrusts later as my walls tightened around him and my body shuddered I milked him and he came with a grunt.

After our breathing had calmed and I moved my forehead from his he pressed a hand to his forehead.

"Fuck, my head hurts." He said and I giggled because mine did too. He met my eyes and his face broke out in a grin, "You sure hit me hard." He said, "I can forgive you though because the sex was great." He said and helped me to get off him and stand on my wobbly legs. I blushed and picked up my bra putting it on hastily and then pulling the dress over my head and he redressed as well.

He sat back down on the arm chair, stretching out his legs and used the counter charm for locking the door before once again pulling down to sit on his lap. This time however I wasn't straddling him, my legs were pulled up and I sat sideways on him, leaning against his chest and feeling a little tired.

After about 5 minutes of surprisingly un-awkward silence, Theodore came in with Rosie following closely behind him, he sat down on the sofa and Rosie obediently sat beside him. Malfoy and Theo began to talk about the Ministry of Magic and how it was stupid it was still running. I didn't really listen, only waited with baited breath for Lauren to walk in, both Rosie and my own eyes were fixed on that door. A few minutes later it opened and we both breathed a sigh of relief as Lauren did indeed walk in.

I pitied Lauren because Blaise wasn't a nice man, he was dangerous and he smirked at the other two men in the room before walking over to the sofa to sit beside Rosie who looked incredibly uncomfortable.

"You can go girls." Malfoy said and I gladly stood, Rosie walked over to us and Lauren apparated away immediately, Rosie and I followed only seconds after. Rosie and I reached the kitchen at the same time and looked around for Lauren but she was nowhere in sight. Jane, Martha and Ellie were the only ones in the large kitchen, I glanced at Rosie and she caught my hand, we apperated in a room that I assumed was Lauren's. She sat on the bed with her head in her hands, she looked up when she saw us and the tears in her eyes and the look of misery on her face broke my heart. I sat on one side of her and Rosie sat on the other and we let her cry.

After her tears had finished she looked at Rosie and then me and then she bit her lip and shook her head.

"What happened?" Rosie asked.

"He's just..." She trailed off and whimpered, "He's so controlling and manipulative, I'm so envious of the two of you. Sure Draco's a dick, but nowhere near as much as Blaise and Theo seems like a fucking nice guy." She cried, I stroked her hair.

"Tell us what happened Lauren?" I asked.

"He took me to the room and made me go down on him, and he saw me crying so he slapped me, but he used a charm on it so Draco wouldn't know. Then he made me undress for him and undress him. Then he sat down on the bed and made me fuck him." She said and it reminded of the time Malfoy came to my room and made me do the same.

"I'm so sorry." Rosie said.

"At least he doesn't come often though." I said quietly, trying to console her.

"Small mercies." She said dryly.

"You could tell Draco." Rosie said.

"Next time he calls me to him, I can tell him." I said.

"But then next time I have to go to Blaise he'll hurt me more." She said.

"What if Draco doesn't let him have you though?" Rosie asked.

"He probably will though. After warning Blaise not to hit you and then Blaise will hurt her more." I said sadly. "It's not fucking fair." I whispered.

"No, it fucking isn't." Lauren said.

"You know Goyle?" I asked, "Gregory Goyle?"

"Yes." Rosie said.

"Malfoy took me to his today, he got angry because I said he treated us badly. He showed me the dungeon Goyle keeps his girls in. There was a girl I went to school with in there." I whispered. "I'm sure we went to school together I just can't place her."

"Was it terrible?" Lauren asked.

"So so terrible, I didn't know how lucky we are until today." I told them.

I lay in that little bed in my room until I couldn't handle the claustrophobic plain white walls any longer. I closed my door quietly behind me before padding barefoot down the corridor. There was only one place I wanted to be: I wanted the hushed whispers and the quiet scratching of quills on parchment in the familiar Hogwarts library. People had mocked my love of that place, but throughout Hogwarts it was my sanctuary, my place. The place I could get away from it all and loose myself in the words of people past and wonderful authors. I always had a craving for knowledge and only the Hogwarts library would ever quite quench my thirst.

As it happened I did not have access to that place, so I decided I would have to settle for the next best thing. I hadn't actually ever been in the Malfoy library, which was rather unlike me, but I was hardly the same person I was when I frequented Hogwarts library. Earlier that day, before the drama of that girls accusing eyes and Lauren's sad eyes, Anya had been telling me about the great Malfoy library. Nancy had told me it was bigger and better than even Hogwarts. I had laughed and told her it couldn't be. Nancy told me where is was and said I should go see for myself when I got a chance.

So that night, I walked the corridors of Malfoy Manor to find the library, hoping against hope that it would be enough to help me to forget that terrible place in the Goyle home. The large wooden doors were just like Nancy told me, incredibly audacious and extravagant, as tall as the high ceiling and with intricate carvings all across them. I pushed them open and stepped into the room, lights came on immediately, the room knew it had an occupant and wanted to show off its content. I walked further into the room and the doors softly closed behind me as I stared in awe at the room.

The millions of lit candles around the room gave it an eerie look, but no amount of eeriness could put me off such a great amount of books seemingly at my disposal. The shocked gasp fell from my lips as I walked to the nearest bookcase and saw the many, many books I could entertain myself with.

I walked around the room flabbergasted and felt like I had the first time I saw Hogwarts library and was truly enchanted by the many books on offer. This was even bigger and better just like Nancy had told me. I drank in the titles and authors on the spines of the many books as I went by, noting the rare and hard to come by books I could have never imagined ever being lucky enough to read. A small smile graced my face and I must have looked half mad, walking around the vast library with large eyes and a manic grin on my face. But I can't say I cared, all I really cared about in that moment was getting to read one of the many books surrounding me.

I settled on a book well known to me, _Hogwarts, A History_, it was safe and comforting to read such a well loved book to me. It took me back to happier times spent with friends, comfortably reading amongst friends. I briefly wondered why it was in the Malfoy Manor but concluded that the occupants just wanted a very extensive and varied library.

I must have been reading for at least an hour when the door floor open and Malfoy marched in purposefully before stopping dead in his tracks and staring at me. I sat with my legs crossed on the plush red sofa by the fire.

"What are you doing here?" He asked walking over to stand in front of me.

"I couldn't sleep." I said meekly.

"So of course you came to _my_ library." He said arrogantly.

"I wasn't aware that no one else was allowed to enter _your _library." I replied just as snidely.

"That isn't the case Granger, it's just that it's rather late and I wasn't expecting to see you here." He amended and I shrugged.

"I haven't read a book in far too long. I just couldn't sleep." I told him. "Am I not allowed to come here this late?" I asked.

"No, I don't care when you come here as long as you put everything back where it should be." He said.

"Of course." I told him, I would have never dreamed of doing anything different, I asked him, "Would it be okay though if I were to take some books to my room and I would of course replace them once I'm done?" He thought for a moment.

"That would be okay I suppose. Just don't turn your room into your very own library, I'll want the books back after a few weeks." He said and I smiled brightly.

"Thank you." I said quietly.

"What are you reading?" He asked.

"Hogwarts, A History." I told him.

"Surely you've already read that." I nodded, "Can't you find anything better in such a large collection?" He asked.

"I'm sure I could, I just want to reminisce a little." I told him.

"I see." He said before walking off and as soon as he was out of sight I carried on reading, I knew he was still there because I could hear the click of his heels as he walked around the room. He came back after a while with a book in his hand and sat on the other side of the sofa from me. I glanced at him, as there were plenty of other seats and there was no need for him to sit with me.

"This is my favourite spot and I'm not giving it up for anyone." He said and I laughed a little.

We read in companionable silence, I don't know what it was he was reading because I was far too engrossed in my own book to care of his doings. I grew bored of Hogwarts, A History after a few hours, I had previously read it countless times. I stood sighing and put the book away where I had found it, I walked back over to where Malfoy was sitting, he looked up at me.

"Goodnight." I said politely before turning to walk away.

"You're sleeping in my bed tonight." He said.

"Okay." I said quietly and apperated to his room, I closed the curtains slowly and blew out the candles, if I had possessed a wand it would have made such a job easier as there were so many dotted around the room. Once the lights were all extinguished I crawled under the covers and closed my eyes, wishing for sleep.

_I was in the dungeon in the Goyle Manor and the only other person in the room was the girl She stood opposite me, and I stood in the doorway. Her large blue eyes were haunting and she walked towards me and the fear set in. I tried to back away but the door was shut tight, I whirled around to try to open it, but it was useless. _

_My attempts futile. _

_I turned back around and she had tears streaming down her dirty cheeks as her eyes locked with mine. Suddenly she morphed into someone else and her blue eyes were replaced with green and glasses covered these eyes and a scar on his forehead identified him to me as Harry. He stood before me, his cheeks sunken and his skin seemed grey. His eyes were dead and empty, just like Ginny's had been. And it was fitting in that moment that he morphed into Ginny herself. Her mouth was open in a silent scream as her dead eyes stared at me. She changed into Ron, with his cornflower blue eyes and red hair, his lips were moving and he was talking to me, but I couldn't hear what he was saying. _

_He was walking towards me and then he changed, from red hair to blonde hair and blue eyes to grey, from freckles to none. Draco Malfoy stood before me, a frown marring his features as he stepped towards me, his lips also moving. And then he was gone and the girl was before me once again, reaching out her hand to me, her fingers were so thin they were practically just bone, she looked like a skeleton and her eyes were oh so haunting as I screamed out in terror, trying to get away. _

_It was Marietta Edgecombe. _

I awoke screaming as I sat up in the large bed, tears streamed down my cheeks as I gasped for air. I tried to stifle my sobs so as not to wake Malfoy, but it was the scream that woke him. He sat up beside me and the faint light coming from outside illuminated his face, he reached out a hand and I moved my head away, it was too like Marietta's gesture in my dream. His hand caught underneath my chin and pulled my face around so he could see me.

"What's wrong?" He asked me, I tried to control my erratic breathing and the sobs erupting from my throat. "Mia?" He asked worriedly, pulling my body close to his and wrapping his arms around my middle and pulling me onto his lap. My own arms wrapped around his neck as I pressed my face into the crook of his neck. He rocked me gently until my tears had subsided. I didn't even know why the nightmare had upset me so badly, I'd had worse, but I think it was just seeing my old friends and their accusing eyes as if they knew what I had become. "What the matter Mia?" He asked gently.

"I had a nightmare." I whispered quietly, he lay us back down under the covers, still wrapped in one another's embrace. "I know it's stupid, but it was just horrible." I whispered.

"It's not stupid." He reassured me in a way that was unlike him, because he was being kind, maybe he was repaying me for when I was kind to him after his father's death. Who knows. "What was it about?" He asked.

"Marietta and Harry and Ginny and Ron and..." I trailed off, "You." I whispered.

"What happened?"He asked

"I was in Goyles' dungeon and that girl, whose Marietta was there and she changed into Harry and then Ginny, then Ron then you then back to Marietta." I whispered.

"And what did we all do?"

"You and Ron talked and Ginny screamed but I couldn't hear." I said, "You just all looked at me. And Marietta was so accusing because she's going to die soon and it's not fair I get to live like this." I whispered, "And Ginny just looked like she had, with dead eyes, that day she died. Harry looked dead and Ron was talking to me, but I couldn't hear and..." I trailed off and sighed, "You looked so confused." I whispered.

"Well that's not so bad." He said quietly.

"But I feel so guilty and Marietta was crying and I couldn't hear Ginny scream."

"It's over now." He said, then a thought hit me.

"Will you promise to tell me the truth if I ask you a question?" I asked.

"Depends on the question." He answered.

"Will you try though?" I asked again.

"Yes."

"Is Ron dead?" I asked him. "Has he been captured by Death Eaters?" I asked.

"That's two questions."

"Then just answer the second one." I begged.

"He hasn't been captured yet." He told me and I sighed in relief and a laugh escaped my lips.

"How on earth has he managed that?" I whispered to myself.

"We're all asking ourselves the same question, you're meant to be the smart one not Weasley."

"Evidently, he's cleverer that people give him credit for." I said.

"Where do you think he is?" he asked.

I chuckled, "No idea and even if I did it's hardly as if I would tell." I said. "True." He said slowly. And then no more was said, I tried to find a comfier position and ended up turning around so my back was pressed to his front and his arms were wrapped around my waist.

I felt so safe in his arms it was ridiculous. It was like a paradox. It was ironic and no one else would ever understand my logic behind it being safe. But I understood and no more nightmares haunted me as I slept in Draco's arms.

* * *

**Marietta Edgecombe was Cho's friend and betrayed Dumbledore's Army.  
Mostly likely a half-blood.**


	20. T

_**20.T **Tell me where do you want to be when all your friends have settled down on the greener side of town?_  
I saw a shooting star once. I was 15 years old and it was winter, I was home for Christmas, I always loved stars. I used to open the window in my room late at night when I couldn't sleep, I opened it wide and I would lie on my bed and stare out of that window and out into the universe and I would just be so amazed at the stars.

I wished on that star that I could fall in love. I wished I could be happy and get my happily-ever-after.

I didn't think my wish was going to come true whilst I was in the Manor, I thought maybe it was a time taking kind of wish and eventually I would get my happily ever after.

Or maybe that was just wishful thinking. _I think so. _

If I saw another shooting star I would wish for that exact same thing because really I think it's all I wanted, maybe I would have wished to be free and for the war to end. Even though it's illogical to think that a star could grant you any of those things, I still would have done it. I may be a logical thinker but I was hardly going to _not_ wish on that star just because it seemed impossible.

I would have done anything just so I could have gotten out of that place, I thought of escape regularly, running through scenario after scenario as I lay awake at night and trying to think what I would do.

It was easier to think of escape rather than let my mind wander to the war and the many casualties. And when I didn't think of escape I thought of Malfoy and everything he was and stood for. I thought about Lucius and I wondered if Draco ever cried when he was alone. I wondered if his mother still blamed him or if he even still spoke to the narcissistic Narcissa.

I thought about Narcissa, I wondered about her and her life, I pondered the meaning of the pearls and how they had sat around my neck perfectly and when I had looked in that mirror I had seen who I could have been; if my parentage had been different my life would be very different.

I would have well already been married to Draco Malfoy, I could have tortured Harry and Ron along with Draco and his followers, I could have been a Slytherin and I could have been so very different. That thought sent chills down my spine, because I could have been a very different and maybe not a very nice person at that. That thought haunted me, along with my thoughts of Malfoy and what terrible thing he would do next.

The waiting was terrible, I never knew what was coming next, if he would be cruel or kind and really at that point he had been kind for far too long and this kept me permanently on tenterhooks, it made me nervous. And nervousness only leads to clumsiness, which leads to terror, as I really didn't want to anger him, and then nervousness and then clumsiness and the cycle carried on and on. The fear intensifying with each and every breath, each and every movement and time I was in his presence.

I could forget when he was being half decent and then I would feel the cold grip of fear again as I came to my senses and tried to work out why he was being like that. Why he was being so nice. I felt like I was being lulled into a false sense of security and any minute he was about to pounce and that horrible sneer would spread across his face and my heart would beat far too fast and it would be far too hard to breathe.

The problem was that it was all the unknown, it was so hard to be calm when I just _didn't _know what was to happen. It's worse when it's unknown because you end up imagining the most terrible things and scare yourself even more with the horrific thoughts of what _could _or _would _or _might _happen. That's what made it so much worse.

I didn't know when it would happen or if it even would. And then when whatever it was occurred I had no clue as to what would ensue. That's what was worst; I was constantly torturing myself with _what ifs _and sordid thoughts that sickened me.

I tried to imagine the very worst and then whatever could happen wouldn't be quite as bad as I had imagined and then I feared that it would be worse than I could ever imagine and it would be truly horrible and all these thoughts added to my unease.

These thought followed me round each and every day. It was terrifying to live like that. _One can only imagine._ Because at least when I was being hurt I knew what was to come, there were none of these questions or confusion.

It was cold, it was always so cold in the Manor, even in the bedrooms, and my feet were freezing as I lay alone in Malfoy's bed, the silk duvet wasn't warm enough and I wished the fire was burning. I wriggled about a bit trying to warm myself up, but to no avail, all I really wanted were some socks and as soon as the idea entered my mind I couldn't stop thinking about the draw Malfoy kept all his socks in. I quickly got out of the bed and opened the top draw of his chest of drawers, I pulled out a pair of warm looking grey socks and hastily pulled them onto my feet, I lay back down in the bed and sighed contentedly as for the first time in months my feet were actually warm. I was still cold and craved the warmth of a fire roaring in the grate, but my feet were warm and in my little duvet cover cocoon it was all okay.

But no matter what I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about Malfoy and where he was, but mostly _what_ he was doing. He had called me to his room that evening after he had eaten and told me I was sleeping in his bed that night and that he would be back later. Then as I watched he had pulled the cloak and mask from his wardrobe and apparated away. He was going to some kind of Death Eater gathering and just thinking about what he was doing made me sick to the very bone.

I lay in his bed for hours before he pushed the door open and walked inside, he held the mask in his hand and pulled the cloak off and put them away as soon as he reached the wardrobe. Then he undressed, leaving on his boxer shorts, before lying down beside him, I lay on my side and studied his face in the half light coming through the window. He was on his back and I could make out his strong profile, his jaw was clenched, a sure sign he was unhappy and he was staring angrily at the ceiling.

"What's the matter?" I asked him quietly and he moved his head to look at me, he did not speak as he studied my face with searching eyes.

"Nothing." He said after a few minutes and then moved closer to me, onto his side and pulled my body to his, I wrapped my arms around his neck and he slung one arm around my waist. His legs were pressed against mine and he frowned pressing his feet against mine. "Are you wearing socks?" He asked in confusion and I nodded.

"My feet were so cold." I whispered.

"Are they warm now?" He asked.

"Yes thanks." I whispered.

"I'll put the fire on." He said and pulled away, picking up his wand from the bedside table and pointing it at the fire.

I watched as the flames filled the fireplace and then flashed a small smile at him, he smiled a little and lay back down next to me. Still wrapped in the embrace.

"_Look at you Hermione, look at what you have become." She said, "Supposedly the smartest witch of her age. Ha, don't make me laugh!" She said shaking her head. "You make me sick!" She cried and I felt the tears run down my cheeks as she accused me of things I knew to be true._

"_I'm sorry Ginny." I whispered. _

"_It's too late for apologies Hermione. What would Harry say?" She asked me and I said nothing, "What would Ron say?" She asked, "I know what they would say, they would say they hate you because you willingly sleep with Malfoy, you let him touch you" She hissed. "He killed me." She told me angrily. _

"_Sorry." I said again, "I'm sorry, so sorry."I whispered._

"_I hate you." She hissed. _

I woke with a start, gasping for air and wiped away the tears I had been crying in my sleep. I removed myself from Malfoy's embrace got out of the bed and yanked the socks from my feet, putting them on the empty pillow before walking to the window and sitting down on the window sill, staring out. I looked up at the stars and wished I could only tell Ginny how truly sorry I was. How much I loathed myself, far more than she could ever hate me herself.

"Mia?" I heard Malfoy ask groggily, I stood from the window sill and face him as he sat up in bed.

"Can I go to my room?" I asked in a monotone.

"What?" He asked.

"Your socks are on the pillow, can I go to my room?" I asked, he got out of the bed and walked over to me, I stepped away from him and he frowned.

"What's wrong Mia, did you have another nightmare?" He asked far too kindly and the tears began.

"Stop it!" I yelled through my tears, he frowned stepping closer and I backed away again

"Stop what Mia?" He asked.

"Stop being like that!" I cried.

"Being like what? I don't understand." He said.

"Of course you fucking do!" I shrieked. "Why are you being all nice, why are you messing with my head and playing with me?" I asked. "What is it you want with me?" I asked barely above a whisper. He said nothing, just frowned and I let out a cry of anger, "Stop pretending you don't know what I'm talking about!"

"I really don't."

"Of course you fucking do, you're driving me crazy, making me think you care and then you'll hurt me again I know you will." I said.

"Really I can do what I want with you Granger." He said, steel in his voice.

"See that's the real you, so why are you pretending?" I asked, he stepped forwards and my back was pressed against _the _desk. _The _desk he fucked me on. _Raped _me on.

"Don't fucking question me." He said, his body far too close to mine for actual comfort, he was leaning down so his face was right in front of mine and I could see the raw anger in his eyes and I began to regret confronting him. At least when he was feigning kindness he was actually nice and not this angry man in front of me.

"I'm sorry." I whispered and in that moment I realised just how different I really was, the old me would have not taken that, no matter the consequences I would have not bowed down and practically begged for mercy. As soon as this realisation dawned my hands moved to his shoulders of their own accord and pushed him back hard. It wasn't particularly strong shove but I had caught him off guard and he stumbled back before looking at me with total utter shock playing across his face. My own face matched his. "Whatever game you're playing, I don't want to be fucking part of it." I hissed and straightened myself, smoothing down my night dress before glaring at him with all I had. I felt the old me begin to reawaken and I had a desperate urge to have a proper argument with him, not one with violence, but using knowledge and wit. Because then I knew I could had a fair chance at winning.

"That was very unwise of you." He said leaning against the bed, I nodded solemnly. "I can do what I want with you Granger, because you're mine." He said.

"Maybe that's true, but I still have free will." I said.

"Sadly that's true, but you should learn when to keep your mouth shut, you were doing so well." He said, he was right I had been in his good books, things had been going fine, then I realised what I was.

"Lucky I came to this realisation then isn't it." I said.

"Not for you it isn't." He said, "It just means you're going to get hurt if you carry on acting like this." He said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because you're mine and if you annoy me I'll hurt you and when you're like this you annoy me." He said slowly as if talking to a child, I said nothing, just glared at him. He walked forwards so he was standing in front of me again, his face right in front of mine, he pulled away and stepped back before bringing back his left hand and when his hand connected with my right cheek my gasp was barely audible. "Go on, fuck off." He said and I apparated away immediately.

I sat down on my bed and dropped my head into my hands as I took in a desperate gasps of air. I pressed my hand to my stinging cheek. The adrenaline was racing through me and a crazy smile spread across my face and a giggle escaped my lips, because I was the old me again. Fiery and strong, everything that I have always been I was right then.

So what if I got slapped for it? I was still Hermione Granger.

Sobs mixed with laughter and I was crying and laughing at the same time, because I was terrified of the future but at that moment in time I was okay because I knew I was still me. Still strong willed and my free will would never be taken from me.

Life didn't turn out at all like I had thought it would at all. But then again I suppose that is a good thing. Because if life had turned out like I had thought – do well at school, get a good job, fall in love, marry, have children, live happily ever after. Not only does the prospect of this seem rather boring but if I had known exactly how my life would turn out. I don't think I would have coped, I would have always known that at only 18 I would be Draco Malfoy's slave. Of course it would have been nice to know how long I lived, when I died.

Knowing when you die makes you crazy, it would make you do silly and rash things, but it would also make you live life to the full. People often seem to only fully appreciate life when they know they are going to die soon because then they have to do everything they had ever planned. Because they don't want to miss out.

So as I sat on my bed I decided that I would live life to the full, because you only live once and I didn't want to miss out. I decided that I would argue with Malfoy no matter what the consequences were. I would have sex with him because it actually made me feel alive and I wanted those experiences in life.

I decided that I would do everything I could to survive, but not be too down hearted if I didn't, because I would have tried everything I could. I would have done my best to live life to the full in the conditions I was in.

I slept badly that night, my dreams full of Ginny and Hannah and their accusatory eyes, and full of Malfoy and his anger. I went to his room that morning when I knew he would be eating breakfast like usual. I made his bed and put his things away, I cleaned the bathroom and tried to be as quick as I could, so I wouldn't bump into him.

I was left to worry all that day and when it got to 9. 30 I was called to him. I was in his room by the window and he was sitting on the bed watching me. He beckoned to me slowly and I walked to stand in front of him, his hands rested on my hips as he pulled my forwards closer to him so I stood between his legs. His neck reached up and I obliged by letting my lips meet with his. It was what he wanted and I didn't want to anger him. He pulled me towards him more and I put one knee up on the bed and then the other so I was straddling him, my hands in his hair as his hands travelled up my thighs, across my bottom and then up my back, tracing delicious patterns across my spine. I kissed him back with passion and let my head fall back as I moaned when his lips travelled down my neck, sucking on the flesh there with wild abandon.

I pulled away from his so that my dress could be pulled from my body, I deftly undid the buttons on his shirt as we kissed before pulling it from his broad shoulders. I threw it behind me with the discarded dress. I sucked on his neck and his hands moved to between my legs, rubbing and pleasuring me. He fell back and I undid the button on his trousers and then pulled the zipper down. I moved my lips from his neck and kissed down his chest, getting wrapped up in the moment. I followed the trail of light hairs down and he moved his hips so I could pull his trousers down and then his boxers soon followed.

He moved us around to a comfier position with him in the middle of the bed his head on the pillows looking up at me as he unclipped my bra and threw it to the floor with the rest of our discarded clothes. I was still straddling and my desire for him was growing, as was his if his moans were anything to go by. He rolled us over, obviously his impatience getting the better of him I wrapped my legs around his waist and threw my head back when he entered me roughly. My own thrusts matched each of his, as our mouths pressed roughly together, his tongue in my mouth stroking against mine as I dug my fingernails into his back, my own back arching. His hands moved down my body stroking my breasts and then to my core where his fingers rubbed against my swollen clit.

His lips found my breasts and he began to lavish them with attention whilst the tension grew before his lips were against mine again and we were desperately kissing, unable to get enough of one another. He reached his climax first, but carried on thrusting, his fingers rubbing against me and seconds later I too came with a cry.

He pulled out and rolled beside me, both of us gasping for air, sweaty and tired and I myself feeling satisfied. The guilt had began to subside after a while, this was survival. _Survival of the fittest _and if fucking Malfoy was one of my perks I was hardly complaining, it kept me alive, kept me wanting to carry on. The pleasure was superb.

After our breathing had calmed down he sat up and moved so that his back was to me, he legs over the side of the bed, his head was in his hands and I sat up unsure of what to do or say. Whether I should go or stay or whether I should just stay quiet, he stood up after a minute or so and pulled his boxers on, I followed suit and redressed, brushing my hair out of my face.

"You can go." He said, his voice showing no emotion, his back to me as he stared out of the window. I said nothing before apparating back to my room and walking into the bathroom, hurriedly undressing before stepping into the shower.

My tears mixed with the water and my sobs were too loud in the small room as I cried. My back pressed against the hard wall and I let my body slide down it before I wrapped my arms around my legs and pressed my head into my knees as the sobs wracked my body. I let out an angry cry and my hand slapped down against the shower floor a few times before the anger left me as quickly as it had come and the sadness and misery overwhelmed me like it so often did.

Because no matter what I wanted to be, I was no longer the old me and she was never going to come back. She had flown off long ago and that sorry excuse for a girl sitting on the shower floor was all that was left of me. The girl crying and alone was all that was left of me. The fight was slowly draining away and all that was left of me was a few shattered scraps of the strong willed girl I once was.

* * *

**Not much really happens here does it.  
**


	21. U

_**21. U**_  
The date was June 5th 1999, there we were nearly in the millennium year and there I was in captivity. I've worked it all out now, I was caught on November 13th 1998. It's peculiar I don't remember Christmas, no one said anything about it, when I asked Lily what happened on my first Christmas at the Manor she said that it just wasn't mentioned because it reminded everyone too much of how the traditionally family spent holiday was not spent that way. Apparently Malfoy had stayed at his parents' chalet in France for Christmas.

I find it weird that it don't remember it.

Although the last 7 months did go incredibly fast.

* * *

It's funny, the lengths you'll go to for someone you love. The worst lies we tell are to protect the ones we love. Those people who say love isn't true are foolish, because you wouldn't die for just any old person who took your fancy. Ginny may have wanted to die, but she lived for Harry, because she loved him. Take Susan Bones for example, she loved Justin so much – she died because _he_ died. She just couldn't bear life without him. Both Ginny and Susan were undoubtedly in love, just they acted differently, maybe if Susan had thought about it she would have lived for Justin. Who knows?

It's crazy what you'll do if you love someone. I always wanted a love like that, so all consuming and meaningful that life without that one person just seemed far too unbearable. But at the same time it's a terrifying kind of love, loving someone with all your heart and living solely for them. Trusting them not to break your heart, giving them everything and hoping they don't decide that they don't want it after a while.

A terrifying but awe inspiring thought. I think that's the kind of love that people aspire to have, only a few get it, but those that do. Well... What more can be said other than that they are incredibly lucky.

After all; it's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.

I think I would have given anything to find that kind of love when I was a teenager, I dreamed of that, I dreamed of finding _the one _and living my happily ever after. I dreamt up scenario after scenario of finding the man I would spend the rest of my life with.

You know I always liked the thought of only ever being with one person. I liked the thought of having sex for the first time with someone you truly loved and planned on spending the rest of your life with. You know the first night of the honeymoon.

It was _supposed_ to mean something for me.

I thought that it was almost ironic that I probably would only ever be with one person in my life, I had serious doubts that I would ever actually get out of the Manor alive, and as things were going I didn't suppose Malfoy would let any other men have me. _Small mercies. _The irony of it all was a little amusing, expect he wasn't _the one, _he was a monster. He was selfish and he was playing games with me.

When I was younger, a little girl, I only thought the world was as big as it was for me. I didn't realise there was anything further away than my grandparents house in Kent. Of course I'd heard about other countries and I knew of a France and Germany and Spain but I hadn't been there, so they weren't real to me.

It was kind of like that in Manor, I had been for what seemed for so long with no contact to the outside world it was almost as if that was all there was. Like if I went outside the gates there would be nothing because the Manor was my world and it was all I knew. It was funny to realise just how small my world was, how insignificant I was, at least before I was captured I was on the outside I felt as if I was actually doing something. Confined in that place I was nothing and could do nothing. I was leading a useless existence and I hated that I was doing nothing. I wasn't fighting, I was just sitting around and fucking Malfoy. But then I've always been a believer in fate and if it's mean to be it will be.

The concept of having everything planned out for you before you even actually receive life, that no matter what you do your life will follow the path that has been laid down for you. It's quite restricting, yet I like it, no matter what I do, what's going to happen will happen, don't fight the inevitable. Yet at the same time, it's not that great, because then you have no free will. You can't change the course of your life no matter what.

I like the thought of my life being planned out for me, nothing I can do will change it, not that I know if that's even possible, if my life is planned out for me. But I like it, because it means I don't have to worry about what I do, or can just do it and things will happen that way, no matter what. Any mistakes I make are _meant _to happen, so why fight it?

But then again, if people just trust fate they do nothing with their lives, they don't fight for anything or do anything of value, because it it's meant to happen it will. It makes you lazy.

Some people hate the thought of having no power over their lives, so they try to fight it, but if that concept is true, you're meant to try to fight it and what happens after that, is written out for you.

So really maybe I was _meant _to come to the Manor and sleep with Draco Malfoy.

That's just life, you never really know what's happening until it's too late. In a strange kind of way, the concept of fate does make me feel free, but in a way I can only seem to make sense of it in my mind. So many things make sense in my mind and then I try to explain them, or write them and they come out a jumbled mess of raw thoughts and ideas.

* * *

I was wandering the Malfoy corridors as I so often did when I wanted to think, I more often than not ended up in the library, squeezing more and more knowledge into my already knowledge filled brain. But other times I simply wandered and investigated the Manor. I had been in most of the rooms, but I carried on just searching around. Purely out of boredom and curiosity.

I wanted to find something interesting.

I planned to go back to Malfoy's diary, but I was scared of running into him, I was waiting for him to go away for a while and then I wouldn't be so scared of being found out, I never knew where he was or when he would be back, if he was out.

I was wandering the Manor on this particular day, I stumbled across a study, Draco's study to be quite exact. Being a curious kind of person, I investigated, there was a large wooden desk, grand looking, there were bookcases full of row upon rows of ancient looking books.

But what caught my attention was the letter on the desk...

The letter on the desk had already been opened and I saw no harm in seeing what was inside the crimson envelope. There was one sheet of paper folded in half and as I unfolded it I saw the small square picture. It said on the back _Ron Weasley and others of the rebellion _in scrawling writing, I turned it over in desperation to see Ron as my heart thundered away in my chest. There he was, he looked older, he had a hardness in his eyes I had never seen before. He looked like he had seen terrible things, and maybe even done them. He looked hard and cold, terribly different from when he had been at Hogwarts.

He wasn't smiling and it didn't look like he had been doing so for quite some time, his hair was longer and reminded me of Harry's, it was unbrushed and messy and I wondered what his mother would have said. He had stubble on his face, making him look older and I felt the tears in my eyes as I realised just what this war had done to the once care free Ron Weasley.

What it had done to us all.

He was fighting in the picture, his wand was drawn and the green light was shooting from his wand, hitting a Death Eater I did not know. The light hit in the picture and the Death Eater fell dead to the floor. With grim determination Ron began to battle another Death Eater and I wondered if he ever thought of me. I supposed he did, I wondered if he knew whether I was alive or not, I prayed he knew I was alive, at least that would make life a little easier for him.

I recognised a few of the other people in the picture who were battling with Ron, I recognised a few from my Hogwarts years but their names escaped me. That saddened me because I felt I should have remembered them. I recognised Dean Thomas and I immediately looked for Seamus Finnigan. _And then remembered. _I tried to forget Seamus Finnigan and began to read the letter.

_Draco, _

_The rebellion is growing. The Dark Lord is becoming angrier and angrier with every new thing he hears about them. Ronald Weasley is of course at their head. I always thought he wasn't that clever, but evidently we underestimated him. What foolish mistakes we have made. _

_The photo attached is from the battle last week. They took down many of our strongest fighters. I fear that the only way to truly end the rebellion is to crush them at the centre. And that centre would be Weasley. We don't know where their headquarters are, or when they will next attack. I have a feeling that they must have someone on the inside, they always know exactly when to ambush us and always come out on top._

_So many pureblood families, as you may have heard, have turned to the Order of the Phoenix and joined its ranks. They fear that the Dark Lord's action are too extreme, he is too radical._

_We ourselves need someone on the inside, I have tried to make contact with a few of the more easily manipulated members, but as of yet; no hope. We are going to have to find a pureblood family and make it look like they were following the others, I have proposed this idea to the Dark Lord, he was very pleased with the idea. You and I Draco are going to be in charge of this. It will appease the Dark Lord greatly is we can take down the rebellion._

_Yours Sincerely,_

_Theodore. _

The grin spread across my face and I grinned down at the picture of Ron, because my best friend was alive and well and he hadn't been caught. Because the rebellion was growing and I knew they wouldn't be stupid enough to let spies into their midst. They would check their minds and use intricate spells. They weren't foolish enough to let the Death Eaters infiltrate them, that much I was sure.

I was hopeful that given time, the Order of the Phoenix could change things. I hurriedly put the letter back as I had found it, and left Malfoy's office, I didn't want to be caught in there. The knowledge that Ron was alive placed a bounce in my step as I walked away, and through the Manor.

My thoughts didn't stay high or long, I was brought back to Seamus Finnigan. The story of my time before I was captured by Draco is not a pretty one. My memories of Alicia, Justin and Susan are unpleasant. As is the memory of Katie Bell's separation from the group.

Before Katie was taken and after Justin and Susan's death it was Ginny, Seamus, Katie and I. We were desperate, food supplies were dimming and we knew that we desperately needed to find more. We apparated to just outside a muggle village in the countryside, we were stupid to think that there would be no Death Eaters in the village, naive and inexperienced. Foolish to think that they were not tracing all apparitions. I still blame myself, even now, I _should _have known better, been more prepared, as it happened on entrance to the village we were attacked.

We duelled, there were three of them, we should have had the upper hand, but it didn't happen that way, I was pre-occupied, we all were and then Katie was screaming and one of the Death Eaters had his arm round her neck, his body behind hers. She was crying and screaming, his wand was pressed to her temple. I stepped forwards, to try to do something, anything. He disapparated. He was gone, the others went too, we had been winning, but they took Katie with them.

_And then there were three. _

I wonder about poor Katie sometimes, is she like me? Is she a servant in someone's house? Is it Zabini's? Or is it someone I don't know, some cruel dark wizard proud of his war prize.

We should have known better.

We knew then that things weren't going to get better.

The door in front of me swung open, and I was jerked from my Malfoy walked out the room.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"Just thinking." I told him. "You don't know what happened to Katie Bell do you?" I asked him.

"She was Gryffindor, played Quidditch?"

"Yes that's the one." I said.

"Why do you want to know what happened to her?" He asked.

"Before you caught me she was with us, I mean a week or two before, she was captured by a Death Eater, we were fighting and then..." I trailed off, "He just apparated away with her. Just like that." I said sadly.

"I have no clue." He was staring at me like I was crazy.

"Thank you." I murmured, before moving to walk past him, he caught my wrist and spun me round. "What?" I asked him, studying his face as he studies mine.

"Come on," he said, pulling my wrist before I relented and began to follow him, he still held my wrist.

"Where are we going?" I asked worriedly, I didn't want to visit the dungeons, ever again.

"Dinner." He said.

"I'm having dinner with you?" I asked, confused.

"Yes Granger you are." He said sternly. I was used to his strange nature but this point, used to his mood swings from anger to kindness. Used to how he was, but I didn't want to be _used _to Draco Malfoy, it meant I had spent copious amounts of time in his company.

We were seated in there large dining room, opposite each other at the large table, in the middle, I was looking anywhere but him, and I could feel his eyes taking me in. I hated his staring, he had the kind of eyes that felt like they were seeing right through you.

Food appeared in front of me, I waited for him to pick up his cutlery before I did.

"So why am I having dinner with you then?" I asked him, he shrugged.

"Maybe I felt like company."

"Aren't I special for being chosen." I said and smiley coyly at him, he raised an eyebrow before swirling his wine and then drinking.

"Don't flatter yourself. With your mouth closed you're far better company." He said dryly.

"Oh how you wound me Draco." I purred, playing a game, I knew I was playing a foolish game but how could I help it? It was my birthday and I could do what I wanted to. He made no reply and we carried on eating, it was delicious, of course, it would be, the Malfoy house elves are spectacular cooks.

"Do you like it?" He asked, the fact he was asking my opinion threw me off to start with, the fact he seemed serious confused me even further.

"Delicious." I replied. He said nothing and I was as confused as ever, as I always was in his presence, because he never made sense, he wasn't simple, he wasn't a (2 + 2) – 1 kind of calculations, he was square roots and pi and divide by this and multiply by that and add that, then subtract this and add 7. Not that anyone is simple to read, or work out, just that people are easier to read than he is, just that I could usually tell what people were thinking or their emotions.

Draco Malfoy was a mystery – and I wasn't so sure if I actually wanted to solve it. Or if anyone _could _solve such an equation. Because I knew for certain that I was finding it impossible.

We finished our meal in silence, I didn't think any dessert was going to come so I stood up and began to walk towards the door.

"Don't I get a thank you?" He asked, I stopped and turned.

"Thank you." I said, he beckoned me to him.

"What kind of thank you is that Mia?" He asked and then it was obvious what he wanted, but it was my birthday and yes, I could cry if I wanted to, but I didn't want to.

Not now, not ever.

He pushed his chair away and kind of smiled at me, I stopped in front of him and his hands moved to my hips, not hard, not forceful, just there.

I leant towards him and his eyes locked with mine, my lips brushed his gently, I closed my eyes and he moved his head so that his lips pressed firmer against mine, my hands rested on his shoulders and I tilted my head for better access to his mouth, parting my lips and brushing my tongue against his. He kissed me back and it was nice, and it was passionate and it made me feel so alive at that moment.

It wasn't a long kiss, I pulled away after a while, whispered "thank you" and then turned and walked away, out the door, down the corridor, down the stairs, along the corridor. To my bedroom. I didn't know if he'd follow, if he wanted more, maybe _I_ did, but _I_ didn't at the same time.

I was 19 years old and I didn't want to remember it as a day full of fucking Draco. It would be remembered as the day that I found out Ron was alive, that the light side were strong and fighting and there was a _tiny, tiny _chance that maybe, just maybe this could all be over.

So I kissed Draco Malfoy and it was what I had wanted, it wasn't sex, I didn't want the sex, didn't feel like I could have the sex when my mind was full of Ron's angry face, full of Ginny's accusing eyes and Harry's disappointment. Because I was feeling guilty and I just knew that if they could have been there that's what they would have looked like.

And the truth is we're all looking for something to take away the pain. So don't fucking judge me. Because in times of war and pain and terror and fear we all make mistakes. We do things we may regret because we don't want to die with regrets. Because you don't want to regret doing that one thing before you die, even though if you live you will regret it. You can't win really, whatever you do you could loose.

But I was scared and lonely and I spend my whole life apologising to anyone, justifying my actions.

I suppose we all get lonely, even proud Draco, it must be lonely, it must be sad. Even though his father is, no, _was_, a despicable man he was still a father. Everyone is something to someone. Like the man you sat next to on the train today, he's a father or a brother, or a son or an uncle or nephew. But he's something. It's funny, to someone you could be their _everything. _Or at least if not everything, at the very least something.

I read somewhere that;

Every night at least someone thinks of you before they go to sleep,

5 people in this world love you so much they'd die for you

At least 15 people in the world love you in some way

And that you mean the world to someone.

I thought it was sweet, I mean it's nice to think that someone's thinking of you, that people love you, people care. To someone you are they're everything. This thought always made me feel special.

Oh how I miss Harry, poor, poor Harry who spent his whole life trying to fight the dark side and in the end it was all for nothing. How I miss Ron, Ron who has now taken over Harry's role, who is the figurehead of the light side, he leads them. The people I think of every night before I go to sleep are; Ron, Harry, and my parents. And Draco Malfoy, he never really leaves my thoughts. He is in my mind night and day, night and day.

Oh what Harry and Ron would think of me now, having dinner with Draco, living in his house, sleeping with him. Oh how evil I have become. _Who have I become?_

Ron and even Harry always thought that some people were just born evil. Born with some gene in them that would turn them into a killer, their genetic makeup had evil in it, it was inevitable. I like to think that we all have some evil and some good in us, but it's what we choose to do with that thing inside of us that makes us good or evil. Maybe we all have _killer _genes, but some are turned on and some are off, maybe it could lay dormant for years and then suddenly be activated.

It's the long argued nature versus nurture debate. I think maybe a bit of both, but then I've always liked to sit on the fence with these kind of debates, because that way you get the best of both. I think both nature and nurture play a part in how you turn out.

I once read somewhere that; we stop looking for the monsters under our beds because we realise that the monsters are inside of us. It's kind of true isn't it; I mean the monsters under our beds as children are our own minds creation. If we are capable of imagining terrible monsters it's almost logical that they are inside of us. We all have monsters under our beds, but I think as you grow older they are skeletons in our cupboards. The monsters are our secrets and the things we have done which we should not have. We all have monsters and they are so much more real in adulthood than they are in childhood. Because children are innocent and ignorant in their naivety.

What you are is influenced so much by your parents that even after they are long gone and dead they are still part of you. That was a comforting thought for me, they may not have been dead, of they could have been and I just didn't know, but it was comforting that they had influenced me so much over my life that they would never truly be gone. They could have been alive in Australia but I didn't know. In my heart however they would always live on. Inside of me and as the person that it was they lived on. They made me who I am.

Just like Narcissa and Lucius made Draco who he was. Because of Narcissa spoiling him and Lucius trying to turn him into the next Dark Lord. Nature versus nurture. You could say it was in Draco's nature to be _evil_ because of his parents, his ancestry. Or is it the way he was brought up and the way his parents were brought up?

I guess that it's just one of those things we will _never ever _know. Mores the shame...

I was 19years old that day. I ate dinner, and then I kissed Draco Malfoy. It wasn't a particularly different day.

But I had a nice dinner. Maybe he knew.

It was much the same as my other days but this is life now.

I eat sleep and breathe captivity, I live and laugh the Manor, I cry and cry Draco Malfoy.

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me.

* * *

**Birthdays are always so rubbish, they get bigged up so much that they can never possibly be that amazing.**


	22. V

_**22. V**_  
I like the thought of him as poison, slowly running through my veins, slowly turning me into something else. He was poison, he was spreading and slowly killing me, making me into this person I never used to be.

But I'm as much to blame as him, I did this to myself, I kissed him back each and every time, maybe there was warped logic behind it, but I did it too. He was a possessive and cruel type of man, one you never get too close to.

The enmity grows until we're swallowed up in the hate and disgust. I tried to encompass him in compassion, I failed. Because it's a truth universally acknowledged that hate is stronger than love, we must remind ourselves to love, whereas hate comes naturally. It comes strongly and with hate comes anger and animosity. One can never overcome hate, but a person can overcome love, move on with life, live. But hate, well hate hangs around, like a bad odour, it can follow you forever you may hate a person and then you may grow to like them, but the hate will never leave.

So maybe that's why the enmity swallowed us up so wholly because our hate for one another was so much stronger than anything else ever could be, and then there was nothing but anger and rage and desperate lust.

The hate just seemed to fade after a while. I didn't hate him, I can't even say I loathed him. I even quite liked him, he was interesting. Maybe he thought I was too.

_Broken people are dangerous because they know they can surviv__e time and time again they will piece themselves back together. _Someone once told me that, what a load of absolute rubbish. Broken people aren't dangerous because of that first word, they're broken. Sure it means that we might be strong enough to survive but it means we're hopeless and sad and just because you can survive doesn't make you 'dangerous' it makes you strong. Being broken forces you to be strong, to carry on through all the bad stuff because you hope that at the end of that tunnel you can be strong again. You can be fixed, just because you are surviving doesn't mean you're alive, doesn't mean you're living.

Being alive is not taking a second for granted, smiling because you can, crying because you can. Laughing with friends loving your family, having people to support you through it all. Survival is easy, it's the living that's tough, living through the unbearable reality of life and all its ups and downs. More so the latter for me, because down is where Draco Malfoy seems to lead you. Down, down, down to the pits of despair and unbearable pathetic self loathing. Yet at the same time, he didn't, the self loathing had passed, I was okay with it, there was no point living in the past.

* * *

Time is painful and it goes oh so painfully slow. Yet looking back it seems to have flown by. The tedious months seems to have swept right by with barely a second thought.

_**June**_ –

The end was as uneventful as the beginning. My birthday but a distant memory.

Have you ever wished so hard for something that when it doesn't happen you feel an actual physical loss?

I wished for life as it used to be.

I felt even emptier than I did before.

_**July**_ –

Summer. Summer. Summer.

We lounged on the grass, Lily, Anya, Rosie and I.

Rosie told us a story of her childhood: at her muggle school, it was nearing the summer and all the children were desperate for the summer holidays. Itching to be out and free; doing as they pleased. She told us of how the teachers took them on a trip to Brighton beach and they spent the day sunbathing and eating ice cream and sandwiches full of sand.

As it always is with the beach. My memories of the beach are sandwiches full of sand and cold salty water engulfing me.

I longed for the beach some days.

_**August **_–

August was full of Draco and his burning kisses. Caught in tangled sheets as the heat enveloped us.

His lips on mine and hands fumbling across hot skin, ripping sweat covered clothes from sun tanned bodies. Bodies pressing together in heat so electric it seared us.

Him deep inside of me, connected in the most intimate of ways. Our bodies moving together in synchrony, satisfaction buzzing around in the very air surrounding us.

We would reach our climax and lie far too close for comfort in the hot air after it was done. Sweat dripping and breath panting as our bodies relaxed together.

_**September **_–

The summer ending, long hot days in the summer sun were coming to an end.

The dull monotonous days of winter approaching.

I was stung by a bee, right on my thumb, Draco kissed it better and the act of endearment made my heart flutter uncomfortably and unnaturally. I feared a heart attack or stroke at that moment. I was fine, I recovered.

My thumb stopped hurting.

I awoke from a dream where I was free.

Dreams are truly cruel sometimes.

_**October**_ –

Autumn had come. The long hot summer was over and everything seems so much more real and troubling.

And all the trees were beautiful orange colours and there was a feeling inside me that was not quite right and it felt as if what was approaching was not good.

The relaxation was over. The sun wasn't so warm and the bee sting on my thumb has gone. Just like the easiness of September.

_**November **_–

November is so close to December it's shocking and early December is so close to Christmas it's terrifying. Our summer tans had faded as had my freckles. They'll come back next year.

If we make it.

There were whispers of war everywhere I turned, Draco spent so much time cooped up in his study, working away. Plotting. Planning. Conspiring.

Then before I knew it 13 months or thereabout had flown past since I was captured, nearly the millennium year. The big 2000. How strange life can be.

_We were running, Seamus__, Ginny and I. We were being followed, it was terrifying because our capture was so inevitable. _

"_I'll hold them off. You two keep running." Seamus said stopping with his wand raised, turning away from us, I caught one last glimpse of him duelling the black cloaked men. Then he was out of sight and Ginny and I were running for our lives. _

I woke up gasping. I never got to thank him, he's dead, I have absolutely no doubt about it.

That was right before. Before I was captured.

-Detained

-Confined

-Seized

-Acquired

-Obtained

-Trapped

-Ensnared

I arose from the bed, he didn't stir, he never did. He was always exhausted from his day of planning, constantly bent over his desk scribbling away or reading letters from his allies.

I stared out the window. I didn't really feel like I missed not having a wand, it had been so long since I had, that not having one was normal. I breathed onto the window pane and traced a heart onto it with my fingertip. I rubbed it out with my palm and breathed onto the window again. I stared hard at the window pane, imagining an intricate pattern traced onto the condensation, it slowly appeared. It was elaborate and pretty, delicate. I only missed magic. Not my wand. I missed the way magic could be; delicate and beautiful.

It was completely convoluted. Far too complex to ever understand. Magic is so confusing and, well incredible. But sometimes I wish for the plain elegance of doing something for myself. I miss muggle things. Muggle things are simple, everything has a scientific explanation. That's how I was brought up, look for the facts, magic is unrealistic. But the fairytales stayed ingrained into my memories and then it was real and magic was reality.

Science no longer explained everything.

I wish sometimes I had ignored that tawny owl with ruffled feathers who insistently flew at me with a letter tied to its leg. I wish that I stayed in my safe little muggle street and went to the local secondary school with my muggle friends. I wish that I had not been part of this world and I had never cried in a Hogwarts toilet and had been attacked by a troll, I wish I never met Harry and Ron. But mostly I wish I never knew that little blonde boy with piercing grey eyes who introduced me to the prejudices of a wizarding world when you are a lowly mudblood. I sometimes wish I was just a normal little girl, who stuck to good solid facts.

Maybe then if the wizarding world had not existed for me then it would not have existed at all and I would not become the person I am. I wish that this was not life and that I was not this girl.

But then I remember my friends and the wonderful things I have seen. The people I have met. The truly incredible magic I have done. And I can't even bear the thought of those people not existing, not being part of my life. The thought of being an ordinary muggle was somewhat terrifying.

"Come back to bed Mia." Draco said and I jumped rubbing out the pattern with my hand, getting up from the sill and walking over, I got under the silken covers and he pulled me to him, his arms around my waist. "Mia." He whispered.

"Draco." I replied.

"The war's coming." He said, I inhaled fast, because until then there had just been whispers, I just had inklings of an idea.

"When?" I asked.

"Soon, so very soon."

"Are the light strong?"

"Too strong, we need more training and Death Eaters, people are deserting and the light gets stronger by day." I smiled.

"I knew Ron could do it." I murmured.

"I didn't think he had it in him. I underestimated Weasley."

"Everybody always does." I said.

"Isn't it peculiar, we're on opposite sides yet we're discussing it like comrades."

"I'm hardly on a side. I'm here, in the very fold of the dark side."

"You're part of _my_ side."

"Not in mind Draco." I said.

"No. Never." He mumbled, sleep overcame him, I was not so lucky. I was left thinking about him.

Draco Malfoy was convoluted. He was a conundrum.

War was coming, he had confirmed it, oh so terrifying and oh so real.

Life as I knew it was changing. War was coming. And with war comes freedom.

Could it really be ending?

Could it possibly be nearing the time where freedom was a mere possibility?

Could I possibly be parted from Draco?

* * *

**Hmmm short but sweet?**


	23. W

_**CHAPTER 23**_  
W is for war.

Wail. Waiting. Wake. Walled. Wand. Warble. Wary. Watch. Wave.

War was upon us.

Wailing was fruitless.

Waiting was over.

Wake after wake would ensue.

Walled in. Surrounded.

Wand, back in my hands.

Warble and warble for the lost.

Wary, for the wise are wary.

Watch, your, back.

Wave goodbye to _everything:_

You

Have

Ever

Known.

**War**

1. A state of open, armed, often prolonged conflict carried on between nations, states, or parties.

2. The period of such conflict.

3. The techniques and procedures of war; military science.

4. A condition of active antagonism or contention: a war of words; a price war.

5. A concerted effort or campaign to combat or put an end to something considered injurious: the war against acid rain.

_December 14__th_

I didn't know what was happening, but what I did know was that the loud banging coming from outside the Manor was menacing and that it meant something big was to happen. I guessed that someone, was using very powerful spells on the Malfoy Manor gates and the booming noises coming at quite regular intervals were the great gates weakening with each spell.

I felt the sensation of being called and was in the kitchens along with all the other girls staring wide eyed at Draco, who was pacing up and down, up and down with grim determination across his face. He halted and stared at us.

"That out there is the light side." He said and I felt my heart flutter inside my chest. "They are stronger than we had assumed." He looked terrified, I didn't blame him. "The other Death Eaters will all be here soon." His eyes met mine as he spoke, "I'm giving you the choice. You can stay here and fight with your side or you can leave." He pulled a handful of wands from inside his robes.

"Can some go and some stay?" I asked, he nodded.

"Jane has already gone, she sent on her best regards and wished you luck." He said and I turned around to everyone, talking charge, as was my nature. "Non-magical must leave." I said, Suzie, Martha, Lily and Ellie nodded, in understanding. "I'm sorry, Sophie and Evie, but I think you should go, you're too young and it's been a long time since you've been able to practice magic, I think you'll be safer away from here."

"I understand." Evie said.

"We'll go." Sophie agreed.

"You can floo from this fireplace." Draco said.

"Where to?" Lily asked.

"Go to 12 Grimmauld Place."

"What's that?" Sophie asked

"It was being used as headquarters, whether it still is I don't know, but go there." I said, we all hugged, I hugged Lily tightly trying to hold back the tears.

"This is_ not_ the last time we'll meet." She whispered into my ear.

"I love you Lily." I whispered back.

"Love you too Mia." We were all sobbing by the time we had bid our farewells and Draco had given Sophie and Evie their wands and then it was just Lauren, Anya, Rosie and myself. Nancy had chosen to go with her friends and I understood.

And then my wand was in my hand and it felt strangely foreign and weird.

Heavy and unnecessary.

"I want to talk to you Mia." Draco said and I followed him out the door. Leaving the three girls to get used to having their wands again. We ended up in my room, I sat on the bed and he stood by the door staring at me, my heart juddered in my chest as I thought about it all.

"Thank you Draco."I whispered, because he didn't have to give us all our wands or let us go, the dark side could win, we didn't know.

"That's okay." He said back quietly and I placed my wand on the bedside table before I stood up and walked towards him so I was right in front of him. He delved a hand into his pocket and pulled out the pearls and held them out to me, I put my hand out and took them, staring up at him, he didn't meet my eyes. "I guess you're the rightful owner." He murmured quietly.

"Thank you." I said slowly.

"Keep them safe Mia." I nodded before walking back over to where my wand was and casting a spell on the bottom right hand side of my dress. Creating a small pocket, I cast a shrinking spell on the pearls and dropped them into the pocket. I cast another spell and sealed the pocket tight shut and then put my want down and walked back over to him.

And I just wanted to be close to him for one last time, he bent down and pressed his lips to mine in a slow and unhurried kiss, much unlike the others we had shared. It was _goodbye_ and _I'm_ _sorry_ and _I do care about you_ all wrapped into one, it was the end and the start of a beginning as we lay down on my bed, his body pressed against mine, reminding me that no matter what; _I was his_ and always would be and I was glad for that because I didn't think I wanted to be anyone else's really.

Lips feverishly together, clutching at one another, a desperate hint of goodbye and ending. Because it was the last. We both knew it, so we kissed with passion and moved our body's together, desire surrounding us.

We lay together for a few minutes, wrapped in an embrace, I was memorising everything I could about him, because I had serious doubt we would both survive and if we did, well he'd go to Azkaban if light won, and I would be killed if not. Most probably.

He stood to pull on his clothes and I did the same. And I knew that as soon as I stepped out the door of the room that had been mine for months and months it would all be over, because no matter what; once this battle was over I would either be dead or free. They're much the same though aren't they? Death would free me. So I'd either be alive or dead, free or imprisoned.

But this much I was certain; everything, everything was going to change because if the dark side won I would no longer be anything to anyone, Draco would get new slaves, better slaves so I would be killed. Or the Order would win and depending on whether I survived the battle I could be free. Or I could be dead. Same difference.

And I knew that if I never said anything I would regret it for the rest of my days, and if I did say something I'd probably regret that too, but I decided I would rather regret saying something than saying nothing.

"Whatever happens Draco, I don't hate you." I told him quietly, because I didn't know what to say and I needed him to know that no matter what he'd done I was over that, I would never understand _him. _But I understood his motives on a basic level. I'm sure in his position I would have done the same. I would have done what I was told.

He stood with his back to me and his hand on the door handle perfectly still. I wasn't expecting him to say anything back, I didn't really want his words, I just said it so that my regrets wouldn't haunt me so badly.

"Well you should." He said quietly.

"I wish I did Draco. I forgive you." I said, ashamed that my voice wavered as the tears slipped down my cheeks. He turned and stared at me, I bit my lip and raised my hands to wipe away my tears.

"After everything I've done you tell me you don't hate me and forgive me? I don't fucking want your forgiveness, take it back." He said shaking his head.

"Never." I whispered. "I'm not expecting you to say anything, you can go, I just had to tell you before... _this._" I told him honestly. "I don't want more regrets." I whispered, "I need you to know I forgive you."

"I care about you, you know." He said, not meeting my eyes, I stared at him.

"I know." I said quietly.

"Fight well, see you up there, I think that it's about to begin." He whispered, he stepped forwards and pressed his lips to mine in one last chaste kiss, before pushing down the right side of my dress and kissing my right shoulder. My heart fluttered because he remembered and because it meant so much to me. Far too much to me.

"I don't hate you. Forgive me, Mia." He said before turning and opening the door and walking away.

I wiped away my tears and walked briskly to the kitchen as if what had happened was nothing.

"Everything okay?" Rosie asked as I entered the room.

"Never better." I said and smiled. "Ready for the fight of your life ladies?" I asked and laughed, they joined in and nodded.

"Of course." Anya cried and I chuckled.

"Shall we go up?" I asked.

"Yes." Lauren said, we hugged then, all together and told each other that we _would _get through this, and this wouldn't be the end of 'Malfoy's girls', we would meet and talk and be free once this was over, we would get through this. We'd come out the other side together _free_ women.

Then we could hear it above us, the thundering of many feet and the cries of spells, as we went to join the battle.

It had been a year or thereabouts since I had last battled, but as soon as I was there amongst the sea of spells I knew what I was doing, my instinct kicked in and I truly felt as if it was only yesterday I had been battling my life away. And I wasn't using simple spells, no _good_ spells, I was killing the black cloaked men and women with masks, _Avada Kedavra _rolled off my tongue as easily as _1 2 3. _I was duelling and I must have looked half crazed, I felt crazy, all the pent up energy and magic had built up, and I was strong and powerful and it felt so right to be fighting once again.

There was Ron. There was Ron right next to me, and I felt such a huge sense of relief I had to hold myself back from throwing my arms around him, but in battle there is no time for that. He simply looked over and caught my eye, he looked shocked, then he smiled briefly at me before turning back to battle. I did the same, we could be re- acquainted with one another after the battle. And if either of us didn't make it, at least we had that one last smile.

I don't know who it was I was fighting,

I didn't care. As long as they were Death Eaters it mattered little.

[As long as they weren't Draco it mattered little.]

Then people were shouting that Voldemort and Ron were battling, both sides were converging in a sea of angry bodies as we surrounded the two leaders. Ron was battling like I had never seen him battle, throwing hateful spell after spell, one of Voldemort's Death Eaters tried to intervene, Voldemort killed him with a flick of his wand in the other direction. It was his way of saying that he didn't need help, he didn't need his servants. But Ron was good.

I assumed that Voldemort had no horcux's left, Harry was dead and that was the last part of him left. Ron hit him with a crucio and the so called 'great man' cried out, my eyes locked with stormy grey eyes across the other side of the sea of people and I knew he remembered that I never cried out, I was too strong. We jeered and laughed as Voldemort shrieked and then Ron hit him with the killing curse, the green light hit him in the chest and he fell forwards into the mud and didn't move. It was done, Death Eaters were being cursed, killed or some other kind of torture.

And when I looked again there were no grey eyes in the sea of people, there were few people left really, most of the dark side had apparated away. I eyed the bodies on the floor, wondering if he has escaped of if he was casualty.

Then my hand was burning and I gasped in shock, I heard Lauren's cry of pain and sought her out in the crowd of people, I looked around for Anya and Rosie but saw nobody, I eyed the casualties on our side, strewn about in any old clothes, we could only tell which side people were on due to the black cloaks or lack of. I reached Lauren and stared at my hand, she was clasping her right shoulder, I pushed the shoulder of her dress down to see it pulsing bright red, just like my hand and then it shone white, and then nothing. It was there black and obvious but I felt nothing.

"He's dead." I whispered and there were tears in my eyes, not of happiness but of sadness and then I saw it, one of the black cloaked figures who had fallen to the ground was half on their side and I could make out ivory skin and blonde hair. The brightest blonde. "It's him," I said pointing at the figure.

I began to walk over, Lauren caught my hand and we walked over to the body of our dead Master, I fell down onto my knees beside him and pushed him onto his back. Pulling the despicable mask from his face, his eyes were open and had a look of shock in them, I pushed his hood back and his blonde hair was completely on show. It was him and it was terrifying and my heart felt funny in my chest and I was feeling such sadness it was ridiculous. Lauren let out a strangled laugh and I could see the tears in her eyes, but they were joyful tears, she was happy. I so badly wanted to agree, but instead I looked away and far too tenderly for someone who had been held captive for months on end I pushed his eyelids close.

"We're free Mia." She said and laughed and then began to sob uncontrollably, "Anya and Rosie, where are they?" She asked crying.

"I could probably call them." I said deep in thought, "Using this." I said holding out my left palm where his mark still was.

"Do it. Please, I couldn't bear it if they were..." She trailed off.

"It might not work now he's dead and if they're dead nothing will appear." I said and I closed my eyes and pressed my fingertips to my palm, my wand seemed too heavy in my hand, not quite right, a little off. I concentrated harder that I had in so long, thinking hard of Anya, and then I felt the sensation of pulling something and I did, I pulled her to me with my mind, she appeared lying on the ground, her breathing shallow, Lauren immediately began to see to her. I concentrated on Rosie, searching for her with my mind, imagining her dark brown eyes and pale skin. There was still nothing.

Rosie was dead, I burst out sobbing then and caught Lauren's eye who closed her eyes and began to cry, I attempted to compose myself and shook Anya before casting a spell using the wand I was so unused to. She had been cursed, nothing drastic, surprisingly, just to be knocked out, I wondered which Death Eater would have done that, I cast another spell to find out which want had sent the spell, a light came from the by Draco, the wand in his hands shone brightly and then I knew.

He wasn't so evil really. Maybe he had seen her struggling and decided it was easier just to knock her out, or maybe he tried to kill and just couldn't. I guess I would never know. Anya coughed violently and sat up, looking around in shock, and then at us and the around for what I assumed would be Rosie.

"She didn't make it." I said and rubbed her back, she looked at me in disbelief.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, there's nothing there, no connection, I'm so sorry Anya." I said, she looked down, her eyes watering.

And then I remembered the diary. The journal. The inner most thoughts of Draco Malfoy.

"I... I have to do something." I said to them, jumping up and running towards the Manor. Inside and up stairs, along corridors. And then I was there standing in the entrance of his old room, gasping and crying and desperate. I fell onto the bed and pulled the diary from under his pillow and sat staring at it.

"Hermione!" A voice was calling, Ron's voice. I shrank the diary with shaking hands and reopened the little pocket, adding it to the pearls. Then resealing the pocket.

"Ron?" I called stepping out the room and walking down the corridor.

"Hermione." He whispered standing still, I grinned and walked forwards hugging him tightly. Sobbing. For him, for Draco, for Harry and for everything.

"Oh Ron, it's been so long!" I sighed.

"I've missed you." He said.

"Me too." I murmured pulling away and taking a step back at the best friend I had once love so dearly, who I still loved dearly. He was no boy, he was a man. He was unknown, unchartered territory.

"What are you doing in here? It's a fucking maze, one of those girls said you'd run in here like a mad woman." And he spoke differently, harsher, more punctuated, quicker.

"Just, I wanted to get some of all our stuff."

"You were staying here then? I heard rumours, people said Malfoy had girls, I thought it may have been too much to hope you were alive. But I thought you must have been." He said.

"Yes, I've been here since last November." I said.

"Ginny?" He asked. "You were with her. Did she make it?" He asked.

"Ron I'm so sorry." I whispered, he looked away and sighed.

"What happened?"

"We were running from Dra- Malfoy, and some other Death Eaters, she died as we were running away. Then they shot for me but I tripped and they missed, I got taken to Voldemort and he tortured me a bit and then gave me to Malfoy." I told him.

"I didn't think she was alive. No one had heard anything, there were whispers about you but never Ginny."

"I'm so sorry Ron."  
"It's okay. Anyway, did you want to get your things?" He asked.

"No. Not anymore. This life is over. I don't need anything from here." I told him.

I had all that I needed.

We went back to Grimmauld Place, it was fitting that where it all began it was ending. We sat huddled together, all us girls, sobbing about Rosie, and her death because really she shouldn't have died. I felt guilty I'd said she should stay, I have overestimated her ability to fight.

"Martha and Nancy are going to floo with me to my old house." Ellie said. "I think my parents have a chance of still being alive. Then we're going to check out Nancy's family." They said standing to go, we all stood and hugged as they went to leave Lauren did something unexpected.

"Promise to keep in touch Ellie? I know we've had our differences but we've been through so much together we owe it to Rosie to stay in touch." Lauren said tears in her eyes, Ellie smiled and embraced Lauren tightly.

"Of course, despite it all, I love you dearly Lauren." She said.

"I'll miss you all." Martha said smiling softly.

"You guys are my family." Nancy said, before throwing the floo powder and floo-ing to Lauren's old home, Martha followed suit with Ellie right after her.

"Sophie, Evie do you want to come with Lauren and I to see if we can find all our families?" Suzie asked, "You guys are welcome to come, I just assumed you would want to stay together."

"I don't really have a family to go to, well they're here if they're alive." Lily said referring to Ron.

"Yes I'll come." Sophie said.

"Me too." Evie replied.

"Can I come too?" Anya asked.

"Of course Anya, please do." Lauren said, we hugged and cried again and promised never to loose contact. And then there were two. Lily and I sat together and I began to cry uncontrollably.

"It's going to be okay Mia. I swear." She whispered.

_How would things ever be okay ever again?_

And for once Ron was the hero, he was our saviour, our hero. He was always in the background. It was fitting that he would become the saviour of the wizarding race. Yet it was Harry they all longed for with his father's hair and face but his mothers beautiful eyes.

Ron was no substitute, he was hard and cold and smiled less and less each day, not something that people wanted for their hero. Ron didn't smile easily and he wasn't comfortable with everyone staring yet he was our liberator. And nobody should ever forget that.

He finished what Harry started. Not many friends will kill for you. Not many friends will stick it out when times are tough. But Ron did.

For that we should be eternally thankful.

* * *

**It's been a while, but not as long as it has been in the past.**  
**Okay so I just need to finish the next chapter, 24 and 25 and 26 are already done.**  
**Wow this story is nearly over. **  
**This chapter is really the beginning of the end.  
Please review to let me know what you think. ****  
I hope you enjoy it.****  
S x  
**


	24. X

_**CHAPTER 24**_  
December 15th the first day of freedom.

_Young again._

_Black and white. Good and bad _

_No grey patches. No exceptions  
_

_Stormy hate filled eyes._

_Hands grasping – hair ripping._

_Silence. Silence. Silence._

_Gasps for breath. _

_Pain._

_Shame. _

_Hurt._

_Destruction. Of. Hope.  
_

_Grey soulless empty eyes._

_Pale gaunt faces. _

_Nobody's home; they didn't even leave the lights on._

_No good. No honour. No hope. _

_Empty, painful, nothingness._

_Air. Need. Air. Now. Breathe. Breath: Gasp._

_Back again, here again.  
_

_No good left. No white. All grey._

_Grey eyes. Grey life. Another shade of grey._

_Old again. Know again. Here now again._

_No good left at all.  
_

_Lost. Storm coming, help me.  
_

I gasped, breathing in hard and fast to get out of the horrific dream behind my eyes. Ripping myself from grey eyes and hate, there's nothing worse than regret.

Waking up day in and day out with it weighing heavier and heavier on your heart.

Looking back and wishing that things hadn't gone that way. Waking from dream after dream of people you once knew, people who meant more to you than you even realised at the time. Yet knowing in your heart of hearts that; no, you never will get over him. Because he was everything and it would be impossible to get over someone who _was_ your life. How do you forget about someone who was everything for a year of your life? How do you forget the one person who had the greatest impact on you and in essence made you who you are? How do you forget someone who meant everything to you and yet you hate to admit it? You can't talk about it with anyone because they wouldn't understand. So you keep it to yourself and wallow in the lost hope, lost future.

But I still feel the hate I always have for him but now it's different.

They say there's a fine line between love and hate. We danced along that line for most of my time at the Manor. Sometimes swaying one way, sometimes swaying the other.

I wanted to be away so bad at that moment. Away from the desolate grey grimy Grimmauld Place with its claustrophobic desolate walls and hopeless inhabitants. I didn't even want the Manor, the place that seemed so like home regardless of its daunting high ceilings and impenetrable garden. Even my childhood home wasn't what I needed and wanted, the comfortable home I grew up in with my parents

What I really needed, craved, was the safety of Hogwarts, the common room and great hall, the laughter with friends. Harry. Oh Harry how I needed him, how I needed his guidance and advice, because he would have empathised. I just needed the safety of Hogwarts, the familiarity of that safe haven.

But what I had Grimmauld Place, unfriendly and familiar in all the wrong ways. Death was all around me, the loss and the empty rooms in the house seemed to scream that people were missing. That war had taken so many.

The war was over but still so fresh in all our minds, I could hardly believe it was over. But it all came down to him. To Draco, the loss of his presence was weird. My time in the Manor was becoming dreamlike, becoming something implausible. I felt almost like it hadn't happened.

But I was free.

I was free from Malfoy Manor but as I stared down at my left palm I knew I would _never_ be free. Because memories of him and everything that had happened would forever haunt me.

* * *

I think it was that day, my first day of freedom, that I realised I wasn't the victim any longer, I was part of it all, I _was_ willingly sleeping with him, it wasn't rape or torture. I was willingly taking part, I couldn't defend it all by saying I was the victim, because I was as guilty as the rest of them.

You know it's strange, that I realised I loved him but I felt such hate for him. It was ironic and sadistic that I should fall in love with the one man who had caused me so much fucking pain. It hurt to know that I felt such love for a man who had hurt me and tortured me and broken me.

He had used me and branded me and defiled me. He had raped and beaten and truly broken my spirit, but for some reason I had fallen in love with him. It was hard to forget that softness in his eyes that sometimes appeared and the gentle kiss he placed on my shoulder those times. That first one started off everything.

Somehow I had fallen in love with a monster, but it could be argued he wasn't so bad, there were redeeming qualities, I truly believe, and still do, that he felt some guilt about the killing and torturing when he took part in Death Eater acts. He was the centre of my universe, I loved for him, because of him. For me he was everything, as well as being my torturer he was my saviour.

My one and only.

We all have our flaws. I think my fatal flaw was my desperation to help others, my desperation to always be the one to help, it nearly got me killed on many occasions.

Draco Malfoy's fatal flaw, was his pride. His hubris. It was always going to be the end of him. His pride, he could never admit that he loved me, he was too full to the brim of pride to actually speak those words.

I changed him. I know I did. Maybe not drastically and maybe not for anyone but me to have ever seen. But I did. That belief has kept me going throughout so much. My belief that I changed him ever so slightly for the better has stayed with me always.

And maybe around other people he was still that arrogant obnoxious idiot, but around me, towards the end he was different, I'll swear it. I liked who he _could _be, he may not have always been that man, he may not have even liked who he became but he was the man I had grown to care about.

I wonder sometimes if he ever realised how much he changed me. Did he think it was for the better? Did he even think about it?

Then I remember his diary and know that if I were to peak inside at his most recent entries I could know and yet I feel as if it would invade his privacy even more than it ever had before. Because he's dead. Because he's not part of my actually life anymore, except in spirit.

I stood alone in the kitchen with the diary in my hands, tears streaming down my cheeks, I couldn't bring myself to actually read it. I didn't know if I wanted to know what it said. Did I really want to know Draco's inner most thoughts?

Yes. Of course.

No. Never, how on Earth could I ever want such a thing?

I jerked from my thoughts as Lily entered the room, "What's that?" she asked.

"His journal." I said, she stared at it, clasped between my hands, with its dark green cover and the scrawl across the front mostly covered by my hands she looked back and met my eyes. I brushed the tears away and coughed in embarrassment, anything to fill the silence.

"I'll never understand you Mia." She said and came to stand in front of me, her eyes kept on flicking to the diary.

"You don't want to Lily." I whispered, trying to blink back the pathetic tears.

"Have you read it?"

"Most of it."

"Why not all?"

"Because I'm scared. Scared to know his last thoughts." I admitted.

"You should read it. Everyone needs closure."

"I know, I will, I just need to pluck up the courage, you know?"

"I know Mia. I do." She said and then looked away, out the window and onto that overgrown and overrun garden that no one had cared to weed or maintain for years.

"What is it?" I asked, because I knew Lily and she looked back at me, worry in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry Mia I just can't stay here anymore." She whispered.

"It's so claustrophobic." I murmured.

"Come away with me then?" She asked, "We'll look up Anya or start afresh, or find your parents?" She begged, "What are you doing about your parents Mia?" She pushed.

"I, Lily I think I'm not going to look them up."

"They're your parents." She said shocked, "If I had the chance I wouldn't miss it."

"I just think they're probably happier without me, they have a new life now, Australia Lils." I tried to justify.

"What would they want Hermione?" She raised her voice.

"I don't want them to know who I am now!" I said, "I love them enough to know that sometimes it's better to just leave things."

"You're wrong Mia." She said sadly.

"And I fucking know that too." I said, "But maybe one day, in the future when I can handle that I'll find them, when I'm older, when I've sorted out my head."

"Okay, but can we go, can we get away?" She begged.

"I, Lily I can't leave now, I have to talk to Ron, I have to read the journal, I have to do so much."

"I understand it's hard to let go Mia, but you can't stay here forever." She whispered, pulling me into a hug. "I'm going to go to the Ministry of Magic and see if any of my family is left, I mean I know I have Ron but I just need to see, you know."

"I know Lily."

"Promise me this isn't the last goodbye Mia."

"I wish it didn't feel like it." I said, "But Lily, if I leave here I'm never coming back."

"I know that." She cried, "You're the best friend I ever had." She said and I put my arms around her hugging her close. What felt like our last embrace.

"You're friendship has been equal to Harry and Ron's. God I love you Lily."

"I love you so much too, and I know that you'll do what you have to in life."

"You're going to do so well too Lily, we're so young you know." I said, almost more to myself.

"Promise one day you'll look me up, or at least think about it?" She asked.

"I promise Lily." I said and cried into her shoulder.

"Fuck I'm going to miss you Hermione Granger." She said through her tears, we both pulled away and I walked with her to the chimney, we stood in front of it and I pulled her close kissing her cheek before pulling away. She picked up a bag from beside the fireplace. She had prepared, she knew she was going to go.

"I'm going to miss you." I said, she grabbed a handful or floo powder and stepped into the fireplace.

"Me too." Then she threw the floo powder into the air. "The Ministry of Magic." She said and then she was gone, I dropped down to the floor and sat in front of the fireplace, clutching the damned journal to my chest and crying uncontrollably.

Ron entered the room minutes late he looked at me and the journal and the tears.

"What's wrong?" He asked, stepping forwards and reaching out a hand to help me up.

"Lily's gone." I said.

"I never got to say goodbye." He said and then smiled at me, "We're going to see her again Hermione, don't worry."

"Yes, you're right." I wished I was as certain as him.

He pointed at the diary. "What's that?"

"Nothing important." To you. But the most important life altering object I have ever owned.

"Is it your diary?" He asked.

"Journal." I corrected out of habit, out of courtesy to him. Malfoy men don't write diaries.

"Okay." He said frowning, "I want to go to Diagon Alley to pick up some stuff. Did you want to come? Take your mind off Lily." He asked.

"I'd love to." Anything to take my mind off Lily. Anything to get my mind off Draco.

I hadn't been to Diagon Alley since the war had truly started, I remembered the hustle bustle of cheerful people, happy families and young children staring in awe into shop windows. The noise coming from the shops and the real feel of community and a sense of belonging.

The harsh reality or what it had become was shocking. There were people and there was hustle bustle. Yet a whole new kind, it was mothers and fathers with hands clasped around their children's small fingers, keeping them close, the children weren't looking into shops. They were looking around with fear in their eyes, waiting for Voldemort to jump out of any shop they passed. They weren't laughing or happy, they were scared and everyone has a haggard appearance, a kind of sad knowledge in their eyes. A universal expression on their faces of tired people, it was the second day of the free nation yet nothing seemed to have changed. Maybe the thought of freedom was just too incomprehensible, the thought of no more war was far too implausible to even think about. It certainly felt that way.

"I need to go down Knockturn Alley." Ron told me, "Get some potion ingredients, I'll be back here in ten minutes or something."

"Okay, see you in ten." I said, he strode off to get his stuff and the complete and utter ruin of what was once such a great place was too much, I walked down the alley to my left, just to get away. A hand caught my wrist in a tight grip and I was thrown around so my back smacked hard into the wall I let out a sharp breath but made no other noise. I was used to violence. Theodore Nott's angry face was in front of mine, his hot breath across my face, he was staring at me.

"Who killed him?" He asked, his body pressed close to mine, I didn't bother trying to push him off knowing it wouldn't work.

"Oh it's you." He gripped me harder, "I don't know Theo." I said sighing, and meeting his blue eyes, the complete opposite of Draco's.

"Seriously Mia you have to tell me, I need to kill them." He said, "Don't you want to know?" He asked.

"Of course, but Theo the war's over, it's not like this anymore-"

"He's dead!" He shouted over me, "Don't you care?"

"Of course I fucking care! But we have to move on, you're not dead Theo, I'm not dead." I whispered and began to cry, he sighed and stepped back and then did something shocking, he pulled me into a hug.

"Come on it's fine, everything is fine now."I hugged him back, my last connection to Draco, we pulled apart and leant against the wall together. Side by side.

"You lived." I murmured.

"I did, thank fuck, Richmond was cursed pretty badly but the rest of my family is fine and he should be too."

"How'd Annabella?" I asked.

"Asking where her pony and Uncle Draco is." He said.

"He wasn't evil was he Theo?" I asked quietly and after a short pause I glanced at him, he was watching me.

"No Mia, you know that. He did what he was told, we all did." He said, "I know I'm not evil and we did so many of the same things." Theo told me.

"He was a villain though." I whispered.

"For all his faults he was a loyal friend to me and his ill treatment of you was no reflection of what he was really like. You have to forgive him for that."

"I forgive him for everything."

"I feel like I'm betraying him if I say this, but he did care about you Hermione."

"I know." I said and tried to smile through my tears, he smiled back and pulled me into another hug, I pressed my head into the crook of his shoulder and cried in that alleyway.

Here was closure. Or at least it would be once the journal was read. Then there would be closure

"Hermione!" I heard Ron's voice.

"Theo if you don't want him to kill you I would move away." I whispered frantically, he stepped back to an appropriate distance, Ron stepped around the corner and walked down the alley towards us frowning in confusion.

"Is everything okay?" He asked.

"Yes, Mia and I were catching up, we saw a lot of each other when she was at Draco's." He said, Ron caught my eyes, I smiled.

"Its fine Ron we were just catching up, I looked after his niece Annabella a lot, I was asking how she is." I told Ron.

"She's perfectly fine. I saw Narcissa yesterday, Draco's body is at the morgue in St Mungo's I went with her to claim his body and whatnot." He said, "She's awful, what with loosing Lucius this year as well."

"Well that's what the wars do don't they." I said sadly, I could feel Ron's calculating eyes on us, confused.

"Aren't you wanted for war crimes Nott?" He asked.

"No Weasley, they've been dropped, everything I did was because I was under constant death threats."

"Like half the dark side." I murmured. "What's happened to Blaise?" I asked

"Azkaban." Ron and Theo said at the same time and then looked angrily at one another.

"Now he wasn't under death threats. Did any of his girls survive?" I asked.

"No, killed them all, killed all his staff and then went to fight."

"How terrible." I murmured.

"Hermione, we need to get back." Ron said, I glanced at Theo.

"Bye Theo." I said.

"See you later Mia." He said, "If you hear anything, let me know." He said, I sighed and shook my head before walking out the other side of the alley with Ron.

"You seem very friendly with him." Ron said.

"Theo was never so bad, Blaise was the one you had to look out for, cruel bastard." I said.

"Shame no one killed him, like Malfoy, although Azkaban is a pretty awful place."

"Do you know who killed Malfoy?" I asked.

"No idea. I wish it was me though." He said.

* * *

I am more myself now than I ever have been. Ever thought I could be.

I think even then, back when I lived my life under torrential summer bliss I knew something was missing. Something wasn't quite right. I was a potion missing a vital yet tiny ingredient. I still worked, I still did my job, I was just missing something.

To say that I am now the complete me seems simple. Before I wasn't missing something. I wasn't a jigsaw puzzle missing the vital middle pieces. Nor was I a person missing limbs. I wasn't a house without foundations. Or a sea without a sea bed. I was everything I could be I was simply missing something.

Shitty Clichés.

Love? Draco?

Fuck that shit.

I sat on the windowsill of one of the empty bedrooms in Grimmauld place, staring out into the world beyond me, it was raining, as usual and yet it was lovely. To know that I could open that window or walk out the door. The freedom was all I enjoyed really.

I remembered sitting on another windowsill in the Manor:

I sat in Draco's study with him, me perched on the windowsill staring out onto the beautiful grounds, I don't know what the date was but it was sunny that was all I remembered. The sun streamed through the window onto me, it wasn't as good as being out there but it was enough.

I often sat with Draco as he worked, he liked me to, he did whatever it was he did and I sat on the windowsill and thought. I could feel his eyes on me, I slowly turned my head and glanced at him.

"You look so serene." He said, there was no malice or anger, he was happy today, or at least in a better mood that he often was.

"I feel very lethargic." I informed him.

"Lucky you don't have to do anything then." He said, I said nothing and turned my face back to the sunlight and the gardens. They were perfectly sculpted, I often wondered about that. Was it charmed to stay perfect? Or did gardeners come in and I simply never saw them? I didn't bother asking, I didn't want to be distracted with his words. "You look so regal." He said, he wanted to talk, I would appease him, it was easier that way.

"How ironic." I said, I was so far from being regal, yet I sat on that windowsill with my right shoulder against the window and my knees bent, my bare feet on the windowsill and my back against one of the walls that jutted out either side of the window.

"Even wearing that you look like you're surveying your grounds." I smiled, but didn't look at him.

"If they were my grounds I would be permitted to walk in them." I said.

"Maybe one day." He said. "You know what you remind me of?" He asked me, I turned to him, that's what he wanted, my full attention, my eyes on him.

"What Draco?" I asked.

"A swan, they're graceful and serene." He said.

"Gosh Draco they're the most complimentary things you've ever said to me. Be careful I may die from shock if you say anything else nice." But I smiled at him and laughed a little, his lips curved up into an impossible smile.

"Aren't you witty Granger." He laughed a little. "When I was younger, much younger, we had these family friends, I only remember them from my childhood, but I must have been 6 ish or so when it happened. But they had these swans and they had this charm on them that meant they couldn't fly away. I was 6 and I thought that it was so sad they couldn't fly, I used to sit by the pond whilst the adults talked and I'd watch them unfurl their wings, forgetting they couldn't fly. They had the most mournful look in their eyes and I remember I was left alone out there by that pond, just sitting watching them and this one came over to me, I don't know I knew. But I did, it was a she, it might not have been, reflecting on it but I just know it was. Anyway it came over, I've no idea why but it stood really close and she stared at me with these sad, sad eyes and I still remember feeling so sad for her. I put my hand out and she pushed her beak into my hand. I felt my magic pulse from my hand into her, she stepped backwards, unfurled her wings and flew right off." He said, I stared at him, in shock. It was the most personal thing he had ever said to me. "I never told anyone that." His eyes were distant, "I never told my parents because I didn't want them to tell me off for setting that swan free." He murmured.

"That's a beautiful story." I whispered, not wanting to ruin the moment, or whatever it was that was happening.

"You remind me of that swan, you have the saddest eyes sometimes Hermione and I know if I let you go, just like that swan you'd never come back." He said quietly.

That discussion seemed as intimate as the time he kissed my shoulder so tenderly. I think that was the most intimate and private thing he had ever told me, it's remembering moments like those that I feel happier. Feel better. Because we were in own twisted and backwards way close, I remember times that I told him things that I had always kept private.

We were lying in his bed, it was dark, so dark and it was nearing the time of the final war, I couldn't sleep, I had had problems sleeping since I first entered the Manor

I sat on the windowsill in his bedroom, the curtain was hanging down, hiding me from view, cocooning me next to the window, the moon was covered by clouds but there was ghostly light coming from the clouds. I was exhausted but sleep was impossible, it wouldn't come however much I craved it. My mind was full of life and thoughts of war wouldn't leave my mind. I felt it coming, I had a kind of premonition, or maybe hindsight does that to you. But I was thinking of war and fighting and death and Draco.

I could hear the bed sheets rustling and footsteps and then the curtain was pulled back and my safe haven was gone and Draco stood beside you.

"I knew this would be where you were hiding." He murmured, quietly, the clouds passed the moon and the light shone onto Draco, making his skin look luminescent and making him look even paler.

"Not hiding." I whispered, he reached out a hand, cupping my face in his palm and staring into my eyes.

"You couldn't if you tried Hermione." He said, it always seemed so private when he used my name, instead of just Mia, or Granger. Because he had never called me Hermione, only Granger at school and Mia at the Manor.

"Should I want to?" I asked, our conversations were so full of questions and statements, he smiled and I closed my eyes. His hand moved from under my chin and I felt his knuckles on my cheek, I opened my eyes. The smile had gone and his hand was clenched into a fist, pressing into my left cheek. He was staring at it, as if willing it to pull back and smash into my face with such ferocity. I moved my head, his fist stayed still and I pressed my lips into it, kissing his fist before moving position on the window sill. So my legs were either side of his waist, he leant down pressing his lips to mine. We kissed, with passion, it wasn't slow or sensual it was desperate, he lifted me up, my legs wrapped around his waist and he carried me to his bed.

The door opened with a bang and Ron walked inside. Thoughts of Draco left my head as Ron frowned at me,

"There you are." He said.

"Here I am." I said back.

"I came to talk to you." He informed me. "I missed you." He said.

"I missed you too." I said robotically.

"What's going on with you Hermione?" He asked.

"Nothing." I whispered.

"You're not that same." He said angrily.

"How could I be Ron?" I cried, standing up opposite him.

"You're nothing at all like you were. You're like a different person."

"I've grown up Ron. We both have. You're different." I said.

"Not like you, people who knew you can barely believe it's you. What the fuck did Malfoy do to you?" He yelled and I laughed; what was there to say?

"It's not fucking Draco!" I screamed.

"Draco!" He shouted, "Since when were you his best pal?" He accused.

"You think it was easy Ron, living there, being a fucking play toy, you think it wasn't one hell of a lot easier to get on with him?" I cried.

"You seem to have done a lot more that just 'get on with him' Hermione." He said angrily.

"I made my life a lot less painful by getting on with him. Not that you could ever possibly understand the situation I was in. It took a while for me to realise that it wouldn't be such a painful and horrific experience if I did what he wanted and if I wasn't aggressive and argumentative."

"No Hermione I will never fucking understand." He hissed before walking out the door, slamming it hard behind him, the tears came as they always did.

I find it so easy to skim over the bad times, I seem to be making it out that they were far and few between. The opposite is in fact the truth, the bad came over and over, the good times were the shocks to the system, the every once in a blue moon moments. The bad came as steadily as the sun setting and new days beginning they came like I always knew they would. The malice in his eyes and the hate behind his fists were hard to forget or to look past. The bruised mere harsh reminders of what has happened days before. The potions I was fed helped to hide the mars but they were there, of course. I remembered one time where his violence was so much greater than usual:

I had been called to his study, it was early days, I was unused to the feeling of being called and my head was spinning as I stood there, the world was circling me as I stood still. His back was to me, he was staring out the windows, his arms crossed. He turned around and walked towards me, I stood where I was in the room as he walked round me, he grabbed my shoulders roughly and pushed me back onto his desk, I smacked into it and he grabbed my hair.

"Sit on it." He hissed, I sat on the edge of the desk and he roughly pushed my shoulders, I fell back on the table with a crack as my head smacked into the table, I caught the back of my head in my hands and gasped. I heard the unbuckling his belt and his hands gripped into my hips. I knew the bruises there wouldn't even fade with the medicine, he pushed into me. I gasped at the sharp pain and intrusion, screwing my eyes shut.

* * *

The tears slipped down my cheeks and I roughly wiped them away. Standing up, realising that this could not go on.

* * *

**Heya so I'm sorry for such late updates guys but the last two chapters are written they just need tweaking, I want to finish before Christmas preferably so they should be up before then.  
I have to admit I got a little emotional writing the Lily, Hermione goodbye scene.  
I'm going to be quite sad when this ends because I love this story and writing it has got me through some tough times.  
But when it's done that will be the end of my ff days.  
So I hope you've enjoyed this chapter and I hope you enjoy the last two chapters even more. **

**Love Sarah xx  
**


	25. Y

_**Chapter 25**_  
- December 16th

Time wasn't kind to Grimmauld Place. It was vermin ridden and dirty, its inhabitants were just as scruffy, I've never seen a home reflect its occupants quite as well as 12 Grimmauld Place.

You would think that when a war has been won, the side who won would cheer and laugh and drink the night away, feeling free for once in their lives. It wasn't the way, the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix and its occupants were not cheery or bright, there was drinking but no laughter or cheering. Cheer and laughter were truly foreign to number 12, and had been for quite some time.

I suppose that when a war is won that took quite as long as this one, a war that had so many casualties. So many lost lives; it's hard to celebrate victory when it feels so much like losing. So I sat amongst war ridden and miserable soldiers. Ron beside me had had more fire whiskeys than I could keep count of, and was still drinking. I assumed that his body had grown used to excessive alcohol consumption, we all have our vices in war. Some people take drugs, become violent, alcohol has to be the lesser of many evils, yet undoubtedly destructive.

Some of the people who had come out of the war I didn't recognise, there were new faces, faces among faces, with matching expressions, miserable faces and empty eyes. Others I recognised and wished I did not, Hannah Abbott's appearance was such a stark contrast from what I remembered it made me want to cry. But we'd won, the light had pulled through, Ron Weasley, brave, brave Ron Weasley led the light into battle and did what his best friend never could. He killed Lord Voldemort. He saved the wizarding race with one curse, he should have been grinning and proud, he should have been joking and laughing.

Maybe the reality hadn't set in, even I found it hard to believe that after so long it was finally over – the war was over. Voldemort was dead, as were his most loyal of followers. It felt weird referring to the light side as _us_ I didn't feel like I was part of them, I was living a life of luxury at the Manor, never wanting for anything. Except maybe freedom.

I reached my hand into the small pocket in my dress and pulled the pearls out, still wondering why Draco had given them to me. He told me to keep them safe, they were beautiful, truly and utterly beautiful. Maybe he knew that Voldemort winning was slim and that this was his only chance for the pearls to be kept safe. Because the Order would tear the Manor apart, out of sheer spite, if nothing else and his pearls would be taken or destroyed.

I don't know what he wanted me to do with them, if he wanted me to wear them and pass them on. I suppose he thought that they should go to their rightful owner. Only with me they were such a perfect colour.

Was it his way of letting the Malfoy name live on, if only in the form of those pearls because as far as I knew Draco was the end of the Malfoy line. The pearls were evidently some of the Malfoy's most treasured heirlooms and Draco knew that I was the only hope for them. I'd never be able to get rid of them.

Was that his last act of honesty? Or was it simply practicality, they were too precious to be destroyed. So I did with them what they were for, what he has evidently wanted; I put them on, cool against my neck and exactly where they should be.

* * *

And the borrowed pajamas was far too scratchy and not a nightdress, and the bed too small, and the covers weren't of fine silk like Draco's bed and the room didn't feel right, and it wasn't even anything like my own little bedroom in the manor. And I was missing the other girls terribly and I wanted _him_ and I regretted wanting him on the eve of our success. And I saw him fall and he didn't get back up again. And his death was such a terrifying thought.

I didn't want to forget him.

_It's strange the things that we do to survive, if we were still who we were back then we would be ashamed of ourselves. _

The people we once were would tut and whisper and gossip about us, they'd tell people they just don't understand how someone could be like that; they'd wonder what on earth could have happened to make someone that kind of person.

And if I wasn't me and I was someone else who isn't this girl I would call the girl I am a slut and a fool and say horrible things.

But I am me, and I have lived this life and this is the person I have become and yes I was ashamed, I looked at myself in the mirror and hated that corrupt woman looking back and now I understand that I choose who I am. And if I was who I was back then, that young girl who attended Hogwarts I may be ashamed, but if I knew the full story I would be proud. Proud that I survived, _by any fucking means necessary._

That's what matters right, in the end it's all about survival and I have. So, fucking, there.

I spent so long loathing and being ashamed of myself for what had happened. But what we must all realise is that circumstances change, and no it probably wasn't okay and never will be but at the end of the day what's done is done and I have no regrets.

_Je ne regrette rien. _

My hand is branded and sometimes my face burns as I remember things that have happened and things I have done. But we must all adapt to our surrounding or we will not survive. I survived and that's what matters, having sex with Draco Malfoy has nothing to do with it.

I have accepted who I am.

The door opened and the lights came on, I sat up in the small bed, Ron staggered in and shut the door behind him before sitting on the bed opposite mine

"What's going on Ron?" I asked, I could smell the alcohol and he had a mad look in his eyes and it broke my heart.

"I need to know what happened, when Malfoy had you. Did he fuck you?" He asked, slurring his words ever so slightly. And he looked at me with alien eyes, wanting me to lie, to tell him what he wanted to hear. Instead I told him the truth.

"Yes." I said, and with that he broke down, he began to cry, I reached out my hand to take his, he stared down at my palm, I closed my fist pulling it back. He caught my hand and pulled my fingers away, staring down at the black DM imprinted on my skin, he looked up at me and down at it again.

"How often?"

"I don't remember how many times." I said quietly.

"That many?" He asked, I was going to be truthful, but he didn't have to know anymore, it would hurt him. "How much of a prick was he 'Mione?"

"Oh he wasn't too bad." I murmured, "At first, yes, but really I mean," and there was no way I could explain to Ron the complexity of Draco Malfoy so I shrugged, "He was fine, not bad, okay." I told him, because even I didn't understand.

"Okay?" He asked disbelieving.

"You should have seen how Zabini's girls lived and other servants. We were the lucky ones." I told him.

I suppose you spend so long telling yourself these things that it's logical to you, it makes sense, it _is _true_, _whereas how could that be lucky? How anyone could be the _lucky ones? _It was completely irrational, those words to him were so implausible, and they were ridiculous and unfounded.

Yet, to me, they were like a mantra, like a little sentence I could play in my mind to remind that _things could be worse _and they could, they could be so very much worse.

_We._

_Were._

_The._

_Lucky._

_Ones. _

No matter what anyone says, it's true, I'll swear by it.

Ron carried on staring at me before standing up, shaking his head and walking out the door. I realised then that things could never be the same between Ron and I, too much had happened. It was impossible for our friendship to ever be quite the same, because I had been Malfoy's girl, I was Malfoy's girl and I always would be, because it was branded onto my hand and imprinted in my mind and splashed across my body and he was ingrained in my every memory, thought, every whisper in my mind.

Draco Malfoy still had complete control over me even in death, from the pearls he gave me that I wore around my neck, to the mark on my hand and the kiss on my shoulder engraved into my mind.

* * *

- December 17th

I asked at the front desk where the mortuary was and followed the woman's directions down, down, down to where it was. And then I was greeted with another desk and a man wearing thick rimmed glasses behind which his sallow lifeless eyes were set deep in his gaunt face. He looked half dead himself, in his eighties or older, it was hard to tell.

"Hello Miss." He said in a slow rasping voice, "Can I help?"

"I was wondering if I could see the body of Draco Malfoy?" I asked him, he raised an eyebrow and leafed through some sheets on his desk with his archaic bony hands.

"Are you a relation?" He asked.

"I..." I trailed off "I'm a girlfriend." I said.

"Name?" He asked.

"Mia Grey." I said, I knew to say that name. I just knew that if I had been Mia Grey it would work out this way, because I know Mia Grey is who Draco wished I could be. Maybe then things would have been different. But then how could I ever have not been Hermione Granger? Everything would have been different, me not being me would change everything. Who would the third member of the trio? Who would be captured and branded by Draco Malfoy?

"Mrs Malfoy said that if you came then I should allow you to see his body." He said.

"Thank you." I whispered, trying not to cry, trying not to think about how differently things could be.

"Follow me." He said, he stood and walked around the desk, striding ahead of me with surprising agility for someone who looked so old and weary. I was led into a large room with bed upon bed of bodies, or at least I assumed under the white sheets were bodies, I was led to the middle of the room and the man pulled the sheet down and there he lay, his head only visible. "I'll give you some time, if you need anything I'll be at my desk." He told me.

I stared down at the pale face of Draco Malfoy, he was weak there, lying in front of me. I don't even know why I wanted to see him, I had seen him dead on the on the battlefield, he was still dead regardless of the change of scenery. It was hardly going to give me closure, but I just _needed _to see him one last time. That was it. No more Draco Malfoy after that moment.

He looked peaceful and innocent, his eyes were closed, if he was lying amongst the silken sheets of his bed one would think he was simply sleeping. But I knew, I could feel it in my very bones, in my stomach, in my heart. From the tips of my toes to my scalp I could feel his lack of life. I reached out a hand and brushed his cheek, the skin was cold, it was as if it burnt my fingertips as I trailed them across his skin, the heat of my fingers running across his lips and his cheek bones and his forehead. Over his eyelids, I felt like any moment he would wake up and catch my hand in his long fingers and tell me to stop. Or tell me to carry on. I never knew what he would say.

I brushed my fingers through his hair and closed my eyes tracing his face, doing what I would never have been able to do if he were alive. The tears I had held back came forth, the anguish burst through me with bitter ferocity and I let out a wail, I didn't bother holding back, this was a place for sadness and for tears. Here it was acceptable for me to sob onto a corpse. I leant forwards, my forehead pressing into his as I cried. The tears wouldn't stop, the emotion poured through me.

This was a kind of sadness I had only ever felt once before. The sadness that came with Harry's death. I pressed my hand over the place where Draco's heart would be and willed it to beat, willed it to start again. I knew there was no point and it wasn't even my place to wish for him back, I was so little to him, or maybe I wasn't. I never knew with him, he cared, I know he did.

I stayed like that for a while, until the tears subsided, until my hands stopped shaking and I could breathe. My heart was beating so fast in my chest and the room was so quiet and so still. I straightened myself and looked down at him, really stared at him. Taking in every aspect of his face, making sure it was there in my mind and would never fade. I pressed my lips to his forehead and then kissed my palm, pressing it against his heart. And then to my own because no matter what I did he would stay there. I brushed my hand across the pearls around my neck and took my last glance at Draco Malfoy.

This was it, this was my final goodbye.

I walked away then, because it was over, all over. Things had changed. Life would go on. It had to.

I walked out that room and down that corridor, the old man was there, he looked up at me nodded. I nodded back and then walked out that godforsaken place. I found the exit of St Mungo's that led to the muggle world and then I just walked, around a world I just didn't know anymore. But I could think and I could contemplate.

The war was truly over. And I was so conflicted. The months of being a servant had changed me, it changed us all. In fact the war changed us all regardless of _what_ we did or _who_ we were.

I could say that I regret my actions and I should never have been with Draco like I was, I should never have willingly slept with him and entered that kind of relationship. What's done is done. It's over now, too late for regrets. I could say that I regretted it and if I could I would change it all, but I would surely be lying.

It was wrong and stupid, the wrong decision to make and the wrong thing to do, I knew it would only end in heart ache, but sometimes your desperation to feel and your own selfish needs take over and you do irresponsible things. With irresponsible consequences that you do not want to admit to.

I was stupid and in the midst of war and terror we do unforgivable things. But at the end of the day what's done is done. Fate's the way out, blame everything on fate and you've done no wrong if you sit back and let things happen.

Fate and I are old friends, I half believe it and half don't.

When I found out that Draco Malfoy was no longer with us, no longer part of the mortal world. No longer any kind of living breathing being. Dead. Everything changed. He was my life, I lived breathed and slept Draco Malfoy. I was alive for him and with him and everything was about him.

Not out of choice. I was his possession. I was his branded object, his servant, maid.

The life I had lived for what seemed like so long was over and I couldn't imagine any other kind of life. I had no right to feel such a way, I realised that. It was stupid. After _everything _he put me through it was totally and utterly illogical. But at the same time I owed him my life. He kept me as his servant and spared me from a certain death. And then he gave us back our wands and let those of us who couldn't or didn't want to fight leave.

I'm certain none of the other girls sobbed over his death, I'd be incredibly surprised if they were even upset. He was undoubtedly a spiteful and horrible individual. But he had a different side too.

I saw that side sometimes.

**I gave him everything, and that which I did not give him – he took**. Regardless of my feelings. He had all the power, that was our relationship, I gave and he took. Somewhere along the way we became more than simply master and servant. I became more than just any other whore. I know that much.

He was my story, there was a prelude then it was all him, all Draco Malfoy, my life before I was at the Manor, looking back, seemed so meaningless. My life before the Manor is hard to actually remember sometimes. True, the Manor was a year of my life, but that year was full of so much.

I was always a strong believer in the saying, 'happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet'. But who wants to end their story unhappily? I wanted a _happily ever after_, always had, but you don't always get what you want. Because that's life, its shit and it screws you up and messes you around. You have to be strong enough to carry on, even when it hurts.

But this was life, I woke from dreams with the whisper of his kiss on my shoulder and his hands feather light touch on my skin, the feel of _not quite there_ but _once, a time ago was_. I woke from dreams this way, with whispered echoes of words swarming in my mind and the hum of voices rattling away in my subconscious. My dreams were full of Draco and darkness and desire for freedom that would never come and then I'd wake to this... _Illusion_; this fake freedom where there were no chains holding me back, or even fences keeping me in but my mind wouldn't let me be free. This superficial freedom, I seemed free on the surface but my mind was full of chains, full of boxes with locks on and terrible memories inside.

_It's a terrifying and exhilarating thing to walk away from everything that you've come to __know_. I felt as if my world had been ripped away from under my feet and I was suspended in mid air, just holding on, because I refused to fall and shatter on the ground.

I hope he remembered me as that defiant young woman I had been, the one who would refuse to cry in front of him, the one he used to fuck against walls. I hope he remembers me, because I know that I will never forget him, maybe I will wish I can, but I won't succeed. I hope that he never forgets my terrified face when he stole my virginity, I'll never forget his shocked face. I hope that wherever he is, be it hell, because it certainly won't be heaven if such a place exists. Or be it somewhere else, somewhere no one could ever actually imagine or comprehend. But wherever he is I hope he will feel some guilt for my mistreatment. I hope he can at least feel something.

_One can only hope. _

There's no time for goodbye when you're in a place like that, when we were in battle. Maybe it's better to simply never be there in the first place. We like to think we're so selfless and would do anything for another person. But in reality we're all selfish to the very core. He was my abuser and hater, but also my savior, without him I would not be alive, and without _me_ he would not be alive. He was my addiction and I was his, we could hardly last days without one another, maybe from the lust and hate grew something more, is that even possible? I don't know possible and impossible anymore, I'm not that logical thinking little girl I once was.

(I'm not naive anymore.)

One can only hope.

I knew as I walked away that that was the end of a part of my life, I wished I could have been strong enough to not care, but wishing never did me any good in life. It hurt so badly that I wanted to die, I wanted to curl up to sleep and simply never wake.

I don't know where I was going, I just walked, I walked away from everything. I was in the open, gasping for air and I sobbed for a man that was never even mine to start with I sobbed because I was finally _free_, finally free to leave, to get away from that place and all the hurt and pain and whispers that followed me.

I apparated back to Grimmauld place. I packed a bag and I wrote a letter.

_Dear Ron_

_I'll come out and say it now, at the beginning of this letter, it's unfair to keep you hanging, to keep you waiting. _

_I'm leaving._

_I can't stay any longer._

_It's not fair of me to write you this letter and expect you to just accept that I can waltz out your life and leave you here picking up the pieces of what was once our lives. I just can't deal with this, I could say 'it's not you it's me' but it is you and it's me and it's everyone and it's so much all at once. But really it is me, it's Draco Malfoy and it's that Manor house and it's all those people I knew. _

'_Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind'. It's true but I can't decide whether it would be crueler to tell you why I'm leaving or it would be crueler to say nothing at all about my reasons and just say I love you and I'm sorry I'm doing this to you. _

_It's hard sometimes to know what to say, I'm a coward for leaving you this letter and not facing you and talking to you. I just know you'd ask me not to leave and I have to leave, I have to get out of this place and away from memories that haunt me. I'm sure they'll haunt me wherever I go but I'd like a fresh start. And it's unfair to say this and leave, as if you're not helping me in life and you are, it was the most wonderful thing to see you on that battlefield. Amidst all that death you were there and you were alive. I always knew you were alive, if you had died I know I would have felt it. I would have known. I love you, but maybe not in the way that once there was a chance we may have loved one another. We both know that there was a chance once for us to be more. I can't begin to imagine how different life would be if things had been different. But this is how things have worked out and we must accept this._

_Draco Malfoy__ was an awful man. And for this you will never understand._

_You don't know what I mean when I say 'you will never understand' and I don't know how to say it without leaving you with a foul tasting memory of me. I will be the first to admit he was a bad person, but aren't we all Ron, aren't we fucking all? He had redeeming qualities, not that you could understand that, not that I even understood that sometimes. But respect me enough to believe that I know what I'm saying when I say that. Sometimes he was nice to be around. _

_If I tell you I cared a lot about him would you believe me? You probably couldn't. I know it's hard and I know this will make you hate me but I do. Or I did. Can you still feel so strongly about someone who's dead? Because every breath I breathe it hurts, every time he comes to mind it hurts and he is my every thought, I feel this sense of longing, of desperation to see his face again. He haunts my every dream and my every waking thought. I can't get away from his presence._

_I'm telling you this because you deserve to know the truth Ron. Even if it leaves you with an eternal bad impression of me. I'm not a bad person Ron, and I'm sorry. And I respect you so much, that's why I'm telling you. I love you so much that I know you deserve to know the truth. To know why I'm going._

_It really isn't you, it's Draco. It's me. He's dead Ron and it's killing me and I can't stop thinking of him, seeing him everywhere. I can't stop this, this feeling._

_I love you__ Ron. Maybe one day I'll come back and then I'll come find you. _

_I'm sorry I wasn't stronger Ron. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough._

_I'm sorry I'm leaving you._

_You are the strongest person I know. You can do this. You can live through this. You are so strong and wonderful and I care so much about you._

_Goodbye Ron, you will see me again one day._

_I love you so very much, never and I mean never forget that. _

_

* * *

_

**Wow we're nearly at the last chapter.**  
**It's all written and ready to go up but I'm not gonna put it up till like after christmas, don't hate me too much I just like to leave a little gap between updates.  
So I hope you've enjoyed this chapter and have enjoyed the whole story.  
Review and let me know what you think.  
Sarah xx**


	26. Z

**_26. Z_**  
- December 18th

I board the train alone. I am just going to see where I ended up. I don't know where the train goes but I am going to find out. So goodbye to the rest of my life. Here's to new beginnings and trains that could go anywhere.

I can only hope that life will be easier away from everything I know; I can only hope that the unknown can be my home. I have run away, call me a coward but this is going to be my life now.

I sit in an empty carriage, I stare out the window, my forehead pressing against the cool glass as the tears flow freely down my cheeks. I don't care anymore. I can't bring myself to care what people could say or think. Because none of it matters.

I'm leaving. I'm going away someplace where I'll be free. But then that in itself is a lie, because the brand on my left palm and the memories branded into my mind of Draco and all that happened will never leave. And in a strange kind of way I don't want to forget.

Other times were good. Sometimes is felt as if he actually truly cared for me and life was okay. In the end his journal stopped being my sanctuary. It was just a terrifying thing to read that haunted me. In the end it hindered more than it helped. I have not yet been able to pluck up the courage to read it but as I enter my new life, with bright white pearls around my neck and a brand upon my palm I know the time is right.

I take the leather bound journal from my bag and open up to the most recent page, Draco's scrawled writing is so familiar to me. I begin to read the last page:

_I realised something terrible today. Something fucking ridiculous and illogical. _

_I love Hermione Granger_

_I, Draco Malfoy love Hermione Granger_

_I love you Granger_

_I love you Mia_

_I love everything about you. _

_I'm completely delusional and crazy, I wish it was lies. But I love her. _

The tears are flowing down my cheeks, I'm finding it hard to breathe. And I realise something as I sit here on the train, ready to start my new life.

_**I love him too.**_

_**

* * *

**_

The definition of 'releasing' varies slightly in most dictionaries. But all in all it simply means, 'to free something'. So someone could release your belongings, or you or something else I suppose. But I think that the meaning that best describes what happened to me is:

_To free from confinement__, obligation, pain, etc.; let go:_

Because I am free now, I'm no longer confined to the Manor or obligated to stay in such a place. I am free of the pain. He let me go; maybe only in death, but I have been let go.

_An unfastening or letting go of something caught or held fast._

I'm free.

_L__iberation from anything that restrains,_ _binds, fastens, or holds back; _

- Liberation is a truly wonderful feeling.

* * *

_Goodbye cruel world_ and Draco Malfoy. I'll never forget you. My left palm is branded with your name. You made me the woman I am today.

I do love you.

I'm on the road to nowhere – who knows where I'm going to end up.

They say _love conquers all_;

Such a shame he never knew. Such a shame we never worked that out isn't it?

* * *

**Well this is it, last chapter. Happy New Year.  
Goodbye loyal Branded followers, my time as a FF writer is now officially over.  
Thankyou so much for following the story and loving it as much as I do.  
It's no masterpiece but it's probably some of the best writing I've ever done.  
I'm starting to feel a little emotional now, but here you are.  
Please, please review and let me know what you've though.**  
**I hope you like the ending , I did debate going down the cliche path or Hermione being pregnant, when I started this it was actually my intention but as the story progressed I decided to be a bit different. But I'm really happy with the ending. It's not a happy ending but neither is it completely unhappy, there is hope for a future. **  
**Thankyou, love from Sarah xx**


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